Firstly, I'm new here, but have been lurking around for a while. So hi.
If this is in the wrong forum move it pleaaassseee and thank you!
WARNING: Loooong post, but I really appreciate any feedback!
I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD. At first I thought everything that had to do with me was based on that. Everything.
But then I found out that a friend of mine had a personality disorder. I decided to research it so maybe I could help her or do something, but before doing anything I wanted to get my facts straight.
I started on Wikipedia, because I didn't want to go in depth, and wiki is always a nice place to start. (When the article isn't on opinions.)
I started reading about being a sociopath, and I loved reading about it. It was just really interesting, let me say. So I decided to read about other disorders as well. I clicked on the "avoidance personality disorder" link, and started reading.
Immediately I couldn't read any more. I was stunned for about two seconds after reading this line: "People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, or disliked."
That was me.
I forced myself to keep reading, because I knew I'd stress about what it meant if I didn't keep reading. It really got to me when it got to the part where it said "They tend to criticize themselves after speaking to others." It doesn't matter if I said the most hilarious thing in the world. What I said was was wrong of me to say, and extremely embarrassing.
Somewhere along the way there was something that said "This is closely linked to Schizoid Personality Disorder." What immediately entered my mind was Schizophrenia, so I decided to check it out to make sure.
Again, I had to stop reading. "Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness, and apathy."
A few paragraphs down or so, I realized the major difference was that Schizoids really didnt care about relationships, while avoidance people do. But I still felt like both really applied to me. Sometimes I just really didn't care what others wanted from me, (and sometimes all I wanted was for them to feel pain, for they had broken my iscolation.) Other times I really wanted to fit in, be like everyone else, have a boyfriend, but fear of saying something stupid kept me from doing those things. The whole "have a boyfriend" thing was more because I was scared of someone relying on me for emotional condolences, because I suspect myself of being a Schizoid, obviously I would hate doing that. Heck, I hate when my friends come crying to me for silly things. I wanted them to be my pillow.
I feel like this must be clarified though, I would be a covert Schizoid. I do appear to be extremely friendly, but I would never dare initiate conversation with someone I don't know or don't have a friend around to help me.
I do suspect my therapist is trying to secretly test me for being a Schizoid, because I remember him asking if I had three layers to my brain, one on the outside that everyone gets access to, one a little deeper, where I start to express my thoughts, and a third layer no one is able to reach because those thoughts are never voiced. I answered yes, because until then I had been doing it subconsciously, now I'm aware I'm doing it. Only 3 people have access to the second part. My friend Amanda, and my sister. And my sister gets there through sheer innocence and not understanding whats going on, so I can tell her anything without fear of her thinking lowly of me. Amanda...its a long story how she became that trusted.
I also frequently go to my inner fantasy world. At first I didn't understand what that meant, because I never imagined riding dragons or anything, just me talking to people and having it always go my way. My therapist questioned about this and asked "do the people appear weaker then they actually are?" To which I responded "no", but then he threw a curveball. "They'd have to be in order for you to stand up to them, eh?" Yes indeed. My other form of escape is World of Warcraft, its a wonderful outlet to be anyone but you. Sure, maybe you cant talk to people in the real world, but all you have to do in here is smack something with a hammer really well and your accepted!
(This starts to get really complicated with me theorycrafting here, so yeah.)
Back to the tests. After I finished with that, and here are my results:
Disorder | Rating
Narcissistic: Very High
Avoidant: Very High
I dont understand the Narcissistic...whatever. But then I saw a link to a depression test. I was starting to feel freaked out about me having a disorder, so I decided to take it to make myself feel better cause I knew I wasnt depressed.
Major Depression: Slight
Bipolar Disorder: High
Cyclothymia: Very High
Seasonal Affective Disorder: Slight-Moderate
Postpartum Depression: N/A
Cyclothymia. If you dont know what it is, its a mild form of being bipolar, basically.
Heres the theorycrafting part, lol
I think that I am a Schizoid and Avoidant. But, I also have cyclothymia, somedays thinking "I hate everyone" and some days thinking "I wish I could relate to everyone!" Some days I am able to conquer my avoidant fear and I socialize, but then I think about what the other person must've thought about what I said, and that freaks me out so then I clam up. Some days I am just a Schizoid and purposely try not to talk to anyone.
I dunno, but at the end of this I just remembered this and I feel like it's important. I did have a boyfriend once...for about 3 days. It was at a summer camp and we were both ridiculously shy. The rest of the oh-so-supportive camp decided to pair us up and he ended up actually liking me. He attempted to keep in touch after camp, and I was afraid at first of hurting his feelings so I kind of sent back messages. After about a week I started getting scared of sending him messages...Im not sure why...but I cut off all contact with him suddenly and never talked to him again. I also really try to avoid going over to peoples houses that invite me over. Because (if I am one) I'm a covert Schizoid, Im really good at making people think I care about what their saying. So they think I enjoy their company. So they think we're friends, and try to invite me over, naturally. I never want to come over though. I pretend I didn't get their texts, Oh, I didn't have internet, I have something going on. The only person I don't often make these excuses for is with Amanda, although sometimes it happens.
So...what do you think? I'm aware it may be the whole when you read about something, you immediately think you have it. But I really tried to be honest.