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  1. #31
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Still letting everything sit in my head here as I ponder it, there are lots of good comments in this thread; but as far as my part goes, I just realized that I very much trust my intuition / sense of people to tell me what their intentions are (I think I can detect inconsistency and duplicity in their response). Because of this, I don't really need the external signs as a sign of proof -- I don't need to control or demand anything -- if i sense the heart is right and wants to make amends. So that frees me up to be more flexible in my forgiveness.

    I also can think of a few times where I would refuse to accept an apology because I knew the person either didn't mean it or would not commit to actually following through on their good intentions, and that was intolerable; or where I turned away a gift because I felt like I was being placated or "bought out" rather than the person giving me something out of remorse and with intent to improve.

    I remember complaining about my roommate a few weeks ago, because I was feeling that way -- many many slights, let-downs, disappointments, etc., where she did not live up to her side of the friendship, and stupid little signals (like hugging me and saying she loved me, or buying me a meal) did nothing to improve my bad feelings because I felt as if I were being purchased without any intent to change or true exploration of the problems. When she finally did have the courage to ask me why I was upset and face my potential anger, and she apologized on her own for some of the things without making excuses or justifying her failures, then I felt better.... as if she finally realized what she had done and why I was so hurt, and I do know that she doesn't meant to hurt me.

    However, like I think Fia said, while I have forgiven her for those things she showed awareness of and apologized for, I still can't make myself as vulnerable because -- while her intentions are good -- I believe she still isn't quite trustworthy due to her willingness to sacrifice what I need for what she wants, at times. When she wants something for herself, she just can't bring herself to say "no" even if it is at someone else's expense. I just sense her heart is still focused on herself in some ways.
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  2. #32
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    7 Expressing Regret
    6 Accepting Responsibility
    4 Making Restitution
    3 Genuinely Repenting
    0 Requesting Forgiveness

    I don't think that I was off-the-charts strong in any one, because the examples in the test were so situational. The 'expressing regret' mode was preferable in several scenarios, but in other scenarios that sort of apology was more distasteful to me and seemed to miss the mark as to the heart of the particular matter and impact/repercussions the matter had on me or on a deliverable.
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  3. #33
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    However, like I think Fia said, while I have forgiven her for those things she showed awareness of and apologized for, I still can't make myself as vulnerable because -- while her intentions are good -- I believe she still isn't quite trustworthy due to her willingness to sacrifice what I need for what she wants, at times. When she wants something for herself, she just can't bring herself to say "no" even if it is at someone else's expense. I just sense her heart is still focused on herself in some ways.
    That sounds like an especially difficult scenario because the words and actions are out of sync which makes trust confusing and the let downs more fresh. As I was thinking about examples from my experience, I'd have to say that except for close relationships in which conflict resolution with apologies and forgiveness are always worked out, I don't think people often apologize. My interactions with people are limited to my close relationships of very few people and then interactions at work. I don't typically have casual friends, and so I can see for the most part my answers were hypothetical because of this, but there are a few instances where I would have preferred an apology and change of behavior. I still distance myself when someone crosses a line, but I think of it a bit like if I were working with hyenas where people are acting according to their nature which may be safe or unsafe for me. There is one part of me that is distanced beyond judgment of them, but if I am connected in a personal way then I tend to need mutual trust that is really reliable.
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  4. #34
    Senior Member Porcelain Hearts's Avatar
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    Woah that took so much mental energy and introspection to complete that test... *drained*

    8 Expressing Regret
    7 Accepting Responsibility
    2 Making Restitution
    3 Genuinely Repenting
    0 Requesting Forgiveness

    It's interesting when I was analysing why I chose my answers, they were based on real people scenarios. I connected my mother to what she found hardest to do which was accepting responsibility, my brother's hardest time to express regret, etc. so it's biased to what's unexpected of the individual for me. Same thinking for past experiences with an ex whom exhausted regret yet continued to hurt me (because of him, 2 pts to restitution). That's how I've learned when it's really genuine. It becomes dependent on the person..

  5. #35
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    I think most people don't apologize at all and so any kind of apology is 100x better than none regardless as to what kind. Maybe that is why I don't have much of a preference for what kind.

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  6. #36
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    I think most people don't apologize at all and so any kind of apology is 100x better than none regardless as to what kind. Maybe that is why I don't have much of a preference for what kind.
    Not if the apology did not mean much or anything to the person apologizing. I rather take no apology than an apology that is empty.

  7. #37
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rail Tracer View Post
    Not if the apology did not mean much or anything to the person apologizing. I rather take no apology than an apology that is empty.
    That's a judgment though the basis of which is not always so easily discerned, relating to another person's underlying motivations and sincerity.

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  8. #38
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    That's a judgment though the basis of which is not always so easily discerned, relating to another person's underlying motivations and sincerity.
    Depends on situation and what has happened thus far.

    A person saying sorry without knowing what he/she did is like saying I'm sorry just because....whatever.

  9. #39
    From the Undertow CuriousFeeling's Avatar
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    5 Expressing Regret
    9 Accepting Responsibility
    4 Making Restitution
    2 Genuinely Repenting
    0 Requesting Forgiveness

    You have chosen Accepting Responsibility as your primary Apology Language. What you are looking for in an apology is maturity. You most want to hear the offending party say, I was wrong and I take responsibility for my actions.
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  10. #40
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    I prefer to apologize in whatever way makes me feel free to admit that I was a dumbass or hardass, or whatever it is that I was.

    If I get a sense that the other person is going to be judgmental, then I'll bare less of the soul. .. unless I feel like I truly deserve to be bared and judged, that is. I know I deserve something. Basically, I would ideally want to communicate that I know I was wrong and receive fair 'punishment,' and no more.

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