Article on spanking your children

[Seanan]

That's kind of how I felt about it. I was not strong willed and it wasn't often that I was enough of a little ass to merit a spanking, but when I did, I did.

(Like the time when I was playing in the neighbor's wading pool and my mom sent my stepbrother out to tell me to come in and I wouldn't, though she sent him out several times. It was getting ready to storm and mom was inside with the baby and I was old enough to know better, I just didn't want to stop playing. I got the switch all the way home for that one.)

Normally though, my mom would spank, give me a little while to calm down, then hold me on her lap and explain why I couldn't do whatever it was I did and tell me how much she loved me and that would be the end of it.

Now I will be the first to say that my mom is a nutcase in many, many ways, but IMO, she did a fantastic job with the discipline the majority of the time (she could have stood to be a little stricter with chores, etc). The instability in my childhood was somewhat traumatic, but the spankings? In my mind they really were a non-event and the few I remember I laugh about now.

My grandma was overall, a more stable influence in my life and I miss her terribly, but no spanking I ever received from my mom was as damaging to my psyche as my grandma's shaming. I would gladly have taken a beating over that.

Wow! that was a spooky experience!

Happened to me too but I was in a lake.

Spanking by anyone but Grandma was a non-event... totally irrelevant and forgetable.

Grandma was sooo important.... she nicknamed me what I use here... but cutting and getting smacked by those switches were nothing compared to having dissapointed her. I miss her sooo much and owe so much of who I am to her... spankings included.

 

[Ivy]

We have decided not to spank our kids (currently ages 2 months - 4 1/2 years). I don't impose this perspective and judgment on others, but for me, spanking my kids would be a resort to violence nearly equivalent to child abuse and caused by my own failure.

This is how I feel about it for myself, but not because I think I was harmed by spanking (it was only done to me a handful of times, and always pretty sensitively, never in anger) or that I think other parents who spank are abusive or anything like that. For me, it's in large part because when I was a kid I took out a lot of my frustrations on my little sister. I know that siblings hitting each other is not very unusual, but when I got older it really weighed heavily on me. I felt like I had betrayed her. I don't want to look back on my kids' childhoods and feel like I betrayed them by spanking in anger. For me, I need to draw that line to feel like I'm doing right by my own kids.

So basically it's all about me and how I feel.

 

[Wandering]

So basically it's all about me and how I feel.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

 

[Ivy]

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

I don't understand- could you elaborate?

 

[Seanan]

I said I would keep my mouth shut but....

The ones who do serious, serious, damage to children are those who think they have the right to sit in judgement to the point of convincing the kids that being spanked is the same as being abused. Kids, at a certain stage, are looking for any and everything to hold against their parents especially when they aren't getting what they want or have had to be disciplined.. (do you like getting a traffic ticket?)... so it serves to drive a wedge between parent and child. That relationship becomes damaged to the point where, when they most need a parent, they don't have one to go to. That leaves peer group (lotsa wisdom there) or the very same judgemental types who created the problem in the first place... the "know it alls".... real good advice there.

 

[cafe]

Wow! that was a spooky experience!

Happened to me too but I was in a lake.

Spanking by anyone but Grandma was a non-event... totally irrelevant and forgetable.

Grandma was sooo important.... she nicknamed me what I use here... but cutting and getting smacked by those switches were nothing compared to having dissapointed her. I miss her sooo much and owe so much of who I am to her... spankings included.

My grandma always threatened to use the yardstick on me, but I can't remember her ever actually spanking me. My first memory is being scolded by her, though.

 

[Wandering]

I don't understand- could you elaborate?

Parents who spank are sometimes accused of putting their own feelings above their kids', as in "they just want to vent their anger", things like that. So I found it pretty ironic or something that you would admit to choosing to not spank because of your own feelings.

Not sure I'm making any sense to you or anyone else, but it struck me as funny, in a "in the end, it's always about the parents' feelings" way.

 

[Ivy]

Parents who spank are sometimes accused of putting their own feelings above their kids', as in "they just want to vent their anger", things like that. So I found it pretty ironic or something that you would admit to choosing to not spank because of your own feelings.

Not sure I'm making any sense to you or anyone else, but it struck me as funny, in a "in the end, it's always about the parents' feelings" way.

I'm still not sure I get it but it seemed like you might've been doing the eyeroll at me (as opposed to with me) which would've hurt my widdle feewings since I've been very careful not to pass judgment on parents who spank in this thread.

 

[Seanan]

My grandma always threatened to use the yardstick on me, but I can't remember her ever actually spanking me. My first memory is being scolded by her, though.

What are those things called... that light wood paddles with a rubbery string to which a rubber ball is attached? You bat the ball to see how long you can keep it up Anway, at 49, (nerves aren't as good by that time) I started raising three grandkids... 1, 2 and 4. By the time the one-year-old was 2, I seriously needed help! So I got one of those, took the string off, and wrote "Grandma's Helper" on it. I put it on the wall in a prominent place and, when they would all start acting up at the same time, I asked "Do I need me to get my HELPER?" Never had to.

 

[cafe]

This is how I feel about it for myself, but not because I think I was harmed by spanking (it was only done to me a handful of times, and always pretty sensitively, never in anger) or that I think other parents who spank are abusive or anything like that. For me, it's in large part because when I was a kid I took out a lot of my frustrations on my little sister. I know that siblings hitting each other is not very unusual, but when I got older it really weighed heavily on me. I felt like I had betrayed her. I don't want to look back on my kids' childhoods and feel like I betrayed them by spanking in anger. For me, I need to draw that line to feel like I'm doing right by my own kids.

So basically it's all about me and how I feel.

That makes sense. I think if something would really bother you as a parent, it's better for both you and your child not to do it. You have a lot of experience with kids and really, depending on the parent and the child, there are plenty of other effective means of discipline without spanking. The important thing to me is that children should not be abused, that they should be warm and fed and loved and taught to be kind and responsible. How it's done doesn't much matter and if it's getting done, then IMO, that's good parenting.

What are those things called... that light wood paddles with a rubbery string to which a rubber ball is attached? You bat the ball to see how long you can keep it up Anway, at 49, (nerves aren't as good by that time) I started raising three grandkids... 1, 2 and 4. By the time the one-year-old was 2, I seriously needed help! So I got one of those, took the string off, and wrote "Grandma's Helper" on it. I put it on the wall in a prominent place and, when they would all start acting up at the same time, I asked "Do I need me to get my HELPER?" Never had to.

Oh jeesh! My mom used to use those dang things on me! And I was stupid enough to ask for them at the store. I don't know if I ever learned. :yim_rolling_on_the_

 

[Seanan]

Parents who spank are sometimes accused of putting their own feelings above their kids', as in "they just want to vent their anger", things like that. So I found it pretty ironic or something that you would admit to choosing to not spank because of your own feelings.

Not sure I'm making any sense to you or anyone else, but it struck me as funny, in a "in the end, it's always about the parents' feelings" way.

Light bulb! Maybe that's the difference. I didn't have them so feelings never came into disciplinary actions... period.

 

[Wandering]

I'm still not sure I get it but it seemed like you might've been doing the eyeroll at me (as opposed to with me) which would've hurt my widdle feewings since I've been very careful not to pass judgment on parents who spank in this thread.

Nope, no eyeroll aimed at you, and definitely no judgement passed on you It was more of a general connection thingy not aimed at anyone in particular.

 

[Seanan]

That makes sense. I think if something would really bother you as a parent, it's better for both you and your child not to do it. You have a lot of experience with kids and really, depending on the parent and the child, there are plenty of other effective means of discipline without spanking. The important thing to me is that children should not be abused, that they should be warm and fed and loved and taught to be kind and responsible. How it's done doesn't much matter and if it's getting done, then IMO, that's good parenting.

I'm understanding you to say those parents who spank their children are abusing them? Also, that spanking, somehow, dimishes the wamth, sustinence, love and education they receive from them?

 

[Ivy]

I'm understanding you to say those parents who spank their children are abusing them? Also, that spanking, somehow, dimishes the wamth, sustinence, love and education they receive from them?

I think you are mistaken considering cafe has said in this thread that she spanked her own kids.

 

[Seanan]

I think you are mistaken considering cafe has said in this thread that she spanked her own kids.

Thanks... still learning to navigate all the names... or memory of what thread I'm on ... that's why I put question marks though.. wasn't sure I was understanding.

 

[cafe]

I'm understanding you to say those parents who spank their children are abusing them? Also, that spanking, somehow, dimishes the wamth, sustinence, love and education they receive from them?

Not at all. I spanked my kids when they were little. I don't think spanking and abusing is the same thing. I'm saying spanking or no spanking, if a parent (or guardian) is meeting those criteria (warm, fed, loved, taught to be kind and responsible and not abused) they are doing a good job.

 

[Ivy]

Thanks... still learning to navigate all the names... or memory of what thread I'm on ... that's why I put question marks though.. wasn't sure I was understanding.

NP!

I think what cafe was saying, and I agree, is that the bottom line is that kids should be loved, fed, cared for, and not abused. There are many, many ways to get to that finish line- spanking or not, breastfeeding or not, circumcising or not, and so on- and the details don't much matter so long as the big picture is loving.

 

[cafe]

NP!

I think what cafe was saying, and I agree, is that the bottom line is that kids should be loved, fed, cared for, and not abused. There are many, many ways to get to that finish line- spanking or not, breastfeeding or not, circumcising or not, and so on- and the details don't much matter so long as the big picture is loving.

Yes, that's what I meant. You said it better.

 

[substitute]

I said I would keep my mouth shut but....

The ones who do serious, serious, damage to children are those who think they have the right to sit in judgement to the point of convincing the kids that being spanked is the same as being abused. Kids, at a certain stage, are looking for any and everything to hold against their parents especially when they aren't getting what they want or have had to be disciplined.. (do you like getting a traffic ticket?)... so it serves to drive a wedge between parent and child. That relationship becomes damaged to the point where, when they most need a parent, they don't have one to go to. That leaves peer group (lotsa wisdom there) or the very same judgemental types who created the problem in the first place... the "know it alls".... real good advice there.

I totally agree with this. That's why as I said earlier, I believe that past a certain age it's just not appropriate at all, in the case of myself and my kids there's been next to no corporal punishment since they were about 4 or 5. I say 'next to no' because there's still the occasional slapped wrist, but nothing that could be called 'spanking'. There are clips round the ear, but they clearly don't 'damage' my kids, going by the fact that their usual immediate response is laughter!!

I don't think anything can be gained by banning spanking altogether. The way I see it, it's never been legal to completely abuse your children by indiscriminately beating them for your own satisfaction. That has never been legal, yet people have done it all the same. These people clearly do not consider the law a great factor in their decisions here. Altering the law to disallow any kind of corporal punishment at all will not, IMO, stop, prevent or disincline those few who beat their kids from doing so. But it will disempower the much larger number of reasonable and decent parents by removing a realistic, feasible and non-traumatizing method of discipline from their armoury - a method that I'm quite sure is the only effective one in some cases.

I know for a fact and can say with confidence that if my parents had not used corporal punishment on me, then nothing else would've even vaguely worked. I know fully well that reward systems and reasoning and stuff like that - well, I'd have pissed all over it and totally taken advantage of it, manipulated it and stuff and had them like putty in my hands. As indeed I see many kids doing nowadays with their parents who won't spank.

I wouldn't advocate the use of it with all children as a general policy, but more as something to consider as a short-term thing with kids of certain temperaments, where no other leverage exists, but always with a view to replacing it eventually with reasoning and negotiation.

edit - and whilst I was writing this, Ivy did her usual trick of summing up my thoughts in a single sentence!!! Bravo!!!

 

[Seanan]

I totally agree with this. That's why as I said earlier, I believe that past a certain age it's just not appropriate at all, in the case of myself and my kids there's been next to no corporal punishment since they were about 4 or 5.

I agree with that. I was actually referring to past spanking... what they're taught about it once they get to school... the place where passing judgements on parents is seen as nurturing and protective of children. They become convinced they have abusive parents or were abused preshcool and, later, grab at straws to condone their behaviors and disconnect from their parents. I've, unfortunately, seen it in many kids. Logically speaking, kids were raised with spankings from the time I can remember, and turned out to be respectful (of laws/others, etc).. certainly not "damaged" or violent people. What they didn't have was a society telling them they were being abused and the, consequent, behaviors I see today.