User Tag List

First 12

Results 11 to 18 of 18

  1. #11
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    MBTI
    HUMR
    Enneagram
    6 sx
    Socionics
    iNfp Ni
    Posts
    1,521

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Isis View Post
    Abandonement is a BPD sufferers biggest fear.
    Anyone have experience with this and can share?
    Thanks
    Alot of people would say that confronting ones fears is the best way to overcome them. As an enneagram 6, I certainly relate to fear of abandonment. I wonder if those suffering from BPD could actually transcend it by being alone... if this may aid in developing a stronger sense of identity? Just a random thought, I'm not sure if there is much substance to it. But before you get into ways to overcome the disorder, I'd definately consider how serious your friend is about being "saved". I think a common theme with BPD is that they can come across as wanting help, but their ideas on going about this are often different from what might actually help them. It seems to get a bit tricky. Good Luck!
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

  2. #12
    Member Isis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7 sx/so
    Posts
    94

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Huxley3112 View Post
    Alot of people would say that confronting ones fears is the best way to overcome them. As an enneagram 6, I certainly relate to fear of abandonment. I wonder if those suffering from BPD could actually transcend it by being alone... if this may aid in developing a stronger sense of identity? Just a random thought, I'm not sure if there is much substance to it. But before you get into ways to overcome the disorder, I'd definately consider how serious your friend is about being "saved". I think a common theme with BPD is that they can come across as wanting help, but their ideas on going about this are often different from what might actually help them. It seems to get a bit tricky. Good Luck!
    thank you. Obviously- we are lay people having this discussion- but I'm not sure if being alone in and of itself can help towards healing per se because I think the way those with BPD push people away, they are in fact alone a lot. I would think that perhaps them forcing themselves to get close to people would help them heal more. I think they have such an intense fear of getting close to people because ultimately they believe everyone is going to leave. I think experiencing closeness where people don't leave AND where they do leave is important because in life- let's face it- we all have had people stick by our side and have others bail on us. What makes them any different?

  3. #13
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,939

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Isis View Post
    thank you. Obviously- we are lay people having this discussion- but I'm not sure if being alone in and of itself can help towards healing per se because I think the way those with BPD push people away, they are in fact alone a lot. I would think that perhaps them forcing themselves to get close to people would help them heal more. I think they have such an intense fear of getting close to people because ultimately they believe everyone is going to leave. I think experiencing closeness where people don't leave AND where they do leave is important because in life- let's face it- we all have had people stick by our side and have others bail on us. What makes them any different?
    From my understanding, people with BPD need to find a way to regulate an extreme emotional sensitivity. Otherwise it's push-pull to an extreme/crazy extent. I believe there's a book about BPD called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and that's what it's like. I wondered if the girl I dealt with had BPD partly because she obviously had an extreme fear of abandonment but the way she behaved ultimately just made you want to get away from her. She would literally do something like, because I wasn't paying her enough attention (ie. exclusive, undivided, 110% attention), say something totally hateful and grab hold of me, and then when I pushed her off, told her to leave me alone and walked away, she would run after me screaming "DON'T REJECT ME." Trying to say goodbye and hang up the phone, gently (or otherwise, when I realised that gently didn't work) was "rejection". Effectively, it was obvious that she preferred any kind of attention to no attention, and would do anything to get it - so even if I was yelling at her because her nasty behaviour had made me so angry (which didn't happen often, but it happened a few times), that was a lot better than nothing.

    Apparently there are also issues with emptiness/lack of identity which can make a BPD sufferer feel as though they're dying/ceasing to exist if the person or people they're fixated on leave - and "leaving" might not even be something drastic like ending the friendship or relationship; it could be saying goodbye and going your separate ways after you've had a coffee.

    It just seems like an awful disorder all around. It is awful to have to deal with if you are trying to help them/be there for them, if they have not gotten to a place where they can regulate their emotions, and it is clearly hell inside their heads. And in the more extreme cases they are definitely at high risk for self-harming or suicide. Which is why, if you feel your friend is suffering from this or something similar, it is very wise to at least start by speaking to close family or friends, and maybe encouraging them to seek help.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  4. #14
    garbage
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    To be honest I think it was a little easier for me to be forthright with my former friend because I never viewed her as an equal. In fact, one mistake I think I made was that I treated her a little too much as an equal though I didn't view her as one, because she took that as carte blanche to behave horribly. But she made it impossible to view her as an equal, not really because she's much younger (I have friends in different age groups, after all) but because she acted like she wanted to be a dependent and like she had an emotional age of no more than ten.
    Man. Yeah.

    I had to cut off a particular person. When I changed my perspective on our 'roles' and viewed us as 'unequal,' it was a lot easier to do because the imbalance was staring me in the face. In that light, we weren't 'friends' so much as we were 'sponsor/sponsee.'

  5. #15
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,939

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by bologna View Post
    Man. Yeah.

    I had to cut off a particular person. When I changed my perspective on our 'roles' and viewed us as 'unequal,' it was a lot easier to do because the imbalance was staring me in the face. In that light, we weren't 'friends' so much as we were 'sponsor/sponsee.'
    Yeah, that sounds about right. In my case, at best I was a "mentor" for this girl. When I tried to treat her as an equal and a friend - at the outset, I thought that might be a good idea to help her mature a bit - it always backfired big time in one way or another. I think I realised I needed to cut her off when I became aware that basically what I was doing was the work of a social worker and a psychologist - without me being properly qualified, and without getting paid for it. I also used to feel bad for her, the obvious pain she was going through, but when I reached the stage when I just felt angry and nauseous when I had to deal with her, it was well time to go.

    I'd like to think I helped her mature a bit but it really might have been a waste of time in that respect. But it was a good learning experience for me with what I can and can't handle, and with having much stronger boundaries. Of course I still kind of hope that somehow she can get to a place where she isn't miserable and making the people around her miserable, though I no longer want to be involved in any way.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  6. #16
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,939

    Default

    Out of interest, this is from a review of "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me", and it sounds almost exactly like my interactions with the abovementioned girl, so much of the time. Although I was NOT in a "relationship" with her - but I suspect she thought I was! (while also treating me like the mom/role model/etc.)

    "But, gradually, a tone of jealously addictive clinging emerges, as you feel this person starting to seek your constant attention and reassurance. "Do I look good enough?" they ask. "Am I smart enough?" You feel pressured to play an increasingly central emotional role in this person's life, as they seem engaged in a desperate attempt to fill a hole in themselves - a lack of self-esteem - with your approval. You sense a constant need to prove yourself, as you are subjected to silly emotional tests and games designed to confirm your continued validation. Yet, oddly, when you do praise them, they brush it suspiciously or distrustfully aside, refusing to accept their good qualities, explaining them away. They may describe feeling that they are "faking it", worrying that they will be "found out" as a fraud, and even extending into self-hate. They may even start to become controlling, trying to keep you from seeing other friends."
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  7. #17
    Vaguely Precise Seymour's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/so
    Posts
    1,565

    Default

    My ex-fiancée (from 20 years ago) definitely had borderline personality disorder. I think maintaining a relationship with someone with BPD takes an real commitment to maintaining boundaries, being consistent and tolerating outbursts. There are some helpful books like Stop Walking on Eggshells that I wish I had had at the time.

    People with BPD are absolutely worthy of compassion and relationships, but you'll have to make the call whether you have the time, energy and discipline to invest in the relationship. The relationship drama can be pretty intense, and staying vigilant about boundaries gets tiring over time.

    Thankfully, there are some newer therapies that make BPD more treatable today than it was in the past.

  8. #18
    Member Isis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7 sx/so
    Posts
    94

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    To be honest I think it was a little easier for me to be forthright with my former friend because I never viewed her as an equal. In fact, one mistake I think I made was that I treated her a little too much as an equal though I didn't view her as one, because she took that as carte blanche to behave horribly. But she made it impossible to view her as an equal, not really because she's much younger (I have friends in different age groups, after all) but because she acted like she wanted to be a dependent and like she had an emotional age of no more than ten.

    I think it would have been harder to be tough/forthright if she was my age and someone I respected more, for instance. I didn't say to her at any point that I thought she might have BPD but I did tell her (quite gently at that point) that I thought she was depressed and it would be wise to see a doctor. And she did eventually get some therapy at least, because of that - although she later admitted that she'd lied about some stuff to the therapist, and that she'd lied to me about lying to the therapist. Hey ho. SO glad I'm out of that situation.

    Do you think your friend has some inkling that he behaves unstably? Does he have friends or family, close ones, who you could talk to about your concerns?
    I do see the BPD symptoms in your friend and it seems she also has depression or anxiety or something in addition. You so did the right thing- and you are so empathetic- I commend you.

    I believe he has an inkling that he struggles with emotions and relationships. But I have heard him place blame elsewhere and well- there are two sides to every story. I would be curious to hear the other stories of people in his life.

    I do think it needs to be addressed. I guess I need to contemplate how best to do that. If anything- I would love just for him to consider that it is a possibility that he has BPD- and that he should get it checked out. And next best scenario is he being completely honest with the professionals so they can do a fair assessment and treatment option and also not feel badly at all about this- because it is not his fault. I know causes can be genetic .... trauma during critical development stages or combination of both. But I cannot imagine what it would be like to not have a critical attachment period in my very very young life not to have been met properly and what that would do to my psyche. I seriously feel for people who suffer with this- it is heavy stuff to carry around.

    Thanks so much again for your feedback and sharing your experience with it!

Similar Threads

  1. Why Darth Vader doesn't have borderline personality disorder
    By Olm the Water King in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: 10-22-2015, 02:30 PM
  2. Borderline personality disorder
    By Fay in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 06-25-2015, 05:47 AM
  3. Borderline Personality Disorder
    By AzulEyes in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 107
    Last Post: 09-11-2014, 07:36 PM
  4. Borderline Personality Disorder
    By Antimony in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 99
    Last Post: 12-06-2011, 06:00 PM
  5. Do you think this girl has borderline personality disorder?
    By SilkRoad in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 03-25-2011, 03:28 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO