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  1. #1
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Default People who dont think before speaking

    Well everybody knows people like that or even is a person like that. Fact is everybody is like that, cause sometimes the most thoughtful person says something without thinking.

    Still here's a question: imagine your partner regulary saying something without thinking. Since you are someone who usually tries to think before speaking, you always take your partner serious. So tho he or she is someone who in every second sentence says something without thinking, you do not take only every second sentence serious but every single one.

    Of course you aint an idiot and in time you get to know your partner and become sensitive for what she or he meant serious and what not. Still it bugs you and you find it unfriendly or even condescending at times that your partner doesnt even try to think before speaking and instead sometimes insults you or says threatening things to your relationship, tho he or she doesnt mean it. Or you maybe know those quick decisions, when you are pissed and immediantly throw a thing away without giving it a chance or being reasonable.

    Well here's my question: how to get people like that a bit more thoughtful. I basically have two strategies: the first one is that I tend to repeat to my partner the things I found hurtful. You have to be careful when doing that so you dont appear too needy or that your emotions are hurt or anything like that. It's more a repetition to remind the partner of what went wrong and you didnt like. Of course you cant use that very often cause at some point, partner will just be pissed .

    The other strategy is to involve the partner in planning. Even encouraging, your partner is exceptionally bad at planning and if you tell him / her a thing, she has forgotten the next day. So you constantly remind her / him and try to encourage that structural pattern forming in her / his brain, so even at some point he or she starts realistical planning on their own.

    Does anyone have experience with this ? It's not really mandatorily bugging me, but I think there is room for improvement in my relationship. What's your opinion ? Crazy german gone crazy or can you relate ?
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  2. #2
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    and this is why I'm with someone who's approach to someone saying something strange is to just roll his eyes... typical interactions can go something like this:

    enter whatever, from the kitchen, in a dramatic leap into the room, followed by losing balance and tripping onto the loveseat- the man is sitting on the couch on his laptop

    w- I really, really want a pet octopus- I won't even throw him at you!

    the man (looking unamused)- and where did this come from?

    w- I was cooking dinner and remembered that you like to eat all kinds of disturbingly squishy sea creatures and decided that you're not allowed to eat my octopus

    the man (*mock exasperation*)- you do realize that I'm a patient man don't you...

    w- oh yes, that's why I'm with you... as long as dinner tastes good I can say whatever I want to

    the man- that's because I don't listen

    obviously this is the perfect arrangement for those who don't think before speaking... someone who doesn't particularly care what you say because they may or may not be listening
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  3. #3
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Hehe, well it aint that easy with my girlfriend. That's the reason too why I'ld type her an introvert. When she has crazy ideas, she most often thought them thru already and made an unrealistical plan to accomplish them. When I then say "I dont listen" she'd be kinda pissed.

    The problem are those emotional outbursts. She's like a 5 year old at times and throws things out of anger into the corner. If we everytime ended our relationship when she said it, we would have been seprated over 1000 times. And the other thing is when she says something without paying respect to how you feel about it, when she's just impolite. Then she and me get into a relation in which I am like her daddy and that's really creepy.

    Well I am together with her for 6 years so I am used to it and basically do it like your friend, handle with care. But in situations when I am stressed, like atm, when I have a lot of work to do, I become very sensitive and a controlling tyran. Then I get into troubles with her attitude.

    I am at the point in which I ask myself if its me who is the problem because I am so stressed at the moment, or if its her who just is silly or if we both should work a bit on us, you know ? I tend to go with the last option
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  4. #4
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    it sounds like she needs to grow up a bit because that's not a case of just talking without thinking about random shit (which is what I get strange stares for )... that's just being bad tempered and immature and unwilling to deal with her own feelings
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  5. #5
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    My own strategy: if I'm pissed off by something, show this feeling, otherwise *some* people will not take it into account. My mother is like that, for example - if I just told her "Hey don't say that, it's hurtful" she wouldn't ever think I'm serious. OTOH if I get mad she will never say something similar again. My girlfriend is not so much like that, I've seen it happen only once, and I really didn't like acting this way but it seemed to be the only way to show her I was feeling bad.

    I know it's a psychologically negative strategy since it's based on fear, so perhaps it should not be used if you're trying to improve the basis of a relationship rather than simply stop the person from behaving that way.
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  6. #6
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    and this is why I'm with someone who's approach to someone saying something strange is to just roll his eyes... typical interactions can go something like this:

    enter whatever, from the kitchen, in a dramatic leap into the room, followed by losing balance and tripping onto the loveseat- the man is sitting on the couch on his laptop

    w- I really, really want a pet octopus- I won't even throw him at you!

    the man (looking unamused)- and where did this come from?

    w- I was cooking dinner and remembered that you like to eat all kinds of disturbingly squishy sea creatures and decided that you're not allowed to eat my octopus

    the man (*mock exasperation*)- you do realize that I'm a patient man don't you...

    w- oh yes, that's why I'm with you... as long as dinner tastes good I can say whatever I want to

    the man- that's because I don't listen

    obviously this is the perfect arrangement for those who don't think before speaking... someone who doesn't particularly care what you say because they may or may not be listening
    but you did think before speaking you thought about the octopus.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  7. #7
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    I'm always missing that crucial step in thinking before speaking that goes "should I actually say this outloud?"
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  8. #8
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    I'm always missing that crucial step in thinking before speaking that goes "should I actually say this outloud?"
    me too
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  9. #9
    Senior Member knight's Avatar
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    you don`t have to answer this

    it sounds like you are accustomed to making all the decisions and have grown dismissive of her thought processes. Are all plans she put together really that unrealistic?


    6 years is a while. by the way, when you get home, do you take time to yourself to unwind and process what you will do later or do you start doing things with her immediately?

    also can you give an example of an unrealistic plan she had made?

  10. #10
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Aren't they called extroverts?

    I have learned that about E types....They are thinking as they speak. What they say first isn't the final answer, so you have to suffer through the blabber while they work out their thoughts.

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