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  1. #1
    The Eighth Colour Octarine's Avatar
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    Default Uncertainty and Romantic attraction

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...tic-attraction

    It is almost taken for granted in social psychology that attraction entails an element of reciprocity: In a "much-ado-about-nothing" way, learning that someone is attracted to us, makes us feel more attracted to them. Coming to know that a person likes us, increases our liking for them. And finding somebody to be interested in us, makes them more interesting to us also.
    But the research found:

    Women were more attracted to men when there was only a 50% chance that the men liked them the best than when there was a 100% chance that the men liked them the best."
    In conclusion, women are irrational when judging suitability of mates based on Facebook profiles. No?

  2. #2
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    I think there's something to this. Personally - on one hand, in recent years (basically not since I was a teenager) I haven't been particularly attracted to anyone who has shown no interest in me at all. I mean, maybe a very fleeting attraction but it would die off when they're not showing any interest at all. My attraction to another person has grown when they've shown interest.

    On the other hand: I hate to admit it, but also in recent years, most of the people I've been seriously attracted to have sent me a lot of mixed messages; interest alternating with disinterest, mainly. (This is either within an actual relationship, or when contemplating a potential relationship.) They have tended to be people who can't or won't show CONSISTENT interest, although the interest may have been pretty intense when they've chosen to show it.

    I'm aware that the above is unhealthy though (definitely shows insecurity on their part and probably on mine, as well) and am trying to move away from it. Unfortunately it also tends to suggest that there is something to PUA techniques.

    Not sure if that directly addresses the question though...
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  3. #3
    The Eighth Colour Octarine's Avatar
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    The hypothesis is that uncertainty leads to more thoughts/considerations about possibilities about that person. Which is to say we fabricate any potential attraction that others may have for us in our imaginations.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Eckhart's Avatar
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    Why didn't they test both genders? Would be interesting to see if there is a difference.

  5. #5
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catbert View Post
    The hypothesis is that uncertainty leads to more thoughts/considerations about possibilities about that person. Which is to say we fabricate any potential attraction that others may have for us in our imaginations.
    I think the first part of what you've said here is definitely true (ie. you start speculating more about all the possibilities.) But I would question whether it's usually the case that ALL the potential attraction that others have for us is in our imaginations. Unless we are all really self-delusional all the time, I do think there's something to picking up vibes, and so on.

    However, one of my best friends has a take on this which is a bit more like what youv'e said above, I think. She basically said that she thinks "vibes" and thinking the other person is attracted to you really are all in your head. I said "but what if it turns out you are both feeling that way and picking up 'vibes'?" She said "well, that means there really is something between you, then. But you're not actually picking up vibes from the other person - it's all in your head because you want to be attracted to them, and for them to be attracted to you."
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  6. #6
    The Eighth Colour Octarine's Avatar
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    Oh I meant that we fabricate it in when there is an absence of actual experience/knowledge.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eckhart View Post
    Why didn't they test both genders? Would be interesting to see if there is a difference.
    Indeed.

  7. #7
    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
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    I think the PUAs work on the assumption that mixed signals indicate to the woman that, while romance is possible, he's a bit out of her league. Which makes her want him more. Because if it's too easy then she could probably do better. If it's not that easy then she's probably nearing the ceiling of what is attainable for her. The closer to the ceiling, the higher the quality of mate.

  8. #8
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    In the attraction stage of things, which is initially, nothing makes my blood run cold faster than if a guy I like seems uninterested. I guess I just enjoy mutual attraction most and am not that much of a masochist. There is nothing romantic or sexy to me about things being one-sided. Like @SilkRoad said, where it starts getting hairy is if a guy has already convinced you that he's interested and then changes gears and acts disinterested. Basically a push-pull deal. I know PUA teaches this but it's modeled after something real that can occur.

    I do think JJJ is onto something though. A lot of women believe that even if a guy isn't initially interested, she could probably get him to be interested.

    Me? I know that having that attitude is like playing with fire.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Pinker85's Avatar
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    Much like a frozen yogurt dispenser's cold smooth orifices, I prefer consistency. I'm attracted to guys that are stable and definitely interested in me. Of course, what it takes for me to consider a guy "definitely interested" are a few glances; the way he crumpled his napkin while I was watching him from across the street after four consecutive days of intense scrutinizing of his behavior from such places as the bushes, the air ventilation shaft, and hidden in the rubbish can in the men's bathroom of Arby's; and of course that he scratched his nose with his left hand although he's right handed. I have noticed I tend to date guys that are extremely talented and what I consider pretty good looking but only if ugly duckling syndrome was so entrenched as to make them believe I was a "catch". haha. Those dumb schmucks. So maybe the key here is to date people that were beaten as children?

  10. #10
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    I read in the news once that the "falling in love" stage differs from the "in love for many years" stage only by adding an element of anxiety. In other words, that heady rush where you feel head over heels is a result of good love + anxiety. I suppose if you are absolutely sure the guy likes you then there is no anxiety, and therefore, there is no head over heels feeling. I think also, when anyone shows too much interest, the other person starts to wonder if they could do better. We all want someone that we could get, but not too easily.

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