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  1. #1
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    Smile things do get better... right?

    I think that I'll be honest for a bit:

    I've been a member of this forum for a little over 4 years now, having joined at the beginning of october in 2007. Today is the 5 year anniversary of my having a rather unpleasant mental breakdown... I refused to speak for a little over a week, barely moved from my chair, didn't sleep- you know, the usual shit. After attempting to overdose on sleeping pills and rum the friend who I had considered a little brother drove me to a therapist who kept me well medicated for a few months. I felt like I was suspended in jello, but that was, at the time, better than what I had been feeling.

    For the past 5 years I've been trying to figure out who and what I really AM in the aftermath of that... what pieces are me, what pieces are what I'd hoped to be, what pieces are what other people have wanted me to be? I tried to shut my brain off from it's questions by drinking (thankfully I've never enjoyed any of the illegal drugs that I've tried!), but that wasn't the wisest idea. I quit that and found out that a majority of my friends had been drinking buddies, and most of the others I'd either moved away from or alienated with my own antisocial behavior... not that I've ever been one to have many friends in the first place

    I've moved on and done what I'm supposed to by this stage in life- I've got a job, I've got a significant other, I've got a house and I pay bills and at times I wonder if I'm just going through the motions- I LIKE what I have, don't get me wrong on that, but I kind of wonder if I fell into things just out of expectations from others. To avoid disappointing others. I've started talking to my family again on a weekly basis... something that I'd cut out in order to avoid disappointing them- I was enough of a disappointment to myself that I was convinced that they would disown me if they heard anything about my life. I've been desperate, I've done bad things that nobody who is close to me knows about still. I learned that if I stick with my lies they somehow become true.

    I've worked on being good lately- trying to make amends with the world, trying to give back to humanity to make up for the things that I've done. I have respect at what I do, I have a wonderful and supportive boyfriend and my family actually seems to like me. I'm still not sure who I am- where I end and the mask begins- for goodness sake, I just randomly picked a type to be on the site

    In the end, things do get better though... this is for any of you who are lost- things do turn around... it's slow and you feel like you're muddling through, but you get into the territory of "better" bit by bit

    ok... that was icky enough to type that I think I shall take a shower
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  2. #2
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    WOW.

    Amazing post, Whatevs!



    I don't care what you say, you're an ESTP and that's final.



    I think it's great that you summarized your journey as you did.
    Many, many people have experiences like this in their own lives.
    I know it took me years and years to try and figure out what it was "I wanted to do" instead of what I was expected to do, should be doing, should never do in order not to disappoint whoever, etc.

    Only recently, in the past year really, have I snipped the final threads of other people's expectations of me.
    I still have no idea what the hell is going to become of it, but I'm comfortable with not having to bust my ass for things I don't value or understand.

    I'd like to thank you for your ever helpful attitude, your kind demeanor, and your non-pretentious outlook on life.
    I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts here and I've enjoyed every little sidebar conversation we've had along the way of my 2-3 years here.
    Thank you, for you!

    I hope that you are happy and healthy, and I hope that you always get what you wish out of life.
    Take care of yourself, you're a gem.



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  3. #3
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    This is refreshingly honest, I loved reading it.

    In my own experience, doing the "right thing" is kind of a building block- it's like, going through the motions, doing what you're supposed to do because you don't really know what you want to do yet. It does have a lot of value at the time, in that it gives you the safety and security so that your mind can explore what it is you will really need out of life. I think it will just get better and better from here.

    You seem like you have things "figured out" more than most middle aged people around, which is awesome. I think a lot of people tend to stay in the "shoulds" and "expectations" zone forever without giving it a second thought. It's the sad reality.


    (I seriously should adopt that last line as my motto and start my own television show- "The Sad Reality Show!" With your host- Shortnsweet!- Always ending with a moral and me saying, "It's the sad reality.")
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

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  4. #4
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    what still amuses me is that in the 6 months leading up to that I'd broken up with my fiance after walking in on him in bed with a good friend and had been the victim of a violent crime (I've talked about it once or twice on the site... maybe once in real life)... I'd really thought that I was handling everything remarkably well until I totaled my car and completely snapped... really? totaling my car?!?

    but yeah... every day is a step away from the past and towards figuring things out- I, for one, don't look at aging as a bad thing
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  5. #5
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    what still amuses me is that in the 6 months leading up to that I'd broken up with my fiance after walking in on him in bed with a good friend and had been the victim of a violent crime (I've talked about it once or twice on the site... maybe once in real life)... I'd really thought that I was handling everything remarkably well until I totaled my car and completely snapped... really? totaling my car?!?

    but yeah... every day is a step away from the past and towards figuring things out- I, for one, don't look at aging as a bad thing
    Yeah, it's like @Elfboy said once, being young isn't always that great. Really though, you could have snapped over something even more minor at that point, like running out of gas or not making it to the bank on time. That's how traumas run, I think. Anyway, I'm really glad things are getting better.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  6. #6

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    Course they get better.

    I have experienced those suspiscions about whether or not you're on the right course or just going through the motions a couple of times, depending on whether or not you're religious you could see it as God, spiritual underpinnings, the cosmos seeking to get you on track with your destiny again. Or simply your internal existential angst seeking your self-accounting if you're more philosophical.

    Its a good thing I think, on the other hand I think stoics have a lot to say which is good about life and Bertrand Russell, among others, was right to suggest you need a variety of absorbing diversions or interests besides yourself, he and Orwell hit on being politically engaged as one avenue which people did not use so much in their day, even less so now.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Jaguar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    what still amuses me is that in the 6 months leading up to that I'd broken up with my fiance after walking in on him in bed with a good friend and had been the victim of a violent crime
    Life can bend you in 172 directions, but it won't break you.

    Cheers, buddy.

  8. #8
    Scream down the boulevard LadyJaye's Avatar
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    I have nothing pithy to say. Just words from the heart. I admire you so much, your strength and resilience, how you choose to live intelligently and look for meaning in your life. Please know that I adore you.
    7w6 so/sx

    " The bird of paradise alights only on the hand that does not grasp." - John Berry

  9. #9
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Nothing is more awesome than the grit of reality, to me.
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
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  10. #10
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    (I seriously should adopt that last line as my motto and start my own television show- "The Sad Reality Show!" With your host- Shortnsweet!- Always ending with a moral and me saying, "It's the sad reality.")
    +

    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    Nothing is more awesome than the grit of reality, to me.
    =

    new reality show on lifetime?
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

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