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  1. #11
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    i believe we might have our local expert on managing personal relationships with people who have BPD... so i summon @Lexicon to the stage. ask her anything you want to know (i get 12% of the credits for her answers).

  2. #12
    Senior Member AzulEyes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    I didn't see either of your posts at first (???) and was about to say the same exact thing...but say it kinda like I was the first person to say it...
    @AzulEyes

    That's a mighty big Axis II diagnosis you're tossing around there. And something most mental health professionals wouldn't touch without a PhD and some specialization in Personality Disorders.

    Please keep in mind as well that there are so many other disorders that can mimic the symptoms of...so many other disorders.

    If you are concerned about your friend's wellbeing...I'm assuming there are alternative ways you can best assist her.
    Thanks for that feedback. I guess I have convinced myself that it is BPD. It mimics it soooooo much. I don't know what to do. I literally had to end the friendship.
    It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

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  3. #13
    Senior Member AzulEyes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    i believe we might have our local expert on managing personal relationships with people who have BPD... so i summon @Lexicon to the stage. ask her anything you want to know (i get 12% of the credits for her answers).
    Thank you for that!
    I am trying to give my friend hints about this. I think he needs to look into it. Is it wrong for me to say, "I think you have BPD." hmmm
    It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

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  4. #14
    Senior Member AzulEyes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    ^ This!


    ... As for the actual question in the OP, I have a very close friend with BPD. She is a fantastic friend, very loyal and caring. We've been friends since high school, and while she's very flighty and prone towards making her major life decisions based on impulse, seemingly always with the aim to escape, there are some friends she's always stuck with. I am one of those friends, because I'm steady and reliable. She's told me that as someone who is constantly worried about what other people think of her, and who is very easily hurt by people's comments, she values having a friend who is straightforward and whose motives she will never have to question.

    Anyway -- I brought up why she likes me because one way that you could help your friend, without armchair diagnosing them, is by just being there for them. Looking out for them in ways that you know will be soothing to their neuroses -- i.e. what concerns them the most in their everyday life.

    Edit: I know so little details about your friend, or the situation, that I can't say for sure whether my advice would make sense... So take this with a grain of salt. Or disregard.

    Another edit: I had been friends with this girl for over five years before she told me she had BPD -- so it's worth noting that when I say cater to your friend's needs, I don't mean cater to what you THINK their needs are based on the armchair diagnosis. I mean, cater to your friend's needs based on who they really are.

    Ugh I never should have brought up that my friend has BPD... That information is not conducive to my point.

    ^ This too!!
    Thank you for this and it's okay! All of this is helping me and I thank you SO much!! You don't even know.
    It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

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  5. #15
    Vaguely Precise Seymour's Avatar
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    Folks with borderline personality disorder (BPD) suffer a lot, and are deserving of support and compassion. However, folks with BPD are very good at pushing limits, so it's important that one sets and defends boundaries with them. If one can't do so, it may be necessary to limit interaction for everyone's sake.

    Given that, people with borderline personality disorder vary a lot, and many are quite functional in various areas of their lives.

    I do recommend the book Stop Walking on Eggshells if you have a friend or family member with BPD.

  6. #16
    Senior Member AzulEyes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Seymour View Post
    Folks with borderline personality disorder (BPD) suffer a lot, and are deserving of support and compassion. However, folks with BPD are very good at pushing limits, so it's important that one sets and defends boundaries with them. If one can't do so, it may be necessary to limit interaction for everyone's sake.

    Given that, people with borderline personality disorder vary a lot, and many are quite functional in various areas of their lives.

    I do recommend the book Stop Walking on Eggshells if you have a friend or family member with BPD.
    This is great advice. I felt like against my better wishes- I had to cut my friend off- not in my character to do with anyone- because he did exactly that. Pushed my limit with no regard for me- even when I essentially asked for mercy. I had no pride in this. It was like once I let my guard down, it was more reason to push me more. You can only take so much before your very dignity is at stake. It's sad. I will check out this book- thank you!
    It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

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  7. #17
    Buddhist Misanthrope Samvega's Avatar
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    I have been doing a lot of research on this for many reasons, at the top of the list, knowing how to avoid relationships with people that are unhealthy and trying to better understand why I seek those types of relationships. This is very common among abusive women, they're typically incredibly self deceived and they're often excellent at finding people that are susceptible to their forms of manipulation. Additionally, they're very defensive towards anything that can lift the reality illusion they're hiding behind and will often convince you that you're the issue or the cause of their choices and actions. Much of the time those with cluster B personality disorders like HPD, BPD, NPD, and so on are high functioning seemingly completely normal people and as a result the people they pull into their web are otherwise normal, functional, healthy people.

    I recently got out of a relationship with a woman that exhibited the majority of behaviors associated with HPD and it was one heck of a ride even for me and I have solid boundaries.

    As an ENTP, she played into my desire to "problem solve" and I wouldn't have otherwise been with her as I can see now that the dust has settled she had nothing to contribute to my life, a healthy relationship and is incapable of a true partnership with anybody including herself without first addressing some things internally.

    I would have zero hesitations about being friends with somebody dealing with this provided my emotional needs were in no way attached to them. I would be certain to maintain very firm boundaries and never enable their negative behaviors. I would also have a rule about no negativity or victim behaviors, to them it is like crack for a crack addict and I wouldn't enable it.

    Those are my thoughts, I wouldn't give up on a friendship, I would simply educate yourself on how to be the best possible friend for them.

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by AzulEyes View Post
    Thank you for that!
    I am trying to give my friend hints about this. I think he needs to look into it. Is it wrong for me to say, "I think you have BPD." hmmm
    "wrong" isn't quite the word i would use, but if they are among the 30% BPDs who also have NPD or show any signs of narcissistic injury, then it might just not be very effective - i mean telling someone that is one hell of a loaded criticism for them to not be able to take...

    but when/if you do, their might be some worth in trying to frame it in an affirming manner:
    - saying "i think you have BPD" can come across as you saying there's something wrong with them and who they are...
    - alternatively, saying "i think you might suffer from BPD" might imply they are victims of a condition out of their control.
    they could be more accepting of the later then of the first.

    however, if they do have it, then becoming aware of it can actually help them a great deal - i believe there are medications that can help boarderline's with the mood instability as well as decrease the chances of psychotic breakdowns. it's not a perfect treatment, but it can help her/him gain more control of their lives, both internally and externally (which would in turn be helpful for anyone in their lives).

  9. #19

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    BPD can develope and behave in lot of ways. One can have love/hate relationship with others, or the negative feelings are turned against that person. Their problem is, that they are not able to see more than one angle of person/thing/belief... So if the person acts once bad to them, they categorize this person as bad, even though he might have tons of amazing characteristics. They tend to be idealistic about their relationship, they idealize one person as "god" and when the person no longer satisfy their idealized expectations, he is categorized as bad and they move on to another person, or throw themselves to sex adventures, binges, crazy shopping and might seem like out of control. This is really important... 1. unstable love/hate relationship with others , 2. out of control behavior... They just go throught extrems... love, hate, binges, starving, biggest party, depression, excitement, burn out... this called borderline for a reason, because people just really struggle to find that final line, where things are still healthy and good and when things are just no longer under their control. A lot of people with BPD might appear as bipolar, but their moods switch in minutes, or hours, while for people with bipolar it might take years to switch from one mood to another. BPD people are also usually extremly over sensitive when it comes to rejection or reactions of others on their self. They are not able to create an inner identity, they just feel empty inside, so all they have is the opinion of others about themselves. The feelings of inner emptiness also tend to be chronic and unchanging. I agree with everyone here, you can't diagnose a person just like that. BPD is complex and hard to understand

  10. #20
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    I didn't see either of your posts at first (???) and was about to say the same exact thing...but say it kinda like I was the first person to say it...
    @AzulEyes

    That's a mighty big Axis II diagnosis you're tossing around there. And something most mental health professionals wouldn't touch without a PhD and some specialization in Personality Disorders.

    Please keep in mind as well that there are so many other disorders that can mimic the symptoms of...so many other disorders.

    If you are concerned about your friend's wellbeing...I'm assuming there are alternative ways you can best assist her.
    What if someone you are close to is exhibiting many of these traits? Isn't there value in learning about the disorder and related ones to see if there are strategies to help the relationship? That is completely different from going up to a person and declaring a diagnosis.

    There is a significant difference between a diagnosis and a concern. I have family members who are married to people who exhibit these behaviors to a point that they are making everyone around them sick. I've read up on it a lot because the information is practical when applied to situations in my life. Who on earth is going to go up to someone and declare a diagnosis? If you don't suspect it and study, how is anyone going to learn coping mechanisms? Yes, you can go to counseling, but they can't diagnosis someone they don't meet, so the most they could do is direct you to information as well, and support your own emotional wreckage that results from it.

    We need to support people who are dealing with dysfunctional people.
    Quote Originally Posted by AzulEyes View Post
    Thank you for that!
    I am trying to give my friend hints about this. I think he needs to look into it. Is it wrong for me to say, "I think you have BPD." hmmm
    I wouldn't suggest a diagnosis, but just look at the emotional imbalances exhibited. I would be more likely to say to the friend that he seems to suffer emotionally for [name the specific issues he deals with] and that he could likely benefit from counseling. If he has self-loathing, or thinks all good or bad about others, then focus on those specific behaviors as the issue and not a label.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

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