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  1. #1
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Default Forgiving people

    Personally I can't forgive people if they don't know I'm mad at them, but as soon as they know I'm very forgiving. So what's your forgiveness style?
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    i dunno what else to say so

  2. #2
    Senior Member Silveresque's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    Personally I can't forgive people if they don't know I'm mad at them, but as soon as they know I'm very forgiving. So what's your forgiveness style?
    I forgive everyone whether they realize I'm mad at them or not, because it's virtually impossible for me to stay angry at anyone for any length of time...but I probably end up repressing a lot of anger without even realizing it.

  3. #3
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    Personally I can't forgive people if they don't know I'm mad at them, but as soon as they know I'm very forgiving. So what's your forgiveness style?
    I kind of know what you're getting at there and it may apply to me in some ways.

    I forgive pretty much everything up to a point...a lot of stuff is like water of a duck's back and I just don't see the point in getting annoyed about it. However, although I would hate to think I'm a score-keeper, I think I do have the INFJ tendency to build up a big picture and if someone wrongs me repeatedly or violates my values repeatedly in certain ways, I will build up that picture. If someone wrongs me in a way I find difficult to forgive, I will build up a lot of stuff into a grand picture of what cruel, thoughtless asses they are.

    I do have rare situations where I am virtually unable to forgive and can hold onto grudges for years. It's damaging, but it's a fact. If the person comes back and apologises I will almost certainly forgive them completely but it does depend on the circumstances.

    I don't deliberately hold onto anger and would much rather find myself eventually in a place of indifference toward that person. However, I have a feeling that sometimes I hold onto anger and resentment in a sort of defensive way, although it damages me too. The thing is, it's sort of like - if I have really loved and cared about someone and then come to a place where I need to remove them from my life, I would rather dislike and distrust them, because otherwise I will go on loving them and will regret their loss. I think it's something like that.
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    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    I don't actually understand the concept of "forgiveness" and how it is suppose to relieve you of some burden, as the forgiver, having never felt burdened to begin with. I feel offended when people tell me that I should forgive and if I don't I'm the one with the problem. They makes it sounds like *I* should take responsibility the whole thing because of an action I don't feel I need to do.

    People always know when I am mad at them or I have an issue with something they have done. It's never a question of them not knowing.
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  5. #5
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Mostly I just forget about stuff bit then occasionally people do things so harmful I cannot forget it and have to treat them with wariness.
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  6. #6
    Senior Member pinkgraffiti's Avatar
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    I can get very angry but the moment I hear an apology or sense the other person understood they behaved wrongly, I forgive immediately. So i'm different from you, prplchknz, in that it's not the people that have to understand that I'm angry, but me that has to understand that people are sorry.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Mitsuko Souma's Avatar
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    Forgiveness to another is easy however forgiveness to yourself is always a challenge for me at least.

  8. #8
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    Here's what needs to happen in order for me to forgive someone:

    1) I have to have calmed down, and not be actively angry at them anymore
    2) I have to either recognize that they will never change (i.e. that they will always do the thing that made me mad*), or see that they have changed for the better
    3) I have to know WHY they did what they did, and
    4) They have to be sorry for what they did. Ideally I can find this out without confronting them, but there has to be closure somehow -- otherwise I'll always wonder if they felt bad about it or not.

    I have yet to forgive someone who wronged me many, many years ago, because #3 and #4 haven't been fulfilled. I can guess at #3, but I can never know for sure.

    *Actually, if I find out that they are compulsively that way, then I forgive them almost immediately. It means that it isn't personal, and they couldn't help it.
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  9. #9
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    Here's what needs to happen in order for me to forgive someone:

    1) I have to have calmed down, and not be actively angry at them anymore
    2) I have to either recognize that they will never change (i.e. that they will always do the thing that made me mad*), or see that they have changed for the better
    3) I have to know WHY they did what they did, and
    4) They have to be sorry for what they did. Ideally I can find this out without confronting them, but there has to be closure somehow -- otherwise I'll always wonder if they felt bad about it or not.

    I have yet to forgive someone who wronged me many, many years ago, because #3 and #4 haven't been fulfilled. I can guess at #3, but I can never know for sure.

    *Actually, if I find out that they are compulsively that way, then I forgive them almost immediately. It means that it isn't personal, and they couldn't help it.
    Would you remember that list, if I had eaten it ?
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  10. #10
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    Would you remember that list, if I had eaten it ?
    Yup!

    Let's say my head is the "My Documents" folder. I went in and selected a document, copied it, then pasted the copy onto the desktop (TypeC). The original copy is still in "My Documents".
    ~ g e t f e s t i v e ! ~


    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"



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    want to ask me something? go for it!

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