Is "I'm sorry" hard to say?

[Glycerine]

i really wish this were true for all people who do not apologize. in my experience, it is not. though i do know a few people like this. i think it's generally okay not to apologize as long as you acknowledge how your actions affect or may have affected others.

for example - two totally opposite examples of people who do not say "i'm sorry" --

1. i had this old friend of my insult the crap out of me (unintentional but really blatant), then when i told her i was hurt and offended, she told me that she felt bad that i interpreted it like that, but she never acknowledged that her words may have conveyed a message of belittlement. she was taken aback by my statement and defended herself. her tone was self-righteous throughout our interactions.
   
   
   [*]i have another friend who never really apologizes via "i'm sorry", but he'll say something like "maybe you were right about _____, i probably shouldn't have ______. i just did it because ______." - or "i can see how ______ could make you feel that way. but it wasn't my intention." and that's cool with me, because he's acknowledging the dynamic between us and the fact that he may have participated in the miscommunication. it's not really an apology, but it is an acknowledgment. that's what i'm looking for more than apology when i tell someone that i feel hurt or offended. just a demonstration that the other person does respect myself and my perspective, and did not intend to hurt me.

2 is so much different than 1 because 2 shows respect and compassion, even if it is not an explicit apology. 1 is just a fail. i don't speak with her anymore.

I wish my person was like #2 because with her she just blames everything on PMS and exhaustion and rarely acknowledges or understands where the other person is coming from because it's all the other person's fault for reacting that way.

 

[Magic Poriferan]

I have no problem apologizing, I don't usually do it, because I am hardly ever wrong. When I am, I don't like staying that way.

That made me think of my INTJ brother so much.

 

[Rail Tracer]

The latter. but for the sake curiosity, I ask, what is the purpose of wanting them to understand what they are sorry for?

It is to know that the person understands why he/she is sorry. As well as to "bluntly" say, to the person he/she is apologizing to, that he/she is sorry for a particular purpose. Say one to many "I'm sorry" without the rest of the sentence, and it just becomes a scapegoat for "I don't know exactly what I did wrong, but I apologize anyways." Of course, there are people that know what has been done, but that doesn't mean the other person knows that you know.

I'm not a mind reader and I don't expect you to be either .

If it keeps happening, then really, can't say much besides not hanging out with the person.

 

[011235813]

Not really. I rarely have ego hassles about apologizing when I'm in the wrong, or being the first to apologize after a fight, or saying sorry when an apology would help to smooth things over. Apologizing is way less exhausting than prolonging a conflict.

 

[Giggly]

i really wish this were true for all people who do not apologize. in my experience, it is not. though i do know a few people like this. i think it's generally okay not to apologize as long as you acknowledge how your actions affect or may have affected others.

for example - two totally opposite examples of people who do not say "i'm sorry" --

1. i had this old friend of my insult the crap out of me (unintentional but really blatant), then when i told her i was hurt and offended, she told me that she felt bad that i interpreted it like that, but she never acknowledged that her words may have conveyed a message of belittlement. she was taken aback by my statement and defended herself. her tone was self-righteous throughout our interactions.
   
   
2. i have another friend who never really apologizes via "i'm sorry", but he'll say something like "i can see how ______ could make you feel that way. but it wasn't my intention.", or "maybe you were right about _____, i probably shouldn't have ______. i just did it because ______." and that's cool with me, because he's acknowledging the dynamic between us and the fact that he may have participated in the miscommunication.

2 is so much different than 1 because 2 shows respect and compassion. it's not an explicit apology, but it is an acknowledgment. that's what i'm looking for more than apology when i tell someone that i feel hurt or offended. just a demonstration that the other person does respect myself and my perspective, and did not intend to hurt me. because otherwise, i want to distance myself from them. 1 is just a fail. i don't speak with her anymore.

What I'm talking about in the OP is definitely #1.

But I have known people like #2, and that was cool, except if they still keep repeating the offense over and over. which has happened to me before. at that point you can't really take their apologies to mean anything anymore.

 

[Anew Leaf]

This has been a mystery to myself as well.

I dated a guy for a few years, and it was on and off. Last march he called me up saying he wanted to try it again, how much he loved me etc. I said I really needed to think about it. The next day my mom was in the hospital getting diagnosed with terminal cancer. My life, obviously, changed in a heartbeat. I told him if he was able to just be my friend and support me that I would love it.... but I couldn't do anything more than that just yet. He couldn't deal with it and bailed on me, which ultimately is fine because it's how it is. However, he sends me this half assed email a couple months after my mom died saying "Sorry we haven't talked in awhile. Hope you're ok." I ignored it for several weeks, during which time he wrote another half-assed email saying, "Sorry, I guess I can figure out what the silence means." Suffice to say, I am glad to be rid of him.

For myself, I have no problems saying I am sorry to someone that I care about. However, if it is someone I dislike, I can be pretty stubborn about it.

 

[A window to the soul]

I'm not afraid. I'll say it.

 

[Giggly]

This has been a mystery to myself as well.

I dated a guy for a few years, and it was on and off. Last march he called me up saying he wanted to try it again, how much he loved me etc. I said I really needed to think about it. The next day my mom was in the hospital getting diagnosed with terminal cancer. My life, obviously, changed in a heartbeat. I told him if he was able to just be my friend and support me that I would love it.... but I couldn't do anything more than that just yet. He couldn't deal with it and bailed on me, which ultimately is fine because it's how it is. However, he sends me this half assed email a couple months after my mom died saying "Sorry we haven't talked in awhile. Hope you're ok." I ignored it for several weeks, during which time he wrote another half-assed email saying, "Sorry, I guess I can figure out what the silence means." Suffice to say, I am glad to be rid of him.

For myself, I have no problems saying I am sorry to someone that I care about. However, if it is someone I dislike, I can be pretty stubborn about it.

He sounds insensitive or a coward, neither of which you want. Be happy to be rid of him.

 

[xisnotx]

i have another friend who never really apologizes via "i'm sorry", but he'll say something like "maybe you were right about _____, i probably shouldn't have ______. i just did it because ______." - or "i can see how ______ could make you feel that way. but it wasn't my intention." and that's cool with me, because he's acknowledging the dynamic between us and the fact that he may have participated in the miscommunication. it's not really an apology, but it is an acknowledgment. that's what i'm looking for more than apology when i tell someone that i feel hurt or offended. just a demonstration that the other person does respect myself and my perspective, and did not intend to hurt me. because otherwise, i want to distance myself from them.

This.

I'll acknowledge that my actions hurt people. How can they not? Everything I do has significance to others. I'll feel extremely bad about doing something that I thought was the right thing but hurt other people...I could easily lose sleep. In fact I do, frequently.

But people expecting me to say "I'm sorry" to them is almost disrespectful to me. Of course I don't want to hurt other people. Of course I don't want to hurt you. If I ever did hurt you it's because I had no choice but to. Or I was unaware that I was doing it. So in those senses I'd say "I'm sorry that I had to make a choice that you didn't like." or "I'm sorry for not taking into account your situation when making my decision."

Here is another example.

Some people would label me an atheist.
My grandma is very catholic.

If she thought I was an atheist I wouldn't say "I'm sorry". I'd say "I'm sorry my religious beliefs are disagreeable to you". The difference is small but it's there. Does that make me an asshole? If it does...then I'm an asshole. Unapologetically.

I'm not sorry that I think the whole religious thing is something that isn't for me. I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying that I don't do religion like that. And I'm not sorry. I don't care if you are my mom, grandma, or whatever. If you can't respect that..then I'm sorry that our relationship has to be like that. I'm still willing to make the relationship work...but I'm not going to say I'm sorry. Because I'm not...

 

[ThatGirl]

I typed a post, but then the forum went down....and I am NOT typing it again!

 

[xisnotx]

Ugh, that just sounds like a get out of jail free card, people are assholes so no accountability right?

I trust that people are doing what they have to to deal with the situation at hand. I think that ultimately that's what we are all doing....just trying to get by as happily as possible. I know I'm doing the same. I'm not sorry if how I choose to deal with a situation is disagreeable to others.

 

[Glycerine]

This.

I'll acknowledge that my actions hurt people. How can they not? Everything I do has significance to others. I'll feel extremely bad about doing something that I thought was the right thing but hurt other people...I could easily lose sleep. In fact I do, frequently.

But people expecting me to say "I'm sorry" to them is almost disrespectful to me. Of course I don't want to hurt other people. Of course I don't want to hurt you. If I ever did hurt you it's because I had no choice but to. Or I was unaware that I was doing it. So in those senses I'd say "I'm sorry that I had to make a choice that you didn't like." or "I'm sorry for not taking into account your situation when making my decision."

Here is another example.

Some people would label me an atheist.
My grandma is very catholic.

If she thought I was an atheist I wouldn't say "I'm sorry". I'd say "I'm sorry my religious beliefs are disagreeable to you". The difference is small but it's there. Does that make me an asshole? If it does...then I'm an asshole. Unapologetically.

I'm not sorry that I think the whole religious thing is something that isn't for me. I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying that I don't do religion like that. And I'm not sorry. I don't care if you are my mom, grandma, or whatever. If you can't respect that..then I'm sorry that our relationship has to be like that. I'm still willing to make the relationship work...but I'm not going to say I'm sorry. Because I'm not...

I feel the same way about religion. and I agree with you but I think we are on completely different wavelengths. I think you are referring something of another vein from the OP.

 

[xisnotx]

I feel the same way about religion. and I agree with you but I think we are on completely different wavelengths. I think you are referring something of another vein from the OP.

Yeah, I gathered that. I just was explaining why I would never (rarely) say I'm sorry. Now for a brain teaser...Am I sorry? lol

 

[Glycerine]

Yeah, I gathered that. I just was explaining why I would never (rarely) say I'm sorry. Now for a brain teaser...Am I sorry? lol

hahaha, that would be the dumbest thing to be sorry about!

 

[skylights]

I wish my person was like #2 because with her she just blames everything on PMS and exhaustion and rarely acknowledges or understands where the other person is coming from because it's all the other person's fault for reacting that way.

ugh, no kidding. that's really annoying.

That made me think of my INTJ brother so much.

sounds typical NJ. ime they don't tend to talk about what they are uncertain about.

What I'm talking about in the OP is definitely #1.

But I have known people like #2, and that was cool, except if they still keep repeating the offense over and over. which has happened to me before. at that point you can't really take their apologies to mean anything anymore.

yeah, the spirit of 1 is much more like your OP.

and yeah. that's really true. at that point it's just empty excuses.

 

[Rail Tracer]

I typed a post, but then the forum went down....and I am NOT typing it again!

The forum should apologize to you

 

[skylights]

This.

I'll acknowledge that my actions hurt people. How can they not? Everything I do has significance to others. I'll feel extremely bad about doing something that I thought was the right thing but hurt other people...I could easily lose sleep. In fact I do, frequently.

But people expecting me to say "I'm sorry" to them is almost disrespectful to me. Of course I don't want to hurt other people. Of course I don't want to hurt you. If I ever did hurt you it's because I had no choice but to. Or I was unaware that I was doing it. So in those senses I'd say "I'm sorry that I had to make a choice that you didn't like." or "I'm sorry for not taking into account your situation when making my decision."

Here is another example.

Some people would label me an atheist.
My grandma is very catholic.

If she thought I was an atheist I wouldn't say "I'm sorry". I'd say "I'm sorry my religious beliefs are disagreeable to you". The difference is small but it's there. Does that make me an asshole? If it does...then I'm an asshole. Unapologetically.

I'm not sorry that I think the whole religious thing is something that isn't for me. I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying that I don't do religion like that. And I'm not sorry. I don't care if you are my mom, grandma, or whatever. If you can't respect that..then I'm sorry that our relationship has to be like that. I'm still willing to make the relationship work...but I'm not going to say I'm sorry. Because I'm not...

i think the only danger in the bolded is that sometimes statements like that can come off haughty or sarcastic. not always, of course, but sometimes. i think sometimes a safer route could be a statement like "i'm sorry we disagree about religion." basically saying the same thing... but without addressing the other person explicitly, which could be interpreted as placing blame. perhaps you do this already though. just my train of thought

I typed a post, but then the forum went down....and I am NOT typing it again!

...i'm sorry

 

[Arclight]

Being sorry. You have to actually be sorry.
Words without back up are worth very little.

 

[kyuuei]

I think people who avoid anything completely are a bit cowardly and scared. "Never say sorry"? I don't buy anything anyone can serve up as to why the word "sorry" should never leave their lips. It sounds selfish and cowardly to me, the concept of it.

I understand people that don't say it often. There are people who reserve words for very rare occasions.. I can accept that. But usually those sort of people have adapted language to suit their needs and interactions with others to accomodate this type of behavior as well. They'll say something else that people can accept.

To me, Sorry means one of three things:
1. I am making a personal promise to someone to actively work on a concept or situation that created a negative atmosphere or event of some sort. I try not to break promises.. so if I apologize in this way, it is a big deal to me.. and so I can understand why others are hesitant to commit to a promise.
2. I am sympathetic to a situation. I.e. "I am sorry for the disaster in Japan." There isn't really much that can be done, so apologizing just seems to fit where words lack.
3. It is a filler response. I know that, for whatever reason, a situation will bore me or continue on needlessly until someone says something.. Apologies normally suit me well to get this annoyance off my back. You can usually tell, if you know me, when this is happening since I'll use it on strangers and passing-by people.

 

[violaine]

IME it's pride that makes it difficult for a person to say sorry. And maybe there is insecurity associated with it too. I'm close to two people who don't say it, not ever. I make a point of underlining when they should. (I've noticed that the people I know who have difficulty with it felt quite victimized as children.) It's completely bizarre to me that some people can never say sorry.