sometimes I see people with really high self-esteem and they amaze me. Like their self-esteem is so high that they actually seek out people and situations that they think could take them down a peg or two. Seriously, this is attractive and stimulating to them.
Hmmmm. Are you witnessing high self-esteem, or hypomania?
Or a person with high self-esteem experiencing an episode of hypomania?
I have no shortage of self-esteem, but I am not a trouble seeking fool either.
When challenges present themselves, I rise to the occasion, but I do not seek them for the sake of potentially meeting my match.
I do know that I have a very high sense of what is right and what is wrong, and that when I feel I am in the right, I will not back down, I will stay my course, hell or high water. But in the same breath, I can tell you that while doing so, I will be seeking not only victory, but a the path to it that has the least amount of potential to harm me, because I have no idea what other trials will present themselves at any moment, so I conserve my energy as such.
Have I ever been in situations where I have literally had to commit to a beating the odds and had to pick one path early on, say
"Fuck it, here we go, it's all or nothing!" and had to pull the trigger? Yes. Did I win? Yes, but not without scars. The more bold one must be, the greater the odds are that some damage will be incurred in their course. But, I would take none of it back, as when I have been challenged as such, the stakes were high enough for me to risk incurring some damage, rather than forfeit my own integrity. One thing is for certain, I like to sleep well at night, so if conflict rears its head, I'm game. I'd rather take a beating than not live up to my own standards, personally or professionally.
It's also so weird and different from me that I find it intriguing when it's genuine. Like I see how that can potentially keep you from sulking and getting down on yourself too.
Interesting!
Sulking and being down on myself are as intolerable as boredom and hunger to me.
Seriously, all are just completely against my nature.
I think having a seriously righteous Father who embraced conflict and fought for what he thought was right his whole life before my eyes influenced me as such.
I don't know. I don't fully know what to make of it yet.
Neither do I, I'll let you know when I figure it out, for now it's just how I am programmed, LOL!
-Alex