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  1. #11
    heart on fire
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatsWhatHeSaid View Post
    My biggest pet peeve is when people impose on me to show happiness of excitement...
    ITA. I hate when people expect bubbliness out of me just because I am female. :steam:

    No-so-subtly, people will ask me occasionally if I'm ok, why I'm not not smiling, why I'm not happy, why I look so sad, etc. Most of the time I'm actually just calm and reflecting on things which makes the inquiry not only imposing, but offensive, as if to say there's something wrong with not talking or not engaging. Fuck off. Even if I was sad, there are better ways to get a person to open up than to "accuse" them of violating social norms.
    I could not agree more. I get so tired of being pressured just because I don't go around with big smile plastered to my face 24/7. Most of the time, I am either thinking on something or I am already tired and drained and I just don't have the energy. I get fed up with this being taken as being "mad" or "sad."

  2. #12
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    To defend some Fs, a lot of women, and I'm guessing most mothers, when in the company of someone you care about and they *appear* down/sullen/not-ok, it is damn near instinctual for, at least me, to ask what is wrong.

    In regards to other people, and more pertinently, in regards to people I care about, I can only know what they show me, and what they tell me. If there is confusion, or discrepancy between these two things, then my desire to truly understand them urges me to ask.

    ^ I don't know how much that relates with your OP, but that's what it made me think of.
    Last edited by ThatsWhatHeSaid; 03-24-2008 at 02:07 AM. Reason: merged posts
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

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  3. #13
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mycroft View Post
    You've discovered that the social system is, indeed, a system.

    Why is that so irksome to you?
    Quote Originally Posted by ThatsWhatHeSaid View Post
    I've tried to decide whether my discomfort comes from a discomfort with neediness, or an unwillingness to compromise myself for that neediness. Maybe it's both. Either way, I hear ya. I ignore the requests in my friends too, in order to demonstrate that it's okay to be bored or sad and that one doesn't have to feign excitement.

    Unfortunately, when I'm in relationships, I tend to create excitement or laughter to fill in gaps of silence because in my warped fragile little mind, silence bodes distance. It's common on first dates, but I don't transition out of that stage very well. *shrug*
    Does that answer your question? Those are my best guesses, but I'd love to explore it more or listen to your insights if you have any.

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post
    To defend some Fs, a lot of women, and I'm guessing most mothers, when in the company of someone you care about and they *appear* down/sullen/not-ok, it is damn near instinctual for, at least me, to ask what is wrong.

    In regards to other people, and more pertinently, in regards to people I care about, I can only know what they show me, and what they tell me. If there is confusion, or discrepancy between these two things, then my desire to truly understand them urges me to ask.

    ^ I don't know how much that relates with your OP, but that's what it made me think of.
    That's understandable, but do you continue to prod and push after being told that the other person is fine? That's the part that drains me, is when people just won't take my answer at face value and continue to push.

  5. #15
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Also, listen to all you "I"s go!!!!!

    I can't tell you how often my E-ness has been appreciated by purposeful, or unpurposeful alienated introverts.

    When I don't want to be bothered, I'm not. I am a girl, and even I have perfected the art of "stay the hell away from me" vibes.

    Also if you want to be left alone, do what I do, *be* alone.

    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  6. #16
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    I used to have a girlfriend who was always telling me to "smiiiile." She would go so far as to say "You have such a pretty smile.... you should show it." Of course, she went around with what I considered a shitty grin on her face all the time. There is nothing that will put me off quicker than someone telling me to smile socially.

  7. #17
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grayscale View Post
    this is the cornerstone of my opinion on this issue...

    my external disposition is a diluted reflection of my internal world and falls within a small span of expressions.

    when i was younger, it was often suggested to me by others that my discrepancy in any social group was some sort of problem. over the past few years i have realized that my chilled out demeanor is not only not wrong, but preferential.

    i hate suggestion that i must mirror the general mood, and when people inquire me about such i usually explain myself quite clearly. in the past, after that didnt work, i might have given a half-assed smile so they would leave me alone, now i understand that it is their issue, not mine - "no, i explained myself, that's how it is, youll get over it"

    my poker face and monotone voice is often disconcerting to others, but that doesnt bother me anymore. i dont have the energy to deal with people who think they know what im thinking
    Well said. The interesting thing is that by staying true to yourself in the face of group pressure, you redefine the social norms in the group and give permission to others to be themselves. At that point, real bonding and exchange can take place, even though you may have increased the risk of confrontation or rejection by unveiling true feelings.

    That brings up another question: what is the purpose of forcing others to fake? Is it just something that serves to quell the Forcer's concerns and worries, or does it also serve the GROUP well being (on a short-term basis) by masking hostilities?

  8. #18
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    That's understandable, but do you continue to prod and push after being told that the other person is fine? That's the part that drains me, is when people just won't take my answer at face value and continue to push.
    I have a general rule of asking three times, (mind you, I only do so to close friends/family members, and only when I truly *feel* like something is up...and usually, there is).

    However, after the third time I ask and they insist they are fine, I leave them be.


    * Also, it should be noted if, and when, someone says, "I just want to be left alone." I *always* respect their wishes!!!
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post
    Also, listen to all you "I"s go!!!!!

    I can't tell you how often my E-ness has been appreciated by purposeful, or unpurposeful alienated introverts.

    When I don't want to be bothered, I'm not. I am a girl, and even I have perfected the art of "stay the hell away from me" vibes.

    Also if you want to be left alone, do what I do, *be* alone.

    I don't necessarily want to totally avoid people, I just want to be accepted without being pressured to have a jackass grin on my face all the time and expected to act like I am so excited I am about to wet my pants all the time.

    Yes, sadly, there are people that I will avoid because of the pushy way they act and I say "Gosh, I just don't have the energy to deal with them today."

    I have an ISFP friend who thinks the same way I do and my goodness she is a restful person to be around.

  10. #20
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post
    Also, listen to all you "I"s go!!!!!
    Like I said above, I think this is one of the defining attributes for an introvert. It relates to the concept of emotional labor in psych.

    I can't tell you how often my E-ness has been appreciated by purposeful, or unpurposeful alienated introverts.
    Sometimes it's a boon. Other times, it can be overwhelming. (Not you personally, but extroverted energy in general.)

    When I don't want to be bothered, I'm not. I am a girl, and even I have perfected the art of "stay the hell away from me" vibes.

    Also if you want to be left alone, do what I do, *be* alone.
    I actually enjoy being around people. I love it, in fact. I even love talking to people. But I can't tolerate fakeness. So yeah...not really on point, Captain.

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