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  1. #71
    heart on fire
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    Quote Originally Posted by athenian200 View Post
    So, you mean the people you interact with expect you to really interact with them frequently in very extroverted ways and fairly openly judge you for not doing so?? I would guess that might be because you've said something semi-personal that implies you want to be a real friend to them. I'm careful to keep the things I say/do within the "standard politeness" area where people can't infer that. They can hit you up with all kinds of expectations if you get outside of that by making a meaningful statement or being honest with them. That's why you should say as much as possible while not really saying anything other than "I acknowledge you, am fairly amiable to people but reserved, and do not dislike you." Thanks to the structure of our language/conventions, this is very easy to do. You want to keep your conversations more like a rice cake than actual food.

    I have nothing against saying "Hi how are you?" in the obligatory way we're all expected to and I have nothing against saying "Fine" in return even when I am feeling like hell. That is not what I am talking about.

    I am talking about people who seem to expect rainbows to be coming out my arse and my body quivering with excitement on a Monday morning. People who expect me to look like this 24/7--------> Or this-------> Or this------>

    Why can't it be okay to be------->

  2. #72
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I guess I'm just not around that many people who don't know me well or something. I don't get a lot of that kind of crap. Somehow I seem to emit an icy/spacey vibe or something when I'm not feeling chatty and when I'm really not feeling chatty and I have to be around people, I pop in my earbuds and most people take the hint. Around here, people are friendly, but it's rare that they are pushy about it...
    cafe, I appreciated your entire post. It demonstrates a wise and reasonable approach to dealing with people. I was wondering what you think... If a person behaves consistently like you described being quiet and not bubbly, then will people be less likely to intrude to try to change their mood? If someone does exhibit a wider range of moods, then are people going to be more likely to try to get them back into the positive ones they find most charming? While another person who interacts consistently with others won't be bothered because they can create a certain expectation. People do seem to respond to habit and expectation.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  3. #73
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    cafe, I appreciated your entire post. It demonstrates a wise and reasonable approach to dealing with people. I was wondering what you think... If a person behaves consistently like you described being quiet and not bubbly, then will people be less likely to intrude to try to change their mood? If someone does exhibit a wider range of moods, then are people going to be more likely to try to get them back into the positive ones they find most charming? While another person who interacts consistently with others won't be bothered because they can create a certain expectation. People do seem to respond to habit and expectation.
    It seems so. Sometimes people are taken aback at first, but after awhile they appear to either decide you're a cold fish and head off for sunnier pastures or decide that's just how you are and accept it. They may still not approve but they don't say too much about it.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  4. #74
    ish red no longer *sad* nightning's Avatar
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    Long long thread... many posts I want to reply to, but I think I'll be derailing the thread. So I guess not.

    Like what Jennifer was mentioning before about the thread. Sometimes I act all silly happy because I am feeling silly happy. I don't expect people to share it with me if they don't want to though.

    I will ask "what's wrong" if I notice somebody I care about is behaving differently. The more their behavior deviates from the norm and the more they keep on say "nothing" though, the more I'll persists. If that's called annoying, I don't care! I care about them and am concern! Although the key thing is that it has to be different from the norm... by that I mean normal behavior for that person. If that person is normally quiet and don't show much emotions... I wouldn't have any problems with that... but if they're normally more expressive but suddenly clams up, I'll ask for a reason.

    My two cents

  5. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    cafe, I appreciated your entire post. It demonstrates a wise and reasonable approach to dealing with people. I was wondering what you think... If a person behaves consistently like you described being quiet and not bubbly, then will people be less likely to intrude to try to change their mood? If someone does exhibit a wider range of moods, then are people going to be more likely to try to get them back into the positive ones they find most charming? While another person who interacts consistently with others won't be bothered because they can create a certain expectation. People do seem to respond to habit and expectation.
    I was pretty consistent at work and it never ceased, it was always with the same people. Not everyone is pushy like this. It just that the ones that are stick out.

  6. #76
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    I was pretty consistent at work and it never ceased, it was always with the same people. Not everyone is pushy like this. It just that the ones that are stick out.
    That stinks. When you are at work and can't hide, it really stinks.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  7. #77
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    Someone expressed the opinion that I don't assert enough outwards to stop this sort of thing, to make people feel they need to back off. That is probably very true.

    Edit: The difference between my INFJ husband and me, he has no problem expressing outwards and getting people off his back. He doesn't understand why it is a problem for me.

  8. #78
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    I was pretty consistent at work and it never ceased, it was always with the same people. Not everyone is pushy like this. It just that the ones that are stick out.
    Sorry to hear that! I'm rather consistent externally with acquaintances and such, but have occasionally encountered the type something like you describe (like my friend and his family who always scolded me as I mentioned earlier). On a related note, my teen years were spent at a boarding school where I managed to cry on the bus and other places without anyone ever noticing. I even cried myself to sleep many a night w/o my roommate ever knowing or asking how I was doing. I have no memory of anyone ever asking how I was doing, but then again I had a habit of smiling when I greeted people. Strangely enough the smiling didn't feel fake even though i wasn't happy. I liked seeing the people even if there was no connection to them. It was sort of like window shopping and seeing things you admire, but knowing they will never be a part of your life. I will say that the privacy when feeling vulnerable was a huge help over being placed on display somehow. It is better than false requests and pressure that feign concern.

    That was many years ago, but I mention that side of the coin to make note that sincerely looking into the well being of someone is in fact important, even if sometimes misconstrued as an intrusion.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  9. #79
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    Someone expressed the opinion that I don't assert enough outwards to stop this sort of thing, to make people feel they need to back off. That is probably very true.

    Edit: The difference between my INFJ husband and me, he has no problem expressing outwards and getting people off his back. He doesn't understand why it is a problem for me.
    I don't understand it entirely, but I see it with my daughter. It's like she lacks a shell. People love her and are drawn to her and she doesn't hate them or anything, it's just too much. I don't attract people like she does. Of course she has that sweet INFP face, while I have the impassive INFJ face.

    I wonder if there are body language signals that could be learned and implemented as needed.

    Edit:
    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    Sorry to hear that! I'm rather consistent externally with acquaintances and such, but have occasionally encountered the type something like you describe (like my friend and his family who always scolded me as I mentioned earlier). On a related note, my teen years were spent at a boarding school where I managed to cry on the bus and other places without anyone ever noticing. I even cried myself to sleep many a night w/o my roommate ever knowing or asking how I was doing. I have no memory of anyone ever asking how I was doing, but then again I had a habit of smiling when I greeted people. Strangely enough the smiling didn't feel fake even though i wasn't happy. I liked seeing the people even if there was no connection to them. It was sort of like window shopping and seeing things you admire, but knowing they will never be a part of your life. I will say that the privacy when feeling vulnerable was a huge help over being placed on display somehow. It is better than false requests and pressure that feign concern.

    That was many years ago, but I mention that side of the coin to make note that sincerely looking into the well being of someone is in fact important, even if sometimes construed as an intrusion by mistake.
    Boy I can identify with some of that. There have been times when I have really not been okay and flat out told people I was not okay and they didn't believe me. My own mother told me the day after I returned from the hospital with my fourth child (my oldest was in kindergarten) that I looked like I was handling things okay and didn't need her help. And off she went.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  10. #80
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    I smile at people when I first see them and all that, I just don't have that "YoWZeries!" act going.

    Maybe it is something about inverted judgement. They sense the withdrawal internally.

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