Before I pose my question, I'd like to preface the thread by saying that I am in no way generalizing, or attempting to criticize another type. I work with many INTJs and often date those I meet outside of work. I've a deep appreciation for them. I am looking for people's insight and experiences into their dark side. Ideally, responders to this post will either be INTJ or have had direct experience with their dark side.
We all have a dark side; to the extent that other factors such as mental illness, abuse, etc. may be in one's past or present, that dark side may obviously be amplified or further distorted.
As many of you know, I've been casually dating an INTx who usually tests INTJ. He just did his Johari window and I contributed: we overlapped on "cynicism", "withdrawn", "unhappy", and "smug". He wasn't thrilled about my choice of "cowardly" (or possibly "weak") but that's an aside.
I'm not here to talk about the nuances of the above. I'd like to gather insight and experiences into extreme cases of the above. I have observed a coldness, calculation and deep unhappiness in him that sometimes scares the shit out of me. He has mental illness in his family (sister is bi-polar; tried committing suicide when he was 7 while she was babysitting). His father is an emotionally distant professor and his mother is affectionate but verbally abusive and needy.
On the surface he is brilliant, extremely successful and handsome. He has done very well for himself. He is comfortable discussing ways in which he thinks he's awesome as well as deeply unhappy and cynical. Despite these things, he is very loving, affectionate, and empathetic to those he loves.
But he coldly rationalizes behavior that worries me. He is technically honest. I have never known him to lie, but he is a pretty talented wordsmith. One example I've seen: rather than tell a woman he's moved on, he quietly slips away and after several days emails her to say he "is going quiet as he needs time with his head." He has actually started sleeping with someone else. To friends, he will say of the first girl, "We are no longer seeing each other. We remain friends, though." And to his new lover who asks who he is dating concurrently? "What is "dating?" (lengthy conversation ensues, he tries to squirm out of it). Then, "I briefly dated another woman. She knows I wasn't 100% sure about her. We are friends but no longer seeing each other in person." And when his former lover eventually figures out--two weeks later--that he's effectively dumped her, he tells her: "It wasn't actually my belief that we were no longer dating, but since you seem to suggest that we have stopped dating...yes. You are clearly unhappy so that seems reasonable to me. I am comfortable with that."
NONE of this is technically dishonest. He is simply a master at getting people to do/behave in ways which suit him; he will carefully and cold-heartedly weed out early those who are unwilling to play along and says he never regrets the consequences of his actions. He is also open about the fact that he prefers to be "mentally and/or physically dominant" with women he dates. An observation is that his driver's license pic looks like a goddamn serial killer. I nearly dropped it when i saw it. I have never seen such a cold, hateful, empty look on another person's face. It shocked me because he usually wears a very neutral mask. This thing looked like it belonged in a police lineup.
Anyway. I do not want a romantic relationship with this man. Nor am I judging him. He is in my life and I care about him. My questions to INTJs and/or those who have experience with them:
- Does any of the above sound familiar?
- Do any of you INTJs find yourselves engaging in similar behavior (mental/physical dominance, manipulation, exposing facets of a situation to someone, in order to increase the likelihood that they will comply?)