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Thread: Rant.

  1. #1
    Senior Member Sling's Avatar
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    Default Rant.

    This rather sucks. Im normally not one to complain, but maybe I can get some decent advice here.

    Around 4/5 years ago, I got pissed off with the school system, and decided to homeschool myself. Since then, my social life has crumbled, as have my ability to communicate effectively and instinctively. I get lonely, though it's nothing compared to how lonely I am when Im around people. People tell me to get involved with group activities, but it ends with dissatisfaction and anxiety at best, and resentful experiences at worst. In short, Im cut off, and I can't get reconnected. What the f*** do I do?

    To avoid generic redundant stock answers;
    I go to school and work
    I exercise regularly and eat right
    Im not involved with drugs/alcohol

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    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Read (good) books?

    Personally, I tend to enjoy thinking about/researching interesting people a lot more than I do than firsthand experiencing/interacting with them.

    (The above statement might not be entirely true, i.e. it may in fact be a defensive reaction I've erected out of existential despair.)

    Let's face it, people can be, and often are, disappointing.

    The internet is awesome for connecting with people from a distance. But then again, perhaps you crave real-life human connection which can only be achieved via physical proximity and through feelings of intimacy.

    Good luck with that, and hugs.
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  3. #3
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    What sort of groups are you trying to connect with?

    I think what I found was that I was pretty disappointed with people in my teens and early 20's. During those times I needed just a few people who understood me, to get me through it all, even though I wished I had had more relationships and social interaction. Basically I just was not strong enough to be overly involved in groups that I didn't perfectly align with, because it was hard to get past some of the logical inconsistencies of community.

    Later in my 20's I was stable enough and understand enough of who I was that I was less overwhelmed and threatened when the other people and groups didn't make sense to me, and I was actually able to better take them on their own terms and see things from their POV... which helped me integrate better and not judge them by the same rigorous standards I had been.

    But I think it's really hard to step outside of one's own perspective if one is still in the process of firming up their own identity and security.

    I think the homeschooling thing might have been convenient for you at one level but was ultimately bad for your social integration. I know what it feels like to be more lonely in a crowd than when alone; but the social aspects, if they can be improved, will make a world of difference.

    I would find some way to connect part of your schooling / daily routine back to interaction with people, even if part of you hates that. I would also work on establishing a few key friendships with people you feel comfortable enough to be "you" around. Once those are established, then worry about "big group" involvement... but some of this might be a process of time. You need to learn how to flex in your judgment of others; it's not that your judgment is inaccurate in some ways, it's just that there are many sets of criteria you could use to judge others, and the more lonely/isolated you feel, the harder it is to give others some flex, enough for you to feel comfortable anywhere at all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sling View Post
    This rather sucks. Im normally not one to complain, but maybe I can get some decent advice here.

    Around 4/5 years ago, I got pissed off with the school system, and decided to homeschool myself. Since then, my social life has crumbled, as have my ability to communicate effectively and instinctively. I get lonely, though it's nothing compared to how lonely I am when Im around people. People tell me to get involved with group activities, but it ends with dissatisfaction and anxiety at best, and resentful experiences at worst. In short, Im cut off, and I can't get reconnected. What the f*** do I do?

    To avoid generic redundant stock answers;
    I go to school and work
    I exercise regularly and eat right
    Im not involved with drugs/alcohol
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  4. #4
    Senior Member vince's Avatar
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    I also have tendencies to feel more lonely in crowds. I've dealt with social anxiety in the past and I have ultimately come to the conclusion that the issue at hand is not me but other people. /*yeah, that's what all psychopaths say
    The truth imho is 95% of all people seem either uncaring/detached, entirely uncapable of critical thinking, or shallow. Or a combination of the above. And I don't even blame anyone. Neither am I trying to justify myself. The thing is there is no connection whatsoever in meet ups at the mall, or at the disco, or at the monster truck stadium (to put in stereotypes). It's all an over-the-top setup in order not to go through it alone. Connecting is really about exchanging ideas & sentiments in my book and I have only found that in art or smaller groups.

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    Senior Member Eileen's Avatar
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    Introversion can be a real pain. I wouldn't give it up (I like who I am), but I think I'm lonelier for it sometimes. Do you have any close friends at all? I find that I am happiest and most comfortable in group situations when I have a close friend around (sometimes preferably an extravert).
    INFJ

    "I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

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    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sling View Post
    This rather sucks. Im normally not one to complain, but maybe I can get some decent advice here.

    Around 4/5 years ago, I got pissed off with the school system, and decided to homeschool myself. Since then, my social life has crumbled, as have my ability to communicate effectively and instinctively. I get lonely, though it's nothing compared to how lonely I am when Im around people. People tell me to get involved with group activities, but it ends with dissatisfaction and anxiety at best, and resentful experiences at worst. In short, Im cut off, and I can't get reconnected. What the f*** do I do?

    To avoid generic redundant stock answers;
    I go to school and work
    I exercise regularly and eat right
    Im not involved with drugs/alcohol
    I think the first thing to realize is that it may not be your distance from school that is causing your loneliness. Lots of people IN SCHOOL are still lonely and still socially awkward as ever. I was, for about 4 years. Then for 3 years in grad school, too. Heh.

    Second, if you want to get better at socializing, you need to do 4 things:
    1. Create opportunities for you to socialize that you can realistically participate it. A super-shy introvert probably shouldn't hang out at a big bar full of vacant, shallow college students. A better location would be a cafe, a tea shop (with a book, so you look semi-approachable and in-place), or, like you said, a group or club. Maybe you can find a neat nook that you can start frequenting regularly. You'll eventually feel a sense of ownership and in-grouping, and socializing will stop feeling like a burden or a TASK that you HAVE to accomplish.

    2. Low expectations. Don't make your goal to make a friend or to better yourself or get over something you dislike about yourself. Just give yourself room to be kind. Smile occasionally and aim for short conversations at first. Be pleasant. If you have something funny or interesting to say, say it. If people don't respond "right," then no big deal. It happens to everyone because some people, like you, are shy and get caught off guard sometimes. No worries.

    3. Tolerance for some discomfort. You're putting yourself out there and risking rejection, especially at the beginning. As you make progress and see that you can rely on yourself to socialize (decently, and not necessarily with expertise) the risk will become smaller and easier to accept. Until then, though, you ARE taking a risk and discomfort is a natural thing to feel. It's a good sign, because it means that you're actually challenging yourself in the right areas. Work with it little by little. Push yourself a little bit each time. If you find a good environment (1) and keep your plan and expectations in line with your skillz (2), the discomfort you feel will be minimal.

    4. Clear mind. If your mind is filled with "negative" thoughts about how much you suck at socializing, and how you need to overcome something, you're going to make it harder on yourself. Do your best to accept where you already are and make improvements. Be patient with your progress. It's doable, and the better you can be patient with results and kind to yourself, the more room you'll have to socialize naturally and maybe even (gasp) enjoy it. Again, you don't have to totally clear your mind of anxiety -- some discomfort is good. If it's totally overwhelming, then I'd suggest looking at the whole ordeal as something humorous, maybe by seeing how insanely hard you're mind is fighting itself. Maybe add some really over-the-top medieval imagery. Whatever works. Maybe your sense of humor isn't as good as mine. *ahem* LOL Do your best to be easy-going.

  7. #7
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post
    Personally, I tend to enjoy thinking about/researching interesting people a lot more than I do than firsthand experiencing/interacting with them.
    Ahem.

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    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatsWhatHeSaid View Post
    I don't know what you're talking about.

    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

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    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    omg i love you

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