Be A Man - The Three Most Destructive Words For Boys (and Men)

[Rail Tracer]

So I found this interesting trailer, it is called The Mask You Live In. It's basically a documentary that is coming out sometime in 2014 about pressures American society put on boys and growing adolescences.

It's kind of funny because I can easily relate to it. The whole "Be a Man" thing and that boys/men don't cry... that I should suck it up and such... that I need to act a "certain" way.

Many of these things are connected through societal pressures.

Video is the same one that is on the link without the commentary.

 

[Cellmold]

Did you read some of the comments on that video? Wow....it's pathetic to read.

 

[Noll]

I've never really been pressured to 'be a man', but I do find the whole thing awfully silly. It's better to be the one you are, that goes for all gender identities. Those who refuse to accept it should die.

 

[Stansmith]

True virtue is unisex. Traits often associated with masculinity such as self-confidence, resilience, and responsibility are just useful to women; as are humility and emotional intelligence for men.

 

[Eruca]

True virtue is unisex. Traits often associated with masculinity such as self-confidence, resilience, and responsibility are also useful to women.

Aye, I think that is the tragedy here. Boys are taught that masculinity is, in itself, a merit, beyond its actual functionality. If we were to decide upon beneficial traits based on criteria such as happiness and life success impartially we would find ourselves drawing from both masculine and feminine arenas. Whereas we've come to the point women and girls are now, to a greater degree, allowed to draw from the masculine well, the same can not for the most part be said to be true of boys drawing from the feminine well. That is still very much taboo.

So we have praise put on ways of being that deny both success and the self. I'll list a few initial thoughts to maybe get things started.
Do not be afraid or uncertain.
Uncertainly is necessary for education and learning. We must recognize a position of uncertainty, of ignorance or inability, to agree that we need to learn as thus act on such agreement. Fear is inevitable and denial of fear will only make us behave in irrational ways, most likely directing our fear into irrational anger. "Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway." John Wayne - A better example of how a man or a woman should relate to fear.
Do not feel or express emotion.
More than anything this has an effect on life satisfaction and happiness. One needs to be able to be capable of feeling and sentiment to enjoy life's pleasures. Perhaps a lack of feeling and expression of such can aid in career success but...to what end? What is the point of having wealth or status if you can't enjoy it? Of course, society doesn't care if this is the case. It is more beneficial for society that they have their worker bees.
Always be in control
Either in control of oneself or others. Obviously, this is a good way to sabotage team work. It also turns any potentially nurturing relationships into dominance struggles. One in which not the strongest or most capable prevail, but the most ruthless and dishonest.

 

[danseen]

meh, gender roles don't make sense.

people who think early modern moral sensibilities are absolute are dim.

 

[Ene]

So I found this interesting trailer, it is called The Mask You Live In. It's basically a documentary that is coming out sometime in 2014 about pressures American society put on boys and growing adolescences.

It's kind of funny because I can easily relate to it. The whole "Be a Man" thing and that boys/men don't cry... that I should suck it up and such... that I need to act a "certain" way.

Many of these things are connected through societal pressures.

Video is the same one that is on the link without the commentary.

I was impressed enough to share this. Thanks for posting it.

 

[Beorn]

I dislike the framing.

Nothing wrong with being told to "be a man." It's a matter of what "being a man" entails and the context.

 

[Thursday]

Be an adult is more healthy....when they get that age/responsibility.

 

[Eruca]

I dislike the framing.

Nothing wrong with being told to "be a man." It's a matter of what "being a man" entails and the context.

There doesn't have to be anything wrong with being told to "be a man." Unfortunately, the understanding put forward by that video is that the context and what the phrase entails is equal to how they are framing the phrase. That is, that the context and entailment do in actuality imply positivity in exaggerated masculinity and thus enforce it. Individual instances of beneficial use of the phrase do not negate that the phrase is more often used to negative effect. Or is it that last you question? Would you say the majority of instances in which "be a man" is expressed do not include these negative connotations and/or effects?

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

I've learned to fake certainty, because if I don't, people assume I don't know what I'm talking about and don't bother to listen.

 

[zago]

This is confusing for people because "be a man" really means "be an adult" but back in the day people thought mostly in terms of males so that's what we get. Telling someone to be a man means telling them to stop wallowing in what they can't change and focus on moving forward and making use of yourself. That's not bad advice.

 

[Totenkindly]

Telling someone to be a man means telling them to stop wallowing in what they can't change and focus on moving forward and making use of yourself. That's not bad advice.

i agree with that. It's about taking on some responsibility and power to create active change in situations that you don't like or aren't good, vs just remaining passive and not pushing forward.

 

[Alea_iacta_est]

I'd like this thread to direct its attention at number 4 especially.

http://www.cracked.com/article_19780_5-gender-stereotypes-that-used-to-be-exact-opposite.html

 

[Totenkindly]

I'd like this thread to direct its attention at number 4 especially.

http://www.cracked.com/article_19780_5-gender-stereotypes-that-used-to-be-exact-opposite.html

I'm waiting for someone to say, "But didn't the Greeks also make it socially cool to bugger people?"

... oh snap...

Anyway, I respect men who can actually show emotion/vulnerability over things they care about. It's expressing that something matters.

 

[Nicodemus]

Nothing wrong with being told to "be a man." It's a matter of what "being a man" entails and the context.

I cannot imagine a meaning to this phrase that is not either harmful or semantically void. For it not to be void, you can only direct it at males, who are, by definition, either already men or bound to become men. Unless it means 'Be who you are', it is designed to compel people to be something they are not - by pretending it were linked to their gender identity, a well from which many troubles spring.

I always disliked the punchline to Kipling's If.

 

[Stanton Moore]

'be a man' means 'conform.'

 

[Rail Tracer]

I dislike the framing.

Nothing wrong with being told to "be a man." It's a matter of what "being a man" entails and the context.

But that is the thing, what is the context that it entails that society puts on these kids?

If these kids are getting the message that I got as a kid, then that message isn't particularly positive - it can be detrimental to some of them.

This is confusing for people because "be a man" really means "be an adult" but back in the day people thought mostly in terms of males so that's what we get. Telling someone to be a man means telling them to stop wallowing in what they can't change and focus on moving forward and making use of yourself. That's not bad advice.

I think the focus of "being a man" and "being an adult" has changed meanings. I get different connotations on what it means to be a man and what it means to be an adult. An adult, for me, is "well-rounded," or tries to be while being a man would just be many of the things listed in the trailer, the whole be macho, don't cry, demand respect, be in control of your emotions... that sort of thing.

 

[kelric]

Boys are taught that masculinity is, in itself, a merit, beyond its actual functionality. If we were to decide upon beneficial traits based on criteria such as happiness and life success impartially we would find ourselves drawing from both masculine and feminine arenas. Whereas we've come to the point women and girls are now, to a greater degree, allowed to draw from the masculine well, the same can not for the most part be said to be true of boys drawing from the feminine well. That is still very much taboo.

Good point. As someone who's not particularly "masculine" in the traditional behavioral sense, this is definitely true. If you're thinking of this in the terms of "be responsible", or "be an adult", I don't see much wrong with it. But let's face it -- the statement "be a man" is seldom used in that context. It almost always means "suck it up", "suffer in silence", "shut up and do what you're told", or most often, as an insult directed at insuring conformity or compliance to a traditional standard -- one that enforces male isolation and "usefulness to others" (even if detrimental to the man himself).

When I was a kid, I cried a lot. Comparatively, anyway. I was (and still am) really sensitive to rejection, confrontation, and perceived lack of perfection in the eyes of others. Now, it just bothers me - a lot - but I'm able to keep it to myself. When I was ten, it made me cry. I rather distinctly remember being told that, as a boy, I wasn't allowed to cry (yes, it was specifically couched that, *as a boy* it wasn't okay). That, of course, made me feel even worse, and impressed upon me the absolute necessity that I had to hide what I really felt, at all costs.

Not particularly healthy. To say the least.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Everyone suffers with power imbalances in society. "Be a man!" would not be so destructive if the alternative wasn't such a state of dismissal. "You throw like a girl", "Line up ladies!", "Grow a pair of balls", etc. So what if you don't? Why is it so bad to not be a man? I've done okay without growing a pair AND I throw like a girl. So what?

The horrific bullying that men do to each other is the result of bullying women. They use the same tactics to create internal hierarchies that establish dominant traits that ostracize the alternative group. The psychological result can actually be worse for sensitive guys than it is for the average women - possibly. I HATE every aspect of male dominance of this form.

Disclaimer: I have my filters down after a glass of wine, but if I could get breast implants that shoot lasers, I would first aim for these bullying men and take out every one of them. I'd start with the arrogant, privileged football players and move on to the toothless good ol' boy hicks.