Explaining Death to a Child

[Turtledove]

Recently, I find it fascinating exactly how children do not understand the concept of death. One particular child asked why the man in a coffin was sleeping while others were unsure as to why people were upset. I assume that cultures like in Mexico actually teach the children about death being a part of life. Could anyone explain this (besides they are still new to the world,) or has anyone ever explained death to a child? Are there other cultures who teach young children about death?

 

[sleuthiness]

This tendency doesn't fall away as a child grows up.

Just morphs into other, more acceptable forms of self-delusion.

Drumroll, please.

 

[DisneyFanGirl]

I grew up in a Christian home. My parents would tell me that death isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes death is a wonderful thing because people who die will be in heaven waiting for us. It wasn't much of a comfort because it still hurts that these people are gone but if you believe in heaven, I think that's the best way to explain it to kids. They'll really latch on to the idea of something better at the end of their lives...

 

[Society]

Recently, I find it fascinating exactly how children do not understand the concept of death. One particular child asked why the man in a coffin was sleeping while others were unsure as to why people were upset. I assume that cultures like in Mexico actually teach the children about death being a part of life. Could anyone explain this (besides they are still new to the world,) or has anyone ever explained death to a child? Are there other cultures who teach young children about death?

worked on my 5yo (gradually since he was 3) - pointing out and explaining roadkills. it was scary enough to get stuck in his head at the age of 3 and not want to be "dead like the skunk" (and the ultimate starting point for learning road safety), but it also brought on an ungoing process where with new animels he'd come up with solutions - usually related to what he knows is healthy - such as "its ok he can have water" or "he needs to eat his carrots" or the gaming-inspired "its ok he can start over", and each time we'd tell him that "he can't drink/eat because he's dead, he won't get up ever"... and he seemed to be understanding it a little bit better each time, reaching his own conclusion that death can't be fixed just a little bit faster.

i think its a good preperation to understand the concept - when human death hits he'll be able to focus on the loss without having to find out about the concept of mortality on the exact same day.

and yes i know some people might not feel comfortable with pointing out such a bloody visual depiction to a child like splated dead animals on the road - fearing that they'd scar him for life - but before you judge, the way i see it anything that does such a wonderful job in teaching him to stay alive, and even other kids (he'll stop his friends crossing or running onto the road without looking - makes me proud each time), anything like that puts any emotional scar into perspective.

 

[xisnotx]

We had a dog once. Overly energetic. Very enthusiastic about everything. I imagine that to those he wasn't friendly with, he came off as quite fearsome.

One day, he didn't come home. It wasn't too hard to put two and two together and later I was told that he had been hit by a car.

In the same time period, the lady owner of the house we were renting died in a car crash. Our family was decently close to the family and they had children around our age. The owner, his wife and one other person (who I can't quite remember) were in a pick-up as it crashed into a wall. Only the owner survived (reportedly by jumping out of the vehicle before it hit the wall). The owner of the house wanted his wife buried on his property, the property we were currently renting. We had a ceremony in our back yard where all those closest to her stood around her grave and wept. The preacher/priest spoke over her body speaking in another language, though I imagine the rhetoric used wasn't atypical.

I remember her youngest daughter coming up to me before the ceremony (or maybe after) and asking me if I knew who was buried in our backyard. I just smiled.

It took me a couple weeks before I was able to go to her grave site by myself.

 

[ceecee]

I never used phrases like - they're asleep, they went away or they are in heaven. As comforting as that may be at the time, it's fiction and for a child under about 8, can be extraordinarily bad because they take things literally. My grandmother died when my boys were 4 and 8. I told them that she was old (she was), that she had been sick (true) and that her body simply stopped working because of those two things. It was ok to be sad or cry or miss her but dying was part of life. Funerals were for living people to say goodbye to people that they love and to be with others that felt the same way and everyone handles that differently. There were a couple of violent, young deaths they had to deal with as teenagers and I think this probably showed them the finality and maybe was a beneficial thing for them to experience. It taught them that life is fragile and when you put yourself in situations such as these (motorcycle and car fatalities both the operators faults) death can be the end result. I just feel honesty is the best thing but also stressing that grief isn't bad and expressing it is healthy.

 

[Southern Kross]

I never used phrases like - they're asleep, they went away or they are in heaven. As comforting as that may be at the time, it's fiction and for a child under about 8, can be extraordinarily bad because they take things literally. My grandmother died when my boys were 4 and 8. I told them that she was old (she was), that she had been sick (true) and that her body simply stopped working because of those two things. It was ok to be sad or cry or miss her but dying was part of life. Funerals were for living people to say goodbye to people that they love and to be with others that felt the same way and everyone handles that differently. There were a couple of violent, young deaths they had to deal with as teenagers and I think this probably showed them the finality and maybe was a beneficial thing for them to experience. It taught them that life is fragile and when you put yourself in situations such as these (motorcycle and car fatalities both the operators faults) death can be the end result. I just feel honesty is the best thing but also stressing that grief isn't bad and expressing it is healthy.

Yes, I think this is the best approach.

Those euphemisms can be dangerous. Kids want clarity not confusion; even with a harsh truth.

 

[Qlip]

I guess I don't understand what to explain, it is what it is. I've never had to explain death to my kids, except maybe let them know it's natural and part of living. They've had enough experience in their lives with it, they haven't been shielded. They've been to several funerals. They've experienced the death of animals and pets. They know where meat comes from. With experience, I don't think a kid knows anything less about death than an adult.

 

[Turtledove]

So, the majority so far basically says they explain "the circle of life" through pets or animals. Thought the same thing except I would've explained it through goldfish--something smaller and less traumatizing. But yeah, I guess kids develop differently the concept, but they do need clarity to an extent.

 

[DisneyFanGirl]

I think Sesame Street did a really good job explaining death in a way children understand.

http://www.videohippy.com/video/49315/Classic-Sesame-Street-Im-Sure-Gonna-Miss-You-Mr-Hooper

 

[Such Irony]

I never used phrases like - they're asleep, they went away or they are in heaven. As comforting as that may be at the time, it's fiction and for a child under about 8, can be extraordinarily bad because they take things literally.

When I was under 8, those were the explanations I got. As I got older, I reasoned that heaven is probably just a myth construed to make people feel better. I realized that once you or someone is dead, it's final, there's no sort of afterlife. Once I realized that, initially I felt depressed at the finality of death and I also felt upset that as I young child I was lied to.

 

[Vilku]

i suppose this explanation thing is culture based.
when i were 8 and a family member of mine died, i only saw it as obvious when the house were full of flowers and one was missing.
maybe this is the difference between self learners (Ti's) and learn from others (Te's)?
as ive noticed, many Te's seem to have a rough road on finding the truth as they trust others knowledge too much, which in our era is very flawed.

 

[INTP]

Ofc they wont understand if it havent been explained to them properly.

Personally i dont even remember when i understood the concept of death, i know i did already when i was 3 or 4 for sure, because thats when my uncles cat killed an squirrel and we burried it with my mom. But most likely figured it out earlier, i dont remember ever asking about it. Most likely figured out it from something like me ripping leaves from some plant when i couldnt understand things yet and mom told me that its going to die if i do it or something..

 

[Forever_Jung]

My 3 year old cousin: What happened to grampy?
Her Mother: He's where your pet hamster went.
Cousin: Grampy's in the dumpster!? *despair*

 

[rhinosaur]

The other night I had the idea to write a book called "Everyone Dies" in the same style as "Everyone Poops."

 

[Usehername]

The other night I had the idea to write a book called "Everyone Dies" in the same style as "Everyone Poops."

 

[pinkgraffiti]

the way my teacher explained to me when i was 6: "life is a cycle. you are born, you grow up, you make a family, you have children, you grow old, you die. your children will continue this cycle. all nature has this cycle. you cannot escape it. isn't it beautiful?" it was more or less like that. it was also the best explanation I've had thus far.

 

[pinkgraffiti]

i think this is very beautiful, you handled it greatly

I never used phrases like - they're asleep, they went away or they are in heaven. As comforting as that may be at the time, it's fiction and for a child under about 8, can be extraordinarily bad because they take things literally. My grandmother died when my boys were 4 and 8. I told them that she was old (she was), that she had been sick (true) and that her body simply stopped working because of those two things. It was ok to be sad or cry or miss her but dying was part of life. Funerals were for living people to say goodbye to people that they love and to be with others that felt the same way and everyone handles that differently. There were a couple of violent, young deaths they had to deal with as teenagers and I think this probably showed them the finality and maybe was a beneficial thing for them to experience. It taught them that life is fragile and when you put yourself in situations such as these (motorcycle and car fatalities both the operators faults) death can be the end result. I just feel honesty is the best thing but also stressing that grief isn't bad and expressing it is healthy.

 

[ewomack]

I've seen people tell a child worried over the concept of death "don't worry, that's a long way off." I understand why they say that, because it makes the child feel better, but the truth is that we're all equally poised towards death no matter what our age or situation. Death can come at any moment for anyone. But who wants to tell a child that "well, you too could die any moment." But it's true. I still vaguely remember my life before the concept hit me. I felt ridiculously invincible and did things that make my spine quake thinking of them now. But I also can't blame anyone for not telling me the "whole story." Balancing truth against consequences gets to the very annoying heart of morality.