User Tag List

First 1234 Last

Results 11 to 20 of 36

  1. #11
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INfJ
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/sp
    Posts
    3,680

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Chthonic View Post
    Why is it called wallowing and not coming to a place of acceptance in your own time? People who want you to cheer up on their timetable are doing it for their own comfort not yours, they don't want you killing the mood.
    I agree with this. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with someone having a low threshold for being exposed to someone else’s wallowing- I’m definitely the one on the ‘low threshold’ end with some people myself, everyone’s need to comb through certain details is going to vary- but it does make me a bit prickly when people try to stop someone else’s wallowing by pointing out that it’s too much (as if there’s one correct standard out there for everyone).

    And something that annoys me about the article is that I don’t especially think ‘not being open to positive reframing’/wallowing is so inexorably linked to low self-esteem. It can be, to be sure, but just as often it can be naive, condescending and/or invalidating and I don't think 'low self esteem' is the only reason a person might be impervious.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

    5w4 sx/sp Johari / Nohari

  2. #12

    Default

    If we need examples, I can point you to a thread in the Relationships section (probably quite a few actually).

    Accept the past. Live for the present. Look forward to the future.
    Robot Fusion
    "As our island of knowledge grows, so does the shore of our ignorance." John Wheeler
    "[A] scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy." Richard Feynman
    "[P]etabytes of [] data is not the same thing as understanding emergent mechanisms and structures." Jim Crutchfield

  3. #13
    Sweet Ocean Cloud SD45T-2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    MBTI
    ESTJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sp
    Posts
    2,758

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    It makes me want to punch people in the mouth. Fuck the joy, happiness, niceness, positive attitude and you can accomplish anything people. I want to shake sense into them and say - don't tell me how to feel. They're MY feelings so piss off. No you can't continue to wallow or let it consume you. But people need to learn that others and their feelings are not clean and polished and gleaming. They're messy. Dirty. They make others uncomfortable. Deal with it, they get no slack from me.
    You're awesome. Fi FTW.
    1w2-6w5-3w2 so/sp

    "I took one those personality tests. It came back negative." - Dan Mintz

  4. #14
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INfJ
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/sp
    Posts
    3,680

    Default

    From another piece about same study (and I like the way this was phrased):

    Negative validation, the study explains, “communicate[s] that the feelings, actions, or responses of the recipient are normal and appropriate to the situation” and “express[es] appreciation for the recipient’s predicament or for the difficulty of the situation.”

    Negative validation won. People with low self esteem felt more affirmed and supported by just being heard and validated. They did not want to look on the bright side. So, practice saying, "It's normal and okay for you to feel sad. That's really hard."

    If you just can't help yourself from offering the optimistic view, better to leave your depressed friend alone to wallow in their misery. This approach also has the side benefit for you. The researchers found that people who try to cheer a friend up and fail end up feeling worse about themselves, too.

    It still seems off to me, though, to say this is a low self esteem issue.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

    5w4 sx/sp Johari / Nohari

  5. #15
    Senior Member Eluded_One's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    570

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    From another piece about same study (and I like the way this was phrased):

    Negative validation, the study explains, “communicate[s] that the feelings, actions, or responses of the recipient are normal and appropriate to the situation” and “express[es] appreciation for the recipient’s predicament or for the difficulty of the situation.”

    Negative validation won. People with low self esteem felt more affirmed and supported by just being heard and validated. They did not want to look on the bright side. So, practice saying, "It's normal and okay for you to feel sad. That's really hard."

    If you just can't help yourself from offering the optimistic view, better to leave your depressed friend alone to wallow in their misery. This approach also has the side benefit for you. The researchers found that people who try to cheer a friend up and fail end up feeling worse about themselves, too.

    It still seems off to me, though, to say this is a low self esteem issue.
    I can see where this excerpt is coming from, but I can't fully agree to it.

    Negative Validation (you done the best you could) is supportive by accepting the situation as is, where as Positive Affirmation (don't worry be happy), seems bubbly and pointing attention to the recipient by telling him/her to act more accordingly despite conditions.
    “If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.” -anonymous

  6. #16
    Glamour puss with a tan Raffaella's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    848

    Default

    Night is another candle

  7. #17
    Senior Member yeghor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    2,418

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by DeceptiveCreative View Post
    Is this the cure to ExFx plague?

  8. #18
    Ratchet Ass Moon Fairy Comeback Girl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    MBTI
    ESFP
    Enneagram
    2w3 sx/so
    Socionics
    yolo Ni
    Posts
    591

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by DeceptiveCreative View Post
    Please tell me this is going to be real. Someday. Preferably tomorrow. I know people like this, they annoy the fuck out of me. I once unfriended a girl because she was like this, always acting happy about boring stuff with this scary smiley face of hers, she kinda looked like Overly Attached Girlfriend but without the sense of humor and with just a hint of caveman. During finals, she even posted this picture of her legs covered in a blanket stating 'Studying for blah blah under my sweet warm little blanket with a nice cup of cocoa with whipped cream #blessed'. I mean, I was stressed the fuck out, the tension even gave me this sick rash and it made me look too hideous to go out of the house, I just can't understand how one can act happy and cheery about finals! That was the exact moment when I hit that unfriend button, so glad I don't have to see her Neanderthal face again. Really, she's the type of person who would, if she ever went into labor, post a status update saying 'Giving birth underneath this cute little blanket with a nice cup of tea #lolcontractions #blessed'. Pretty sure she'd do that. If I'd go in labor, I won't post anything at all and if I'd have to post anything, it would be 'RIP my vagina #literally'.
    Ewww is the new sexy


    Hi! Ask me things, maybe I'll answer them! Just click here

    And here's my functions: Se-Te-Fi-Fe-Ni-Ti-Ne-Si


  9. #19
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    4w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    2,879

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post

    It still seems off to me, though, to say this is a low self esteem issue.
    I have to say I didn't like that either. I don't see why they are linking it with low self esteem. I mean, fuck...does everyone have to be so happy-happy joy-joy 24/7 to be normal? I'm sick of this constant pressure to be your absolute best, unstressed, healthy balanced self...I mean, really goddamn...it's become like the worst marketing scheme ever. It's even abnormal to spend an extended period grieving over a major stress such a death or divorce...there's all this advice on how to quickly get over it labeled as 'support'...it's anything but.

    I better stop...I can feel froth forming here. Bad moods don't need 'fixing'. Don't like it? Vote with your feet.

  10. #20
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    4w5 sp/sx
    Socionics
    IEI Ni
    Posts
    7,661

    Default

    This sentence is key:
    "The researchers do want to be clear that validating negative thoughts and feelings doesn’t mean you are free to say, “Yeah, you are a loser,” to a friend who is feeling poorly about a situation. Rather, it’s a more productive to simply acknowledge the person is upset."

    The rest of it is a bit misleading without that sentence. It sounds like you want someone to reinforce a negative self-image, but you want someone to validate feelings & perspective. You are seeking empathy!

    It can seem like you're not allowed to be human if you cannot ever feel down, and some of those overly positive people can push an unrealistic standard on people with their excessive cheerfulness. That shows a lack of empathy on their part - they are unable to grasp why someone would feel bad in a certain situation because they wouldn't feel that way.

    Negative feelings are important & serve a useful purpose - they are as much signals to us as other feelings. Positive feelings tell us when something important to us is being fulfilled, and negative feelings can signal a violation, a void, a mismatch, etc. Someone can have low self-esteem & repress negative feelings because they may think they just burden people with them (see those "pollyanna" types).

    I find you CAN inject positive feedback without invaliding someone and without it amounting to false "feel good" flattery. First you express understanding, and then you note that even though something may be bad & they may feel bad, that this is NOT indicative of their human value. It's a matter of distinguishing between the feelings & identity, not equating the two.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

Similar Threads

  1. Post something that will cheer me up
    By /DG/ in forum The Fluff Zone
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 11-30-2012, 12:16 PM
  2. [Other] Please Help Cheer Me Up
    By Glycerine in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 29
    Last Post: 06-05-2011, 10:06 AM
  3. Thank you car alarm for waking me up
    By proteanmix in forum The Fluff Zone
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 07-19-2007, 10:25 AM
  4. You call that a joke? - "Set Me Up" Edition
    By Quiesce in forum The Fluff Zone
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 07-07-2007, 02:08 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO