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  1. #31
    Senior Member AzulEyes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Samvega View Post
    It sounds to me like you did the right thing. In my relationship I often found myself saying "it's like there's no room for me in this relationship". I would get upset about an issue or something she was doing and it would always end in me having to comfort her and take care of her followed by me having to take care of whatever my own emotions initially were without her support or input. This was also always followed up with an "if you'd only said it like this" you would have gotten your needs met.

    We went to couples therapy but she got zero attention for the "emotional abuse" she was claiming there because she couldn't manipulate her perception onto the therapist with me there. So in addition to the couples therapist, her normal therapist and the two life coaches she was already seeing, she started going to see a free therapist at a woman's crisis center which of course helped her to feel like a complete victim. Keep in mind here, this entire time I'm thinking I'm going insane and I'm emotionally abusive and I'm the problem but self deceived so I'm trying to fix me while she's soaking up all the attention she can for being an abused woman, she even posted it on her facebook wall /:

    It's a tough thing to watch play out and there's a pattern that I can clearly see from the outside, not just with me but with her entire life. It's hard to love somebody, know what the issue is and have to walk away because they refuse to see it.



    I agree with this fully. I'm my case, she was a very unhealthy 4 who thought she was a 5, something I'm finding out is fairly common.
    Uggh sorry you went thru that all of it but bolded. ^
    You are in a relationship to also get something out of it. Not simply to be someone's caretaker and punching bag. You deserve someone who understands this and can give you what you deserve.
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  2. #32
    Buddhist Misanthrope Samvega's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AzulEyes View Post
    Uggh sorry you went thru that all of it but bolded. ^
    You are in a relationship to also get something out of it. Not simply to be someone's caretaker and punching bag. You deserve someone who understands this and can give you what you deserve.
    I was just sharing my experience so that you would have another option to draw from and so that I couple better process it myself. Thank you for the sympathy but in holding myself accountable I chose to stick around and play things out for my own unhealthy reasons. I am certainly no saint nor am I free of responsibility for the unhealthy outcome. I need to process what I was getting out of a dynamic like that as a healthy person would leave a relationship that wasn't a true partnership.

  3. #33
    Senior Member AzulEyes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Samvega View Post
    I was just sharing my experience so that you would have another option to draw from and so that I couple better process it myself. Thank you for the sympathy but in holding myself accountable I chose to stick around and play things out for my own unhealthy reasons. I am certainly no saint nor am I free of responsibility for the unhealthy outcome. I need to process what I was getting out of a dynamic like that as a healthy person would leave a relationship that wasn't a true partnership.
    great points and taking accountability for your own actions. Something we all have to strive to do at all times!
    It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

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  4. #34
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glycerine View Post
    It's never a good idea to diagnose someone like that.
    And yet with no qualifications and no training whatsoever we apply and interpret a personality test (mbti) to ourselves, our families, our friends, celebrities and our pets.

  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mole View Post
    And yet with no qualifications and no training whatsoever we apply and interpret a personality test (mbti) to ourselves, our families, our friends, celebrities and our pets.
    Spot on, INFP.

  6. #36
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    so question: how early can someone be diagnosed with this, in terms of age? or rather - what is the difference between someone of a younger age being full borderline and someone just being... well, a teenager? taking things to extreme, testing the boarders, thinking in terms of black & white? a lot of this stuff just seem like stereotypical dumb teenager behavior.

  7. #37
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    so question: how early can someone be diagnosed with this, in terms of age? or rather - what is the difference between someone of a younger age being full borderline and someone just being... well, a teenager? taking things to extreme, testing the boarders, thinking in terms of black & white? a lot of this stuff just seem like stereotypical dumb teenager behavior.
    I believe between 18 and 20 is the earliest it can be diagnosed. I know like 5-6 borderlines, I mean ones that have been officially diagnosed.

  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    What if someone you are close to is exhibiting many of these traits? Isn't there value in learning about the disorder and related ones to see if there are strategies to help the relationship? That is completely different from going up to a person and declaring a diagnosis.

    There is a significant difference between a diagnosis and a concern. I have family members who are married to people who exhibit these behaviors to a point that they are making everyone around them sick. I've read up on it a lot because the information is practical when applied to situations in my life. Who on earth is going to go up to someone and declare a diagnosis? If you don't suspect it and study, how is anyone going to learn coping mechanisms? Yes, you can go to counseling, but they can't diagnosis someone they don't meet, so the most they could do is direct you to information as well, and support your own emotional wreckage that results from it.

    We need to support people who are dealing with dysfunctional people.
    Hey fia, No matter how hard I try to keep my notifications in order...each day it seems one or two slip by me and so I'm responding late here.

    I sometimes have a difficult time understanding your posts/messages and the above is no exception. I get the sense I'm being criticized for something in someway... but what I'm unable to ascertain is whether or not you understood my message to AzulEyes in the first place. I mean, when you say above "That is completely different from going up to a person and declaring a diagnosis." <-When I look at my message I don't know where that comes from...and just to be clear that wasn't my concern. It would be if I got the sense that was what she had in mind to do but I didn't get that vibe from her for whatever reason. Moreover, when you say to me "We need to support people who are dealing with dysfunctional people." I get the sense you feel I was advising against supporting (sorry I can't bring myself to use the phrase 'dysfunctional people') individuals that are experiencing challenges whatever they may be? The last line from my post actually advises she find an alternative way to help her friend...and while I didn't care to back it up at the time...that advice comes by way of some hard fought personal experience. I don't normally enter into these threads...but because of my INFJ sister...I do enter threads entitled Borderline Personality Disorder.

    Like any ENFP with Attention Deficit Disorder...I lost count of how many times I changed majors. I started out in Psychology though...kicking some serious butt when it came to diagnosis (seriously I should have stuck with it - I was an ENFP idiot after my first major change.) And of course I was thrilled to finally figure out what disorder it was my sister had been struggling with for some time. I never said this to her though. But I ran right out and purchased 18 copies of the BPD classic "Walking On Eggshells" and distributed it to all other family members. Now, did getting everyone in my family all up to speed on BPD do anything to assist anyone let alone my sister? No. In spite of the best intentions on the part of my family...all it seemed to do was set up this weird dynamic of inequality towards my sister in this "we know what's best for you...we know you better than yourself...we understand what you are doing better than you understand what you are doing..." and in my opinion her behavior became even more combative - not less. And all of this came before the word BPD was ever spoken.

    ^^This is not uncommon - at all. Families, friends, etc. making their loved one's burdens more difficult to bear in this way. Again, completely unintentionally.

    Today, I am once again working as a volunteer counselor/mentor in a state sponsored program for youth in the juvenile corrections system...and from my experience working with a variety of different conditions... get a professional diagnosis first...and then begin your studies alongside the loved one. Prior to that...being a strong individual with a general understanding of the human condition, compassion and healthy boundaries <-that seems to be more helpful in supporting your loved one...and encouraging them to seek out some professional assessment and treatment, etc. than anything you might come across browsing the internet. This is just my advice though. And would be the advice of so many of the people I've met on my journey. Each person will need to make their own decisions though - for themselves.

    My sister received her BPD diagnosis maybe 5 years after I noticed it in her... and I can honestly say...learning everything there is/was to know about BPD was completely useless.

    *edit: It's also a tricky thing to know what role a friend should take on in another individual's struggle as there are so many varying degrees of closeness, etc. idk. The OP ended her friendship though...so none of this matters anymore.

    *edit 2: I was thinking when you say this---> "We need to support people who are dealing with dysfunctional people." are you suggesting I wasn't supporting AzulEyes? I don't even know what to say...but you don't know what words I have or have not had with her off the forum. Still, the advice I gave her publicly...I'm very comfortable with. And I gave it with her and her friend in mind.

  9. #39
    Senior Member _eric_'s Avatar
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    Samvega, your description reminds me SO much of how things were with my ex/first girlfriend, who I was with for 3 years. Eerily similar in some respects. She broke up with me, and several months later decided we should never talk again. (It's a long story, not going into any details.) At that point I thought to myself, screw it, I have nothing else to lose, and suggested to her that she might have BPD (I was very respectful about it though, even after everything I still care about her and would never use that as something to try to hurt her.). She then looked it up and surprisingly agreed very strongly and said that there is not one thing about it that isn't like her, and that it fits her better than anything else like depression, anxiety, etc. She has no health insurance and can't get any sort of help for it though, which sucks, I really want her to do well.

    I certainly wasn't perfect, but I did my very best and put in so much effort into making things work, but it ended up never being enough because of her issues. Even with the most patient, calm, stable, understanding, supportive people, it can still be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to deal with people who have it if you are in a close relationship with them. At least with her acknowledging [at the very least] the strong possibility of having BPD (again, no insurance, so can't get a diagnosis, but BPD is the best fit...), that does help me feel better about her breaking up with me in that it is a reassurance that I am not as 'bad' as she quite often claimed I was. As with you, Samvega, she also claimed that I 'emotionally abused' her. (What a joke, it was the other way around and she was incapable of seeing it.) It's good to see that I am not alone in having dealt with all that mess. Never again...

    As a side note, she is an INFP 4w3 sp/sx.

  10. #40
    Theta Male Julius_Van_Der_Beak's Avatar
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    If you saw someone vomiting, would you go up to him and tell him he might have stomach cancer? Of course not. That should be left to a doctor.

    Oddly, when it comes to mental illnesses, people are less hesitant to provide diagnoses.

    MBTI is a description, not a diagnosis, so the same does not apply here. Some people just object to it because it makes them feel less special, even though they share a lot in common with the other people who dislike it because it makes them feel less special.

    Some people seem to use mental disorders as a substitute for actually bothering to understand people different from them. Usually, when I see someone engaging in this kind of hasty diagnosis, this is what appears to be going on. That's not what it's supposed to be for.
    [Trump's] rhetoric is not an abuse of power. In the same way that it's also not against the law to do a backflip off of the roof of your house onto your concrete driveway. It's just mind-numbingly stupid and, to say the least, counterproductive. - Bush did 9-11


    This is not going to go the way you think....

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