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  1. #11
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    More recently, shyness, like other awkward personality traits, has been seen as an affliction to be treated medically rather than as a temperamental quirk.
    This hits on a point I definitely agree with, beyond shyness even. It seems everything is a "disorder" & there are no quirks or eccentricities allowed in people. The idea of what is healthy & functioning is very narrow.

    I definitely note the distinction between my shyness & introversion. The latter has diminished with age, and with no small effort on my part, but the introversion remains. If there is a benefit to shyness, there is a kind of self-preservational aspect - it makes you hold back so as to be less vulnerable.

    But some vulnerability is necessary if you're going to do just about anything in life, make any connections with any other people, so shyness becomes more of an inhibitor than a protection in most cases.

    Another "benefit" of some shyness is that there is "shame" to it that leads you to edit yourself; it can be an inhibitor of unattractive qualities or one which may not be appropriate to display immediately around people. It's kind of a filter until you get a gauge of a situation & see how you best should act. It would be better if this was not shame motivated, of course, but this filter goes both ways, so that you filter others out also before they are "too close".
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

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  2. #12
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 93JC View Post
    EDIT: A shy person () left me a rep comment saying "It becomes a 'normal' part of you." Based on my experience I certainly can't argue otherwise. What I fear now is aloofness (seemingly) becoming cynicism and bitterness. It's one thing for people to think you're difficult to approach and another thing for them to avoid approaching you altogether. People say "live with no regrets"; I already regret having emotionally pushed many good people away.
    Did not see the editing.

    That is generally where I am at at this stage. I have generally regret pushing people away due to my combination of shyness and aloofness. But I've learned that if I don't want to regret any more, I shouldn't let it bother me as much and that I should start changing the way I think.

    I have things to do, so do it (if a bit in a shy manner )

    That shyness, yes, has become a self-fulfilling prophecy by it becoming normal, but I can make it so that it doesn't inhibit me. Those regrets will always be with me, however.

  3. #13
    Paranoid Android Video's Avatar
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    Shyness is. Where it works for you, it's good. Where it works against you, it's not. If you're shy, but live a life where it mostly works for you, cool. If you're shy but want a life that necessitates you becoming less shy, work to change the shyness or rethink what you truly want, or else you're going to be stressed.

    For the record, I am shy.
    4w3 6w5 1w2 sx/sp ISFP

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  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rail Tracer View Post
    Did not see the editing.


    If someone leaves an insightful rep for me I'll often edit my post to respond or build upon it. The biggest drawback of the rep system is that sometimes people say very bright things that would have added to the conversation. If necessary I'll keep the content of the rep vague, and I never reveal the identity of the person who left the comment (unless they respond to the post, then people can draw their own conclusions ).

    That is generally where I am at at this stage. I have generally regret pushing people away due to my combination of shyness and aloofness. But I've learned that if I don't want to regret any more, I shouldn't let it bother me as much and that I should start changing the way I think.
    Whatever works for you. I have tried to "change the way I think" about it and frankly it has never worked for me. The end results are the same. I can pretend to not care all I want; I'd rather change my behaviour, to effect 'real' change.

  5. #15
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 93JC View Post
    Whatever works for you. I have tried to "change the way I think" about it and frankly it has never worked for me. The end results are the same. I can pretend to not care all I want; I'd rather change my behaviour, to effect 'real' change.
    Fake it until one becomes it? Lol

    Ummm, that thought just made me have a long rumination of alter egos of actors and how writers have pen names. And how, when one wants to act a certain way, he/she often creates alter egos for a situation. I noticed I've act differently online than I do in real life, although I am quite sure MANY people also do that.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Article
    When a hole in the chain-link fencing around the centre’s primate range gave the monkeys a chance to get out, the shy ones stayed put while the bolder ones escaped, only to be hit by a truck when they tried to cross the road.
    This is funny, because I've considered (and to some extent still do consider) myself to be a shy person, but when I was very young I actually dug a hole under the fence on the playground and escaped.
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  7. #17
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    Post Shying

    Shying
    by Sadie Stein
    January 27, 2015
    The Paris Review

    One of the great sacrifices of adulthood is giving up shyness. Even if it’s been a defining characteristic since childhood, a constant companion through early life, at a certain point it is a luxury we cannot afford. So far as the world is concerned, we are all outgoing, delighted to be here, happy to see you. We can’t run away when we get to the door.

    There are moments that change our lives. Sometimes big, conscious decisions, other times a word, a missed train, the last five minutes of a party. I can only remember one such, consciously. It was reading a quote by Penelope Keith: “Shyness is just egoism out of its depth.”

    Introversion is real, of course. For many people, shyness—or its cousin, social anxiety—feels like anything but a luxury, and renders a host of situations challenging. What’s more, it feels less like egotism than a total subjugation of self. I’ll admit it: I still feel a clutch of panic before walking into a room of people, and I remember fondly hiding behind a book, finding a corner, hearing my mother tell people I was shy. But for some reason, the unequivocal harshness of that quote was what I needed. Okay, I thought, it's you or other people. No one is looking at you; to think they are is the worst form of solipsism. Taking the option away was what I needed.

    Because the problem is, when you are a grown-up—especially if you look halfway normal and have at least a few friends and aren’t visibly weeping or shaking—people don’t look at you sitting by yourself and think, She’s shy. They will, perhaps, attribute to you all the power you give them. In short, they will merely think you aloof. And this does not become less true as life goes on, even if yours is what Jane Austen termed “a mind which had seldom known a pause in its alarms or embarrassments.”

    “Everyone’s shy,” my dad used to tell me, when I didn’t want to go to a birthday party or meet dinner guests before going to bed. “We just don't give into it.” At the time I thought this was silly; after all, the world looked to be full of people going about the business of socializing with none of the agony I felt. It seemed like one of those myths about adulthood, like that you lose your taste for sweets.

    And now, as a grown-up, I find I don't much care for chocolate or ice cream, and I go places I don’t want to, and there is a strange power in that, too. I don’t want people to take that Keith quote to heart the way I did; I would hope you are kind to yourself. If you need ballast of that kind, look not for abuse but commiseration. Here is what Stevie Smith wrote:

    Into the dark night
    Resignedly I go,
    I am not so afraid of the dark night
    As the friends I do not know,
    I do not fear the night above
    As I fear the friends below.
    the formless thing which gives things form!
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  8. #18
    Senior Member Hitoshi-San's Avatar
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    As one of those "quiet extroverts" I can relate to this. I don't have self-confidence issues, and am actually pretty loud and insane around my friends, but with people I don't know all that well, you can expect me to listen to the conversation, add a few remarks of my own every now and then, and laugh and smile, but not dominate the conversation.

    I can be borderline antisocial. Like, if I see someone I know in public (outside of social events)I'll swerve and get the hell of there because I just wouldn't know what to do. I almost always get myself into awkward silences and don't know how to get out of them.

    My mom thought I was autistic because I was a super shy kid and was had nervous habits, like rocking back and forth, but controlled them alright. She was worried about me getting picked on but that never really happened. Bullies etc never were that interested in me.

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