"My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever."

[Phantonym]

My reasons for creating this thread are personal as I have gracefully managed to enter somebody's Ignore List.

I was immediately reminded of a quote by Jane Austen: "My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever."

There have been threads about the Ignore function, where people express their opinions and whether they use it and such. I can fully agree that in essence it is a good idea to give people options to choose from. People certainly have the freedom and right to make their decisions and express them.

But I've been wondering whether the decision to ignore somebody on the forum or in real life might actually be detrimental to the person trying to ignore somebody.

Even if the person might, in their initial opinion, deserve to be ignored, wouldn't the actual process deprive the person ignoring somebody of the opportunity to deal with the negative association in the first place?

The negative connection has already been established, one can't really ignore the existence of somebody in a public place and any fervent efforts to do so will always keep the issue present in their mind even if it eventually reduces to a negative memory. Personally I find that incredibly limiting and doing more harm than the person initially fathomed.

People who have used / are using the Ignore List - how have you managed to deal with your negative associations with the persons you're ignoring?

Do you simply pretend that nothing ever happened and the person doesn't exist and they have nothing valuable to contribute? If not to your life, then do you extend that sentiment to others people's lives as well?

Do you think about the matter and in doing so, relive every bit of the negativity the occurrence created? How often?

Do you lose your good, or at least neutral opinion, for ever? Without any possibilities of being open minded towards these persons ever again?

How would you even know that you have the possibility to turn any negative emotions into neutral/positive if you decide to ignore the matter altogether?

Any other opinions?

 

[chachamaru]

Mr. Darcy is an INTJ.

That is all.

 

[KDude]

I wouldn't ignore anyone for their opinions, per se. I put one person on my ignore list for awhile, simply because they were disturbing. Then I realized it was all a ruse.. it seems to be tongue in cheek somehow. I did feel bad about it at the time though. I kind of thought the poster was, simultaneously, reaching out. I can't handle too much craziness though.

 

[Thalassa]

No, a person usually doesn't lose my good opinion forever. Jane Austen was INTJ, and I think they can be bad about that shit. I, on the other hand, tend to forgive most people, unless behavior is just repeated or so repellent I cannot tolerate it. I'm not an exacting or permanent type of person with feelings of being offended, angry, or hurt...I'm too fluid for such INTJish non-sense.

As an aside, 19th century lit is full of INTJs...Mr. Darcy is the cool emotionally unavailable INTJ, Heathcliff is the unhealthy inferior-Se-out-of-control spikes of rage vengeful scary INTJ, and Eugene Onegin is the caustic cynical INTJ with a secret fluffy center who melts into tears after years of acting like a pompous ass.

 

[ThatGirl]

I really wish people wouldn't just jump into typing everything. Just a side note.

I've had someone on ignore for a very long time, and no I don't suffer because of it. Some people just grate on your nerves.

 

[chachamaru]

^^^ (RE: MARM)
Therefore we shouldn't judge our "NF" based feelings and interactions on INTJ methods.

It's not us, so we end up feeling bad. End result is self punishment because we did something we thought was appropriate. This is not always the case.

We all need hugs. I'm not being condescending at all about this.

I use the ignore/block function on facebook because seeing those specific people's posts would cause me to feel insane/terrible, and we already don't talk. So taking it one step further isn't that much of a leap.

Do what your stomach says.

 

[Athenian200]

I'm sorry that they weren't more understanding towards you, Phantonym. You're becoming a more blunt, analytical person lately, and not everyone can understand/accept that. I think it's just your Ti kicking in.

I would say that that's the exact opposite of how I feel... I might get very mad at someone, and ignore them for a while, but eventually I would like to change my opinion. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it doesn't, but I think that I learn a lot more from paying attention to people I dislike, than I do from ignoring them. In some cases, I stop talking/responding to them, but I still read what they have to say.

I suppose that someone COULD alienate me forever, but they would have to do something like personally attack me... probably more than once. And that would be more because I feared getting upset with them and getting into an argument, than anything else.

I don't necessarily think that a "good opinion" is something static that should be lost forever if a person disappoints you. I believe that to be a very immature attitude. I don't ignore people because of my "good opinion," but rather because I fear the reaction they will cause me to have if I don't. It's more... practical, I suppose.

What I really dislike, are people who tell you that you're on their ignore list. That's just tacky, and there's no excuse for it.

 

[Tallulah]

Depends on why I put them on ignore. Mostly, I put someone on ignore because they're annoying me and affecting my enjoyment of the forum. But sometimes after a while, I'll start hitting "View Post," and if they're not annoying me anymore, I'll take them off ignore.

There's one member who will probably always be on ignore, for I perceive this member to be an insufferable, arrogant prick, who is unlikely to change. All other slots on my ignore list are of a rotating nature.

As far as being detrimental to the ignorer, I find it's quite the opposite. It's to my benefit to ignore someone rather than getting upset about their crap each and every time I log in. And I find I can ignore them quite well. I mean, it's not like this is a real-life office or anything. Most people won't even know you've put them on ignore.

 

[Arclight]

If you censor someone or something it's because you are afraid of it's power.
If someone censors you, they fear you and what you have to say.
So they snuff the message. "Out of sight out of mind".
This is very detrimental indeed, to the person who is censoring. They are limiting their own potential for growth. They are lacking the "true" spirit of communication and open mindedness. They certainly have not taken the lesson in my sig to heart

This is not to be confused with ignoring someone who is truly annoying to your sensibilities or consistently abusive.

 

[Tallulah]

If you censor someone or something it's because you are afraid of it's power.
If someone censors you, they fear you and what you have to say.
So they snuff the message. "Out of sight out of mind".
This is very detrimental indeed, to the person who is censoring. They are limiting their own potential for growth. They are lacking the "true" spirit of communication and open mindedness. They certainly have not taken the lesson in my sig to heart

Nice sentiments. Too bad we're not talking about censorship. We're talking about one person choosing not to listen to another person. Not preventing that person from saying what they want to say.

I, personally, am not afraid of the power of the words of anyone on my ignore list. I merely find them annoying. I'm not growing from having to stifle the urge to punch someone due to their utter lack of self-awareness or their arrogance.

Sometimes the more adult thing to do is to not let someone bait you. Growth experiences abound outside of the ignore list.

 

[Arclight]

Nice sentiments. Too bad we're not talking about censorship. We're talking about one person choosing not to listen to another person. Not preventing that person from saying what they want to say.

I, personally, am not afraid of the power of the words of anyone on my ignore list. I merely find them annoying. I'm not growing from having to stifle the urge to punch someone due to their utter lack of self-awareness or their arrogance.

Sometimes the more adult thing to do is to not let someone bait you. Growth experiences abound outside of the ignore list.

Personal censorship. It's just semantics then? And I did add an edit, because I knew I did not completely explain myself

I am trying to get better at not assuming everyone knows what I am talking about

 

[Fidelia]

I don't like the ignore feature simply because I like to know what's going on and it bothers me when I don't. If I felt very riled up by what it was they were saying, to the point where it affected other spots in my life, or if I felt compelled to have useless exchanges with them that took up pages of a bunch of threads, I could see using it. I don't think in that case it would have a detrimental effect. Just as in real life you decide some people are too much to deal with directly, sometimes that is true online as well.

I've been realizing lately that the more innocuous one is, the more forgettable they are too. The more one expresses their opinions, the bigger a chance there is that less people will feel neutral about them and their sentiments will tend to polarize one way or another.

In your case, I think it has more to do with people thinking that past behaviour is an indicator of future behaviour. If you had always been quite unvarnished and opinionated, then I don't think anyone would think twice about it. Since this seems to be a sharp departure from your usually way of interacting, it surprises them and they need time to either adjust or decide what they think about it and how they will respond.

Perhaps for some, ignore serves the purpose of, in a sense, pushing pause while they decide about that.

I certainly think there is nothing wrong with you being honest about what you really think. However, along with that goes being prepared for the resulting reactions one way or another. I suppose it's also important that in the quest to be honest about what you think, it is also important to consider that the various impulses that motivate people to say what they do which may be different than your own reasons. To some types especially, I believe dealing with the aftermath of expressing your opinions is sometimes is very uncomfortable, even if you want badly to be known and to be authentic. I've found this place an interesting opportunity to try expanding my comfort zone in that regard with the stakes being fairly low.

For me here, I'm slowly realizing that I may unknowingly touch off a raw nerve in someone else because they have a range of different experiences than I have had, they are under particular stress, or they are looking at life through a different set of lenses. Sometimes their reaction has very little to do with me. I've also had to accept that not everyone is going to like me all the time and that is okay. I try to treat them respectfully. Sometimes I think there is also something healthy about being challenged on an opinion that's been expressed and having reasoning to back it up, or not retracting anything offensive immediately without considering the source, considering your own reasons, or explaining further. In some cases I've had to re-evaluate my original statement and come to a different conclusion.

In nearly every case I can think of though, when there are misunderstandings, one or both parties are just in need of additional information than they already possess and it puts things in better context.

 

[Totenkindly]

I only put a very small number of people on Ignore.

Usually they are people I've tried to converse with, and for whatever reason, things go nowhere, I feel "triggered" by them due to some bad past experience, and/or I feel it's more destructive to me to continue to engage than it is to simply draw a line and get myself stabilized again. While I can feel that most of it's "their problem," I'm willing to accept that some of it is due to things I need to get over as well sometimes. That's just life.

Typically, even with the small number of people I have on Ignore, I allow myself to View their posts on topics of interest if I feel I'm capable of dealing that moment, and I've even had some one-on-one discussions with people I currently have on Ignore, and they've gone decently enough at times. One of my positive (and negative) tendencies is that I am an "open" person and have trouble drawing permanent boundaries between myself and another... so I'm typically willing to reengage, depending on context; Ignore is not necessarily the "kiss of death."

So I'm not much for a universal argument for either Ignoring people or refusing to Ignore people. It's a situational thing, and varies from person to person and what they can deal with.

 

[Such Irony]

I've never put anyone on ignore on this forum and I hope I never need to. I did do so on a different forum for a brief period of time. Reason being that he said a bunch of rude and insulting things not only to me but to a variety of forum members. Even though I had him on ignore, I was still curious to see what he said about stuff. Sometimes he would contribute valuable insights. Other times what he said was just a bunch of hogwash. Eventually my curiousity got the best of me and I removed him from my ignore list. It didn't really change my overall opinion about him though.

I find that once I have a negative interaction with someone, it's very difficult but not impossible for me to undo the negative impression I will have of that person. Once someone has treated me wrong, my instinct is to avoid that person as much as possible. Even if the other person apologizes and feels genuinely sorry, I still don't feel all that comfortable interacting with that person. It takes me a long time to truly let go.

 

[Thalassa]

I will drag type into it, because Jane Austen was most likely an INTJ, and I've observed this exacting attitude in them. I think it's silly. Like, they expect people to perfect and if they fall, then they're banished from the kingdom forever.

I'm not saying ALL INTJs are like that (duh) but it tends to be an INTJ trait, in my observation.

I don't have anyone on ignore, and most of the people you've seen me argue with on the site, I'm now pretty friendly with. People are people, and I don't expect them to be anything less.

To the person who said I blame myself because I'm an NF....ha, ha, nope, no way...it's just, like I said, I expect people to be people, I'm a person and I do things...I don't see the world in black and white...I'll only totally cut a person off in very extreme circumstances, but it's not something as hoity-toity as "you've lost my good opinion!" Lulz. I give people chances. Most people deserve chances, or are acting temporarily out of hurt or other motives that aren't unforgivable or evil.

Generally I'll protect myself, though, from someone truly damaging because that's only wise.

 

[Tallulah]

So I'm not much for a universal argument for either Ignoring people or refusing to Ignore people. It's a situational thing, and varies from person to person and what they can deal with.

This. It's merely a personal choice. Healthy for some, unhealthy for others.

 

[Arclight]

I have placed a few people on ignore, but removed them usually within about 2 hours of doing so.
I guess to me, personally I feel like I am censoring someone. I suppose I am projecting, again.
To me I can just not read their posts, but to actually not see their words, whether I chose to read them or not, feels like I have denied their right to exist.

 

[rav3n]

There are a few individuals on the vBulletin ignore list. There are also individuals on manual ignore. If there isn't a two-way respectful interaction of give and take, I see no purpose to reading their posts. And I sincerely detest manipulative individuals.

 

[garbage]

I think I've got one or two people on ignore here--so, I use the feature, but sparingly. It only happens when I feel that they've been insulting toward me, unprovoked, on more than a few occasions and I feel that they've got nothing significant to contribute.

In general, when I give someone the boot--on here, in real life, or wherever--after a while, I'll typically give them another chance. Most of the time, I get burned again. I think a few cycles of that is enough for me to simply write them off for good; I may as well focus on my positive connections to people instead of the negative ones.


For some reason, Facebook's different for me.. I hide pretty much everyone who doesn't have anything interesting to say so I don't have to wade through a lot of crap

 

[Lily flower]

There is a place for forgiveness. It is good and healthy to forgive.

There is also a place for having boundaries. If someone wants to ignore you, they certainly have the right to.

It is a consequence of your behavior. While you cannot please everyone, if you find that you are being ignored by a lot of people, you may want to examine your behavior and see if it is you that needs to change.