Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
I think that I'll be honest for a bit:

I've been a member of this forum for a little over 4 years now, having joined at the beginning of october in 2007. Today is the 5 year anniversary of my having a rather unpleasant mental breakdown... I refused to speak for a little over a week, barely moved from my chair, didn't sleep- you know, the usual shit. After attempting to overdose on sleeping pills and rum the friend who I had considered a little brother drove me to a therapist who kept me well medicated for a few months. I felt like I was suspended in jello, but that was, at the time, better than what I had been feeling.

For the past 5 years I've been trying to figure out who and what I really AM in the aftermath of that... what pieces are me, what pieces are what I'd hoped to be, what pieces are what other people have wanted me to be? I tried to shut my brain off from it's questions by drinking (thankfully I've never enjoyed any of the illegal drugs that I've tried!), but that wasn't the wisest idea. I quit that and found out that a majority of my friends had been drinking buddies, and most of the others I'd either moved away from or alienated with my own antisocial behavior... not that I've ever been one to have many friends in the first place

I've moved on and done what I'm supposed to by this stage in life- I've got a job, I've got a significant other, I've got a house and I pay bills and at times I wonder if I'm just going through the motions- I LIKE what I have, don't get me wrong on that, but I kind of wonder if I fell into things just out of expectations from others. To avoid disappointing others. I've started talking to my family again on a weekly basis... something that I'd cut out in order to avoid disappointing them- I was enough of a disappointment to myself that I was convinced that they would disown me if they heard anything about my life. I've been desperate, I've done bad things that nobody who is close to me knows about still. I learned that if I stick with my lies they somehow become true.

I've worked on being good lately- trying to make amends with the world, trying to give back to humanity to make up for the things that I've done. I have respect at what I do, I have a wonderful and supportive boyfriend and my family actually seems to like me. I'm still not sure who I am- where I end and the mask begins- for goodness sake, I just randomly picked a type to be on the site

In the end, things do get better though... this is for any of you who are lost- things do turn around... it's slow and you feel like you're muddling through, but you get into the territory of "better" bit by bit

ok... that was icky enough to type that I think I shall take a shower
I figured that your thoughts, which were similiar for me, maybe the moment for people our age, when we somehow grow up or like my gf says it: have a level up. I have achieved a lot for myself as well the past years and still I am questioning myself, by giving me other mbti types and that way hoping to find something to settle with and be happy with. The key motivation from which all this self-search related stuff started for me was me not knowing my place in the World and being unhappy with the person I was (drugs alcohol all massively). And nowadays, about 5 years later, I have achieved everything I was looking for but somehow shaking off that old feeling never seemed to work for me. On the contrary this quest for self for identity was the one thing that fueled my endeavours and kept me from throwing myself in front of a train.

So I am basically now at the first finish line of my life but I havent shaken off the bad feeling that got me here.

For about a year I figured by engaging myself in hobbies that really intrest me, a lot of the energy I had spare (which is a lot) and which I subconciously devoted to the quest of self, now goes into the hobbies and that has been a way to relieve myself. Still I am not sure what to do with the bad feeling.

My conclusion so far is that ignoring it or telling myself that I should be thankful for what I have now is the wrong way. I think that I inherit a certain melancholy which is part of my personality and which I need to attend to at times and which I need to let out at times. For that I so far, one time a year got heavily drunk and lamented over my existance to then on the next day start freshly again having let all those negatives out. I dont know if you suffer from that as well and I actually dont think this is an illness, I rather think that the constant need to question your situation is the one and true thing that lets you grow that lets you level up.

This is the true ability of a dominant perceiver, who will never stagnate, but he will always grow and better himself. Nobody tho, who is not a dom p, does understand that this, your greatest talent, is also your greatest burden of your existance and little to none people as well do understand that every talent in an individualistic society like ours, does always mean paying a price for it; cause an individualistic society needs to operate on a common denominator to function at all and that means that mavericks will have an advantage and a disadvantage at the same time, giving the perspective you look at them.

I wish you the best and can only tell you, if you want to have a beer, you know where to find me.