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  1. #161
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
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    Depends on what outcome I want. It's either
    a) soft reply in a non-aggressive voice
    b) forceful reply, I'll match or almost match their intensity

    If I'm in a professional setting where the workplace behavior code demands courtesy, it's always A. In other settings I use both A and B. In both cases I stay factual and speak nothing of psychology or how "aggressive" anyone is.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  2. #162
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I tend to freeze the first moment because it catches me off guard. These days I also use that moment - it's a reaction others are expecting you to have anyways, so you may as well put it to use - to check up on them (current moment, their situation at home, their past, their feelings, and what might've triggered it). 90 percent of the time, when someone is yelling at you, it's not even about you. With loved ones, this is even easier to see, and that means that with them I have more information to work with for the next step and will try longer.

    Next, I use that information to try and defuse the situation by saying something disarming or - if I think it will help - to redirect them to the source of their anger and really let it all out. If it *is* my fault that they're angry, I'll also apologise and explain myself, but usually if they're at the point of yelling, there is more going on than my blunder, I've noticed.

    If they respond positively, we talk it out and release that pain, or at least let them have a moment with that awareness. If they stick to being justified in their anger and keep yelling, and become defensive and arrogant, I move on to match them in intensity - whether that requires yelling or just what I call 'solid brick wording'.

    Some people enjoy the power that anger gives them too much to care where it came from and need to be shown that, ya know what, it aint going to get you *anywhere* and perhaps spooked a little themselves by having someone else match their intensity and even show the capacity of going beyond - a battle of wills if you will, to take the air out of their tires.

    If they need to yell more, but aren't escalating, I'll stick to the 'solid brick wall' part while trying to hear the message through their frustration until they're able to work through the anger, all the way. I don't mind people having to vent off frustration, as long as they don't do it in a power-hungry *must feel superior to you and completely beat the crap out of you* way.

    Im perfectly comfortable with intense emotion and I don't mind people using it to communicate as long as they're aware that it is *theirs*, and they take ownership of what they're doing. If they're going out of their way to make their anger a) my problem and b) blame me for it alongside, I walk away.

    Learn some fucking awareness and take ownership of your own emotions - just because you don't know how to handle them doesn't mean you get to make them someone elses problem, you ****. I'll even help you figure it out, but I won't enable you by becoming your toxic waste dumpsite, so you can avoid having to deal with your own shit.

    Usually, after that, they either back down and take stock - and I immediately deflate my own intensity to match theirs as they pause, so we can start talking. If they do the toxic waste dumpsite trick, I I walk away - effectively putting them in time out, while making it clear they can come and talk to me when they feel more up to it.

    I could skip the matching-intensity part, but a) I rather enjoy it myself, it's rare I get to let lose like that and b) I've found it more effective in combination with walking away, than just doing the walking away thing, in communicating my message and avoiding future incidents.

    Most people get really pissed and frustrated if you put them instantly in time-out with no other warning because their anger has nowhere to go. Ive been at that point myself, it's a really annoying feeling - but, it works as a strategy, though it can leave lingering resentment if nothing gets talked out. Matching theirs is in fact what they want/need, because it *gives* them something to yell at, but at the same time can also shock them back out of it once it's fulfilled its purpose - especially if you can make them feel heard as you're pushing back. Meanwhile, it can also shock bullies who aren't used to resistance out of their power trip, and provoke awareness in them.

    That said, I don't feed power junkies who just project everything on others and refuse to even acknowledge, let alone take responsibility for their own emotions, so the walking away is to keep it from becoming an unending shouting match - and deprive them of their 'reward' for abusing you by refusing to let them unload a feeling on you that they don't know what to do with, and the euphoria and ego and power-boost it gives them when they get to use you as a release valve - while communicating that I won't put up with this behaviour, but I *am* willing to help them process it and talk about the situation once they've cooled off.
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  3. #163
    Member BeyondTheGrey's Avatar
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    I just say "ok" and ignore them.
    I can't take all those overwhelming emotions.

  4. #164
    Clean Slate CitizenErased's Avatar
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    Sicily blood mode: yell back not letting the other reply, hit a table with the fist, say it's over and go away slamming the door. I'm cute until I'm not
    MBTI: INTP (though I'm PINT-sized) * Ti = Ne > Fi > Ni > Si > Te = Se >>> Fe
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    Omnis res est se ipsa singularis et per nihil aliud
    Likes prplchknz liked this post

  5. #165
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CitizenErased View Post
    Sicily blood mode: yell back not letting the other reply, hit a table with the fist, say it's over and go away slamming the door. I'm cute until I'm not
    are you sicilian? I know random question that has nothing to do with this thread, I'm just curious.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  6. #166
    Clean Slate CitizenErased's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    are you sicilian? I know random question that has nothing to do with this thread, I'm just curious.
    I'm Argentine but all my grandparents and the rest of my ancestors, so it's very present in me.. even inside my family, I'm called "la tana" (the Italian) because of my character, haha
    MBTI: INTP (though I'm PINT-sized) * Ti = Ne > Fi > Ni > Si > Te = Se >>> Fe
    Enneagram: 5w4 - 4w5 - 1w9 sp/sx * 5 > 4 > 1 > 8 > 3 > 6 > 7 > 9 > 2
    Socionics: LII - Ne
    SLOAN: Rc|U|EI
    Holland Code: AIE
    Temperament: Melancholic/Choleric
    House: Slytherin
    Oldham's: Idiosyncratic/Solitary

    Omnis res est se ipsa singularis et per nihil aliud

  7. #167
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CitizenErased View Post
    I'm Argentine but all my grandparents and the rest of my ancestors, so it's very present in me.. even inside my family, I'm called "la tana" (the Italian) because of my character, haha
    cool. my friend is half scilian half irish he looks more irish but tries to claim sicilian all the time, and it's like you have red hair and freckles and wear your grandfathers irish caps. he dresses like an irish boy from the 1920s, and has extremely pale skin green eyes and red hair and freckles. and tries to claim he's not white because of being sicilian, and i'm just like yes you are white.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so
    Likes CitizenErased liked this post

  8. #168
    fragment Lia_kat's Avatar
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    It depends on what they're yelling at me about. If it's something disrespectful, offensive, not true, etc, I yell right back. I'm a hot-tempered Spanish woman, so that does not sit well with me. If it's something else or I perceive it as them hurting and using yelling to project, I would try to calm them down and understand their feelings to see if we can come to an understanding.
    "..But my dreaming self refuses to be consoled."- M.Atwood
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  9. #169
    Senior Member Frosty's Avatar
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    I alredy answered this but ill answer again to see if it aligns.

    I hate getting yelled at... By certain people. I dunno it depends. If I am getting yelled at for something that I dont believe I did wrong, something that I dont feel bad about, then Ill either get sort of uh snappy and sarcastic and eventually blunt or Ill think its hilarious depending on the intensity of the argument. So I dont really take them seriously, and if there is real one sided seriousness I tend to get annoyed, especially if it is just insisted upon that I be involved.

    The exception to this rule is during one of my dads major blowouts. I mean sometimes I deliberately set them up on the off chance hope that Ill win... Took me forever and so many long drawn out screaming fights to let him let me get my liscence before retirement... But most of the time its either for something that I know that I actually did wrong... Or its for something that just personally irritates him about something that I did/am. Thing is these sorts of arguments... No matter how bad the thing I did... I am never really focusing on the subject much... More just trying not to break. Which is really counter productive. Its weird with my dad... He gets really mean if you cry... Like doubly mean... But he doesnt stop until you do cry. Sometimes I can fight him with sarcasm... But most of the time... After a long time of name calling threats and just blatant intimidation... Hours really- all night sometimes. I break down and yeah. But I never really learn anything from this ever. Just to try to avoid the unavoidable.

    Other people... If they yell at me... I can feel pretty bad... If I feel bad. But yelling at me just really doesnt work. If I feel bad about something I will just feel bad... If I dont, really no amount of screaming-making me hear you-will change that. So yeah I hate being yelled at... I like when people are open enough to share their concerns... And I mean my brother and I when we yell at each other we can actually reach stuff that weve been hiding, work stuff out, get it in the open. Hmm I guess I just dislike yelling when there is an obvious imbalance of power. I mean I dislike it at all times, but hate it where I am just to be yelled AT.

  10. #170
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    My eyes just glaze over and I don't say much unless I am at a breaking point with the person.

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