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  1. #1
    I could do things Hard's Avatar
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    Default "Stop Cheering Me Up: Debbie Downer"

    I just came across this article and found it to be really interesting, and something that comes up here quite frequently. It's something I can relate to on a personal level as well in a multitude of ways. Definitely worth discussing.

    Stop cheering me up: Some people don't want to hear it

    In a series of six scenarios involving some 1,000 participants ages 18-30, researchers found that people with low self-esteem don’t want to hear your platitudes, and would prefer friends and loved ones see them as they see themselves. “Those with low self-esteem actually reject the so-called ‘positive reframing,’ or expressions of optimism and encouragement, most of us offer to them,” says lead author Dr. Denise Marigold, an assistant professor at Renison University College at Waterloo.

    Despite good intentions designed to boost spirits, people with low self-esteem “are simply more comfortable wallowing” in their misery, she adds. “What we think is well-intentioned support is really alienating for them. They feel as if people don’t understand their issues and don’t accept their feelings. It almost demonstrates a lack of caring.” ... The researchers do want to be clear that validating negative thoughts and feelings doesn’t mean you are free to say, “Yeah, you are a loser,” to a friend who is feeling poorly about a situation. Rather, it’s a more productive to simply acknowledge the person is upset.

    For many individuals this is something we know. When we're upset, sometimes we just need to chew the cud and wallow in it for a while. We'll want support or something to cheer us up, but getting a spray of "joy! happiness! love!" in the face usually makes you feel much worse than before. It ties into mindfullness practice as well. Where one is supposed to acknowledge the feelings we feel. Not supress them, or invalidate them.

    Of course eventually one needs to stop wallowing and do the best they can to move forward, and it's interesting to consider the implications of induldging someone with this, and where the line is where it goes too far.

    Thoughts? Discuss.
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  2. #2
    Sweet Ocean Cloud SD45T-2's Avatar
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    I totally get this. I can think of lots of examples from my life but I'll try narrowing it down to one.

    A few years ago I was starting a certain college class for something I find daunting, but that was theoretically right for my skill level. After a couple weeks I got a sinking feeling that I was in way over my head and had no idea what I was doing. When I expressed this concern to my friends, many of them said they knew I was smart and that they expected me to do just fine. Never mind that I don't have a track record of being smart or capable in that particular field. To put it mildly.

    As the weeks went by my level of incomprehension steadily increased and I crashed and burned. And people were surprised and disappointed.
    1w2-6w5-3w2 so/sp

    "I took one those personality tests. It came back negative." - Dan Mintz

  3. #3
    Blind Guardian Haven's Avatar
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    Omg you're such a nice and good looking guy you should be getting all the ladies.

    Oh yea? I must be pretty messed up then huh
    {The Diplomat}
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  4. #4
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    This has been an issue in my life for a while. /whine
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  5. #5
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    Why is it called wallowing and not coming to a place of acceptance in your own time? People who want you to cheer up on their timetable are doing it for their own comfort not yours, they don't want you killing the mood.

  6. #6
    Senior Member tinker683's Avatar
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    I will offer words of encouragement because I would prefer people try to help me back up than let me stay down. The fact is is that sometimes we all get kicked down a little too much and need a hand to get back up, saying otherwise I feel is you letting yourself trip over yourself.

    I totally understand if someone is feeling down and just needs a moment to reflect and understand their situation. But there is a stark difference between spending time to learn from your situation and allowing your fear to try again dominate and control you. The first group gets my sympathy when they ask that they'd like to be left alone. The 2nd group deserves their self-inflicted misery.
    "The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."
    ― Woodrow Wilson

  7. #7
    Unapologetic being Evolving Transparency's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chthonic View Post
    Why is it called wallowing and not coming to a place of acceptance in your own time? People who want you to cheer up on their timetable are doing it for their own comfort not yours, they don't want you killing the mood.
    This.
    "Once the game is over, the Pawn and the King go back into the same box"

    Freedom isn't free.
    "Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." ~ Orwell
    I'm that person that embodies pretty much everything that you hate. Might as well get used to it.
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  8. #8
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    when I'm upset about something and someone diminishes it without knowing the full scenerio or not really getting it. and tell me to fucking smile. deserves to be punched repeatly in the face with alternating kicks to the groin.

    btw I'm happy right now, but I wouldn't tell you to be happy if you were going through some emotional shit.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  9. #9
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hard View Post

    For many individuals this is something we know. When we're upset, sometimes we just need to chew the cud and wallow in it for a while. We'll want support or something to cheer us up, but getting a spray of "joy! happiness! love!" in the face usually makes you feel much worse than before. It ties into mindfullness practice as well. Where one is supposed to acknowledge the feelings we feel. Not supress them, or invalidate them.
    It makes me want to punch people in the mouth. Fuck the joy, happiness, niceness, positive attitude and you can accomplish anything people. I want to shake sense into them and say - don't tell me how to feel. They're MY feelings so piss off. No you can't continue to wallow or let it consume you. But people need to learn that others and their feelings are not clean and polished and gleaming. They're messy. Dirty. They make others uncomfortable. Deal with it, they get no slack from me.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  10. #10
    I could do things Hard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    It makes me want to punch people in the mouth. Fuck the joy, happiness, niceness, positive attitude and you can accomplish anything people. I want to shake sense into them and say - don't tell me how to feel. They're MY feelings so piss off. No you can't continue to wallow or let it consume you. But people need to learn that others and their feelings are not clean and polished and gleaming. They're messy. Dirty. They make others uncomfortable. Deal with it, they get no slack from me.
    LOL! You're Fi is showing . I don't share your sentiments in this regard for the reasons of why and how to respond. In these situations I understand the intent of the person giving it, and can't fault them for it, so I don't feel ill feelings, anger, etc. towards them for doing it. I don't get upset over being told how to feel most of the time. I guess cause I spend a lot of time telling myself how I should feel? *shrug*
    MBTI: ExxJ tetramer
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