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  1. #1
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Default The people who try the hardest to offer help get the most flak

    This tends to be the case, doesn't it? The closer you are to the person in need and the harder you try, the more likely you are to get the full force of ingratitude (if the person you're dealing with is the ungrateful type.)

    My grandmother was a pretty unhappy individual for the last 15 years of her life. My dad and one of his sisters lived fairly close to her, while my other aunt lived far away. My aunt who lived close by was the one who put in the most time and effort with my grandmother - and it was the faraway aunt who got the most praise from my grandmother, while nothing my close-by aunt did was really good enough.

    This disturbed/depressed teenager I've been trying to support for more than a year reminds me of that too. Thankfully, I've stepped away a lot and she is giving me more space so it's been a lot better in that regard. But it kind of fascinates me how she'll project the full force of her self-loathing and resentment at me when she's feeling that way. And I'll get told how much I've hurt her feelings (walking on eggshells doesn't even begin to describe it), how she resents everything I enjoy in life because she doesn't have all those things and more...etc. I don't actually think I'm even a real person to her, in some ways. I'm a sort of...archetype that she both resents and wants to emulate. It's completely bizarre.

    I guess this is a sort of "hurting the ones you love the most" thing? I do understand that the closer you are to someone, the more potential there is for hurting their feelings. But acting like the person who's doing the most for you is never ever ever going to be good enough - that I find harder to understand. I have experienced and witnessed so many situations like that, though.
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  2. #2
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    My opinion is that people are where they are because they want to be. That said, it's their life and choice.

  3. #3

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    Familiarity breeds contempt. People are more open with those closest to them, that cuts both ways.

  4. #4
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Yep. I don't believe that everyone is this way though, but if I see a pattern of contempt or resentment I just back off. I'm not Jesus Christ.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Jaguar's Avatar
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    Not my experience at all.

  6. #6
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaguar View Post
    Not my experience at all.
    Do you think you've either chosen well or had good luck as far as who you help out?
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  7. #7
    Glycerine
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    Well, sometimes people don't want to be helped so the ones who try to help the most are in a sense, imposing their will onto them and resentment (ingratitude) occurs. They will be grateful once they are ready to accept help and face their problems.... it's a pointless endeavor until then.

  8. #8
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glycerine View Post
    Well, sometimes people don't want to be helped so the ones who try to help the most are in a sense, imposing their will onto them and resentment (ingratitude) occurs. They will be grateful once they are ready to accept help and face their problems.... it's a pointless endeavor until then.
    Very good point...didn't really think of it like that before. Not in those words anyway.
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  9. #9
    Senior Member Jaguar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Do you think you've either chosen well or had good luck as far as who you help out?
    Your situation comes across as draining, whereas I see helping people— whom I may, or may not, know — as problem solving. Then I move on. I have never dealt with anyone who would even think of giving me flak for solving the problem. Maybe since I don't see helping people as an emotional investment, I don't get wacky emotional responses. It seems pretty much like common sense to me: You help someone out and they do not give you shit. Now watch - after writing this, some nut will give me shit for helping them out. Lol.

  10. #10
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaguar View Post
    Your situation comes across as draining, whereas I see helping people— whom I may, or may not, know — as problem solving. Then I move on. I have never dealt with anyone who would even think of giving me flak for solving the problem. Maybe since I don't see helping people as an emotional investment, I don't get wacky emotional responses. It seems pretty much like common sense to me: You help someone out and they do not give you shit.
    +1

    My modus operandi exactly.

    Long past are the days when I tried to "help" people (complete strangers that is) beyond what can be done in a single act of assistance.
    I've helped alot of people in need in my life. I always help the elderly. I donate $50 per month to a non-profit children's hospital. Outside of that I handle people that I cross paths with on a case by case basis.

    As far as people lashing out at you for trying to help them, this is actually very indicative of people experiencing an acute generalized anxiety disorder. I've lived through that, and wondered day in and day out why I was the fucking villain. It really baffled me. At some point I had enough, and told the person "OK, it's one thing for you to be pissed at the world, but it's another matter entirely to be pissed at me. I'm the one consistent, good person who makes an effort to look after you. I refuse to allow you to blame all your problems on me. If that is how you feel then you and I have no further need to interact. Be civil, or be silent." They apologized and immediately backed off that platform. Guess what? Four months later they called me and informed me that their psychiatrist diagnosed them with generalized anxiety disorder, and that blaming me for their problems was a coping mechanism for trying to handle a panic attack of epic proportions. It wasn't ME, it was the fact that I was PRESENT. At that point they became a new person, because they understood what was going on in their head, and were working with a professional to learn to handle it. I think that's great. But, I am not going to be anyone's emotional whipping post.

    It sounds like your young friend has some things she needs to work out in her head, and with a professional, before she'll figure out the error of her feelings toward you. Until then, I'd be supportive "from a distance." What good does it do you OR her, if you make a bunch of effort to help her, and she is not in a position to want it, or be able to appreciate it? It's a bad experience for all parties involved. You can't fix people's problems. If you try to, they will hate you for it, I've seen this many times. Plus, there are some really nasty, unhealthy/sick individuals out there who play "victim complex," or "doormat," or any other games they can to bring misery into thier lives so they can complain to other people about it, and be emotional vampires. People like this sicken me. They are "baby sociopaths." I tell them to go fuck themselves.



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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaguar View Post
    Now watch - after writing this, some nut will give me shit for helping them out. Lol.
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