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  1. #61
    Theta Male Julius_Van_Der_Beak's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    I think one of the reasons people get to the point where EVERYTHING makes them angry is because so much effort is put into trying to ignore anger in the first place.
    Quite possibly, yes.

    There’s always a reason for anger. As much as it might seem like that reason is ‘outside’ of you, the anger and the reason for it are actually inside. I think it’s a totally common trap to blame others for some way in which we aren’t taking care of ourselves. Instead of thinking, “this is too petty and it shouldn’t make me angry”- realize that it does make you angry and think about why, and don’t expect a ‘why’ that feels correct to surface immediately.
    One thing for me.... if I try to think about "why" too early, I think that plays a role in suppressing anger. But it doesn't actually diminish the charge. I just need to write it, but try my damnedest not to fit it into a conceptual framework. At least not at first. I suppose that fits with not expecting a "why" to surface immediately, though.

    The ability to let it go (like lady x mentioned in the above quote)- and to realize that everyone is operating from they best place they know how- is something that comes from building acceptance for that anger in the first place. It’s not really a choice someone can make (to ‘choose’ to let it go), it’s an ability that needs to be cultivated.
    Thank you. This is what bugs me about people telling me to let it go. I don't find it that easy. If it's because I haven't accepted it first, that's a different story. Same for "not having expectations." I mean, yeah, that makes sense... but I have the expectations. Telling me not to have them doesn't make them go away. It's like telling someone not to get cancer.
    It’s not going to happen overnight from a realization. It’s like a muscle that needs to be built from having that realization over and over and over again- until it becomes part of your cognitive autopilot.
    Thanks for putting this into a framework I can grasp.
    /is hoping she doesn't sound too preachy, but also doesn't really feel like taking the time to figure out how to not sound preachy
    You actually articulated that in a way that didn't make me want to throw my laptop against a wall, so thanks.
    [Trump's] rhetoric is not an abuse of power. In the same way that it's also not against the law to do a backflip off of the roof of your house onto your concrete driveway. It's just mind-numbingly stupid and, to say the least, counterproductive. - Bush did 9-11


    This is not going to go the way you think....

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  2. #62
    Theta Male Julius_Van_Der_Beak's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    I think one of the reasons people get to the point where EVERYTHING makes them angry is because so much effort is put into trying to ignore anger in the first place.
    Quite possibly, yes.

    There’s always a reason for anger. As much as it might seem like that reason is ‘outside’ of you, the anger and the reason for it are actually inside. I think it’s a totally common trap to blame others for some way in which we aren’t taking care of ourselves. Instead of thinking, “this is too petty and it shouldn’t make me angry”- realize that it does make you angry and think about why, and don’t expect a ‘why’ that feels correct to surface immediately.
    One thing for me.... if I try to think about "why" too early, I think that plays a role in suppressing anger. But it doesn't actually diminish the charge. I just need to write it, but try my damnedest not to fit it into a conceptual framework. At least not at first. I suppose that fits with not expecting a "why" to surface immediately, though.

    The ability to let it go (like lady x mentioned in the above quote)- and to realize that everyone is operating from they best place they know how- is something that comes from building acceptance for that anger in the first place. It’s not really a choice someone can make (to ‘choose’ to let it go), it’s an ability that needs to be cultivated.
    Thank you. This is what bugs me about people telling me to let it go. I don't find it that easy. If it's because I haven't accepted it first, that's a different story. Same for "not having expectations." I mean, yeah, that makes sense... but I have the expectations. Telling me not to have them doesn't make them go away. It's like telling someone not to get cancer.
    It’s not going to happen overnight from a realization. It’s like a muscle that needs to be built from having that realization over and over and over again- until it becomes part of your cognitive autopilot.
    Thanks for putting this into a framework I can grasp.
    /is hoping she doesn't sound too preachy, but also doesn't really feel like taking the time to figure out how to not sound preachy
    You actually articulated that in a way that didn't make me want to throw my laptop against a wall, so thanks.
    [Trump's] rhetoric is not an abuse of power. In the same way that it's also not against the law to do a backflip off of the roof of your house onto your concrete driveway. It's just mind-numbingly stupid and, to say the least, counterproductive. - Bush did 9-11


    This is not going to go the way you think....

    Visit my Johari:
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  3. #63
    Theta Male Julius_Van_Der_Beak's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    /is hoping she doesn't sound too preachy, but also doesn't really feel like taking the time to figure out how to not sound preachy.....*J*
    Actually, this is an excellent post, and puts it into a framework I can follow. I've heard similair ideas before, but it never became clear to me that this was something I was supposed to develop and practice.

    I know people mean well by telling me simply to let it go, but where I am right now, that's like telling me not to get cancer. Would that I could.
    [Trump's] rhetoric is not an abuse of power. In the same way that it's also not against the law to do a backflip off of the roof of your house onto your concrete driveway. It's just mind-numbingly stupid and, to say the least, counterproductive. - Bush did 9-11


    This is not going to go the way you think....

    Visit my Johari:
    http://kevan.org/johari?name=Birddude78

  4. #64
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by msg_v2 View Post

    Thank you. This is what bugs me about people telling me to let it go. I don't find it that easy. If it's because I haven't accepted it first, that's a different story. Same for "not having expectations." I mean, yeah, that makes sense... but I have the expectations. Telling me not to have them doesn't make them go away. It's like telling someone not to get cancer.
    Yeah, I hear you on this. (Lol.) It really isn't a choice, and a huge part of the problem is already feeling like it 'should' be a choice.....and time and time again not being able to 'choose' it. It's throwing fuel on the fire (making one's own anger harder to accept) instead of helping put that fire out.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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  5. #65
    Senior Member zago's Avatar
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    The simple answer is this: rage doesn't work. We tend to have some idea, perhaps it comes from media, that when someone shows anger suddenly they are in control and other people will back down and recognize their authority. I used to think I had to show anger as part of being a normal, assertive person. There is something inside us that says, "if you can't get angry, people will think you're a pushover." The last thing anyone wants to be is weak.

    The reality of anger is that it makes people rebellious, and it usually makes you look, literally, ridiculous. Seeing people get angry is hilarious. There is nothing funnier than an angry person. Behind your back, hours, days, and weeks later, people will still be laughing and mocking any angry outburst a person has. And if you're a generally grumpy person who isn't quite prone to outbursts, they'll still do pretty much the same.

    Point, again, is that it doesn't work, and what you want is what works. Anger itself isn't truth. It's just your strategy. But it's a bad one.

    Just be charming. ABC. Always Be Charming. Nothing softens a person to your will like charm. It lulls them into thinking you have no will. It lowers their guard. Anger raises their guard. So make talk with people. Act happy to see them, even if you aren't. Ask them questions, get them talking about themselves. Or just don't look like you're having a bad time. Some people feed on getting under other people's skin. If you let them know they're getting to you, they'll keep doing it. Do something else to get your mind off it if necessary, if you find yourself dwelling on anger.

    Don't look at it as lowering your standards. Look at it as taking control.

  6. #66
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    I skipped a lot of posts ... just writing to say that I deeply sympathize and that it made me furious when I realized that it doesn't matter if you're competent, it only matters if you're nice, and this applies to so much in life that it's disgusting. I have never been able to turn that around or "just let it go," and as a result, I can pretty much only function when I'm medicated to the gills. But it *is* important to get as far away from stupid people as you can, so work on that. Try to find a place where you feel some kinship with the manager and he gets you. I know it's easier said than done, but do try. And as usual, I suggest pharmaceticals -- smoking pot has often made me nauseated and paranoid, too, but whatever else you can find that alters your brain chemistry in some way that helps is worth a try. Sorry to hear you're going through this.

  7. #67

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    Quote Originally Posted by msg_v2 View Post
    Today, after every call, I've been writing down everything that annoy me, no matter how petty. Interestingly, this makes me less annoyed afterwards.
    Reflection does work. And so does exercise, it makes you stronger and more resilient and better able to handle stress. People are annoying and emotional creatures. People are just people, and you are people too.

    Be tough, smile. You'll be fine.

  8. #68
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Also if you can find a person or two who is annoyed by the same kind of thing, at least you know you're not crazy (or not the only crazy person of your type). It's calming to me at least. I have little groups of folks who will inevitably know exactly what I'm talking about if I just post "OMG, So-And-So!", they will respond with "I know! the comment about blah blah!" and I don't have to explain anything. I don't know if it's this way with you, but I calm down as soon as I know someone else sees it and I'm not just being a cantankerous old bitch in some weird kind of way that nobody else sees.

  9. #69
    Member NKC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by msg_v2 View Post
    I have a lot of it, and if I'm not careful, it might cost my job. I need a different job, obviously, but other than that... what can I do?

    I know, for instance, that I have to be very careful about telling people that they are wrong, but it's really hard for me to not do that in the most blunt way possible if somebody is sitting there accusing me of being incompetent and being snotty about it, when they are the one with no idea what they are talking about.

    It frustrates me to no end that, as an employee of my company, I am far more likely to get in trouble for not being pleasant than I am for being downright negligent or incompetent. I don't think it's unique to my workplace either. It just bugs me so much that I have to not only clean up after other people's mistakes (which I suppose I don't mind>) and be pleasant about it ( which I do mind, at least someone is giving me a hard time).

    Can't really afford therapy, so don't bring that up.
    well. there is the applied behavioral analysis approach and then there is a more gestalt approach. I would probably blend both. try to find your triggers and make a list of them and then game plan how you might intervene before a "rage" outburst. I'd read about hostility and anger management. I would probably recommend journaling, yoga and/or other exercise. Just because we're introverted doesn't mean we don't need people so try your best to find a comfortable medium and push your limits every day. maybe get into bicycling or running. It's a solo activity but you can get into a group scenario. give people a chance. just try to at least. if you give people a chance to show you their humanity, you might be surprised. consider your company. NO company is better than bad company. If you had a support system, even if it was people you ran with etc. you could build on that. get the 5K app. It's good. work your way into it. you'll eventually derive a sense of achievement. remember our brains are like cave man brains. not sure what your sex is but if you're a guy, I always tell guys the analogy that their brain is a cave man brain and it matters that they CREATE that challenge for themselves. (I see buffalo. grunt. kill it. feed my fam. feel awesome. self esteem and all that jazz). One thing at a time though. If you don't want a therapist, consider a life coach and if you don't want to spend money, learn how to be your own best friend (we are not our own worst enemy, unless you want to be). either way, asking for advice makes a difference in my eyes. I personally can't take a man seriously who has no regard for his flaws. I admire it and I hope you follow through on something to problem solve the scenario.
    There'd be no method if there were no madness ...

  10. #70
    Member NKC's Avatar
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    second thought. this forum must not be as active because this thread was fresh on top, and the date is crazy old!!!

    oops. sorry. this is awkward.
    There'd be no method if there were no madness ...

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