Men, Intimacy, and Vulnerability

[onemoretime]

http://www.alternet.org/gender/why-do-men-have-such-trouble-intimacy?paging=off

While some of the article may seem a bit cliche, I also think it rings true, for the most part. Men showing their fears and weaknesses does not bring a lot of social approval with it, even though it is critical to establishing deep, meaningful relationships.

What say you?

 

[ygolo]

I like this part:

Dr. Kal Heller, a licensed psychologist specializing in child and family services, writes that “Intimacy is very risky because it requires making such a serious commitment to the relationship that each person will experience a sense of dependency on the other. To admit to needing someone else is to risk loss and deep hurt.”

I wonder, are the female stereotypes more favorable towards intimacy. Aren't they, in some sense, expected to always be nurturing, positive, and approving? Perhaps this is helpful for others, but how about for themselves?

 

[Stanton Moore]

I'm not vulnerable. stop telling people that.

 

[garbage]

Pretty much, yeah. I'm not a big fan of the whole "gender roles" thing; the differences between us are very much overblown. We all feel hurt or weak from time to time. If another person can't get past that bullshit and won't allow me to get past that bullshit, then we're not going be able to build intimacy.

It's also pretty telling that men stereotypically want to "fix problems," yet they deny actually having problems.



Men be all like this, women be all like that

 

[Chiharu]

Hmm... I woud say that men don't typically like to show their feelings around groups of other men, but I know a lot of men who openly express their feelings to women or their SO just fine.

 

[zelo1954]

Hmm... I woud say that men don't typically like to show their feelings around groups of other men, but I know a lot of men who openly express their feelings to women or their SO just fine.

I rather think you might have hit the nail on the head there. Certainly describes me to a "T". To your list of course I would most certainly add SO wannabees.

 

[rav3n]

Is this men and women or is this F vs. T?

 

[SilkRoad]

I rather think you might have hit the nail on the head there. Certainly describes me to a "T". To your list of course I would most certainly add SO wannabees.

Further to this, I've been told that if you're a girl and a guy really opens up to you, he likely views you as more than a friend (trust, desire for vulnerability, etc). And I have also been told that if he opens up to you and reveals vulnerability, he JUST views you as a friend because if he was interested in you, he would maintain the sort of "strong" facade (to impress you) and not be inclined to the vulnerability thing.

So which is it? Or does it really just depend on what kind of guy you're dealing with?

 

[Randomnity]

http://www.alternet.org/gender/why-do-men-have-such-trouble-intimacy?paging=off

While some of the article may seem a bit cliche, I also think it rings true, for the most part. Men showing their fears and weaknesses does not bring a lot of social approval with it, even though it is critical to establishing deep, meaningful relationships.

What say you?

I think it would be helpful if we tried to discourage "man code" ideas overall. I've seen some people do it fairly well with their children who grew up to be fairly non-stereotypically male in this area as well as others, although there will always be a lot of influence of peers, TV, etc etc.

 

[zelo1954]

Further to this, I've been told that if you're a girl and a guy really opens up to you, he likely views you as more than a friend (trust, desire for vulnerability, etc). And I have also been told that if he opens up to you and reveals vulnerability, he JUST views you as a friend because if he was interested in you, he would maintain the sort of "strong" facade (to impress you) and not be inclined to the vulnerability thing.

So which is it? Or does it really just depend on what kind of guy you're dealing with?

I don't know SilkRoad but I can say for certain that you can place me very much in the first category. But I'm a 4w5 and you shouldn't assume I'm anything other than unique

One other point when dealing with introverts. If he shows you the king of his castle (i.e. his dominant process) on a 1:1 basis, especially when you know he's trying to benefit you, you can safely assume he is smitten.

 

[ceecee]

http://www.alternet.org/gender/why-do-men-have-such-trouble-intimacy?paging=off

While some of the article may seem a bit cliche, I also think it rings true, for the most part. Men showing their fears and weaknesses does not bring a lot of social approval with it, even though it is critical to establishing deep, meaningful relationships.

What say you?

I think it's totally true. There is very little to be gained by a man showing weakness in public. It may be a different story in private (and it probably is), no matter if it is with a SO or close male friends.

 

[SD45T-2]

Further to this, I've been told that if you're a girl and a guy really opens up to you, he likely views you as more than a friend (trust, desire for vulnerability, etc). And I have also been told that if he opens up to you and reveals vulnerability, he JUST views you as a friend because if he was interested in you, he would maintain the sort of "strong" facade (to impress you) and not be inclined to the vulnerability thing.

So which is it? Or does it really just depend on what kind of guy you're dealing with?

I really have no idea if there's any SOP. You may as well just flip a coin.

 

[highlander]

I think the article overly generalizes. Don't really like it.

 

[UniqueMixture]

Is this men and women or is this F vs. T?

Same difference

 

[rav3n]

Same difference

Only if you consider something like 60/40 to be enough to warrant that 'all' should be stereotyped by this archaic gender dichotomy. If so, then if 60% of men were gay, then all men suffer from either needing to come out of the closet or being stigmatised as gay men?

 

[EJCC]

Further to this, I've been told that if you're a girl and a guy really opens up to you, he likely views you as more than a friend (trust, desire for vulnerability, etc). And I have also been told that if he opens up to you and reveals vulnerability, he JUST views you as a friend because if he was interested in you, he would maintain the sort of "strong" facade (to impress you) and not be inclined to the vulnerability thing.

So which is it? Or does it really just depend on what kind of guy you're dealing with?

I am very interested in hearing other people's answers to this. I, for one, have more experience with the latter; the guys who have opened up to me have usually been friend-zoning me. When they're interested in me, it's taken them longer to open up.

 

[UniqueMixture]

Only if you consider something like 60/40 to be enough to warrant that 'all' should be stereotyped by this archaic gender dichotomy. If so, then if 60% of men were gay, then all men suffer from either needing to come out of the closet or being stigmatised as gay men?

I was (mostly) joking. 60% of men are gay. Maybe more

 

[Redbone]

Men be all like this, women be all like that

Yes, this kills me.

I think the article makes a lot of good points. I think there are more men that actually do want to show that side of themselves but the moment they do...well, it often doesn't go over very well. It often won't happen even when they want it and their partner is open to it.

 

[Poki]

I think the man code is retarded and actually see men who try to abide by this code nothing more then a wanna be who has to have rules to follow to be a man.

Be who you are and be proud of it. We all have a feminine side and a manly side. The man who braids his daughters hair because the mom is out of the picture is more manly then the one who refuses to because he is a "man".

 

[garbage]

I've had at least a few coworkers open up to me, and vice versa. It's established trust in all areas--including, of course, work. We're a lot more effective as a team. And also, it sucks for anyone to feel alone or misunderstood. I wouldn't want someone facing some serious shit to have to drag themselves into the office and put on a happy, showy face in front of me.

I am very interested in hearing other people's answers to this. I, for one, have more experience with the latter; the guys who have opened up to me have usually been friend-zoning me. When they're interested in me, it's taken them longer to open up.

I could see it--especially since the guy probably thinks that he can 'open up' more to women because there's a perception that women can actually talk about that 'touchy-feely' stuff.