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Fear of Eye contact

Azure Flame

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I for one, am a floor talker.

I have some ideas why I avoid eye contact, but I don't actually know why.

I'm scared of looking people in the eyes. I don't like it. The only people I make eye contact with are women I'm interested in, and in those situations I can't take my eyes off them.

Ideas?
 
W

WALMART

Guest
Hm. I don't do it, but it's not a fear. It just feels unnatural, like you're prying their soul out of their bodies.
 

Lexicon

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I can't hold sustained eye contact, just feels too unnatural/uncomfortable. I can do it when I need to. Like when I'm dealing with others who are attempting to intimidate me for some retarded reason. Most of the time, though, I'm staring at my shoes.
 

greenfairy

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I used to hate it. Some animals take it as a sign of attack, and that's how it felt to me- like someone was trying to be intimidating. I had to learn how to do it to where it felt natural. I still don't like staring at people though. Like the INTJ I'm seeing sometimes likes to look at me in an "attentive" or "romantic" way, or something, I can't figure it out; but I don't like it and just start laughing. I feel like what [MENTION=15886]jontherobot[/MENTION] said, like he's trying to look into my soul without my permission. I can look in people's eyes for a few seconds, because I like seeing into people's souls; it just can't get intense. I look in people's eyes while they're looking away.
 

chickpea

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my boyfriend complains that I avoid making eye contact with him but I really feel weird staring into someone's eyes for an extended period of time.
 

Fidelia

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Try observing other people doing it. I sometimes have this weird feeling that I am "bumping into" other people's eyes. After analyzing why I feel this way with some people and not with others, I've realized that in normal conversation, you establish initial eye contact when talking, then look away and keep checking back again at intervals to look for feedback or make sure that the other person is still engaged in the conversation. Meanwhile, the listener for the most part looks at you (but not in a staring way and with some slight breaks) to signal attentiveness. If there is proper give and take, the listening and talking switch back and forth. With the people that eye contact feels most strange, I've found it's that they don't ever break eye contact or they won't make any eye contact. Therefore, it becomes awkward because the constant presence of eye contact becomes invasive and distracting, or else the absence of it creates its own kind of noise in my mind as I'm attempting to carry on the conversation at the same time and am wondering why they won't make eye contact.

I don't like trying to talk to someone who will not make eye contact, as I cannot get the feedback I need to know whether they are interested, can hear me, want to engage in conversation or not, agree/disagree with what I'm saying and so on. If I am listening to them and they habitually will not look at me, I find it harder to follow the conversation, I have a harder time communicating non-verbally with them, and it generally is disconcerting because it's an anomaly from regular communication.

I think it's true that unless someone is very close to you, it is an uncomfortable feeling to have them gaze deep into your eyes, because they haven't been invited to do so, and it is a very personal thing (along the same lines as accepting touch). Even babies can communicate whether or not they want someone to touch them via whether or not they accept and engage with eye contact. I think it is understood though that as long as the other person isn't looking in your direction, it's fine for you to look at them and that as long as eye contact is brief, there is nothing impolite about connecting briefly in that way. (Think of how clerks signal that they are available to help in a store, or that it is time for the next person in line to step up to the counter, or how you may use eye contact for an initial greeting.)
 

Galena

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It just feels unnatural, like you're prying their soul out of their bodies.
Interesting. When I don't want to make eye contact, it feels like they are beaming their "soul" into me willingly, and I fear being overwhelmed by it. That is, when. I've gotten so much better at this over the years. At times when I don't want to, I'll look between their eyes instead. I wonder if anyone notices.

Tip, though: overdoing eye contact is as bad as not making it at all. There's a rhythm to making and breaking it.
 
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On the Observing of the Observer of the Observers

I wonder if a colossal squid would be too busy posting on Typology Central to compose his memoir, tentatively based on whether the contents of my fridge will be edible tmorrrow morning.
 

Mole

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I have a high response to stimulae, so I have a high response to eye contact. So I make cursory eye contact, then to signal I am interested in what they are saying, I look at their mouth. This seems to work quite well for me.

I do like eye contact but deep eye contact I reserve for my intimates.
 

Azure Flame

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hmm. so after some life changing epiphanies from other threads, I've realized I don't make eye contact because I'm scared of making connections with people.

I'm not scared of making connections with women I'm interested in.
 

Fidelia

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Well, that's a good thing - useful information. Have you decided what to do with it yet?
 

Daenera

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hmm. so after some life changing epiphanies from other threads, I've realized I don't make eye contact because I'm scared of making connections with people.

I'm not scared of making connections with women I'm interested in.

I read your other post about dating and instinctual variants and now this one, and I just wanna see if I got this right, it's just a wild guess: you fear eye contact with other people because you're afraid they'll recognize your sense of superiority and hate you or at least envy you for it so they might exclude you and you'll be left isolated, you don't fear eye contact with woman because they are not bothered by it, they may even find it attractive, but you didn't want to be superior in the first place, what you wanted was to belong somewhere, so to satisfy your need for connection you search for an equal someone who can meet your craving for intensity in life that can be overwhelming to others, because in the end you cannot stand lowering yourself to someone else's level because that feels like a self-betrayal, it goes against your nature, you feel that if you're to be liked you have to change, and I'm guessing at some point you might have tried to do things the way they were expected from you, but you only felt the disconnection deeper, you may have been accepted as such but felt alone among people. Did I manage to understand something or did I just project some aspects of myself lol:rolleyes:
 
I

Infinite Bubble

Guest
I was like that before. I was scared of negative judgement mostly. But I practiced and taught myself to be comfortable and make eye contact naturally. I do it without thinking now.

I've realized I don't make eye contact because I'm scared of making connections with people.

You might be exaggerating its importance too much. Most people will not think of making eye contact as anything significantly important in most situations. For example, if someone is talking to you, it's merely a signal that says you are paying attention and not being ignorant.
 
R

Riva

Guest
The eyes are nature's best indicator of interest to another. Interest and many other feelings.

The body speaks for you.

The subconscious knows this and since implying interest to another is culturally inappropriate and could lead one to trouble it tells the eyes to look away.

So the eyes look away.

So look away if you don't want him/her to know but hold it for a little bit longer if you want him/her to know.
 

Azure Flame

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I read your other post about dating and instinctual variants and now this one, and I just wanna see if I got this right, it's just a wild guess: you fear eye contact with other people because you're afraid they'll recognize your sense of superiority and hate you or at least envy you for it so they might exclude you and you'll be left isolated, you don't fear eye contact with woman because they are not bothered by it, they may even find it attractive, but you didn't want to be superior in the first place, what you wanted was to belong somewhere, so to satisfy your need for connection you search for an equal someone who can meet your craving for intensity in life that can be overwhelming to others, because in the end you cannot stand lowering yourself to someone else's level because that feels like a self-betrayal, it goes against your nature, you feel that if you're to be liked you have to change, and I'm guessing at some point you might have tried to do things the way they were expected from you, but you only felt the disconnection deeper, you may have been accepted as such but felt alone among people. Did I manage to understand something or did I just project some aspects of myself lol:rolleyes:

haha. the first 2/3rds were right. The last couple sentences weren't right.

I don't want people to know who I am inside, and hate me/envy me for it, I'd rather they remain neutral. I've made eye contact with people before, and they've immediately told me "You're a dick" or other strange reactions. I had an ENTJ go around and tell everyone I'm creepy. I don't know if eye contact was the culprit, but I've had tons of E3's go behind my back and slaughter my reputation in the office for reasons I'm still unsure of. All I know is when I first met them, I shook their hands, looked them deep in the eyes in a friendly manner, and they were never secretly never friends with me after that.

In my mind, most people are untrustworthy until proven otherwise, and a lot of people don't like knowing this. So I hide my eyes from them so they can't read me. I'd rather be in control of how people react to me.

I don't mind eye contact with women because, if I'm interested in them, there's nothing bad going on in my head, no hatred, no mistrust, just, attraction. So no woman has ever complained about such a thing. I've told girlfriends in the past that I hide my eyes because I come off as hostile, she told me "You never come off that way to me," I said, "that's because I like you."
 

Azure Flame

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I was like that before. I was scared of negative judgement mostly. But I practiced and taught myself to be comfortable and make eye contact naturally. I do it without thinking now.



You might be exaggerating its importance too much. Most people will not think of making eye contact as anything significantly important in most situations. For example, if someone is talking to you, it's merely a signal that says you are paying attention and not being ignorant.

Its not so much what others think of me so much as it is how I feel toward them. Dominating personalities use it to intimidate, manipulative personalities use it to hypnotise, etc. Not worth it. It has a powerful effect on me... and I have a powerful effect on them.
 

Daenera

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haha. the first 2/3rds were right. The last couple sentences weren't right
I was not sure if something of what I wrote will resonate with you, you didn't come off as easy to read, but don't get cocky I'm sure you're predictable as any other ESTP, it's just that I didn't have facial expressions to read, otherwise I'm sure you'd be an open book for me to read :cool:

I don't want people to know who I am inside, and hate me/envy me for it, I'd rather they remain neutral. I've made eye contact with people before, and they've immediately told me "You're a dick" or other strange reactions. I had an ENTJ go around and tell everyone I'm creepy. I don't know if eye contact was the culprit, but I've had tons of E3's go behind my back and slaughter my reputation in the office for reasons I'm still unsure of. All I know is when I first met them, I shook their hands, looked them deep in the eyes in a friendly manner, and they were never secretly never friends with me after that.

In my mind, most people are untrustworthy until proven otherwise, and a lot of people don't like knowing this. So I hide my eyes from them so they can't read me. I'd rather be in control of how people react to me.

Brace yourself, here comes a wild infj theory:
People usually can't bring themselves easily to be neutral, they prefer to categorize you as a friend or an enemy, not everyone has a taste for ambiguity and what annoys or scares them the most is the unfamiliar, they associate it with danger. I think they pick up on the fact that you don't trust them, so they perceive you as a possible danger so they act before you do, for me this explain why you have troubles with E3 related to work, they feel threatened where they locate their value. The question here would be why you see them as untrustworthy, and I'm assuming is the 8s fear of being hurt. So you find yourself in a situation where you don't want to hurt someone but you cannot ignore the feelings of doubt towards them and that's what leads you to look away. But the thing is looking away wont make you look less hostile. By hiding your eyes the person who looks at you becomes suspicious, he concludes you're hiding something and like I've mentioned people fear what they don't know the most, so he sees that you're a possible threat, but what that person also picks up on is that you do have power to hurt him but for some reason you don't and here that person actually starts believing that he has power over you, his reasoning is that you don't attack him because your afraid of him and that gives him the right to act against you.(people pick up on fear as animals do) I think the problem is not only that you find people untrustworthy, but because for some reason you haven't lived up to your potential yet. I have a wild explanation for this too, but I'm trying to explain my theory as short as I can. lol You've mentioned you'd like to be in control of how people react to you, but in reality the only reactions we can and should control is our own. By trying to control their reactions you're actually letting yourself be defined by someone else. No matter what you'll do in life someone will be bothered by it, and if they do it's their problem (of course this is so if you don't hurt them purposely with some of your actions). Yes, I know that you cannot ignore their behavior because if they are bothered by yours they're likely to act against you and do you harm, like you've mentioned the troubles you have with some E3, but here you can see what I meant when I said you should only be concerned about your own reactions: their behavior towards you can leave you disappointed in people and can lead you to close up to people who are worth you're attention, (and this makes them win) or you can see it as a lesson and use it as a motivation. What do I mean by that? Well, I think as an 8 you need to learn to open yourself up to pain, look at it this way: instead of running away from it, embrace it, look at it as building immunity towards pain. (in terms of motivation you can motivate yourself to be even more persistent in doing what you want to do and get the things you want:they say living well is the best revenge lol)
Allow yourself to trust someone before you get to know them. What's the worst thing that can happen? You can be hurt yes, but like I said you'll build up immunity against pain. Instead of being to self-aware in that kind of situations and thinking about the form of your behavior(how to shape it so you don't come off hostile), even if you don't trust someone convince yourself in that moment that you trust them and like Infinite Bubble said the form will come naturally, with time you wont even be aware of such things. I'll conclude my wild theory with a quote that sums up what I've been getting at:
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” I have more thoughts on the subject but I'm gonna stop here, I don't know how much I got right this time but felt like sharing my perspective on the matter anyway :D
 

Frosty

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I have a hard time doing this- especially if the person is new to me. I think I have fairly normal social skills... once I get going. Like. Im usually pretty in tune to whats going on, but it takes a while for me to get comfortable... and until then... eye contact is hard.

I do have- at some point in time diagnosed but then changed to just GAD- social anxiety disorder. So pretty much GAD with a fairly strong social component. But really- going beyond the diagnoses- im just a person who has anxiety when it comes to people. I have a lot of... hah. Complexes. That just make- the details of social interaction hard.

Im trying to work on it though. I know people- like if you think you are acting weird it makes it easier for other people to think you are weird. So... confidence is key.
 

Maou

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I have always considered it a "confidence" thing. My father taught me to always look people in the eye when speaking. When I do, I do feel a twing of excitement/danger etc. I ended up doing it naturally, and considered it a battle of wills to be the one to maintain contact the longest.
 
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