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  1. #21
    Glycerine
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    i really wish this were true for all people who do not apologize. in my experience, it is not. though i do know a few people like this. i think it's generally okay not to apologize as long as you acknowledge how your actions affect or may have affected others.

    for example - two totally opposite examples of people who do not say "i'm sorry" --

    1. i had this old friend of my insult the crap out of me (unintentional but really blatant), then when i told her i was hurt and offended, she told me that she felt bad that i interpreted it like that, but she never acknowledged that her words may have conveyed a message of belittlement. she was taken aback by my statement and defended herself. her tone was self-righteous throughout our interactions.


    2. i have another friend who never really apologizes via "i'm sorry", but he'll say something like "maybe you were right about _____, i probably shouldn't have ______. i just did it because ______." - or "i can see how ______ could make you feel that way. but it wasn't my intention." and that's cool with me, because he's acknowledging the dynamic between us and the fact that he may have participated in the miscommunication. it's not really an apology, but it is an acknowledgment. that's what i'm looking for more than apology when i tell someone that i feel hurt or offended. just a demonstration that the other person does respect myself and my perspective, and did not intend to hurt me.


    2 is so much different than 1 because 2 shows respect and compassion, even if it is not an explicit apology. 1 is just a fail. i don't speak with her anymore.
    I wish my person was like #2 because with her she just blames everything on PMS and exhaustion and rarely acknowledges or understands where the other person is coming from because it's all the other person's fault for reacting that way.

  2. #22
    ^He pronks, too! Magic Poriferan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatGirl View Post
    I have no problem apologizing, I don't usually do it, because I am hardly ever wrong. When I am, I don't like staying that way.
    That made me think of my INTJ brother so much.
    Go to sleep, iguana.


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  3. #23
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    The latter. but for the sake curiosity, I ask, what is the purpose of wanting them to understand what they are sorry for?
    It is to know that the person understands why he/she is sorry. As well as to "bluntly" say, to the person he/she is apologizing to, that he/she is sorry for a particular purpose. Say one to many "I'm sorry" without the rest of the sentence, and it just becomes a scapegoat for "I don't know exactly what I did wrong, but I apologize anyways." Of course, there are people that know what has been done, but that doesn't mean the other person knows that you know.

    I'm not a mind reader and I don't expect you to be either .

    If it keeps happening, then really, can't say much besides not hanging out with the person.

  4. #24
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    Not really. I rarely have ego hassles about apologizing when I'm in the wrong, or being the first to apologize after a fight, or saying sorry when an apology would help to smooth things over. Apologizing is way less exhausting than prolonging a conflict.

  5. #25
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    i really wish this were true for all people who do not apologize. in my experience, it is not. though i do know a few people like this. i think it's generally okay not to apologize as long as you acknowledge how your actions affect or may have affected others.

    for example - two totally opposite examples of people who do not say "i'm sorry" --

    1. i had this old friend of my insult the crap out of me (unintentional but really blatant), then when i told her i was hurt and offended, she told me that she felt bad that i interpreted it like that, but she never acknowledged that her words may have conveyed a message of belittlement. she was taken aback by my statement and defended herself. her tone was self-righteous throughout our interactions.

    2. i have another friend who never really apologizes via "i'm sorry", but he'll say something like "i can see how ______ could make you feel that way. but it wasn't my intention.", or "maybe you were right about _____, i probably shouldn't have ______. i just did it because ______." and that's cool with me, because he's acknowledging the dynamic between us and the fact that he may have participated in the miscommunication.


    2 is so much different than 1 because 2 shows respect and compassion. it's not an explicit apology, but it is an acknowledgment. that's what i'm looking for more than apology when i tell someone that i feel hurt or offended. just a demonstration that the other person does respect myself and my perspective, and did not intend to hurt me. because otherwise, i want to distance myself from them. 1 is just a fail. i don't speak with her anymore.
    What I'm talking about in the OP is definitely #1.

    But I have known people like #2, and that was cool, except if they still keep repeating the offense over and over. which has happened to me before. at that point you can't really take their apologies to mean anything anymore.

  6. #26
    Anew Leaf
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    This has been a mystery to myself as well.

    I dated a guy for a few years, and it was on and off. Last march he called me up saying he wanted to try it again, how much he loved me etc. I said I really needed to think about it. The next day my mom was in the hospital getting diagnosed with terminal cancer. My life, obviously, changed in a heartbeat. I told him if he was able to just be my friend and support me that I would love it.... but I couldn't do anything more than that just yet. He couldn't deal with it and bailed on me, which ultimately is fine because it's how it is. However, he sends me this half assed email a couple months after my mom died saying "Sorry we haven't talked in awhile. Hope you're ok." I ignored it for several weeks, during which time he wrote another half-assed email saying, "Sorry, I guess I can figure out what the silence means." Suffice to say, I am glad to be rid of him.

    For myself, I have no problems saying I am sorry to someone that I care about. However, if it is someone I dislike, I can be pretty stubborn about it.

  7. #27
    A window to the soul
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    I'm not afraid. I'll say it.

  8. #28
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    This has been a mystery to myself as well.

    I dated a guy for a few years, and it was on and off. Last march he called me up saying he wanted to try it again, how much he loved me etc. I said I really needed to think about it. The next day my mom was in the hospital getting diagnosed with terminal cancer. My life, obviously, changed in a heartbeat. I told him if he was able to just be my friend and support me that I would love it.... but I couldn't do anything more than that just yet. He couldn't deal with it and bailed on me, which ultimately is fine because it's how it is. However, he sends me this half assed email a couple months after my mom died saying "Sorry we haven't talked in awhile. Hope you're ok." I ignored it for several weeks, during which time he wrote another half-assed email saying, "Sorry, I guess I can figure out what the silence means." Suffice to say, I am glad to be rid of him.

    For myself, I have no problems saying I am sorry to someone that I care about. However, if it is someone I dislike, I can be pretty stubborn about it.
    He sounds insensitive or a coward, neither of which you want. Be happy to be rid of him.

  9. #29
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    i have another friend who never really apologizes via "i'm sorry", but he'll say something like "maybe you were right about _____, i probably shouldn't have ______. i just did it because ______." - or "i can see how ______ could make you feel that way. but it wasn't my intention." and that's cool with me, because he's acknowledging the dynamic between us and the fact that he may have participated in the miscommunication. it's not really an apology, but it is an acknowledgment. that's what i'm looking for more than apology when i tell someone that i feel hurt or offended. just a demonstration that the other person does respect myself and my perspective, and did not intend to hurt me. because otherwise, i want to distance myself from them.
    This.

    I'll acknowledge that my actions hurt people. How can they not? Everything I do has significance to others. I'll feel extremely bad about doing something that I thought was the right thing but hurt other people...I could easily lose sleep. In fact I do, frequently.

    But people expecting me to say "I'm sorry" to them is almost disrespectful to me. Of course I don't want to hurt other people. Of course I don't want to hurt you. If I ever did hurt you it's because I had no choice but to. Or I was unaware that I was doing it. So in those senses I'd say "I'm sorry that I had to make a choice that you didn't like." or "I'm sorry for not taking into account your situation when making my decision."

    Here is another example.

    Some people would label me an atheist.
    My grandma is very catholic.

    If she thought I was an atheist I wouldn't say "I'm sorry". I'd say "I'm sorry my religious beliefs are disagreeable to you". The difference is small but it's there. Does that make me an asshole? If it does...then I'm an asshole. Unapologetically.

    I'm not sorry that I think the whole religious thing is something that isn't for me. I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying that I don't do religion like that. And I'm not sorry. I don't care if you are my mom, grandma, or whatever. If you can't respect that..then I'm sorry that our relationship has to be like that. I'm still willing to make the relationship work...but I'm not going to say I'm sorry. Because I'm not...

  10. #30
    ThatGirl
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    I typed a post, but then the forum went down....and I am NOT typing it again!

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