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  1. #21
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AphroditeGoneAwry View Post
    I think an apology is almost completely for the apologizer, versus the apologizee.....and therefore it matters not so much how someone apologizes, but that they do it sincerely, because it can be very healing for them, and also bring an intensity and catharsis to relating with another person.
    Yeah I agree except it's healing for me too if I am the apologizee.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    This is a very good point. When answering the test questions, I found I preferred apologies in which the person offers to correct the situation or prevent its recurrence, but almost as often I looked for those that indicated the person had learned from the experience. They are related in that it is easier to fix something if you understand it, but this also ties to the healing you mention.
    Yes, I feel this way too. I'm very forgiving and patient but if I get to the point where I feel like someone is incapable of fixing an intolerable situation anymore, then I usually don't care about an apology anymore and I'd rather just not deal with them anymore.

  2. #22
    Senior Member TenebrousReflection's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly
    I think a lot of people don't care about or want apologies at all if they have been offended. It's no coincidence that these also happen to be the same people who have trouble apologizing to others for offending them. I'd be curious what people like this do want instead.
    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis
    I probably fit into this category. It is not so much that I don't want an apology, but rather that I seldom feel offended. I just don't take many things personally. The flip side of this is that if I offend someone else, I might not realize it at all, and therefore have no idea that I should apologize. So, your observation is correct, but perhaps with different reasons underlying it.
    I'm a lot like that as well. If I realize I've offended someone I feel bad and want to apologize for it, but sometimes I offend without realizing it, and those same things would be very unlikely to offend me if the situation were flipped.

    Quote Originally Posted by pinkgraffiti
    How can you possibly have 3 internal processes, almost tied in importance, as main cognitive functions?

    Not surprising....I just need an apology, that's all:
    Sorry bout that and thanks for pointing it out. Those numbers were from quite a while ago and probably also represented one of my less normal moods . I re-took a different cognitive function test and updated the results.

    Quote Originally Posted by AphroditeGoneAwry
    I think an apology is almost completely for the apologizer, versus the apologizee.....and therefore it matters not so much how someone apologizes, but that they do it sincerely, because it can be very healing for them, and also bring an intensity and catharsis to relating with another person.
    To say that the true value an apology may be to the conscience of the apologizer may have some truth to it, but recieving an apology is also recognition that your feelings are being thought of and I think thats a pretty important part of it as well (at least for me).
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  3. #23
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    I scored relatively highly on the asking forgiveness factor. I figured this is reflected in my need to want to place the relationship in a better place, despite the hurt caused by problems. As the person asking for forgiveness, I do so in hope that the person acknowledges and accepts that the relationship is still healthy. In the reverse situation, a person asking for forgiveness would be someone that is expressing that the relationship to be in a healthier place. Of course, this is all tied nicely to the fact that my love language is words of affirmation and quality time.

    If I no longer care about a relationship or person. Number 5 would not matter so much to me. A person can express guilt over a mistake, they can admit their mistake and even be perfectly capable of stopping such behaviour in the long run, but that doesn't actually say anything about whether they want the relationship to be in a happier place in my mind. Guess it's the reason why some apologies can feel a little empty even if someone says sorry. They're just expressing and experiencing guilt, but it might not be connected at all to the other person who has been hurt.

    Actually I'm not sure anymore. I confused myself somewhere writing all that.

  4. #24
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post
    I scored relatively highly on the asking forgiveness factor. I figured this is reflected in my need to want to place the relationship in a better place, despite the hurt caused by problems. As the person asking for forgiveness, I do so in hope that the person acknowledges and accepts that the relationship is still healthy. In the reverse situation, a person asking for forgiveness would be someone that is expressing that the relationship to be in a healthier place. Of course, this is all tied nicely to the fact that my love language is words of affirmation and quality time.

    If I no longer care about a relationship or person. Number 5 would not matter so much to me. A person can express guilt over a mistake, they can admit their mistake and even be perfectly capable of stopping such behaviour in the long run, but that doesn't actually say anything about whether they want the relationship to be in a happier place in my mind. Guess it's the reason why some apologies can feel a little empty even if someone says sorry. They're just expressing and experiencing guilt, but it might not be connected at all to the other person who has been hurt.

    Actually I'm not sure anymore. I confused myself somewhere writing all that.
    Exactly. The apology is therefore really about (and for) the apologizer, not the apologizee. This is actually what "apology" means:

    Apologetics (from Greek ἀπολογία, "speaking in defense") is the discipline of defending a position (often religious) through the systematic use of reason.
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  5. #25
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Your Scores
    4 Expressing Regret
    4 Accepting Responsibility
    8 Making Restitution
    2 Genuinely Repenting
    2 Requesting Forgiveness

    I also tended to pick the shortest apologies. Some were so extensive and emotionally convoluted that it would almost make me feel like apologizing just to have contributed to such an upheaval. I tend to go into a non-emotional place when dealing with conflict resolution and get direct and simple even to a fault. I think I generally like the idea of simple, direct apologies that make restitution when possible. An emotional apology alone doesn't demonstrate sincerity unless the person bothers to try to fix it. It's too easy to make an emotional display in place of having behavior that demonstrates trust.
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  6. #26
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    It's funny seeing all the differences and also the criticisms of various styles of apology... especially because I greatly respect some of the people in this thread who are critiquing other apology styles in explaining why those styles do not work for them. I appreciate hearing it, so I can better understand the perspective(s) out there.

    I guess the thing for me is that I place a lot of value in understanding the underlying truth of the situation, and being honest enough oneself to understand it... but typically I do not need to demand restitution in order to resolve the situation. It's like they hurt me / wounded me in some way, which was wrong; but my goal is not to have them make things better for me, my goal is for them to become a better person. I feel comfortable with the types of apologies that work for me (expressing regret, accepting responsibility) because it conforms to my goal in the situation: For them to realize what they did wrong, and for them to become better people. I don't need them to do anything for me typically, and often feel kind of unsettled if they do because it's really not about me. I don't know why I am this way; I do know if they get over their issue and become better, it's good for me in the long run and no gift now will be better than that.

    Note the caveats here:

    - if someone is just rattling off some cold assessment of the situation, I can read that, and I know it hasn't motivated them to change and become better, and so I'll still be upset. They might be perceptive, but they're still a flake no matter how one looks at it.

    - if someone says, "i'm responsible," but that doesn't motivate them to change their behavior or do something to show that acceptance of responsibility, then it's garbage. I remember watching presidential debates before the election, where people were "taking responsibility," but you could tell by the context and how they said it and what they did NOT do afterwards (or DID do) that it meant nothing to them, which just made me angry watching them. What did it actually mean to "take responsibility"?

    - as far as what apologies I give to others, I give them what they want if I'm sorry. I might also apologize in the way I prefer, but I know if they need a tangible sign, etc., or reparation, then I will do that because I know it's what they need to feel better and for the relationship to be restored.
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  7. #27
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    5 Genuinely Repenting
    5 Requesting Forgiveness
    4 Expressing Regret
    4 Accepting Responsibility
    2 Making Restitution

    In cased there is any correlation

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    10 Physical Touch
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  8. #28
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I guess the thing for me is that I place a lot of value in understanding the underlying truth of the situation, and being honest enough oneself to understand it... but typically I do not need to demand restitution in order to resolve the situation. It's like they hurt me / wounded me in some way, which was wrong; but my goal is not to have them make things better for me, my goal is for them to become a better person. I feel comfortable with the types of apologies that work for me (expressing regret, accepting responsibility) because it conforms to my goal in the situation: For them to realize what they did wrong, and for them to become better people. I don't need them to do anything for me typically, and often feel kind of unsettled if they do because it's really not about me. I don't know why I am this way; I do know if they get over their issue and become better, it's good for me in the long run and no gift now will be better than that.
    When I speak of restitution, I don't mean doing something extra by means of compensation, or an active gesture. I mean doing what they can to fix what they broke; to clean up the mess they made. As a simple example, if someone loses a book I lent them, they can replace it. If they let me take the blame for their error at work, they can go to the boss and set the record straight.

    Sometimes they can't fix it, though, and more importantly, I want them to learn from the situation so it doesn't happen again. This starts with what you call understanding the underlying truth with honesty. Honest understanding (hopefully) leads to accepting responsibility, wanting to do better, and working to make it so. Yes, it is about the other person learning and growing, but it is about me as well - me in the future, though, not in the past. We can't do anything about what is past, but we can still affect the future. That is all I expect, but I do expect it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    - if someone says, "i'm responsible," but that doesn't motivate them to change their behavior or do something to show that acceptance of responsibility, then it's garbage. I remember watching presidential debates before the election, where people were "taking responsibility," but you could tell by the context and how they said it and what they did NOT do afterwards (or DID do) that it meant nothing to them
    Absolutely. Politicians are masters of this type of empty apology. Actions speak louder than words.
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  9. #29
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    @Jennifer

    I think I've known too many people who weren't willing to accept responsibility in real life, and that is probably the reasoning behind why I'd pick taking responsibility. In most cases, the other person (or I) weren't willing to admit that something was wrong. That, alone, leads to trust issues throughout the spectrum. If the other person wasn't willing to admit it, why should I? Why should I be the one taking responsibility for that person's actions?

    Taking responsibility does need to have some backing but not in the form of making restitution. Making restitution makes me think of "I did something wrong, now take this for my failure." In some ways, it feels like a mockery of the current situation.

    Expressing regret is similar to taking taking responsibility but not quite. I know you regret what you did, but I want you to tell me that you were wrong. You aren't the true victim of your actions.

    Genuinely repenting, although genuine, I can't always see that (note: Taking Responsibility.) I mean, there are people who are sooo good at looking like they are genuinely repenting for what they have done, but they wind up at square one again later.

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  10. #30
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I guess the thing for me is that I place a lot of value in understanding the underlying truth of the situation, and being honest enough oneself to understand it... but typically I do not need to demand restitution in order to resolve the situation. It's like they hurt me / wounded me in some way, which was wrong; but my goal is not to have them make things better for me, my goal is for them to become a better person. I feel comfortable with the types of apologies that work for me (expressing regret, accepting responsibility) because it conforms to my goal in the situation: For them to realize what they did wrong, and for them to become better people. I don't need them to do anything for me typically, and often feel kind of unsettled if they do because it's really not about me. I don't know why I am this way; I do know if they get over their issue and become better, it's good for me in the long run and no gift now will be better than that.
    This is a very kind approach and applies to those harms that can't be fixed.

    I think I get a bit matter-of-fact when it comes to someone harming me. If someone breaks something and doesn't make restitution, then I will be less likely to invite them into a position where they could break the same thing again. I can still like the person, but won't feel like I can relax if they cause problems and don't correct them. I think for myself if I feel badly about something I've done it helps me to correct it. I think that can give people the most complete sense of resolution. I guess I'm not sure what it means to make an apology without any intention of correcting the situation. I'm not sure what that feeling and action is because I don't experience it unless it is embarrassment and avoidance.

    edit: I keep thinking about this thread and your response @Jennifer. I was wondering if equating forgiveness with restitution could be viewed as a withholding attitude - to not extend forgive until the person cleans it up. When I think of it, it is more like picturing someone knocking over and breaking something of mine, saying an apology and just leaving in cases when they had it within their control to make a more meaningful response. That would be genuinely confusing to me - at best amusing and at worst upsetting as though no apology occurred.
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