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  1. #1
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    Default Disorganized Fearful Attachment style

    So, in my studies of psychology I've been reading about attachment theory and styles and this one most accurately describes me.

    Which of course, bothers me, because I want to be securely attached. However; on further consideration I have no idea, no clue whatsoever, as to how to go about becoming securely attached. My classed so far have only covered the problems, not how to fix them.

    I do kind of trust the intentions of my partners. That is, I'm not always wondering if they're going to betray me or leave me, and I understand that there's a fair chance they won't, or if they do that it's just the natural course of things, but I try really hard to hold the relationships with a very open hand and not be too much trouble and resist attaching and actually become distressed if I realize that I have attached because the feelings are unfounded. You can't hold someone at arms length and then think they're important to you and hope that you'd be important to them, it's just not going to happen.

    Also, I do not get angry or clingy at perceived rejection. Instead, I am internally hurt and walk away without a fight and become less likely to engage in a relationship the next time. I will not fight for something I am not sure I deserve, and am not sure I want. So, if they don't want it, why should I want it? Best to let it go.

    However; this has resulted in only one relationship of any length and only a couple to speak of and maybe only a couple dozen or so dates in the last decade. Maybe two a year.

    And, not that I'm really distressed by this as I am by what it indicates about my overall psychological health. Can anyone relate? More importantly; Does anyone have any ideas how I can go about fixing whatever disordered thought processes or perceptions are related to this style?
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
    -Teddy Roosevelt
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  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by briochick View Post
    Does anyone have any ideas how I can go about fixing whatever disordered thought processes or perceptions are related to this style?
    Yes, therapy is well suited to meeting our attachment needs as well as enabling us to be interdependent.

  3. #3
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victor View Post
    Yes, therapy is well suited to meeting our attachment needs as well as enabling us to be interdependent.
    Thank you for that suggestion but I was hoping for something a little more practical and a little less expensive/exposing; something hands on that I can do. I've been to therapy and clearly it did not solve this problem.
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
    -Teddy Roosevelt
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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by briochick View Post
    Thank you for that suggestion but I was hoping for something a little more practical and a little less expensive/exposing; something hands on that I can do. I've been to therapy and clearly it did not solve this problem.
    Well, perhaps if you took the weight off relationships and rather sought companionship in a shared activity.

    For instance, you might like to join a Swing Dance Club. They are very popular at the moment. There is no need to bring a partner. And you will have a number of dancing partners during the evening.

    Or you might like to join a Walking Club. You go walking in group, usually in a nice setting, and walk with and talk with a number of members.

    What do you think?

  5. #5
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victor View Post
    Well, perhaps if you took the weight off relationships and rather sought companionship in a shared activity.

    For instance, you might like to join a Swing Dance Club. They are very popular at the moment. There is no need to bring a partner. And you will have a number of dancing partners during the evening.

    Or you might like to join a Walking Club. You go walking in group, usually in a nice setting, and walk with and talk with a number of members.

    What do you think?
    That sounds like a fair enough idea, though I am already in university classes at the moment, work as a part time adult teacher in the evenings, and involved with a church group and they have failed to result in relationships. I can be very open when I first meet people and often get along well enough with them, but, for example, I have been in my church group for a year and still do not have a regular friendship with anyone, despite their being very nice. Any ideas how to take it to the "next level"? I suspect people sense my reluctance to get close and interpret it as lack of desire rather than what it is; fear and ignorance of how to behave/respond.

    I have been considering joining a krav maga class lately, perhaps that would yield more results...
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
    -Teddy Roosevelt
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  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by briochick View Post
    That sounds like a fair enough idea, though I am already in university classes at the moment, work as a part time adult teacher in the evenings, and involved with a church group and they have failed to result in relationships. I can be very open when I first meet people and often get along well enough with them, but, for example, I have been in my church group for a year and still do not have a regular friendship with anyone, despite their being very nice. Any ideas how to take it to the "next level"? I suspect people sense my reluctance to get close and interpret it as lack of desire rather than what it is; fear and ignorance of how to behave/respond.

    I have been considering joining a krav maga class lately, perhaps that would yield more results...
    OK, so you want a relationship. Why not try the direct approach? Why not find someone you like and ask them to dinner?

    But as you say, you don't know how to behave or respond so you can expect your first dinner to be a disaster, but at least you can come back here and tell us all about it.

    But then you will pluck up your courage and ask another nice person to dinner, and after your first disaster, things can only get better, if only slightly better.

    But the third time you ask a nice person to dinner, you will start to feel overconfident and you will even start to enjoy yourself and you won't be able to wait to come back and tell us all about it.

    By your fourth dinner, the waiters will be getting to know you, the setting will be familiar, and you will start by putting your guest at ease.

    And soon you will becoming an accomplished hostess, putting your guest at ease and taking your ease yourself, you will become so easy that sometimes you will forget about us here, just waiting to know what happens.

  7. #7
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    Haha! ^_^ It probably would not go disastrously, I have that much confidence. I just would wait for them to contact me afterwards, or would be awkward on the phone and feel like I was wasting their time.
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
    -Teddy Roosevelt
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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by briochick View Post
    Haha! ^_^ It probably would not go disastrously, I have that much confidence. I just would wait for them to contact me afterwards, or would be awkward on the phone and feel like I was wasting their time.
    So you feel dependent and awkward and that you are wasting our time - is that right?

  9. #9
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    Ha! Okay, let's try this one more time; In some situations, I can be dependent, yes, that's part of a mixed style, in others I am avoidant. My original post was actually in the hope that someone could direct me to psychological exercises that the mixed-fearful attachment style can do to develop real solid relationships, not to meet people, (this isn't a problem with sociability but with intimacy). Additionally, I wasn't aware there was more than one of you on the other end of Victor, or is this merely the royal we? Finally, I'm a little surprised that after four fairly short response you would be bothered enough to make an accusation of time wasted. You were not forced to respond. If any time was wasted it was minimal and the need to state it is minimal was well.
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
    -Teddy Roosevelt
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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by briochick View Post
    Ha! Okay, let's try this one more time; In some situations, I can be dependent, yes, that's part of a mixed style, in others I am avoidant. My original post was actually in the hope that someone could direct me to psychological exercises that the mixed-fearful attachment style can do to develop real solid relationships, not to meet people, (this isn't a problem with sociability but with intimacy). Additionally, I wasn't aware there was more than one of you on the other end of Victor, or is this merely the royal we? Finally, I'm a little surprised that after four fairly short response you would be bothered enough to make an accusation of time wasted. You were not forced to respond. If any time was wasted it was minimal and the need to state it is minimal was well.
    Well, perhaps you are avoiding intimacy with me. Perhaps we can explore that.

    And I don't think you are wasting my time - I understood you thought you were wasting my time. So rather than accusing you of wasting time, I am trying to understand you and help you understand yourself.

    And you say your problem is with intimacy - and I would guess you mean emotional intimacy.

    And just look - you are feeling emotions as you read this. So you might ask yourself how are you avoiding intimacy with me and indeed with us on Central.

    And I emphasise - this is not an accusation - this is an attempt to understand how you avoid intimacy, and even why you avoid intimacy.

    And of course in exploring this, you will be becoming more intimate.

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