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  1. #1
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    Default Help with comparison to others.

    As a disclaimer I'll try not to be pissy and dismiss advice as I did in the 'friend job' thread, I find it difficult because I've taken advice my entire life, but without the reasoned notion of picking apart that advice first. Which makes me a bit over the top with it nowadays.

    Anyhow I could do with some advice on methods to minimise my tendency to compare myself with others, ONLY on the qualities and achievements they possess that I do not.

    It's a cause of stress in myself I realise and if I can let it go and diffuse this arrogance, I might actually have a chance of being happy for once in a while instead of judging inside and out, unfairly to both myself and others.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  2. #2
    Senior Member yeghor's Avatar
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    When you feel like "arrogance" thing coming, which I believe is some sort of projection to hurl your negative feelings about yourself onto the other person, try diverting it to something else physically or mentally...to cool down... Walk away and do something physical...

    Then when you've cooled down, try to analyze what (in you) triggered the reaction... If it is some kind of feeling of inferiority, check whether you are really inferior in that area... If yes, try accepting that as a weak trait of you and a part of who you are and either take small steps to develop it or try to accept yourself as who you are... Like saying "I am this, so what..." Play on your strengths instead... and don't try to be someone you aren't...

    Sometimes it's good to feel bad... So try to absorb the bad feeling within yourself rather than lashing it out to discharge it... When you learn to dissipate it from within or divert it to less destructive outlets, it'll gradually (like in months or years) change who you are and how you react...

    ESFPs and I seem to grate on each other... If you are an ESFP, try acting gradually more like pseudo-ISFJ, i.e. exercise more humility and servitude...in small doses so that you'll gain more flexibility to deal with whatever life throws at you...

  3. #3
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    lol @ esfp

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmitiveAnxiety View Post
    Anyhow I could do with some advice on methods to minimise my tendency to compare myself with others, ONLY on the qualities and achievements they possess that I do not.
    that's a tough minefield to walk through: wouldn't any solution anyone gives you here which is based on qualities/traits they possess (and you do not)... just make it worst?

    so in trying to keep this self contained..

    how about you use the exact same tendency for comparison for the exact opposite affect? use the other side of the coin your already holding:
    -> cherish the shared negatives everyone faces, embrace the humanizing aspects of "we're all in the same boat" in yourself and others.

    i mean - there's a reason utilitarianism is built in existentialism - and if it works for western society, it can work for you....
    (because your British and western's society is your ancestors fault, so.. there! a non-sequitur at your service!).

  5. #5
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by superunknown View Post
    lol @ esfp
    I say: If the shoe fits.....get a different sized foot.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    that's a tough minefield to walk through: wouldn't any solution anyone gives you here which is based on qualities/traits they possess (and you do not)... just make it worst?

    so in trying to keep this self contained..

    how about you use the exact same tendency for comparison for the exact opposite affect? use the other side of the coin your already holding:
    -> cherish the shared negatives everyone faces, embrace the humanizing aspects of "we're all in the same boat" in yourself and others.

    i mean - there's a reason utilitarianism is built in existentialism - and if it works for western society, it can work for you....
    (because your British and western's society is your ancestors fault, so.. there! a non-sequitur at your service!).
    You have a point. And you're damn right it's our ancestors fault! We take pride in our ancestral fuck ups.



    Quote Originally Posted by yeghor View Post
    try to accept yourself as who you are... Like saying "I am this, so what..." Play on your strengths instead... and don't try to be someone you aren't...
    Quote Originally Posted by yeghor View Post
    ESFPs and I seem to grate on each other... If you are an ESFP, try acting gradually more like pseudo-ISFJ, i.e. exercise more humility and servitude...in small doses so that you'll gain more flexibility to deal with whatever life throws at you...
    Hmm....I am in a quandry. Quite the contradiction you have posed me. So should I accept and be myself, or be a pseudo-ISFJ and if I am accepting myself, does that not involve all the negative as well as positive aspects of my nature?

    What if I decide lashing out is part of myself and I should accept that I do it? The other parts of your post I already understand, I acknowledge that my low self-esteem largely stems from this unhealthy comparison, which is why what @Mane said is a good point for me to remember.

    I'm just trying to see how your reasoning fits together and whether I can apply it to myself, even though it appears a bit contradictory. Although I suppose there are some Fe subtleties that I might be missing.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  6. #6
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I used to do this - still do, in stressful moments, but at least I've become aware of it and can therefore pull the plug on its validity and priority.

    I find that it diminished greatly once I figured out what *MY* standards were instead of the standards I feared were put on me by society. I rebelled against and resented the perceived standards I was to meet as they didn't agree with my own - which I invalidated because who was I to decide and determine what was in fact valuable?

    I realised that *I* was in fact the sole authority as to what standard I should hold myself to. And once I did, a lot of those fears, anxieties and need for comparison - at least in that way - disappeared. Certainly, there are situations where adhering to the general standard in that situation is valuable, especially once *you* decide you want to enter that field of arena. But then it becomes a conscious choice to accept and adhere to those standards, instead of just having them thrust upon you (or perceive having them thrust upon you).

    Instead of comparing myself to others as to what I lacked and they had, I started to compare my reaction to others who displayed those very traits that made me so insecure and compare it to the response I had to myself displaying them. I realised that I was perfectly fine in most situations, perfectly understanding of those supposed shortcomings in others due to the fact that I saw where they came from, how far they'd already come and where they were headed. I realised that I was more compassionate with others, than I was with myself. That I was arrogant in the things I demanded of myself to be able to do - without practice, without going through the stumbling, at times infuriatingly slow process of being a student and allowing myself to make mistakes. I wanted to be perfect for everyone to see, without any effort. And I resented feeling like I should be perfect all the time at the same time - causing irrational envy and misery within.

    So if you're going to do any comparing - if you cannot help it, go for the comparing that I just described. Ask yourself what the differences are between how you review yourself and how you review others. Ask yourself if they are truly your standards that you're using and see if you can come up with a reason for the standard you're wielding atm. A legitimate reason. Question it, ask yourself what it serves.

    And above all - be compassionate and patient with yourself. Ironically, you'll find you'll need to learn to be patient and compassionate with yourself as you learn to be patient and compassionate with yourself - you'll fail at it, and that'll be alright coz each time you try again, you'll learn something new and get better

    It might seem like a cliche, but it is true what they say ; nobody has ever nor will ever after you have the gifts you have to bestow on the world. Don't make yourself miserable comparing yourself to others. You'll miss what is right in front of you - the actual joy of being you. And you'll deny others to benefit from it too in your pursuit for being another.
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  7. #7
    Senior Member yeghor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmitiveAnxiety View Post
    Hmm....I am in a quandry. Quite the contradiction you have posed me. So should I accept and be myself, or be a pseudo-ISFJ and if I am accepting myself, does that not involve all the negative as well as positive aspects of my nature?

    What if I decide lashing out is part of myself and I should accept that I do it? The other parts of your post I already understand, I acknowledge that my low self-esteem largely stems from this unhealthy comparison, which is why what @Mane said is a good point for me to remember.

    I'm just trying to see how your reasoning fits together and whether I can apply it to myself, even though it appears a bit contradictory. Although I suppose there are some Fe subtleties that I might be missing.
    Yes, the lashing out part is part of your personality too... You can acknowledge that it's a part of you and choose to go along with it... or, try to gain more control of it and try express that part of your personality in a less destructive fashion... By exercising that part IRL for constructive purposes...

    Embrace the parts that you are strong in, and try to make achievements on those areas...

  8. #8
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    “No snowflake ever lands in the wrong place.”


    ― Zen saying
    I've had this ice cream bar, since I was a child!

    Each thought's completely warped
    I'm like a walkin', talkin', ouija board.

  9. #9
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by yeghor View Post
    Yes, the lashing out part is part of your personality too... You can acknowledge that it's a part of you and choose to go along with it... or, try to gain more control of it and try express that part of your personality in a less destructive fashion... By exercising that part IRL for constructive purposes...

    Embrace the parts that you are strong in, and try to make achievements on those areas...
    So I should ignore areas of weakness?
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  10. #10
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmitiveAnxiety View Post
    So I should ignore areas of weakness?
    I don't think so but it seems you magnify the area of weakness and minimize your strengths. Basically realize what your strengths are and be aware of your limitations but don't let your weaknesses define you. Bring your strengths to the front and put your weaknesses on the back burner, so you know what they are but don't pull you down either

    Hopefully this makes sense
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

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