• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

things do get better... right?

miss fortune

not to be trusted
Joined
Oct 4, 2007
Messages
20,589
Enneagram
827
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I think that I'll be honest for a bit:

I've been a member of this forum for a little over 4 years now, having joined at the beginning of october in 2007. Today is the 5 year anniversary of my having a rather unpleasant mental breakdown... I refused to speak for a little over a week, barely moved from my chair, didn't sleep- you know, the usual shit. After attempting to overdose on sleeping pills and rum the friend who I had considered a little brother drove me to a therapist who kept me well medicated for a few months. I felt like I was suspended in jello, but that was, at the time, better than what I had been feeling.

For the past 5 years I've been trying to figure out who and what I really AM in the aftermath of that... what pieces are me, what pieces are what I'd hoped to be, what pieces are what other people have wanted me to be? I tried to shut my brain off from it's questions by drinking (thankfully I've never enjoyed any of the illegal drugs that I've tried!), but that wasn't the wisest idea. I quit that and found out that a majority of my friends had been drinking buddies, and most of the others I'd either moved away from or alienated with my own antisocial behavior... not that I've ever been one to have many friends in the first place :unsure:

I've moved on and done what I'm supposed to by this stage in life- I've got a job, I've got a significant other, I've got a house and I pay bills and at times I wonder if I'm just going through the motions- I LIKE what I have, don't get me wrong on that, but I kind of wonder if I fell into things just out of expectations from others. To avoid disappointing others. I've started talking to my family again on a weekly basis... something that I'd cut out in order to avoid disappointing them- I was enough of a disappointment to myself that I was convinced that they would disown me if they heard anything about my life. I've been desperate, I've done bad things that nobody who is close to me knows about still. I learned that if I stick with my lies they somehow become true.

I've worked on being good lately- trying to make amends with the world, trying to give back to humanity to make up for the things that I've done. I have respect at what I do, I have a wonderful and supportive boyfriend and my family actually seems to like me. I'm still not sure who I am- where I end and the mask begins- for goodness sake, I just randomly picked a type to be on the site :laugh:

In the end, things do get better though... this is for any of you who are lost- things do turn around... it's slow and you feel like you're muddling through, but you get into the territory of "better" bit by bit :hug:

ok... that was icky enough to type that I think I shall take a shower :peepwall:
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
WOW.

Amazing post, Whatevs!

:solidarity:

I don't care what you say, you're an ESTP and that's final. :newwink:

:hug:

I think it's great that you summarized your journey as you did.
Many, many people have experiences like this in their own lives.
I know it took me years and years to try and figure out what it was "I wanted to do" instead of what I was expected to do, should be doing, should never do in order not to disappoint whoever, etc.

Only recently, in the past year really, have I snipped the final threads of other people's expectations of me.
I still have no idea what the hell is going to become of it, but I'm comfortable with not having to bust my ass for things I don't value or understand.

I'd like to thank you for your ever helpful attitude, your kind demeanor, and your non-pretentious outlook on life.
I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts here and I've enjoyed every little sidebar conversation we've had along the way of my 2-3 years here.
Thank you, for you!

I hope that you are happy and healthy, and I hope that you always get what you wish out of life.
Take care of yourself, you're a gem.

:hifive:

-Alex
 

King sns

New member
Joined
Nov 4, 2008
Messages
6,714
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
This is refreshingly honest, I loved reading it.

In my own experience, doing the "right thing" is kind of a building block- it's like, going through the motions, doing what you're supposed to do because you don't really know what you want to do yet. It does have a lot of value at the time, in that it gives you the safety and security so that your mind can explore what it is you will really need out of life. I think it will just get better and better from here.

You seem like you have things "figured out" more than most middle aged people around, which is awesome. I think a lot of people tend to stay in the "shoulds" and "expectations" zone forever without giving it a second thought. It's the sad reality.


(I seriously should adopt that last line as my motto and start my own television show- "The Sad Reality Show!" With your host- Shortnsweet!- Always ending with a moral and me saying, "It's the sad reality.")
 

miss fortune

not to be trusted
Joined
Oct 4, 2007
Messages
20,589
Enneagram
827
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
what still amuses me is that in the 6 months leading up to that I'd broken up with my fiance after walking in on him in bed with a good friend and had been the victim of a violent crime (I've talked about it once or twice on the site... maybe once in real life)... I'd really thought that I was handling everything remarkably well until I totaled my car and completely snapped... really? totaling my car?!? :rofl1:

but yeah... every day is a step away from the past and towards figuring things out- I, for one, don't look at aging as a bad thing :)
 

King sns

New member
Joined
Nov 4, 2008
Messages
6,714
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
what still amuses me is that in the 6 months leading up to that I'd broken up with my fiance after walking in on him in bed with a good friend and had been the victim of a violent crime (I've talked about it once or twice on the site... maybe once in real life)... I'd really thought that I was handling everything remarkably well until I totaled my car and completely snapped... really? totaling my car?!? :rofl1:

but yeah... every day is a step away from the past and towards figuring things out- I, for one, don't look at aging as a bad thing :)

Yeah, it's like [MENTION=5684]Elfboy[/MENTION] said once, being young isn't always that great. Really though, you could have snapped over something even more minor at that point, like running out of gas or not making it to the bank on time. That's how traumas run, I think. Anyway, :hug: I'm really glad things are getting better.
 

Lark

Active member
Joined
Jun 21, 2009
Messages
29,569
Course they get better.

I have experienced those suspiscions about whether or not you're on the right course or just going through the motions a couple of times, depending on whether or not you're religious you could see it as God, spiritual underpinnings, the cosmos seeking to get you on track with your destiny again. Or simply your internal existential angst seeking your self-accounting if you're more philosophical.

Its a good thing I think, on the other hand I think stoics have a lot to say which is good about life and Bertrand Russell, among others, was right to suggest you need a variety of absorbing diversions or interests besides yourself, he and Orwell hit on being politically engaged as one avenue which people did not use so much in their day, even less so now.
 

Jaguar

Active member
Joined
May 5, 2007
Messages
20,647
what still amuses me is that in the 6 months leading up to that I'd broken up with my fiance after walking in on him in bed with a good friend and had been the victim of a violent crime

Life can bend you in 172 directions, but it won't break you.

Cheers, buddy. :hug:
 

LadyJaye

Scream down the boulevard
Joined
Nov 6, 2007
Messages
2,062
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I have nothing pithy to say. Just words from the heart. I admire you so much, your strength and resilience, how you choose to live intelligently and look for meaning in your life. Please know that I adore you.
 

kyuuei

Emperor/Dictator
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
13,964
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
8
Nothing is more awesome than the grit of reality, to me.
 

miss fortune

not to be trusted
Joined
Oct 4, 2007
Messages
20,589
Enneagram
827
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
(I seriously should adopt that last line as my motto and start my own television show- "The Sad Reality Show!" With your host- Shortnsweet!- Always ending with a moral and me saying, "It's the sad reality.")

+

Nothing is more awesome than the grit of reality, to me.

=

new reality show on lifetime? :holy:
 

xisnotx

Permabanned
Joined
Sep 24, 2010
Messages
2,144
Surprisingly, I can relate to a lot of the op. Particularly the mental breakdown part. I went a couple months refusing to talk to anyone..it was school then bed. No talking, nothing. Also the drug thing..(though mine wasn't alcohol). Hmm..

I guess I already knew that it was bound to turn around. I've been in some dark places mentally...any change would have been an improvement.

I'm at the stage of trying to figure out the job thing. Once thats settled, I guess it will be time to start a family of my own. This thought is actually more soothing than alarming..
 

lunalum

Super Senior Member
Joined
Dec 20, 2008
Messages
2,706
MBTI Type
ZNTP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
But where do I find the awesomeness of the grit of reality? I know things get better but it's like everything is covered in this grit and I don't see how it's so awesome right now...

A new reality show? But then the thought of that itself really isn't really reality grit, is it? ;)
 

miss fortune

not to be trusted
Joined
Oct 4, 2007
Messages
20,589
Enneagram
827
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
by just counting what's gotten more awesome than it was? :huh:

I have no fucking clue who I am, I still feel that I NEED a drink from time to time and I hate christmas, but it's all better than it was in the past- it's a step forward even though everything isn't perfect by any means :)

and the movie Ringmaster TOTALLY illustrates the oddness of reality television as in fiction/"reality"
 

kyuuei

Emperor/Dictator
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
13,964
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
8
But where do I find the awesomeness of the grit of reality? I know things get better but it's like everything is covered in this grit and I don't see how it's so awesome right now...

A new reality show? But then the thought of that itself really isn't really reality grit, is it? ;)

:laugh: You ever work on something.. where you felt outside of your league with it, and you struggled and when you were done you were like, "Omg.. I just did that. WHOO!!.. ... I'm never, EVER doing that again. Ever!"

That's the grit.
 

Beargryllz

New member
Joined
Jun 7, 2010
Messages
2,719
MBTI Type
INTP
Are you happier now?

This would answer the question posted in the thread title
 

miss fortune

not to be trusted
Joined
Oct 4, 2007
Messages
20,589
Enneagram
827
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
question for everyone... this thread isn't just for me :)
 

Beargryllz

New member
Joined
Jun 7, 2010
Messages
2,719
MBTI Type
INTP
Things get better or worse

An individual has a great deal of influence over these two possibilities

The stronger you are, the more influence you have
 

ICUP

New member
Joined
Apr 26, 2011
Messages
1,787
MBTI Type
ISTP
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I have no fucking clue who I am, I still feel that I NEED a drink from time to time and I hate christmas, but it's all better than it was in the past- it's a step forward even though everything isn't perfect by any means :)

Unfortunately, it never is. :cry: I can totally relate to your story. Take care of yourself. ;)
 

Betty Blue

Let me count the ways
Joined
Jan 19, 2010
Messages
5,063
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7W6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I too returneth from the dead.
Once upon a time things were very bad indeed, they got worse, i nearly died several times over.
This seemed to be a very dark place in which only bad things ever happened and it became worse and worse, just as i thought things possibly couldn't get any worse, they did.
I spent several years in a place hithertoo unknown to most of mankind.
Somewhewre between the dead and the insane.
But yes to look at my life now, completely different.
I am so very grateful for the life i have now.
I feel truely blessed, i love all that i have and shall not take it for granted.
/end
 

VagrantFarce

Active member
Joined
Nov 19, 2008
Messages
1,558
I'm also just coming out of a long, resentful period of my life. I've since learned that the only thing you can ever really do is to be as positive and constructive as you can at any given moment. To fall away from this simple axiom (which I have very easily in the past) has been the true root of all my unhappiness. But sticking to it in the face of everything you experience reaps great rewards.

Looking back, it's kind of incredible how many excuses I made for myself, and how I let other people prop up those excuses for me. Oh well, live and learn, keep moving forward. :)
 
Top