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Thread: Forgiving people

  1. #31
    Resident Apple Hoarder Array Kriash's Avatar
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    Mar 2010


    I am almost too forgiving. Sometimes it is hard for me to draw a line as to where to quit haha.
    I think there really aren't too many things I won't forgive for, especially if it is the first time. Obviously when people start repeating the same behaviors that I have forgiven them for in the past, I start to want to forgive them less. Even if I stop talking to someone because of what they have done- I still keep my distance, but I forgive them in my mind at least.

  2. #32


    I have to neutralize an issue that has bothered me in order to get over it. (It has to be something pretty big for it to bother me). I can let it go if someone apologizes or if I confront someone or with it eventually fading over time.

    Most difficult situation for me is when there is no apology and I don't get to confront a person. That's happened a few times when a third party has asked me not to engage in order to spare them some drama. I'm not always able to go along with that. But I've been in some situations where I could have retaliated in a way that would ruin a person's life and sometimes it's enough for me to know that. Especially if I know that they know. That's just perfect. I really prefer to neutralize things rather than pour fuel on a fire.

  3. #33
    On a mission Array Usehername's Avatar
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    May 2007


    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    But I don't have an emotional burden. This is the part I can't get across to people. I don't forgive, I don't forget. Maybe my version of forgiveness is just apathy but either way, I don't feel weighed down by it. *shrug*
    Is it that their fuckup led to you seeing them as a lesser form of human life? I sometimes wonder if this is why I don't feel resentment.

    If I'm angry at someone, it means I expect better from them. And I will hold that anger for as long as it takes to hold them accountable to the standards I expect in my personal circles. Then it disappears when they right their wrong or make some real effort to grow and deal with their human flaws.

    If I'm apathetic it means I basically think they're incompetent at being a decent human being, or that I can't see them getting their shit together enough to do some real self-reflective analysis, which is just sad.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  4. #34


    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    I don't actually understand the concept of "forgiveness" and how it is suppose to relieve you of some burden, as the forgiver, having never felt burdened to begin with. I feel offended when people tell me that I should forgive and if I don't I'm the one with the problem. They makes it sounds like *I* should take responsibility the whole thing because of an action I don't feel I need to do.

    People always know when I am mad at them or I have an issue with something they have done. It's never a question of them not knowing.
    Forgiveness isn't about owning up to someone else's actions. It's about owning up to your opinion of someone else's actions and ultimately figuring out why you hold that opinion. If you can't do that then your resentment will stalk you, perhaps effecting you long after the other person forgot their transgression(s). Easy solution? Be honest with yourself and others about your thoughts on others conduct. It's like a confession and a warning rolled into one. It doesn't have to take the form of vengeance, which is what people tend to associate resentment with.

    If someone thinks you ought to never be mad... then... well they're not exactly being realistic to put it lightly.

  5. #35
    Writing... Array Tamske's Avatar
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    Oct 2009


    I can forgive others easily. Almost always I see why things are actually my fault. I try not to speak about those feelings, as they contradict reality and I don't want to appear as a self-pitying wreck. But I actually have to think things through to be able to put fault with someone beside myself. Of course, once I've made that step, I find it hard to forgive. Then the other one has to realize spontaneously his/her fault and apologize. I don't remember I ever asked an apology.
    If there are circumstances to blame, things are easier.
    Got questions? Ask an ENTP!
    I'm female. I just can't draw women

  6. #36
    Senior Member Array
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    Aug 2010


    Depends. It's based on patterns of behaviour. There's a point where I write people off if their negative pattern continues manifesting. As for stewing over resentment, not for long if at all. A waste of time where in my opinion, damages me since it's a waste of energy that could be put to better use.

  7. #37
    lab rat extraordinaire Array CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    Oct 2008
    5w4 sx/sp


    Some people, I don't necessarily forgive, I just let go. I'm pretty tolerant though. Mostly I forgive, but you will be held at a distance.
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

  8. #38
    Senior Member Array Saslou's Avatar
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    Feb 2009


    I forgive after i've had time to work through my feelings and process everything. Holding a grudge against someone is so draining and not good for me. I don't think that makes me a pushover as i can see through the eyes of the other person and see their pain, their hurt and i soften. I think it's easier to forgive someone else than to forgive yourself. Meh.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  9. #39
    Mr. Blue Array entropie's Avatar
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    Apr 2008
    3w2 so


    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    Remember my checklist?

    Well I actually meant: how is it possible to remember the event without carrieing the emotional burden ?
    Johari / Nohari

    "How dreadful!" cried Lord Henry. "I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect."
    ~ Oscar Wilde - The picture of Dorian Gray

  10. #40
    hyggelig Array EJCC's Avatar
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    Aug 2008
    173 so/sx


    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    But I don't have an emotional burden. This is the part I can't get across to people. I don't forgive, I don't forget. Maybe my version of forgiveness is just apathy but either way, I don't feel weighed down by it. *shrug*
    That's how I am too. I guess I call it forgiveness if I stop caring, since lack of forgiveness involves an emotional burden.

    Just to double-check my definitions: Google defines "forgive" as
    Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
    So yeah, I think you have been forgiving people.

    And on that note:
    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    Well I actually meant: how is it possible to remember the event without carrieing the emotional burden ?
    Same thing! Forgiveness = letting go of the burden. Moving to the "acceptance" stage of the Five Stages of Grudge-Induced Grief.
    and it's nice enough to
    make a man
    weep, but I don't
    weep, do

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