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  1. #1
    Senior Member TenebrousReflection's Avatar
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    Default Apology preferences?

    The Regret Vs Remorse thread got me thinking about the different ways we apologize for things and the possible problems that can occur in communication if we value different things in an apology and I recalled reading about apology preferences before, so I tracked down the site that had that information.

    The question essentialy is what is important to you in an apology.

    http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-...es-of-apology/


    You can either read the list and see what fits for you, or take a test they have on the site.

    As several of you have pointed out, the test questions and answers might not be for everyone, but looking at the descriptions one or two of those will probably stand out as preferences

    These were my test results.

    10 - Expressing Regret
    03 - Accepting Responsibility
    03 - Making Restitution
    03 - Genuinely Repenting
    01 - Requesting Forgiveness

    For myself, I want an apology (either when I'm giving or receiving) to acknowledge the emotional distress that was caused, express regret over the incident, and to express desire to talk about it in more detail to figure out why it happened, why it caused a problem, and what approach is best for moving forward.

    I'm curious if there is a correlation between MBTI or Enneagram type and apology preferences. One thing I am very interested in is how important (or un-important) the concept of forgiveness is compared to how religious one is - are the words and concepts of forgiveness universal, or are they specific to Christianity.

    I consider myself to be "spiritual but not religious". I tend to appreciate it when someone asks for forgiveness, but I see the concept as a Christian one, so I'm not as comfortable actually asking for forgiveness unless I know I'm apologizing to someone that is a Christian (I'm a bit concerned that using those words might offend atheists and non-christian religions), but I think I may be making a false association there, so I want to know if others see it as similar to me or not.
    Last edited by TenebrousReflection; 01-11-2012 at 04:36 PM.
    (keys2cognition) Fi (47.6), Ne (36.8), Fe (36.8), Si (31.6), Ti (29.7), Ni (27.4), Te (17.2) Se (12.5) - subject to change - last updated 11JAN2012
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  2. #2
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    Default

    5 Expressing Regret
    4 Accepting Responsibility
    5 Making Restitution
    3 Genuinely Repenting
    3 Requesting Forgiveness


    I admit that I do not like it when someone says "can you forgive me?" that is my least favorite. I can forgive, absolutely.. but it is only when I feel forgiveness, and that can take time to process for me. I don't like being put on the spot to make a decision with my feelings. Something like "Do you think we can move past this?" following a regret expression is usually better. Also not big on the whole repenting thing, it's not like I want someone to suffer or berate themself long term.. i just want to be validated, see the other party take responsibility and provide restitution if it is possible. These are the ways I apologize as well.
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

  3. #3
    Member mikamickmac's Avatar
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    Default

    I had to give up only 5 questions in - I felt like vomiting! All the options were so "F"ing soppy!
    I=76%, N=77%, T=79%, P=77%; or
    I=68%, N=84%, T=68%, P=89% (Comprehensive Report)
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  4. #4
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Questions and answers were sort of in need of um.... getting used to but.... anyways

    5 Expressing Regret
    6 Accepting Responsibility
    4 Making Restitution
    4 Genuinely Repenting
    1 Requesting Forgiveness

  5. #5
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Very interesting thread.

    3 Expressing Regret
    3 Accepting Responsibility
    8 Making Restitution
    6 Genuinely Repenting
    0 Requesting Forgiveness

    If it's not a close relationship, I'm fine with just an "I'm sorry". That will be good enough but in my close relationships, like what we evaluated in the questionnaire I seem to value action more. Not for the sake of making someone suffer or pay but because I'm not crazy about being repeatedly offended. Restitution (if they offer it) to me shows that they really mean it and I mean something to them, and this is especially true if it's not an easy fix restitution.

    I realize that forgiveness takes more time for some people though. I have a friend who I wronged some years ago and afterwards, I wanted her forgiveness so I tried several of these methods with her but she wouldn't forgive me at the time, even though we were still friends. It took time, a couple of years, of just me being around her and on good behavior (lol) to gain forgiveness and trust again. So yeah for some people it just takes time and not continuing to be offensive. That sort of thing works for me too if you have wronged me and I have pretty much given up on you. Over time I will forgive and forget if you are a sweetheart and not offensive. I'm telling all my secrets now.

  6. #6

    Default

    I think I just cycle accepting responsibility and requesting forgiveness.

  7. #7
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    not really surprising...

    10 Expressing Regret
    10 Accepting Responsibility
    0 Making Restitution
    0 Genuinely Repenting
    0 Requesting Forgiveness

    I think what matters the most to me is the violator:

    - Being able to understand and articulate what the violation was / how and why I was hurt by it.
    - Taking ownership of the behavior.

    It shows understanding, empathy, and learning. It also matches up with my sense of independence; I don't really need them to do something for ME to make the situation better, I want them to improve as an individual and become better, and both of those actions are part of the inner work an individual does and within the scope of an individual's control, rather than necessarily needing my participation.

    Quote Originally Posted by mikamickmac View Post
    I had to give up only 5 questions in - I felt like vomiting! All the options were so "F"ing soppy!
    I doubt they're sorry.
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  8. #8
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    I think a lot of people don't care about or want apologies at all if they have been offended. It's no coincidence that these also happen to be the same people who have trouble apologizing to others for offending them. I'd be curious what people like this do want instead.

  9. #9
    Let me count the ways Betty Blue's Avatar
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    Your Scores
    4 Expressing Regret
    5 Accepting Responsibility
    4 Making Restitution
    7 Genuinely Repenting
    0 Requesting Forgiveness


    Genuinely Repenting

    You have chosen Genuinely Repenting as your primary Apology Language. You are most able to forgive someone who offends you when they are willing to change in order to avoid hurting you again.

    Fairly even on the others but as you can see i require no Hail Mary's from those who have sinned against me.
    "We knew he was someone who had a tragic flaw, that's where his greatness came from"

  10. #10
    Honor Thy Inferior Such Irony's Avatar
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    Expressing Regret 6

    Accepting Responsibility 3

    Making Restitution 7

    Genuinely Repenting 4

    Requesting Forgiveness 0


    I almost gave up midway through because the options kind of all sounded alike to me. The only one that's not as preferable is just requesting forgiveness because there isn't as much of a sense that the person truly sees the implications of their behavior and that the behavior will be avoided in the future.
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