I have had this constant internal conflict throughout my whole adult life that told me to settle down and do the feminine thing and don't worry about having a big hot shot job, just cultivate the feminine motherly side of myself. I still wanted success, but like I said I guess I wanted it in my own way in time, but I look around and see all of these people who are outshining me with flashy jobs and having already graduated, which I am 29 and I have a year to go. I don't know what to think. Have I been living my life all wrong? Of course I would have graduated by now, if I put away my girly thoughts and had more time, considering I was in the Army and had a child. I am just beating myself up left and right now thinking maybe my priorities are all wrong. I remember learning about when I was 25 about the humanist theory and something along the lines of self-actualization and being happiest when you do what makes you happy, but maybe that theory has allowed me to throw my life away. I don't know. But mostly I just want to move on with my life and become successful, but I feel like I have wasted so much that maybe I don't even deserve to. Any thoughts on this?
I especially have this need to be desirable to the opposite sex, and I worry that this keeps me from that. Then what makes it worse, I think that's okay, everyone is different and has different talents. I see uneducated artist and other cool people, but being a talented lover or wife or mother doesn't stand out though, which is my specialty. I just worry no matter what I do to my appearance, I blend into the crowd and appear like a rusty loser. It doesn't help that these men I dedicated myself to emotionally, threw me in the trash, which pulled me down emotionally so bad, that that also slowed me from accomplishing my goals. I don't know. I worry that even if I graduated today, that somewhere this is on some shameful record that I forever failed, so why even try.