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Thread: Changing yourself

  1. #11


    It's funny how self-consuming the desire to change oneself is. Honestly, just experiencing a connection with what's going on around you and embracing the urge to edify yourself about your experiences is the truest becoming of oneself, as ones true self is a fluid process that recognizes change as a constant exchange that demands self-acknowledgement of how the self responds to what is not the self, resulting in the acceptance of the new and the release of the old. You can really only grow if you get over yourself.

  2. #12
    Anew Leaf


    I have made many significant changes to myself over the past few years. I think I have talked about all of this a lot already, and at the risk of repeating myself ad nauseum... here we go again.

    What were the changes?
    Learning to become whom I am meant to be. Learning to let my little starlight shine. I am still working on this because the desire to hide away behind my castle walls is still quite strong. But each small step forward is a victory laden with marshmallow rain drops raining down from clouds above me.

    It is an element of allowing all of my layers to line up and become more transparent, so that others can see who I am deep down. There are still layers to excavate, but that is another goal.

    There was a big element of needing accept myself through and through that I have always struggled with my entire life.

    Do you believe these changes to be superficial or deep?

    To the height of the Pacific; to the depths of Everest.

    Why did you change?

    Because I realized that I was unhappy with myself and I was doing nothing about it. I had a catalyst in my life when my mom got sick and for one brief pocket of time I had a purpose defined in me and that relit the light inside of me in a way that it had never really been lit before. It awakened me to the fact that I was living life asleep and in all honesty simply waiting for it all to be over with. Now I am awake, wide eyed, star filled.

    When my mom died I decided that I had a choice before me. I could either let the world continue to crush me and let the evil of what happened win, or I could choose to make this sad moment into something beautiful.

    I win.

    How did you do it?

    I stopped escaping myself through external means. I had to look unflinchingly at myself and identify my problem areas and then come up with game plans for how to correct these problems. This is something that doesn't come naturally to me, but is getting easier as time goes on. It's actually quite refreshing to look at yourself objectively and a bit detached. There is a level of acceptance from that that I wouldn't have thought possible.

    I have a tendency to want to do All The Things Myself, and I discovered how much easier things were when I asked for help from people who could give it. Instead of my support system consisting of: myself, I now have a lovely network to lean on as needed. And that thought along keeps me from needing to as often as I might.

    How difficult was this process?

    Very. The most difficult and rewarding process of my entire life. It is really tough for me as a Fi-dom to question whether my compass is giving me true north or not. It's scary to do so. I definitely have my days when I fall back into old patterns. The key is just to keep pushing yourself forward, to pick yourself back up again, to dust off those knees, and set your sights again on the third star from the left.

    What were the benefits?

    I am happier than I have ever been, despite the pain I had to go through to get here. I am not quite to the end of my journey, and perhaps I will never be... but I can sense that I am dancing along the right path this time. I am ok with myself within myself and that is what I need the most. To be ok in silence and solitude is a joy.

    What did you lose?

    Years of my life spent in the slavery of bad patterns and beliefs.

    On the whole did you believe these changes were for better or worse?

    Clearly for the better. I wouldn't go back for anything.

  3. #13
    Mojibake Array sprinkles's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012


    the only constant is change.

    • What were the changes?
      Learning what it means to let go and be.
    • Do you believe these changes to be superficial or deep?
      I believe them to be foundational and all encompassing.
    • Why did you change?
      Was in and out of hospitals, on medication, misanthropic and wanted to slit my own throat on a regular basis. I decided that this wasn't very pleasant.
    • How did you do it?
      The exact process is a mystery. I was just somehow hit with Zen I suppose.
    • How difficult was this process?
      It was easy. Like jumping off a cliff to your death yet enjoying the beautiful sky on your way down is easy.
    • What were the benefits?
      I learned how to take care of myself when I have a problem.
    • What did you lose?
      Anxiety, grief, severe depression, frequent suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, medications, feeling broken, feeling flawed, feeling inadequate.
    • On the whole did you believe these changes were for better or worse?
      I think they opened the entire world to me.

  4. #14
    Post Human Post Array Qlip's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    4w5 sp/sx


    Changing yourself is a lot like carving a piece of wood. If the grain has no lawn gnome in it, there will never be a lawn gnome. Yes, I have changed myself a lot, it only works well when I let go where I was holding back.

  5. #15
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Array Mole's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008

    Changing My Mind

    Quote Originally Posted by Victor View Post
    I read the books of Bhagwan Shree Ragneesh and I was impressed. They were literate and combined Western therapy with Hindu religion. So I paid to attend a weekend workshop of the Orange People.

    Very soon into the weekend I realised they didn't know how to do Western therapy, and worse, they were destructive to the psyches of those attending the workshop.

    So I quietly explained this wasn't what I was looking for and asked for half of my money back. They immediately took offence and refused to refund any of my money.

    And the subsequent history revealed how destructive the Bhagwan was in India and the United States.
    I also read the books of Carl Jung and I was impressed then I discovered Carl was a follower of the Führer and so I changed my mind, in exactly the same way I changed my mind about Bhagwan Shree Ragneesh.

  6. #16
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Array Cellmold's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2012


    You have a desire to change, but then you are told to accept yourself....what would be the solution?

    People are taught this contradiction all their lives and so spend most of it damaged and confused. Afterall, if you can change; where is the excuse? Why wouldn't you make the effort and change?

    But if you are inherently the way you are, how can you change and why should you? Ive heard people state that you cannot change a person....but then ive heard people proclaim that you can always change.

    Clearly the two ideas cannot co-exist.....which one holds the truth?

    It's an enjoyable situation im sure.
    "An upsidedown wire heart
    Being sucked into a periscope
    Still the mind is dull
    Like you need another excuse"

    … a theory is primarily a form of insight, i.e. a way of looking
    at the world, and not a form of knowledge of how the world is….
    .. all our different ways of thinking are to be considered as
    different ways of looking at the one reality, each with some
    domain in which it is clear and adequate….
    - David Bohm

  7. #17
    4x9 Array cascadeco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    4 so/sp


    So this reminds me of one of the original questions in the Video Challenge that I answered... have you changed or not, why or why not, etc. And my answer is probably still about the same.

    In the end... I probably haven't changed ALL that much; I mean, the essence of 'Me' is still Me, and I'm still thinking/processing/perceiving things very much the same as I always have, and probably always will. Not that I HAVE the same perceptions as I always have had, but the way I go about things is essentially the same, even if conclusions end up being different. (And conclusions being different = a good thing)

    I one dose of any seeming 'change' in myself could be attributed to a change in my own VIEW of myself - change in self-perception. By accepting myself more, by shrugging off self-critique more and more often, by letting go of certain counterproductive thought patterns (can't always do it, but ability improves over time), shifting from a slightly pessimistic view of things to a more optimistic/'eh, whatever' view of things, I in turn output a different 'self', I guess... I have more confidence in things, I let go of things more than I used to, and in turn my presentation of self is different. I think. I feel like it is.

    Also, a biggie is my learning it's ok not to have master plan and know what the rest of my life is going to be like (and it's actually preferable not to know, in many ways), and learning I don't have control over most things. Both of these things are things I always intellectually knew, but intellectually knowing and really *integrating*/truly accepting is another story - so it has taken me a long while to really get it and begin integrating the concept. Mostly this has impacted relationships / how I view them.

    [Tangible example results of the above: internal shift results in external ability to quit my job with no other job lined up, move to a different state, travel alone out of the country, etc.]

    The internal shifts / changes in self-perception takes a lot of work, though. I'd say most of the above was from around age 24 to where I am presently, with 2-3 years being really rough.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

    My Photography and Watercolor Fine Art Prints!!! Cascade Colors Fine Art Prints

  8. #18
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Array Mole's Avatar
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    Mar 2008
    Most of us don't even want to change our mind, but when the facts change some of us change our mind, what do you do?

  9. #19
    Reptilian Array Snuggletron's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009



    What were the changes?
    Changed myself to not give a hoot.

    Do you believe these changes to be superficial or deep?

    Why did you change?
    Gave too much of a hoot previously

    How did you do it?
    Looked at things differently.

    How difficult was this process?

    What were the benefits?

    What did you lose?
    hoots and me giving them

    On the whole did you believe these changes were for better or worse?

  10. #20
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Jun 2012


    Quote Originally Posted by Stephen View Post

    I was very self-centered and closed off emotionally. I learned how to connect emotionally with the people who matter in my life and feel empathy with people whose experiences are different from mine.

    I hope they're as deep as they seem. Time will tell. Some of them will be tested in the future, but I am prepared.

    I had a marriage that fell apart. I was pretty depressed after it happened, thinking I had no future except as a single father raising a small child alone. I was not taking care of myself very well. Over time I reflected on the marriage and the relationship that followed it. I recognized that something was wrong with me and I needed to work on it.

    That last ex told me something typology related (which turned out to be incorrect) during the breakup, so I thought I would start there. I did a search online to better understand enneagram type dynamics in a relationship and PersonalityCafe came up. I joined and started posting and learning more about type. I knew about the enneagram stuff, but MBTI was new to me. The more I read about my type test results, the angrier I felt. I was determined to not be the perfect fit for the ISTJ stereotype, so I went down the list and tried to dispute each item, but I eventually realized, to my embarrassment, that they really did fit me. So I changed, becoming less insensitive, more personable, and more flexible and patient. Most importantly, I learned to really listen and empathize.

    This is an ongoing process... I think I will always be working on it by being mindful. It's really, REALLY hard sometimes. Patience has been the most difficult part, it's like sometimes I want to jump out of my skin. It's like a voice is shouting NOW in my head every time I have to wait for something, and I have to tell it to shut up. I also inadvertently learned another lesson in the process of all this that was very hard... that I'm only part of any relationship I'm in, and no matter how much work I do on myself, that is not a guarantee that I won't make mistakes or that things will work out. That was one of those things that I thought I already knew, but I didn't.

    They're all over my life. I'm more confident, more relaxed, more comfortable in my own skin, more self aware, and much more in tune with my own emotions and those of others. I rarely feel confused about how I feel about things now, and when I feel something strongly I don't hide or repress it.

    Now, I can be a great partner for @Kayness, and I'm proud that she is mine. I feel very good about our future together. People seem to be more comfortable around me. Being open to others and listening has meant I've learned a lot from them. For example, I have insight I gained from Kay about her experiences when she was a little girl that I've been able to apply to parenting my own child. This has had immediate dramatic positive effects on my daughter. I've also gained a ton of insight into my ex-wife, who I feel I understand better now than I did at any point during our marriage. I even understand why the marriage fell apart, and what each of us did wrong. This will help me do my part to prevent such things in the future.

    Nothing worth keeping.

    For better. When I think about the person I was before, I cringe.
    Wow, I'm impressed. Good for you! I had an ISTJ man tell me that they feel sorry for me saying, "The world has been tough on you." I was deeply hurt by this and felt humiliated because it seems he must just feel pity for me. Should I see/take what he had said to me in this way?

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