I was watching a movie and I realized I really didn't want to be like a certain character...(Kevin, Pam's ex boyfriend in Meet the Parents for those of you who are interested...lol). I didn't really hate the character, I just didn't want to be like him.
Which got me to thinking..why? What's wrong with him? (or perhaps more accurately why do I perceive him as being someone I wouldn't want to emulate?)
Well..after some thought..I realized it's because Kevin represented "perfection". So why didn't Pam end up with Kevin? Probably because theoretically perfect doesn't actually equate to anything despite you wanting it to...that's why even though Kevin was theoretically perfect..he wasn't actually perfect (at least for her).
So..what about Kevin was "not perfect" in her eyes? And the answer I got was slightly surprising to me..it's that he never did or said anything to show that although Pam thought he was perfect..he himself didn't..(I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he knew he wasn't perfect..he just couldn't really express that to Pam in a manner in which she could understand..but that's a whole other tangent..)
So I resented the "fact" (within this context..again another tangent) that he couldn't express his imperfectness in a way that could be understood by her.
Realizing that this was probably all in my head (anyone else pick this up from the movie?) I was probably projecting something I saw in myself onto a fictional character. I was either projecting my frustration at not being able to effectively communicate my imperfectness to others...or my belief that I am not imperfect (which I would call arrogance).
The first one I can deal with. I can get better at expressing what I want to express. The second one scares me to death. What if I am arrogant? What if I deep down I do believe that I am not imperfect?
Then I realized something. I do. I am arrogant. I do think that on some level I am imperfect. I do believe that on some level I am perfect. I refuse to not to.
So..given that I am unwilling to change these beliefs..(which is true)..because I genuinely think they can be true..and are true all the of time for me..and at the same time never true..) how do I deal with the realization that I am not imperfect?
Using the whole double think concept..
I hold these things as true..
1) I am not imperfect.
2) I am not perfect.
3) I am both perfect and imperfect.
I can deal with both 2 and 3 in various contexts of my life (at least I hope so..) but I guess I think I might not be dealing with the first one very effectively. Any advice? (except for stop watching movies and psychoanalyzing the shit out of them..)(seriously I would say that is my by far my biggest indulgence..looking to tear myself apart in any way I can..including sappy old comedies..)lol
oh and I realize that "not imperfect" can be an annoying thing to try to understand..but I don't want to use "perfect" because I don't think that "not imperfect" is the same as "perfect". It can be..but in this case I really don't think it is..