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  1. #1
    Ratchet Ass Moon Fairy Comeback Girl's Avatar
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    Default Why on earth do so many people interfere with other people's lives?

    I know, I'm studying psychology out here, but I really want to know why some people always have to get into other people's business. Complaining about certain life choices other people make (while they don't harm anyone with it), making people feel bad about the choices they make. Why the fuck do people think this is necessary? For example, I have a thirty year old cousin who doesn't have a husband, boyfriend or children. She spent years of her life being serious, having little fun, and now she's trying to make up for the years that she 'missed out' by traveling a lot and having tons of fun. Meanwhile, my dad (who's not related to her) keeps complaining that she's getting old and that it's a scandal that she isn't married and having babies yet. Or let's talk about all those fellow students of mine who don't seem to like doing anything else than telling other people they should live their lives exactly the way they do. Or my grandmother, who bluntly tells strangers in public they should wear a more 'decent' outfit. I'm sick and tired of other people who are trying to tell others what to do with their lives, while they weren't hurting anyone else with the way they were living at that point.

    So I was wondering:
    What the fuck is wrong with people?!


    EDIT: Turns out Google Translate set me up with the wrong fucking translation again. I was talking about guilt-tripping and making people feel bad, not actually taking action. Just thought you guys should know.
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  2. #2
    my floof is luxury Wind Up Rex's Avatar
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    I'll admit it: I'm an interferer. I don't do it over trivial shit. I generally only dick around in someone else's life if I have a stake in the well-being in that person, or if their actions will impact something I feel to be of interest to me. Otherwise, I'm as live and let live as they come. I don't generally care about what most people are up to, much less feel entitled to judge it unless it's clearly against my sense of right and wrong.
    And so long as you haven’t experienced this: to die and so to grow,
    you are only a troubled guest on the dark earth

  3. #3
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    I'm not really sure what motivates people to do this, but there are probably different reasons. This is what I think so far:

    It can be a habit. Other people do it to them, they learn to do it as well as just part of their cultural communication and expectations. Perhaps there is an expectation of a tight-knit society like a church family where everyone thinks and acts alike. People desire this and find it comfortable and familiar, or something like that.

    The person may feel a lack of control over their own life and so they focus on trying to control other people.

    Like @Wind-Up Rex said, there is a feeling of the other person's choices having consequences for them personally. I have heard of family members who mess up their lives and expect others to bail them out, and then they just do it again, so people get angry about that. Perhaps when that happens personally, people are more likely to try to straighten everyone out whether or not they have a stake in their lives?

    I'm not an interferer as far as I know. When I teach I have to be someone instructive, but even there I am less controlling than most. I probably err on the side of being an enabler. I'm not a complete enabler though and can draw boundaries when needed. It isn't like you have to be one or the other.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
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    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
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    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.

  4. #4
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    Sometimes people honestly want to know how and why other people act the way they do. But they are shocked at the same time, so their judgements comes out as condemnation. But when you probe a little bit, you may find that there's a little envy hidden under there.

  5. #5
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Ime, it is done for three main reasons:

    A) Whatever the other person is doing is making them feel uncomfortable coz it's not familiar, it's condemned by society, or it triggers anxiety in some other way. Since it is an unpleasant situation to be in, they project the blame for this unease on the person that is triggering it with their behavior

    B) It allows them to feel validated that *they* are doing things correctly in life. Bonus points if you can get others to join in and support your pov. It's the whole 'I have a Jag coz then everyone else envies me' but in virtue. In essence though, this is a close cousin to situation A

    C) The behavior could impact them, people they love, or people in general in a bad way in their opinion. In its most altruistic and general way, it is to keep others from harm - i.e telling them to put the knife away so they won't ruin their life and take someone else's in a fit of drunk rage. But it can also be done from a place of survivalism - i.e. fighting over limited resources/interests, and that in itself can be done from a place of true competition or from a place of pride or ego - i.e. How dare he stand in my way to greatness, doesn't he know that that is MY spot.

    The first two I can understand but have no patience with in general. Own your bloody own state of emotions, and stop making it someone elses problem. Granted, there is a learning curve to that and everybody is bound to occasionally slip as life can be fucking frustrating.

    The latter one is somethign I honestly struggle with. I can see the validity of it -especially the 'harm none' one, and there are some serious grey areas as well as total assholish areas. If someone knows how to parse out this piece, lemme know coz it has been driving me bonkers
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  6. #6
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    I tend to be the type that promotes criticism as a means of furthering development, though the act of controlling people or breaking bonds I could see as being a human vice.

    My ideals are that people should be open and able to take on challenges, even those imposed by others, but they should also encourage independence of mind and freedom of action.

    This doesn't mean that we should be hostile to people who disagree with us. I'm more for the concept of integration. We're each parts influencing the overall structure and operation of our society.

    Every person is important, and we all have pieces that can and must be accepted. Peace can only come as a natural consequence of universal enlightenment.

  7. #7
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    ...
    C) The behavior could impact them, people they love, or people in general in a bad way in their opinion. In its most altruistic and general way, it is to keep others from harm - i.e telling them to put the knife away so they won't ruin their life and take someone else's in a fit of drunk rage. But it can also be done from a place of survivalism - i.e. fighting over limited resources/interests, and that in itself can be done from a place of true competition or from a place of pride or ego - i.e. How dare he stand in my way to greatness, doesn't he know that that is MY spot.

    The first two I can understand but have no patience with in general. Own your bloody own state of emotions, and stop making it someone elses problem. Granted, there is a learning curve to that and everybody is bound to occasionally slip as life can be fucking frustrating.

    The latter one is somethign I honestly struggle with. I can see the validity of it -especially the 'harm none' one, and there are some serious grey areas as well as total assholish areas. If someone knows how to parse out this piece, lemme know coz it has been driving me bonkers
    I've been on the receiving end of this because I am the youngest in my family and have made choices that are the most different from them. They had a bad reaction when I divorced and moved in with someone I met online. I kept the process a secret from them because I knew their anxiety would be through the roof, and my own nerves were extended to the point of snapping, so I worked it out with a therapist, my ex-husband, and my new partner. Everyone I dealt with was pretty level-headed. This would be rude to say to my family, but I think I am generally the most level-headed and able to distance myself from issues. I understood why they responded badly to my choices because they were so alien to them and felt so risky. I was in a risky situation and actually made the most reasonable choice given my scenario. They didn't trust me with my own life and that hurt me incredibly. I felt like after a lifetime of seeing me be responsible and strong, why couldn't they give me the benefit of the doubt. I felt treated like a child. It is okay to take a knife away from a child because as the adult, one is in the position of superior knowledge and power. To impose personal values on someone else is to take on role of adult and place them in the role of a child.

    My brother chose and stayed married to a mean and controlling woman. He suffers for it, but it is his choice. Who am I to say it is wrong? It can certainly look wrong, but perhaps he has deep, complex psychological issues he is working out in this manner. My sister has horrible chronic pain and I have seen her sit on the couch in non-ergonomic positions. I mentioned it once, and she pushed back, so that's it. Maybe there is something about the way she sits that helps to stretch or relax parts of her body I cannot feel. Even in cases where I do know better, sometimes people have to learn experientially. Each person owns their life and choices. When I see someone do something that seems wrong, I try to include in my view the possibility that I misunderstood, or that I am also wrong. Sometimes one person is sick because of not eating any protein and someone else insists they eat strawberries which they are allergic to eating. Both people are wrong. I think there is an element of that in the majority of human exchanges, so it's always better for someone to make their own mistakes rather than making someone else's mistakes.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.

  8. #8
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    I've been on the receiving end of this because I am the youngest in my family and have made choices that are the most different from them. They had a bad reaction when I divorced and moved in with someone I met online. I kept the process a secret from them because I knew their anxiety would be through the roof, and my own nerves were extended to the point of snapping, so I worked it out with a therapist, my ex-husband, and my new partner. Everyone I dealt with was pretty level-headed. This would be rude to say to my family, but I think I am generally the most level-headed and able to distance myself from issues. I understood why they responded badly to my choices because they were so alien to them and felt so risky. I was in a risky situation and actually made the most reasonable choice given my scenario. They didn't trust me with my own life and that hurt me incredibly. I felt like after a lifetime of seeing me be responsible and strong, why couldn't they give me the benefit of the doubt. I felt treated like a child. It is okay to take a knife away from a child because as the adult, one is in the position of superior knowledge and power. To impose personal values on someone else is to take on role of adult and place them in the role of a child.

    My brother chose and stayed married to a mean and controlling woman. He suffers for it, but it is his choice. Who am I to say it is wrong? It can certainly look wrong, but perhaps he has deep, complex psychological issues he is working out in this manner. My sister has horrible chronic pain and I have seen her sit on the couch in non-ergonomic positions. I mentioned it once, and she pushed back, so that's it. Maybe there is something about the way she sits that helps to stretch or relax parts of her body I cannot feel. Even in cases where I do know better, sometimes people have to learn experientially. Each person owns their life and choices. When I see someone do something that seems wrong, I try to include in my view the possibility that I misunderstood, or that I am also wrong. Sometimes one person is sick because of not eating any protein and someone else insists they eat strawberries which they are allergic to eating. Both people are wrong. I think there is an element of that in the majority of human exchanges, so it's always better for someone to make their own mistakes rather than making someone else's mistakes.
    Yeah, I hear ya on that. It is incredible that in that situation, yo uwere still able to have enough energy to keep in mind their hurt feelings and understand where they were coming from, and thank god that you did, coz it would only have made it worse if you hadn't, I'm sure.

    I too prefer to just feel out if someone is open to help or not. Free choice and free will are my top priority in that, as I know myself what that is like. But I occasionally have broken my own rule - and I do struggle with those decisions. I recently on purpose guilt tripped a man who was suicidal to keep him from harming himself. Several times. He knew what I was doing, and why I was doing it, and I even told him straight out that that was why I was doing it. Ultimately, after the facts, he appreciated it, but at that time, he was livid with me for daring to go there. Did I make the right call? I dunno. It went against everything i believe in but...as I told him: You don't need me to be likeable right now, you need me to be your friend, so yes, I am going to go there. It still feels wrong though. Similarly, I can get incredibly rigid and intolerant when someone harms someone else with their actions - especially wrt animals as they are often treated as objects and property, without an ounce of regard for their comfort or level of suffering, and that to the point where it definitely overrides my normal caution to tell people what to do or condemn their behaviour. And part of me wonders...are those legitimate circumstances? Or is that just...well, my very typical NF agenda that gets pushed through? And is that in and of itself hypocritical?

    In short, is there ever a legitimate circumstance where you can condone the exercising of power over another, and how ironic and hypocritical is it to do it to stop others from exercising power over those are unable to defend themselves?
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  9. #9
    Senior Member SensEye's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Comeback Girl View Post
    Or let's talk about all those fellow students of mine who don't seem to like doing anything else than telling other people they should live their lives exactly the way they do. Or my grandmother, who bluntly tells strangers in public they should wear a more 'decent' outfit. I'm sick and tired of other people who are trying to tell others what to do with their lives, while they weren't hurting anyone else with the way they were living at that point.

    So I was wondering:
    What the fuck is wrong with people?!
    They're SJs. You could test them to prove this, but of course, they wouldn't put up with any of this ridiculous MBTI mumbo jumbo.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by SensEye View Post
    They're SJs. You could test them to prove this, but of course, they wouldn't put up with any of this new rediculous MBTI mumbo jumbo.
    Don't equate the psychological categorization of SJ alone with close-minded and judgmental simpletons.

    There may be more SJs on average who tend to be this way sure, but it really could be anyone.

    Personally, I've found that many SJs can be more open to outside information and changing accordingly than other types.

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