I think that I'll be honest for a bit:
I've been a member of this forum for a little over 4 years now, having joined at the beginning of october in 2007. Today is the 5 year anniversary of my having a rather unpleasant mental breakdown... I refused to speak for a little over a week, barely moved from my chair, didn't sleep- you know, the usual shit. After attempting to overdose on sleeping pills and rum the friend who I had considered a little brother drove me to a therapist who kept me well medicated for a few months. I felt like I was suspended in jello, but that was, at the time, better than what I had been feeling.
For the past 5 years I've been trying to figure out who and what I really AM in the aftermath of that... what pieces are me, what pieces are what I'd hoped to be, what pieces are what other people have wanted me to be? I tried to shut my brain off from it's questions by drinking (thankfully I've never enjoyed any of the illegal drugs that I've tried!), but that wasn't the wisest idea. I quit that and found out that a majority of my friends had been drinking buddies, and most of the others I'd either moved away from or alienated with my own antisocial behavior... not that I've ever been one to have many friends in the first place
I've moved on and done what I'm supposed to by this stage in life- I've got a job, I've got a significant other, I've got a house and I pay bills and at times I wonder if I'm just going through the motions- I LIKE what I have, don't get me wrong on that, but I kind of wonder if I fell into things just out of expectations from others. To avoid disappointing others. I've started talking to my family again on a weekly basis... something that I'd cut out in order to avoid disappointing them- I was enough of a disappointment to myself that I was convinced that they would disown me if they heard anything about my life. I've been desperate, I've done bad things that nobody who is close to me knows about still. I learned that if I stick with my lies they somehow become true.
I've worked on being good lately- trying to make amends with the world, trying to give back to humanity to make up for the things that I've done. I have respect at what I do, I have a wonderful and supportive boyfriend and my family actually seems to like me. I'm still not sure who I am- where I end and the mask begins- for goodness sake, I just randomly picked a type to be on the site
In the end, things do get better though... this is for any of you who are lost- things do turn around... it's slow and you feel like you're muddling through, but you get into the territory of "better" bit by bit
ok... that was icky enough to type that I think I shall take a shower