Social isolation as a coping mechanism

[JAVO]

Does anyone deal with extreme stress or grief by isolating themselves completely, as in not talking about the stress or grief with anyone, even close friends and family?

Most of our extravert-oriented society in the US thinks that voluntary social isolation is always a bad thing and not a good way to deal with things. I'm sure that's true for many people. And, if you read articles on dealing with death and depression, you'll find plenty of supposedly science-based research saying that isolation is a bad thing.

I've done this before myself, but only because there was either no one to talk with or because I knew no one would even begin to understand. But, I always felt better when I could talk with someone when having extreme sadness, grief, and stress. Sometimes I would say I was fine and wanted to be alone and not talk, but really I wanted someone to care enough to break through the shell of my isolation.

I encountered an introvert friend who wanted to be alone, as in completely alone when dealing with grief. I was very concerned and felt that I had to risk the friendship by refusing to accept this, so I "confronted" the friend about the isolation issue. The friend was very appreciative, but stated that they really do prefer to be isolated, and that it works best for them. I have to accept this statement at face value, but I'm having difficulty understanding how being so isolated could be a good thing. I'm still really concerned, and I hope a few would be willing to share their perspective on isolation and how it works for them in extreme grief or stress.

 

[Such Irony]

Does anyone deal with extreme stress or grief by isolating themselves completely, as in not talking about the stress or grief with anyone, even close friends and family?

No. In spite of being an introvert, I don't do well holding in extreme stress. I need to have someone to talk to about it and will seek out someone. Usually this is family or close friends. If I feel for whatever reason that they wouldn't be able to understand or be supportive, then I go to online forums like this one.

 

[Ene]

Does anyone deal with extreme stress or grief by isolating themselves completely, as in not talking about the stress or grief with anyone, even close friends and family?

Yes. Absolutely. That is how I initially have to work through anything.

Most of our extravert-oriented society in the US thinks that voluntary social isolation is always a bad thing and not a good way to deal with things. I'm sure that's true for many people. And, if you read articles on dealing with death and depression, you'll find plenty of supposedly science-based research saying that isolation is a bad thing.

I don't permanently isolate myself, only until I've worked through things, come to grips with them. I can't talk about deep feelings with people. I can talk about theoretical stuff and universal truth but what's going on inside me, is a whole other story. The only way I can work through it is to shut out all of the noise and opinions and business. The only way I can determine how I feel or what I need to feel, what I think, is to isolate myself from what everyone else feels and thinks.

I've done this before myself, but only because there was either no one to talk with or because I knew no one would even begin to understand. But, I always felt better when I could talk with someone when having extreme sadness, grief, and stress. Sometimes I would say I was fine and wanted to be alone and not talk, but really I wanted someone to care enough to break through the shell of my isolation.

I do understand that and I appreciate people caring, but I need the distance, initially.

I encountered an introvert friend who wanted to be alone, as in completely alone when dealing with grief. I was very concerned and felt that I had to risk the friendship by refusing to accept this, so I "confronted" the friend about the isolation issue. The friend was very appreciative, but stated that they really do prefer to be isolated, and that it works best for them. I have to accept this statement at face value, but I'm having difficulty understanding how being so isolated could be a good thing. I'm still really concerned, and I hope a few would be willing to share their perspective on isolation and how it works for them in extreme grief or stress.

Hopefully, I did offer some help. I completely identify with your friend. I have been known to go into hiding before, just so I could sort out my thoughts and determine what my feelings were. For example, when my brother died, I couldnt' even write about my feelings much less share them with another human being. The greatest thing anyone did for me during that time was when this guy that I was going to school with saw me sitting alone on the steps and he walked over and took my hand in his. He never said one word to me, but he just sat there, holding my hand in complete silence. I didn't express any kind of emotion at all to him and he didn't demand any. It was the most understanding thing anyone has ever done for me.

When I cry, I do so alone and if I am cornered by others, I may actually lash out. It's just that some of us have to shut out everybody else to keep in touch with who we are and to make sense of the change that grief often brings in our lives. I hope that makes sense. And I also think you are a terrific person for wanting to help your friend, so maybe just an "I'm here for ya, buddy."

 

[/DG/]

I have almost always dealt with things alone, but it's not because I want to, it's because I have no one I would want to talk to. I tend to go to the Internet when I want to vent like @SuchIrony, but usually I don't end up saying anything then either.

 

[RaptorWizard]

I believe in confrontation rather than isolation.

The strong are meant to challenge. The weak are meant to submit.

This is the way of the Closed Fist - all things pass through the refiner's fire.

 

[KDude]

I prefer solitude even if I'm "happy".

 

[Ene]

There is a time for confrontation. There is a time for solitude.

Sometimes that which looks weakest is really strongest and that which looks like submission is really triumph.

Fists only batter. Open palms kill. Stealth is not weakness.

The refiner's fire can burn anywhere, in plain sight or in a secret cavern. Just because it isn't on display for the whole world to see, doesn't mean it's not doing it's job.

Just some things to consider.

Now, I must return to Jedi school. Master Yoda is calling me.

 

[Tyrinth]

Regarding the original post: yes.

People often tend to make things worse, in my opinion, so I withdraw when stressed. That, and the fact than when under intense stress I tend to become a bit... darker, so it's probably better for everyone's well being if I'm alone for a while.

Sometimes, some time alone is the best thing for you.

 

[RaptorWizard]

There is a time for confrontation. There is a time for solitude.

Ya, I guess that's true, we need to gather our strength and prepare for the coming storm if we are to survive.

Sometimes that which looks weakest is really strongest and that which looks like submission is really triumph.

Hm, if we keep our resolve inside, rather than letting it rage outwardly, maybe that does indeed lead to more controlled results.

Fists only batter. Open palms kill. Stealth is not weakness.

Well, it is an easier path, but maybe it is wiser to observe first and then take action.

The refiner's fire can burn anywhere, in plain sight or in a secret cavern. Just because it isn't on display for the whole world to see, doesn't mean it's not doing it's job.

Maybe then the fire needs to be given a proper focus, a balance like in a shining star.

Just some things to consider.

That's what I was doing all along. My outrageous claims aren't in all seriousness. It's more like a crazy brainstorming process.

Now, I must return to Jedi school. Master Yoda is calling me.

I must unlearn what I have learned and learn control!

 

[Ene]

RW,

That's what I was doing all along. My outrageous claims aren't in all seriousness. It's more like a crazy brainstorming process.

You know after reading so many of your posts, I should have gotten that! by now! Also, I like you. I think you're a very intelligent and that your crazy brainstorming process is a wonderfully unique gift. Anyway, when I like someone, I have an overwhelming urge to "mess" with them. I don't know why I do that!

Ya, I guess that's true, we need to gather our strength and prepare for the coming storm if we are to survive.

Yes, very insightful!

Hm, if we keep our resolve inside, rather than letting it rage outwardly, maybe that does indeed lead to more controlled results.

Yes, yes. I completely agree.

Well, it is an easier path, but maybe it is wiser to observe first and then take action.

Very true, like a cougar stalking its prey.

Maybe then the fire needs to be given a proper focus, a balance like in a shining star.

I like that!

I must unlearn what I have learned and learn control!

I think we attend the same school. I have been beaten by a short green alien with a stick oh so many times.

 

[JAVO]

Many interesting and helpful perspectives here, thanks!

I don't permanently isolate myself, only until I've worked through things, come to grips with them. I can't talk about deep feelings with people. I can talk about theoretical stuff and universal truth but what's going on inside me, is a whole other story. The only way I can work through it is to shut out all of the noise and opinions and business. The only way I can determine how I feel or what I need to feel, what I think, is to isolate myself from what everyone else feels and thinks.

Your feedback and insight on this is especially helpful because this is exactly the friend's perspective.

Hopefully, I did offer some help. I completely identify with your friend. I have been known to go into hiding before, just so I could sort out my thoughts and determine what my feelings were. For example, when my brother died, I couldnt' even write about my feelings much less share them with another human being. The greatest thing anyone did for me during that time was when this guy that I was going to school with saw me sitting alone on the steps and he walked over and took my hand in his. He never said one word to me, but he just sat there, holding my hand in complete silence. I didn't express any kind of emotion at all to him and he didn't demand any. It was the most understanding thing anyone has ever done for me.

This is really nice. I would like to just sit next to the friend and be with them for a few moments in silent understanding, but even that isn't possible, adding to my sadness and frustration with not being able to do anything, even though all I can do is very little anyway. I'm pretty much limited to texting, which drives me crazy anyway because I'm so focused on body language and nonverbal communication.

When I cry, I do so alone and if I am cornered by others, I may actually lash out. It's just that some of us have to shut out everybody else to keep in touch with who we are and to make sense of the change that grief often brings in our lives. I hope that makes sense. And I also think you are a terrific person for wanting to help your friend, so maybe just an "I'm here for ya, buddy."

The friend did mention being angry too. I'd actually like to be lashed out at, and even more, because it seems like the ultimate in empathy, and I'd feel like I was taking some of burden of the strong emotions from my friend. Thank you.

People often tend to make things worse, in my opinion, so I withdraw when stressed. That, and the fact than when under intense stress I tend to become a bit... darker, so it's probably better for everyone's well being if I'm alone for a while.

I'm not afraid or repulsed by seeing someone's darker side. I'd expect it in this situation. I understand though that most people aren't comfortable with revealing their darkest emotions. Maybe in some ways, that's the deepest level of emotional intimacy?

 

[garbage]

We all need a good amount of isolated processing time, so long as it's also tempered with a 'reality check' from the outside world (trusted people, observation, etc.)

 

[JAVO]

If you cope by isolating yourself, how do attempts to communicate with you affect you? Do you just let emails, texts, and voice mail pile up ignored without it phasing you, are you annoyed/stressed, or do you appreciate the attempts to keep in touch? This is of course assuming that the contact is positive in nature, rather than an annoying friend who freaks out every time you "disappear," or a relative who tells you what you "should" be doing.

 

[cafe]

When I am in a place where I need isolation to deal with stress I have mixed feelings about others attempting to communicate. Mostly I feel mild repulsion from being contacted when I'm not ready to cope with it (sort of like you'd expect a snail to react to touch if it had lost its shell) and guilt and distress for not responding.

 

[Abbey]

Definitely, like Tyrinth said: people tend to only make things worse.
There's no winning: either they will pretend to understand/care or tell me why I'm wrong. Both of which I hate, I'd prefer to be alone with my feelings and get things sorted out in my head so all of my bones can heal in the correct shape/place.

 

[Ene]

If you cope by isolating yourself, how do attempts to communicate with you affect you? Do you just let emails, texts, and voice mail pile up ignored without it phasing you, are you annoyed/stressed, or do you appreciate the attempts to keep in touch? This is of course assuming that the contact is positive in nature, rather than an annoying friend who freaks out every time you "disappear," or a relative who tells you what you "should" be doing.

Hey, Javo, it completely depends on the seriousness of the situation.

 

[Title]

When I'm stressed, I have to isolate myself or I feel even worse. Sometimes even a couple of hours of no interruptions, just me and a book or me and my iPod make an incredible difference.

 

[JAVO]

Hey, Javo, it completely depends on the seriousness of the situation.

For discussion, let's say that it's very serious, as in an immediate family member being very sick with a limited time remaining.

And, the isolation is long-term, maybe a few weeks to several months.

 

[Bamboo]

When I am in a place where I need isolation to deal with stress I have mixed feelings about others attempting to communicate. Mostly I feel mild repulsion from being contacted when I'm not ready to cope with it (sort of like you'd expect a snail to react to touch if it had lost its shell) and guilt and distress for not responding.

Basically what I do too.

I don't know why I don't want to reinitiate, either, I just don't. If it was a close friend who I had a comfortable dialogue on shitty things in my life open I'd probably be better about talking back, if only to say "this sucks, but hey", but if it's someone I don't have that dialogue with, I rather make no appearance than a negative appearance.

I've engaged in essentially no real life social activity for 3 months now. Even online, I don't really talk with people on a personal chatty level that often, but I'm alright with just talking about stuff.

 

[King sns]

I think isolation can be healthy for me actually.. I think I take too much of what other people say to heart and lots of stimulation can be really distracting from the matter that I need to process. I've found it unhealthy for me to try to drag myself out of isolation too forcefully or prematurely, it causes me to become irrational, scattered, and anxious. But then again it depends on how long we're talking. There is a point in a depression when the best move is to try to integrate myself back into society even if it's at a distance, (leave the house to go to a coffee shop or the dog park or something, some indirect interaction and outer stimulation.) Sometimes my brain just wants me to sit in the dark alone for a period of time, and i've come to terms with that despite the stigma.