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Changing yourself

ygolo

My termites win
Joined
Aug 6, 2007
Messages
5,988
Have any of you made significant changes to yourself?

If so:
  • What were the changes?
  • Do you believe these changes to be superficial or deep?
  • Why did you change?
  • How did you do it?
  • How difficult was this process?
  • What were the benefits?
  • What did you lose?
  • On the whole did you believe these changes were for better or worse?
 

yenom

Alexander the Terrible
Joined
Aug 3, 2008
Messages
1,755
the major change is risk, to overcome fear and doubt and do what i want to do.
It was difficult and require self mastery.
 

kyuuei

Emperor/Dictator
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
13,964
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
8
A potentially heavy, detailed topic. I'll revisit it when I have more time. (Generally just posting so that I can easily find this thread again later ;) )
 

acronach

New member
Joined
May 30, 2012
Messages
304
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
YESSSSSSSS

What were the changes?
-i'm more outgoing
-i'm not afraid to talk to random people i don't know
-whenever someone asks me to try something, 99% of the time i'll say yes (unless it's drugs or something)
-i'm more in-tune with my emotions, i've been working on reading what i'm feeling more and not ignoring it

Do you believe these changes to be superficial or deep?
very deep, it's kinda like i'm reprogramming myself 0.0 I like the changes though, and I DO NOT want to go back to before this

Why did you change?
I got really into the enneagram actually. I looked at the negative aspects of my type, started noticing them in my life, and I wanted to change them, so I just started taking Riso and Hudson's advice and noticing when I do it with an unbiased eye. Over time, the parts of my personality that I didn't want just kinda got shaved away. I will say though that I feel kinda busy/overwhelmed sometimes trying to balance out my social life with having enough time alone, but it's worth it.

it's actually kinda funny because most enneagram tests type me as 7 now XD

How did you do it?
deep introspection. a lot of time hanging out in a silent woodsy area with a pond just by myself, just thinking/walking/running/and occasionally reading enneagram stuffz. It was mostly an inner process but the outer calm helped it along a lot I think.

How difficult was this process?
not overly difficult, but it doesn't happen overnight. if you want it enough, it will come.

What were the benefits?
i'm a lot more social, and i have a lot less social anxiety. I know i still act like a major intp 5 sometimes, but for the most part when there's people I can talk to i'll try to talk to them, and i can carry a conversation a lot better. on top of that, i feel like everyone knows me, but its kinda funny cuz im horrible with names XD

something else, i'm a major optimist now. I have fun with life, and I know most people don't, but i'm happy that at least I do.

What did you lose?
uhhh... my compulsive isolation? i guess? it didn't really feel like I lost anything significant.

On the whole did you believe these changes were for better or worse?
omg yes, i love myself XD for the better
 

Pseudo

New member
Joined
Jul 2, 2012
Messages
2,051
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
[*]What were the changes?
The two that come to mind are becoming a pescetarian and getting out of a unhealthy relationship.
[*]Do you believe these changes to be superficial or deep?
I think they were very deep. The breakup was really a realization that I shouldn't be afraid or ashamed to be myself. And that I wasn't obligated to try to fix someone who wanted to stay angry and take their anger out on me. The pescetarianism seems more superficial but it was part of a group changes I made after my break up. Things I had always wanted to do that my former partner had thought were stupid. I feel much better than I did before and it adds a sense of discipline to my life. I think restricting myself in that way lets me know that I have a certain amount of control over myself.
[*]Why did you change? Eventually I realized that I didn't recognize myself anymore. Everything I like had been stripped away and despite that I was still being told I was selfish and worthless. As for the diet part, It was a combination of feeling sluggish and falling back on fast foods. You have to think a head a bit more if your not eating meat and put more thought into your nutrition. Also I like the idea that I've reduced my global footprint in a small way and I'm not contributing to the poor treatment of animals. (I'm not against meat being eaten ever but I think animal conditions should be better both for the sake of being humane and being sanitary/nutritious).
[*]How did you do it? I was like a five month process of a break up. bleeeagrh. Where I would say I was leaving and he would convince me that I was his only source of support or that his little brothers would be heartbroken....and then go right back to the same thing. Eventually I brought all the stuff I had of his to his house and just made it clear. Even thought it was obviously overdue it was really hard to do. As for the meat it wasn't bad at all. I had a couple of cheats initially but after awhile meat just started to turn me off. I used imitation products at first but now I don't eat much of those. (Except black bean burgers and Quorn nuggets. mmmmmmmmm. so goood!)
[*]How difficult was this process? The breakup was really difficult. Ending a 3 year relationship with the person who had ben my first love and who I thought I would always be with. And in such an ugly way. I went through a whole phase f being depressed a guilty. And now sometimes when I wonder if that was the only thing like that I'll ever experience. Diet though was easy and fun. Got to find a lot of new recepies.
[*]What were the benefits? Not being belittled and controlled. Food wise.....how should I put this.....the digestive process is much smoother. I have more energy. I feel lighter and more healthy. It easy to avoid fast food because most of it is meat.
[*]What did you lose? I lost someone who at for a long time was my closest friend and confidant. I lost my image of him. I lost his family who I was close to. I lost quite a few friends who I met through him. I lost a lot of the little good times we had together and our in jokes. And I lost that person to share closeness with (emotional and physical).

I lost a couple of pounds and sadly barbecued pork.

[*]On the whole did you believe these changes were for better or worse?

For the better definitely. I'm a lean, green Pseudo Machine!!! :biggrin::yay::yes:
 

highlander

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 23, 2009
Messages
26,562
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
What were the changes?

Developing better interpersonal skills.

Do you believe these changes to be superficial or deep?

Deep.

Why did you change?

To be more successful in my life.

How did you do it?

Read books. Sought advice from others. Sought to understand other people better. MBTI is an example.

How difficult was this process?

Pretty difficult.

What were the benefits?

Better relationships and more career/financial success.

What did you lose?

Some level of individuality.

On the whole did you believe these changes were for better or worse?

Better for sure.
 
T

The Iron Giant

Guest
Have any of you made significant changes to yourself?

Yeah.

  • What were the changes?

I was very self-centered and closed off emotionally. I learned how to connect emotionally with the people who matter in my life and feel empathy with people whose experiences are different from mine.

  • Do you believe these changes to be superficial or deep?

I hope they're as deep as they seem. Time will tell. Some of them will be tested in the future, but I am prepared.

  • Why did you change?

I had a marriage that fell apart. I was pretty depressed after it happened, thinking I had no future except as a single father raising a small child alone. I was not taking care of myself very well. Over time I reflected on the marriage and the relationship that followed it. I recognized that something was wrong with me and I needed to work on it.

  • How did you do it?

That last ex told me something typology related (which turned out to be incorrect) during the breakup, so I thought I would start there. I did a search online to better understand enneagram type dynamics in a relationship and PersonalityCafe came up. I joined and started posting and learning more about type. I knew about the enneagram stuff, but MBTI was new to me. The more I read about my type test results, the angrier I felt. I was determined to not be the perfect fit for the ISTJ stereotype, so I went down the list and tried to dispute each item, but I eventually realized, to my embarrassment, that they really did fit me. So I changed, becoming less insensitive, more personable, and more flexible and patient. Most importantly, I learned to really listen and empathize.

  • How difficult was this process?

This is an ongoing process... I think I will always be working on it by being mindful. It's really, REALLY hard sometimes. Patience has been the most difficult part, it's like sometimes I want to jump out of my skin. It's like a voice is shouting NOW in my head every time I have to wait for something, and I have to tell it to shut up. I also inadvertently learned another lesson in the process of all this that was very hard... that I'm only part of any relationship I'm in, and no matter how much work I do on myself, that is not a guarantee that I won't make mistakes or that things will work out. That was one of those things that I thought I already knew, but I didn't.

  • What were the benefits?

They're all over my life. I'm more confident, more relaxed, more comfortable in my own skin, more self aware, and much more in tune with my own emotions and those of others. I rarely feel confused about how I feel about things now, and when I feel something strongly I don't hide or repress it.

Now, I can be a great partner for [MENTION=15967]Kayness[/MENTION], and I'm proud that she is mine. I feel very good about our future together. People seem to be more comfortable around me. Being open to others and listening has meant I've learned a lot from them. For example, I have insight I gained from Kay about her experiences when she was a little girl that I've been able to apply to parenting my own child. This has had immediate dramatic positive effects on my daughter. I've also gained a ton of insight into my ex-wife, who I feel I understand better now than I did at any point during our marriage. I even understand why the marriage fell apart, and what each of us did wrong. This will help me do my part to prevent such things in the future.

  • What did you lose?

Nothing worth keeping.

  • On the whole did you believe these changes were for better or worse?

For better. When I think about the person I was before, I cringe.
 

Mole

Permabanned
Joined
Mar 20, 2008
Messages
20,284
The Bhagwan

I read the books of Bhagwan Shree Ragneesh and I was impressed. They were literate and combined Western therapy with Hindu religion. So I paid to attend a weekend workshop of the Orange People.

Very soon into the weekend I realised they didn't know how to do Western therapy, and worse, they were destructive to the psyches of those attending the workshop.

So I quietly explained this wasn't what I was looking for and asked for half of my money back. They immediately took offence and refused to refund any of my money.

And the subsequent history revealed how destructive the Bhagwan was in India and the United States.
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
Have any of you made significant changes to yourself?

If so:
  • What were the changes?
  • Do you believe these changes to be superficial or deep?
  • Why did you change?
  • How did you do it?
  • How difficult was this process?
  • What were the benefits?
  • What did you lose?
  • On the whole did you believe these changes were for better or worse?

Like Kyu before, I am posting to remind myself of a more detailed and thoughtful reply to this thread.
 

Eugene Watson VIII

Senor Membrae
Joined
Jun 22, 2012
Messages
824
MBTI Type
xxxP
Enneagram
?
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
What were the changes? Back to being who I feel I really am and was, especially as a kid
Do you believe these changes to be superficial or deep? More not superficial
Why did you change? Idk
How did you do it? Went out more and got out of my head
How difficult was this process? Not much actually..lol
What were the benefits? Feeling like yourself. You know the feeling right?
What did you lose? My not self
On the whole did you believe these changes were for better or worse? Better
 
G

Ginkgo

Guest
It's funny how self-consuming the desire to change oneself is. Honestly, just experiencing a connection with what's going on around you and embracing the urge to edify yourself about your experiences is the truest becoming of oneself, as ones true self is a fluid process that recognizes change as a constant exchange that demands self-acknowledgement of how the self responds to what is not the self, resulting in the acceptance of the new and the release of the old. You can really only grow if you get over yourself.
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
I have made many significant changes to myself over the past few years. I think I have talked about all of this a lot already, and at the risk of repeating myself ad nauseum... here we go again. :)

What were the changes?
Learning to become whom I am meant to be. Learning to let my little starlight shine. I am still working on this because the desire to hide away behind my castle walls is still quite strong. But each small step forward is a victory laden with marshmallow rain drops raining down from clouds above me.

It is an element of allowing all of my layers to line up and become more transparent, so that others can see who I am deep down. There are still layers to excavate, but that is another goal.

There was a big element of needing accept myself through and through that I have always struggled with my entire life.

Do you believe these changes to be superficial or deep?

To the height of the Pacific; to the depths of Everest.

Why did you change?

Because I realized that I was unhappy with myself and I was doing nothing about it. I had a catalyst in my life when my mom got sick and for one brief pocket of time I had a purpose defined in me and that relit the light inside of me in a way that it had never really been lit before. It awakened me to the fact that I was living life asleep and in all honesty simply waiting for it all to be over with. Now I am awake, wide eyed, star filled.

When my mom died I decided that I had a choice before me. I could either let the world continue to crush me and let the evil of what happened win, or I could choose to make this sad moment into something beautiful.

I win.

How did you do it?

I stopped escaping myself through external means. I had to look unflinchingly at myself and identify my problem areas and then come up with game plans for how to correct these problems. This is something that doesn't come naturally to me, but is getting easier as time goes on. It's actually quite refreshing to look at yourself objectively and a bit detached. There is a level of acceptance from that that I wouldn't have thought possible.

I have a tendency to want to do All The Things Myself, and I discovered how much easier things were when I asked for help from people who could give it. Instead of my support system consisting of: myself, I now have a lovely network to lean on as needed. And that thought along keeps me from needing to as often as I might.

How difficult was this process?

Very. The most difficult and rewarding process of my entire life. It is really tough for me as a Fi-dom to question whether my compass is giving me true north or not. It's scary to do so. I definitely have my days when I fall back into old patterns. The key is just to keep pushing yourself forward, to pick yourself back up again, to dust off those knees, and set your sights again on the third star from the left.

What were the benefits?

I am happier than I have ever been, despite the pain I had to go through to get here. I am not quite to the end of my journey, and perhaps I will never be... but I can sense that I am dancing along the right path this time. I am ok with myself within myself and that is what I need the most. To be ok in silence and solitude is a joy.


What did you lose?


Years of my life spent in the slavery of bad patterns and beliefs.

On the whole did you believe these changes were for better or worse?

Clearly for the better. I wouldn't go back for anything.
 

sprinkles

Mojibake
Joined
Jul 5, 2012
Messages
2,959
MBTI Type
INFJ
the only constant is change.

  • What were the changes?
    Learning what it means to let go and be.
  • Do you believe these changes to be superficial or deep?
    I believe them to be foundational and all encompassing.
  • Why did you change?
    Was in and out of hospitals, on medication, misanthropic and wanted to slit my own throat on a regular basis. I decided that this wasn't very pleasant.
  • How did you do it?
    The exact process is a mystery. I was just somehow hit with Zen I suppose.
  • How difficult was this process?
    It was easy. Like jumping off a cliff to your death yet enjoying the beautiful sky on your way down is easy.
  • What were the benefits?
    I learned how to take care of myself when I have a problem.
  • What did you lose?
    Anxiety, grief, severe depression, frequent suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, medications, feeling broken, feeling flawed, feeling inadequate.
  • On the whole did you believe these changes were for better or worse?
    I think they opened the entire world to me.
 

Qlip

Post Human Post
Joined
Jul 30, 2010
Messages
8,464
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Changing yourself is a lot like carving a piece of wood. If the grain has no lawn gnome in it, there will never be a lawn gnome. Yes, I have changed myself a lot, it only works well when I let go where I was holding back.
 

Mole

Permabanned
Joined
Mar 20, 2008
Messages
20,284
Changing My Mind

I read the books of Bhagwan Shree Ragneesh and I was impressed. They were literate and combined Western therapy with Hindu religion. So I paid to attend a weekend workshop of the Orange People.

Very soon into the weekend I realised they didn't know how to do Western therapy, and worse, they were destructive to the psyches of those attending the workshop.

So I quietly explained this wasn't what I was looking for and asked for half of my money back. They immediately took offence and refused to refund any of my money.

And the subsequent history revealed how destructive the Bhagwan was in India and the United States.

I also read the books of Carl Jung and I was impressed then I discovered Carl was a follower of the Führer and so I changed my mind, in exactly the same way I changed my mind about Bhagwan Shree Ragneesh.
 

Cellmold

Wake, See, Sing, Dance
Joined
Mar 23, 2012
Messages
6,266
You have a desire to change, but then you are told to accept yourself....what would be the solution?

People are taught this contradiction all their lives and so spend most of it damaged and confused. Afterall, if you can change; where is the excuse? Why wouldn't you make the effort and change?

But if you are inherently the way you are, how can you change and why should you? Ive heard people state that you cannot change a person....but then ive heard people proclaim that you can always change.

Clearly the two ideas cannot co-exist.....which one holds the truth?

It's an enjoyable situation im sure.
 

cascadeco

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2007
Messages
9,083
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
So this reminds me of one of the original questions in the Video Challenge that I answered... have you changed or not, why or why not, etc. And my answer is probably still about the same.

In the end... I probably haven't changed ALL that much; I mean, the essence of 'Me' is still Me, and I'm still thinking/processing/perceiving things very much the same as I always have, and probably always will. Not that I HAVE the same perceptions as I always have had, but the way I go about things is essentially the same, even if conclusions end up being different. (And conclusions being different = a good thing)

I one dose of any seeming 'change' in myself could be attributed to a change in my own VIEW of myself - change in self-perception. By accepting myself more, by shrugging off self-critique more and more often, by letting go of certain counterproductive thought patterns (can't always do it, but ability improves over time), shifting from a slightly pessimistic view of things to a more optimistic/'eh, whatever' view of things, I in turn output a different 'self', I guess... I have more confidence in things, I let go of things more than I used to, and in turn my presentation of self is different. I think. I feel like it is.

Also, a biggie is my learning it's ok not to have master plan and know what the rest of my life is going to be like (and it's actually preferable not to know, in many ways), and learning I don't have control over most things. Both of these things are things I always intellectually knew, but intellectually knowing and really *integrating*/truly accepting is another story - so it has taken me a long while to really get it and begin integrating the concept. Mostly this has impacted relationships / how I view them.

[Tangible example results of the above: internal shift results in external ability to quit my job with no other job lined up, move to a different state, travel alone out of the country, etc.]

The internal shifts / changes in self-perception takes a lot of work, though. I'd say most of the above was from around age 24 to where I am presently, with 2-3 years being really rough.
 

Mole

Permabanned
Joined
Mar 20, 2008
Messages
20,284
Most of us don't even want to change our mind, but when the facts change some of us change our mind, what do you do?
 

Snuggletron

Reptilian
Joined
Sep 25, 2009
Messages
2,224
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
10
hmm...

What were the changes?
Changed myself to not give a hoot.

Do you believe these changes to be superficial or deep?
superficial.

Why did you change?
Gave too much of a hoot previously

How did you do it?
Looked at things differently.

How difficult was this process?
comedic

What were the benefits?
comedy

What did you lose?
hoots and me giving them

On the whole did you believe these changes were for better or worse?
worse
 

Bloomings

New member
Joined
Jun 27, 2012
Messages
15
MBTI Type
INFJ
Yeah.



I was very self-centered and closed off emotionally. I learned how to connect emotionally with the people who matter in my life and feel empathy with people whose experiences are different from mine.



I hope they're as deep as they seem. Time will tell. Some of them will be tested in the future, but I am prepared.



I had a marriage that fell apart. I was pretty depressed after it happened, thinking I had no future except as a single father raising a small child alone. I was not taking care of myself very well. Over time I reflected on the marriage and the relationship that followed it. I recognized that something was wrong with me and I needed to work on it.



That last ex told me something typology related (which turned out to be incorrect) during the breakup, so I thought I would start there. I did a search online to better understand enneagram type dynamics in a relationship and PersonalityCafe came up. I joined and started posting and learning more about type. I knew about the enneagram stuff, but MBTI was new to me. The more I read about my type test results, the angrier I felt. I was determined to not be the perfect fit for the ISTJ stereotype, so I went down the list and tried to dispute each item, but I eventually realized, to my embarrassment, that they really did fit me. So I changed, becoming less insensitive, more personable, and more flexible and patient. Most importantly, I learned to really listen and empathize.



This is an ongoing process... I think I will always be working on it by being mindful. It's really, REALLY hard sometimes. Patience has been the most difficult part, it's like sometimes I want to jump out of my skin. It's like a voice is shouting NOW in my head every time I have to wait for something, and I have to tell it to shut up. I also inadvertently learned another lesson in the process of all this that was very hard... that I'm only part of any relationship I'm in, and no matter how much work I do on myself, that is not a guarantee that I won't make mistakes or that things will work out. That was one of those things that I thought I already knew, but I didn't.



They're all over my life. I'm more confident, more relaxed, more comfortable in my own skin, more self aware, and much more in tune with my own emotions and those of others. I rarely feel confused about how I feel about things now, and when I feel something strongly I don't hide or repress it.

Now, I can be a great partner for [MENTION=15967]Kayness[/MENTION], and I'm proud that she is mine. I feel very good about our future together. People seem to be more comfortable around me. Being open to others and listening has meant I've learned a lot from them. For example, I have insight I gained from Kay about her experiences when she was a little girl that I've been able to apply to parenting my own child. This has had immediate dramatic positive effects on my daughter. I've also gained a ton of insight into my ex-wife, who I feel I understand better now than I did at any point during our marriage. I even understand why the marriage fell apart, and what each of us did wrong. This will help me do my part to prevent such things in the future.



Nothing worth keeping.



For better. When I think about the person I was before, I cringe.

Wow, I'm impressed. Good for you! I had an ISTJ man tell me that they feel sorry for me saying, "The world has been tough on you." I was deeply hurt by this and felt humiliated because it seems he must just feel pity for me. Should I see/take what he had said to me in this way?
 
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