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Forgiving people

prplchknz

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Personally I can't forgive people if they don't know I'm mad at them, but as soon as they know I'm very forgiving. So what's your forgiveness style?
 

Silveresque

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Personally I can't forgive people if they don't know I'm mad at them, but as soon as they know I'm very forgiving. So what's your forgiveness style?

I forgive everyone whether they realize I'm mad at them or not, because it's virtually impossible for me to stay angry at anyone for any length of time...but I probably end up repressing a lot of anger without even realizing it.
 

SilkRoad

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Personally I can't forgive people if they don't know I'm mad at them, but as soon as they know I'm very forgiving. So what's your forgiveness style?

I kind of know what you're getting at there and it may apply to me in some ways.

I forgive pretty much everything up to a point...a lot of stuff is like water of a duck's back and I just don't see the point in getting annoyed about it. However, although I would hate to think I'm a score-keeper, I think I do have the INFJ tendency to build up a big picture and if someone wrongs me repeatedly or violates my values repeatedly in certain ways, I will build up that picture. If someone wrongs me in a way I find difficult to forgive, I will build up a lot of stuff into a grand picture of what cruel, thoughtless asses they are.

I do have rare situations where I am virtually unable to forgive and can hold onto grudges for years. It's damaging, but it's a fact. If the person comes back and apologises I will almost certainly forgive them completely but it does depend on the circumstances.

I don't deliberately hold onto anger and would much rather find myself eventually in a place of indifference toward that person. However, I have a feeling that sometimes I hold onto anger and resentment in a sort of defensive way, although it damages me too. The thing is, it's sort of like - if I have really loved and cared about someone and then come to a place where I need to remove them from my life, I would rather dislike and distrust them, because otherwise I will go on loving them and will regret their loss. I think it's something like that.
 

ceecee

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I don't actually understand the concept of "forgiveness" and how it is suppose to relieve you of some burden, as the forgiver, having never felt burdened to begin with. I feel offended when people tell me that I should forgive and if I don't I'm the one with the problem. They makes it sounds like *I* should take responsibility the whole thing because of an action I don't feel I need to do.

People always know when I am mad at them or I have an issue with something they have done. It's never a question of them not knowing.
 

gromit

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Mostly I just forget about stuff bit then occasionally people do things so harmful I cannot forget it and have to treat them with wariness.
 

pinkgraffiti

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I can get very angry but the moment I hear an apology or sense the other person understood they behaved wrongly, I forgive immediately. So i'm different from you, prplchknz, in that it's not the people that have to understand that I'm angry, but me that has to understand that people are sorry.
 

Mitsuko Souma

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Forgiveness to another is easy however forgiveness to yourself is always a challenge for me at least.
 

EJCC

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Here's what needs to happen in order for me to forgive someone:

1) I have to have calmed down, and not be actively angry at them anymore
2) I have to either recognize that they will never change (i.e. that they will always do the thing that made me mad*), or see that they have changed for the better
3) I have to know WHY they did what they did, and
4) They have to be sorry for what they did. Ideally I can find this out without confronting them, but there has to be closure somehow -- otherwise I'll always wonder if they felt bad about it or not.

I have yet to forgive someone who wronged me many, many years ago, because #3 and #4 haven't been fulfilled. I can guess at #3, but I can never know for sure.

*Actually, if I find out that they are compulsively that way, then I forgive them almost immediately. It means that it isn't personal, and they couldn't help it.
 

entropie

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Here's what needs to happen in order for me to forgive someone:

1) I have to have calmed down, and not be actively angry at them anymore
2) I have to either recognize that they will never change (i.e. that they will always do the thing that made me mad*), or see that they have changed for the better
3) I have to know WHY they did what they did, and
4) They have to be sorry for what they did. Ideally I can find this out without confronting them, but there has to be closure somehow -- otherwise I'll always wonder if they felt bad about it or not.

I have yet to forgive someone who wronged me many, many years ago, because #3 and #4 haven't been fulfilled. I can guess at #3, but I can never know for sure.

*Actually, if I find out that they are compulsively that way, then I forgive them almost immediately. It means that it isn't personal, and they couldn't help it.

Would you remember that list, if I had eaten it ?
 

EJCC

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Would you remember that list, if I had eaten it ?
Yup! :)

Let's say my head is the "My Documents" folder. I went in and selected a document, copied it, then pasted the copy onto the desktop (TypeC). The original copy is still in "My Documents". :yes:
 

entropie

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Yup! :)

Let's say my head is the "My Documents" folder. I went in and selected a document, copied it, then pasted the copy onto the desktop (TypeC). The original copy is still in "My Documents". :yes:

damn fucking straight that's actually sexy. I tho regretfully have to inform you that your bureaucratic mind would attract a lot of german people, tho prolly no normal people. So you maybe better think twice if you dont just name "My Documents" into "EJCC's diary" or so, something to attract the masses :D
 

EJCC

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damn fucking straight that's actually sexy. I tho regretfully have to inform you that your bureaucratic mind would attract a lot of german people, tho prolly no normal people. So you maybe better think twice if you dont just name "My Documents" into "EJCC's diary" or so, something to attract the masses :D
Leave it to the engineer to think that my Windows OS metaphor is sexy! :laugh: Of course, I know how you feel about ESTJ women, so there is that too. :yes:

I'm okay attracting Germans. ;) I won't rename "My Documents", though -- I'd like to stay mysterious.
 

redcheerio

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It takes a lot to make me angry, so that doesn't leave me with much that needs forgiving.

It probably helps that I'm good at detecting good-hearted people vs people that can't be trusted, so I just put up boundaries around people I don't trust, and that usually does the trick.

It's usually when I start noticing that someone seems to be deliberately trying to hurt me, over and over again, that I start getting angry. But before I get angry, first I am puzzled, and try being nice to them to see if they'll stop. Then I get frustrated if that doesn't work, and keep questioning myself whether I'm imagining it or not.

By the time I'm not questioning myself anymore and am completely frustrated with them for being such an asshole to me, without knowing what I did to deserve it, I am seething with anger bordering on hatred.

This has happened twice in my life now, both in the workplace. Neither of these people has apologized to me. Luckily, I don't have to see either of them anymore. One of them I've pretty much forgotten about, and the other I've gotten to the stage that I can usually think of him without getting angry, but not always.

I'm pretty sure I would feel a lot better if they acknowledged it and apologized to me, and might even be able to forgive them. They both seem pretty self-righteous, though.
 
G

Ginkgo

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Forgiveness doesn't typically happen over night if you hold a strong grudge. It's probably something one has to struggle with time and time again; unforgiveness is just as, if not more, suffocating than whatever spited you in the first place.
 

OrangeAppled

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It depends on the situation. If it's minor, then I just move on, no need for an apology or to express forgiveness. Our actions will show that it's a closed matter. This is what happens in 99% of my conflicts with people. Most of the time, there is no one person to blame for anything, so any talk on the matter is seeking a mutual resolution to protect the needs of both people, not one person bestowing forgiveness on the other. Forgiveness in these cases is a sort of closure to a deal stating "we both regret certain past actions & have agreed to act X way in the future for the benefit of both of us".

If it's a serious issue & I feel I am the wronged party, then I tell the person why I am upset with them (if they don't already know why). I do like to know WHY they did what they did, but the reason doesn't necessarily temper the hurt (excuses can make it worse). Their attitude is what will determine whether I can forgive them or not. If they show no remorse, give no assurance they will not repeat the same mistake (or at least try their best not to), and have no interest in repairing the relationship, then I don't forgive them & the relationship is now severed. If the grievance is repeated to a point where any apologies ring hollow or if the relationship seems past repair, then it may be severed with or without forgiveness or any talk on the matter. That situation is usually dragged out over a period of time; I don't cut people off easily.

Once a relationship ends, forgiving someone seems sort of moot to me. I just seek to move on & put them out of mind. To me, forgiveness is about building/repairing bridges with people, and there's no point in that if you desire no further connection with them.

This is generally how I work...there are no hard & fast rules for stuff like this.
 

Tiltyred

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I don't actually understand the concept of "forgiveness" and how it is suppose to relieve you of some burden, as the forgiver, having never felt burdened to begin with. I feel offended when people tell me that I should forgive and if I don't I'm the one with the problem. They makes it sounds like *I* should take responsibility the whole thing because of an action I don't feel I need to do.

People always know when I am mad at them or I have an issue with something they have done. It's never a question of them not knowing.

Eggzackry.
 

wolfy

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Doesn't it go forgive but don't forget? Which I take to mean stop carrying around the emotional burden but remember the event.
 

Tiltyred

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If I remember the event, the feelings come right with it, at least for several years.
 

entropie

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How is it possible to remember the event but stop carrying the emotional burden then ?
 
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