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  1. #41
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Are you befriending manipulative people because you find them interesting
    Do you believe you are able to change these manipulative people somehow?
    Do you continue being "friends" with these manipulative people because they are... "friends?"
    Are you vulnerable to making friends who tend to be manipulative?

    When it comes to manipulative people, I know to keep certain boundaries in tact.

  2. #42
    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
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    Do you befriend them or do they befriend you?

  3. #43
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    A few thoughts that I had - not sure if any apply, but maybe worth considering:

    1) As an introvert, you are more likely to wait for people to approach you first. Manipulative people are unlikely to choose someone that they feel will call them on their stuff or see through them immediately. As a P, you are more likely to be open to seeing what someone is all about rather than going in with preconceived "shoulds" beforehand.

    2) If you have generally not had to deal with manipulative people in your formative years, you may measure people's behaviour by what you would do in that situation and therefore be surprised when they don't act that way.

    3) If you have had to deal with manipulative people, this pattern may feel safe and familiar even though it is terribly drama inducing.

    4) When they are young adults, most people tend to be less experienced with a wide variety of people (no base to measure new behaviours against and determine what they mean) as well as being less confident asserting oneself early on before patterns become well established.

    5) When you see people treating others poorly, it is only a matter of time before you yourself will be treated poorly by them. Their treatment usually is borne out of their own insecurities, lack of trust, and need to look out for their own interests, but it is terribly destructive. It takes time to learn this.

    6) You may be drawn to trying to figure them out, especially if they have attractive qualities, act inconsistently, seem mysterious, do the push-pull etc.

    7) They may make you feel significant, attractive, wanted or welcomed. This is compelling to most people. It takes time, personal experience and seeing the person in a variety of contexts to determine what kind of character and past behavioural patterns they have. If you are too open initially, you can be pretty entangled by that point.

    8) You may have an insufficient amount of support from other people in your life. That makes you a beggar instead of a chooser for what kind of treatment you accept or what people you allow into your life. Somebody seems better than nobody, even if it is less than ideal.

    9) They have attractive other qualities which make it hard for you to believe that they are truly a bad person or that they would want to harm you.

    10) They make you feel as if you can help them and may make you feel needed, guilty or obligated.

    11) You feel selfish or rude or unsure establishing firm boundaries. (I've found it useful to have some kind of a measuring stick for behaviour that I will/won't accept and then script myself ahead of time for situations I'm likely to encounter so that I'm not put on the spot or agree to more than I'm comfortable with or is in my best interests.)

    Certainly in my own life, several of these have been very true. It's taken time to learn how to effectively draw firm boudaries. Over time I've seen that by establishing those boundaries, it provides security for the other person, protects me, and allows me to treat them more kindly over the long term because they have not been able to do any actual harm to me. You are making your verbal and non-verbal communication match each other and in doing so, are sending out clearer messages about what you will or won't accept. I've also found that by recognizing patterns earlier on, it is easier to avoid becoming deeply entrenched in unhealthy relationships or friendships.

  4. #44
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    Do you befriend them or do they befriend you?
    they befriend me usually.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  5. #45
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    There's your answer. It comes down to a fear of rejection, so you wait till others approach you instead. If you do that, you have less control over the kind of person you connect with. Also when you see them treating other people poorly, cut them loose.

  6. #46
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    I don't think it's fear of rejection, maybe it is, but it's more of I'm not sure how to approach people
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  7. #47
    Warflower Nijntje's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    There's your answer. It comes down to a fear of rejection, so you wait till others approach you instead. If you do that, you have less control over the kind of person you connect with. Also when you see them treating other people poorly, cut them loose.
    Fear of rejection has nothing to do with meeting manipulative people, or not being 100% on how to approach others. Sorry i have to disagree with this quite fervently.

    Terrible things happen to good people every day.
    Consequentially, I am not one of the good people.
    I am one of the terrible things.
    .



    Conclusion: Dinosaurs


  8. #48
    The Duchess of Oddity Queen Kat's Avatar
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    It's because you're INFP.
    I was sitting outside the classroom waiting to go in, and I saw an airplane hit the tower. The TV was obviously on. I used to fly myself and I said, "There's one terrible pilot."
    - George W. Bush -


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    Blog. Read it, bitches.
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    If you don't agree about my MBTI type, you can complain about it here. I've had plenty of people telling me I'm something else, in my reputation box. That's annoying.

  9. #49
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    I'm trying to find a positive in all this .. So far the only one i'm coming up with is .. At least it's friends that are manipulative and not lovers. Not much help i know.

    Ok, they say like attracts like .. Do you attract manipulative/unhealthy friends because you yourself are not in a healthy place in some regard (i don't mean to sound rude here) so they are able to pinpoint a weakness in you and use it to their advantage.

    I personally know from experience that people only manipulate me when they have something to work with. However for every one manipulative bastard there are several people who are not like that. I've learned to start trusting my instincts, they are usually right.

    I wish you well on your quest to find positive and healthy people who can enlighten your life
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  10. #50
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    I'm wondering, if it's because I've always been an agreeable person. But growing up my parents worked full time and my brother was always fighting with my mom. Every night they'd fight about dinner and I guess I never felt like I could express my needs because my mom was always stressed and my brother was always complaining about something, so as I result I didn't want to add to the stress and just went along with whatever. Because there was enough tension in the house, so I kept quiet most of the time.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

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