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  1. #71
    Anew Leaf
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    @CzeCze. No problem at all!

    Relationship with kids:
    Oldest one: pretty bad. She blames him for the divorce and hates his new wife. He offers to help her with things, and she ignores him... Then complains he doesn't help her, lol. On the surface she has the same outward fake niceness to people in our family that her mother employed. But occasionally you see this super angry side emerge from deep down... It's creepy. She just got married the weekend before thanksgiving. Their wedding was originally in January, but it got moved up (gee, wonder why). She was furious at her dad telling people she was pregnant (duh) and denied it until after her wedding when suddenly she was "recently" pregnant. She is already wearing maternity clothing, and is trying to pretend the due date is mid June or later. We were given just under 3 weeks notice for her wedding and she got angry that our aunt was going to have problems attending since she had plans for that weekend already. Then our grandparents got an invitation with no address in it, and our ENTJ 91 year old surly grandfather said he wasn't going because of that. (he also just didn't want to go ). So in punishment she cut the rest of our family out of family photos. (not really punishment in my mind!). It's just stupid and melodramatic and something her mom would do. It's everyone's fault but hers.

    Youngest daughter: they used to have a good relationship. But being left alone with her mom and being home schooled... Is having an affect on her. I think she's an INFP to begin with, and 17 and having a crazy mom.... It's not too surrpising that she is almost catatonic. I'm pretty sure her mom is using her as a pawn to try and guilt my uncle into extending alimony and child support past her senior year of highschool. It's just sad to watch. At family events, she sits off to the side, not smiling or talking. If you talk to her, she will say nothing and just sit there. I'm hoping once she goes away to college that she is able to break out of her shell a bit.

    And no I don't think you are dragging him over the coals. It's nothing I haven't done myself. For me, the major red flag would have been "she punched her pregnant belly"... Time to book it out of here... Not wait 22 years and four kids later.

    The scary part is that while my uncle changed the locks on his house (my dad insisted on that), his daughters have keys, and he never uses his security alarm in case they need to come over... So I have a bit of concern that his ex will come over some night when the alimony has run out, and do something to them. We've spoken to him about this and he thinks we're being silly. I say, better to put the alarm on and have it go off if your daughter came over... Then the alternative. Especially since they live in the boonies and their yards are so big, I don't think a neighbor would possibly hear anything.

    BPD people are like wolves in sheepskin.

  2. #72
    morose bourgeoisie
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    This is just a question about BPD, if anyone knows:

    Is one of the signs/symptoms a major/heightened/abnormal sensitivity to sounds and touch? I know that this can go along with depression (in some cases anyway, and I think I read that it was particularly common in teenagers with depression) but am not sure about BPD.
    Sound sensitivity is a sign of PTSD. it often accompanies BPD.

  3. #73
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    And no I don't think you are dragging him over the coals. It's nothing I haven't done myself. For me, the major red flag would have been "she punched her pregnant belly"... Time to book it out of here... Not wait 22 years and four kids later.
    Exactly! I was totally floored that your uncle would have another child with her after that, let alone 2. The dysfunctionals and the enablers always find one another. It's eerie.

    I feel bad for all the children, you really can't blame them no matter how they turn out. With parents like that their doom was sealed from birth. I wonder if the older daughter has a strange heightened sensitivity to appearances partly due to knowing in a vague way how kookoo her family is.

    The scary part is that while my uncle changed the locks on his house (my dad insisted on that), his daughters have keys, and he never uses his security alarm in case they need to come over... So I have a bit of concern that his ex will come over some night when the alimony has run out, and do something to them. We've spoken to him about this and he thinks we're being silly. I say, better to put the alarm on and have it go off if your daughter came over... Then the alternative. Especially since they live in the boonies and their yards are so big, I don't think a neighbor would possibly hear anything.
    I think your uncle sounds like he is still in denial about things, including his own culpability. I'm surprised his daughters still come and see him. But even with dysfunction, neglect, and/or abuse the child's need to bond with their parent is incredibly strong, perhaps stronger because they need approval and/or a safe haven. Right now the whole family is still in denial.

    I think your uncle's karma is going to include many years of extremely turbulent and distressing altercations with his children who vacillate between feeling affection for him and being unholy pissed at his crappy parenting. I can't say I blame them. They are either going to find ways to punish him for the rest of their lives and/or disengage. It sounds like his eldest daughter is already on that path and probably wants to punish the entire extended family to some extent for failing her. On some level, she feels resentment for the extended family members who were in a position to intervene and probably blames them unconsciously or consciously for the free floating rage she now has to carry around. So something like "I'm not coming to your wedding" on top of her childhood is a table flipping screaming banshee moment. I'm not surprised her wedding didn't go smoothly. That rage is a gift from her family. I kinda shudder thinking about the years in store for her.

    You know, one of my friends bought another friend couples' therapy as a wedding present... I doubt that would go over well with your cousin but...seems apt here.

    I have another friend who came from some extraordinary abuse and dysfunction in the home and though she loves her mother dearly now that she is married and has children of her own she realizes she needs to minimize contact with her mom. Having children of her own stirred up a lot of anger and probably rage at her mother for allowing so much abuse to happen to her and her siblings. So she keeps a safe distance now. There will probably be more conversations in the future. Actually confronting and addressing these things with the people involved and ideally coming to a point of acknowledgement/forgiveness is the only way to move past the dysfunction. I feel so bad for your cousins that they are stuck in the grips of it still. Without intervention it's going to be years before the younger one even realizes what's hit her and can put a name to things.

    It's amazing how 1 person's problem essentially fireballs into generations worth of grief.

    BPD people are like wolves in sheepskin.
    Did the ex-wife ever say *why* she wanted to kill your uncle? I'm curious about her own family (parents, siblings) now.

    I had no idea BPD was considered dangerous to others. I only thought people with BPD were dangers to themselves and caused a lot of emotional turmoil in their relationships.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  4. #74
    Senior Member Rex's Avatar
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    Epic derailment:
    wierd memory work->Tamagochi->tetris->Starcraft2->thugs->Chess->german techno->Love parade->disaster->death..
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1wH2...eature=related

  5. #75
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    I get this confused with bipolar disorder.

    I think a lot of people are crazy in some way or another.

    The ones that concern me the most are schizophrenics and psycho/sociopaths.

  6. #76
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nebbykoo View Post
    Sound sensitivity is a sign of PTSD. it often accompanies BPD.
    Yes. I have PTSD and sound sensitivity but not BPD.

  7. #77
    Senior Member ICUP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    Yes. I have PTSD and sound sensitivity but not BPD.
    How did you get PTSD? (Just curious, if you want to tell your story.)
    ISTP 6w5 sx/sp
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  8. #78

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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    This seems to be the pattern in much/most of what I read online in people's experiences. They even described how the woman (usually) would be crazily sexual to begin with but then became "frigid" later.
    The way I understand it to be is that BPD is just unthinkably extreme emotionalism. The accounts where sexuality and the sexualness of the PD'd are a focal point are of a different PD, called HPD.

    The reason for the confusion is because HPD carries like 90% of BPD's symptoms, but the two disorders are concerned with distinctly different core issues (for example, to nutshell: BPD fears being alone period, HPD has low self-esteem at their core and is centered around acquiring acceptance from others infinitely to boost their self-esteem).

  9. #79
    Senior Member ICUP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by crack View Post
    The way I understand it to be is that BPD is just unthinkably extreme emotionalism. The accounts where sexuality and the sexualness of the PD'd are a focal point are of a different PD, called HPD.

    The reason for the confusion is because HPD carries like 90% of BPD's symptoms, but the two disorders are concerned with distinctly different core issues (for example, to nutshell: BPD fears being alone period, HPD has low self-esteem at their core and is centered around acquiring acceptance from others infinitely to boost their self-esteem).
    HPD seems to be much more outgoing than bpd. I'm thinking 2. Think Pam Anderson.

    The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines histrionic personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:[5]

    A pervasive pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

    is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention
    interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior
    displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions
    consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self
    has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail
    shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion
    is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances
    considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are.

    It is a requirement of DSM-IV that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria.
    [edit] ICD-10


    BPD's I think can be highly sexual. They aren't necessarily theatrical and exaggerated, and many are introverts and cutters. Sexually promiscuous people do not have to be attention-seeking.
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  10. #80

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    Quote Originally Posted by ICUP View Post
    HPD seems to be much more outgoing than bpd. I'm thinking 2.

    The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines histrionic personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:[5]

    A pervasive pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

    is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention
    interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior
    displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions
    consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self
    has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail
    shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion
    is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances
    considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are.

    It is a requirement of DSM-IV that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria.
    [edit] ICD-10


    BPD's I think can be highly sexual. They aren't necessarily theatrical and exaggerated, and many are introverts and cutters. Sexually promiscuous people do not have to be attention-seeking.
    I'm sorry, I don't think I was being clear. I wasn't saying pure BPD's can't be sexual (or highly sexual), but commenting that I think a vast, vast majority of those reports of BPD's being highly sexual are actually HPD cases.

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