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  1. #21
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    No-one usually changes because you've asked them to, only because they wanted to so either we hang around hoping the change will come sooner rather than later or remove ourselves from their lives and wish them the best of luck.
    I stuck around far too long and nothing changed, lol. Back then, my boundaries (if i had any) were so blurred because i kept on listening to him and trusting his word so i ended up becoming the crazy one. I found the best way for him to change (if that's what he wanted) was to get the hell away. If someone else wants to deal with it, great but there comes a time when enough is enough.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  2. #22
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
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    Slowly back away if it's to much for you or unhealthy for you! I left my ex boyfriend when I lived in California (we were together for 4 years) and it was the best thing for both of us. He called me last year telling me about how he realized that his way of thinking and how he treated me was wrong. His new relationship is a healthy one, I am so glad for him! If I would have stuck around I don't think anything would have changed, he never would have learned.
    Fe | Ni | Se | Ti ... 3w4 ... Lawful Neutral ... Johari -Nohari

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sparrow View Post
    Slowly back away if it's to much for you or unhealthy for you! I left my ex boyfriend when I lived in California (we were together for 4 years) and it was the best thing for both of us. He called me last year telling me about how he realized that his way of thinking and how he treated me was wrong. His new relationship is a healthy one, I am so glad for him! If I would have stuck around I don't think anything would have changed, he never would have learned.
    yes, sometimes people hang on to things unhealthily and all the do is make excuses. The difference between an excuse and a reason is when you give in to the reason the thing stops...an excuse is nothing but fake...and when you give in nothing changes...it was simply an excuse, not a reason. Been there done that, excuses are draining and a waste of time to submit others to.
    Im out, its been fun

  4. #24
    Señora Member Elfa's Avatar
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    I've never been in a situation like that, but I've seen my father passing through a similar situation. The person would say she would change, but she didn't, and they stayed together for 11 years, in a sad and unhealthy relationship - he waiting for her to change. Then he broke up with her and he has never been happier. Anyway, I'll say what I think about this kind of situation.

    What I think is that when you stay with her, in spite of her acting in a way that you don't like, you kinda send the message that it's ok for her to act the way she does. Even when you say you don't like it and you can't stand her, you act like you can stand her by staying with her. That way, the result of her being innapropriate is a good thing (you staying with her), so she keeps doing it (or she has no reason to stop it). If the result of being invasive is having you to defriend her, maybe she will notice that her actions (and it's results) are really bad. After her seeing that, we cannot be sure of her actions. Maybe she'll take the therapist seriously, maybe she'll attempt suicide, maybe she'll find another person like you and keep doing the same... I'm sorry, but I don't know.

    Other thing is that she shouldn't be of your responsability. If respecting yourself is backing away from her, maybe you should do it; not because of her, but because of you...

  5. #25
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    It's always easier to talk about something than to do it. Unfortunately, I have some history of not following my own advice, & not keeping to vows. It's always embarrassing to realize you completely didn't do what you said you would.

    Regarding your situation, I'm not sure. I know one feature of borderline personality is making wild promises only to forget them immediately afterward. But I would at least give a chance.
    RCUAI
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    "Man is free, but his freedom ceases when he has no faith in it."

  6. #26
    Senior Member TenebrousReflection's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    People with serious psychological issues, harmful patterns of behaviour, etc, which affect themselves and those around them... It's so easy to say that you will change. Doing it is another thing.

    In your experience, with the people who say "I'll change...I know I can do this...you'll see, I can change. If you just stick around a bit longer you'll see I will change." Do they usually end up changing? How long do you stick around? How much do you let yourself be damaged by their behaviour before you call it a day? What does it take for them to change? Does it tend to help if you - their friend, SO, or whatever the relationship may be - leave them behind after explaining that their behaviour is too harmful? Is that a positive motivation?
    My comments are from the other side of the issue - a person wanting and trying to change.

    For a little over 3 months I have been trying to make a few changes for the better (the end of a my engagement was partially due to these factors - improving social awareness, manners (and Fe in general), being more attentive to the wants and needs of others, being less stubborn, being more open and a few other things like that). I have come to the point where I acknowledge that these are things that will make me a better person, so I've convinced myself that no matter the results, they are still good things to work toward, but having support and feedback from the person that brought those flaws to me attention is something I see as very valuable and important. when I feel like I'm lacking that support and feedback, my motivation diminishes - I want to know if I'm making progress that is noticeable or not, but I also recognize that a person can act like they are a changed person and it can be hard to tell the difference between someone who is genuinely a changed person (which is an internal change in how one perceives things and reacts to them) or simply changing on the surface to appease someone so it can be very difficult to give that feedback I desire. What I'm not sure about is how much of the changes I have made will be permanent or if I will be prone to reverting to my old ways if I continue to feel unsupported in the effort (the feeling that my efforts don't really matter and don't make a difference to the person that matters to me). In my case I feel like I have made progress in changing my perceptions and outlook on a number of things, but I still feel like I have a ways to go before the changes really become instinctual rather than conscious decisions.

    My questions in this regard are...

    How does one convey the sincerity of their desire to change?
    How does one prove that the changes one have made are from the heart and not just acting?
    (keys2cognition) Fi (47.6), Ne (36.8), Fe (36.8), Si (31.6), Ti (29.7), Ni (27.4), Te (17.2) Se (12.5) - subject to change - last updated 11JAN2012
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  7. #27
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    from the other side of things a bit:

    sometimes you realize that you're headed the wrong way and you're making bad decisions and harming those around you and you genuinely WANT to change, but every time you try something happens and you keep getting dragged back into that... you can even genuinely WANT to change and know that you have to but at the same time you feel that you CAN'T escape- change is hard, very, very hard... people CAN change though

    I'd take promises of the sort as empty until I see results though... I made enough and fell through on them before to know all about that
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  8. #28
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Every drug addict I have met has told me they want to give up drugs, but they just need a little time, a little help and a little money.

    After a while I realised I was being had. But the saddest thing was to see the loving parents suckered in time and time again and never able to say no.

  9. #29
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    ^but they CAN change... you just have to be careful... not even addicts want to be addicts
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  10. #30
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    People with serious psychological issues, harmful patterns of behaviour, etc, which affect themselves and those around them... It's so easy to say that you will change. Doing it is another thing.

    In your experience, with the people who say "I'll change...I know I can do this...you'll see, I can change. If you just stick around a bit longer you'll see I will change." Do they usually end up changing? How long do you stick around? How much do you let yourself be damaged by their behaviour before you call it a day? What does it take for them to change? Does it tend to help if you - their friend, SO, or whatever the relationship may be - leave them behind after explaining that their behaviour is too harmful? Is that a positive motivation?
    It sounds a bit exhausting. I don't usually give up easily but once in a while I've run into people who after trying for some period of time, I just can't deal with anymore. There was one a couple years ago that was extremely emotionally reactive, delusional in her thinking, exhibited constant self-aggrandizing behavior, thinking the worst of others motivations, devious, etc. I'm sure she suffered from some kind of mental illness. I tried really hard to get along with her and help her but in the end found that the best strategy was to stay as far away from her as possible. She was like cancer. Everyone I talked to thought she was wacked so I wasn't the only person. Eventually, she was fired which we were all thankful for. Some people who are really messed up are just better to stay away from. In your case, it sounds like an underlying medical condition may be at the root of it but to some extent, you do have to operate from the mode of self preservation.

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