User Tag List

First 2345614 Last

Results 31 to 40 of 161

  1. #31
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w6 sx/so
    Socionics
    IEE
    Posts
    1,570

    Default

    i do agree...thanks for your input.

    p.s. his sis tried committing suicide, while she was babysitting him. and his mom was both affectionate but verbally abusive. those things MUST have really affected his trust. i think knowing those things is why i started to care about him. but it doesn't mean i have to be destroyed along the way. surely there is a way to be his friend?
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

    Johari.

  2. #32
    Happy Dancer uumlau's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    953 sp/so
    Posts
    5,708

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    surely there is a way to be his friend?
    ONLY if you set very strong boundaries and have the strength to enforce them. Basically, this means calling him out as being a complete jerk when he's being a complete jerk. No holding back.
    An argument is two people sharing their ignorance.

    A discussion is two people sharing their understanding, even when they disagree.

  3. #33
    Banned
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    2,390

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    i do agree...thanks for your input.

    p.s. his sis tried committing suicide, while she was babysitting him. and his mom was both affectionate but verbally abusive. those things MUST have really affected his trust. i think knowing those things is why i started to care about him. but it doesn't mean i have to be destroyed along the way. surely there is a way to be his friend?
    The first rule of INTJ-ILI demarcation, you can be a lover-friend-acquaintance-non entity-enemy. You probably cannot fit in more than 1 box. If you are in the lover box you will have fun attempting to enter the friend box without being rejected entirely.

    I refuse to speak to my ex-fiance because she does not clearly define the boundaries between friend and lover. She was a lover, now she is a friend not worth knowing because on many occasions she has expressed that she expects me to treat her with the exceptions you would grant a lover but she does not treat me as how I view a friend should and therefore her protestations that she wishes to be friends have been shown to me explicitly to be false. This is much the mind of the INTJ-ILI

  4. #34
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,938

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    what i like about him is the vulnerable little boy that i've seen glimpses of.
    I just don't know about the vulnerable little boy thing. To be honest it kind of sets off alarm bells for me. Of course, I don't personally know the INTJ in question. But I just feel (without being someone with tons of experience with relationships/men, but still!) that seeing the "vulnerable little boy" in someone can cloud your perceptions to so much else. And it might not even be true.

    My ex definitely had a vulnerable little boy in him (he was pretty young at the time, too). But...more to the point, he was a SERIOUSLY self-absorbed vulnerable little boy. Who claimed to be devastated that he'd hurt me by doing the push-pull thing with me while we were dating, and then by dumping me, but if he had really had any care for my feelings, he could have at least not done the push-pull thing so much (and telling me how much happier his ex had made him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! his ex who had ultimately cheated on him and gone off with someone else!) even if he eventually felt he had to dump me! Or the guy I already mentioned in this thread...yeah, I thought I saw a vulnerable little boy there. But now I tend to think that the whole "oh, I'll be vulnerable with you because I trust you so much" thing he would do with me was one of the following: a) him just being totally confused and lacking in self-awareness; b) him being totally manipulative and keeping me off balance to that end, by being close and vulnerable with me sometimes and cold and unfriendly at other times; c) him using me as a free therapist...or some ridiculous cocktail of all of the above.

    Anyway, sorry, don't know if that is helpful, but I guess "vulnerable little boy" now sets off alarm bells for me because of a few bad experiences or non-experiences. I think at this stage, if I find a vulnerable little boy inside a guy, it had better not be surrounded by all the somewhat scary cold calculating stuff you have described, or by extreme confusion and immaturity, or whatever. If there's a vulnerable little boy buried deep inside someone who is strong, secure, and genuinely kind and loving, that might be ok.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  5. #35
    Junior Member Cat_Cloud's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    MBTI
    INtP
    Posts
    22

    Default

    I agree with a lot of what InvisibleJim has said.

    I would be careful about trying to change him and getting more emotionally involved. He definately thinks he has his game figured out front and back. If you try to change what he does by saying it's wrong, he'll just shrug it off (and that seems to be what has happened). If the message actually sticks and you try to push the change, the results won't be pretty. But if he really loves the game he plays and relies on it, the message might never stick, and any attempt at humbling could be interpreted in a different or twisted way than intended.

    Also, beware about making him too vulnerable (especially emotionally) unless you want to deal with the consequenses. Based on his past and actions, he might/probably has a lot of serious emotional bagage that he has been supressing. If you make him vulnerable, there could be a pretty nasty back lash.

    Personally, I wouldn't bother with him.

  6. #36
    triple nerd score poppy's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    intj
    Enneagram
    5
    Posts
    2,220

    Default

    "He wasn't thrilled about my choice of "cowardly" (or possibly "weak") but that's an aside."

    Based purely on personal experience I would tell you "Please please please stay away from cowardly, manipulative INTJs". Omg. Just...everything about that.

    Actually, yeah, that's what I'm going to tell you. I certainly have a dark side, but it is none of those things. Maybe nothing bad will ever come of him, but uhh...from the way he treats other women I'm gonna go ahead and say he might not treat you well.

    Don't get into a "if I can bring out his inner beauty he'll make a fabulous lover" mindset. Eeek.

    EDIT: Also I just want to say, this is not the sort of person you really want to be vulnerable with.
    "There's no need to be embarrassed about it, Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees!"

  7. #37
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    9,133

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I think she also finds it hard to not look down on/feel superior to people of lesser intellect.
    That is only natural when one considers the intellect to be the principal characteristic of people in general.

    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    when i pointed out to him that sleeping with his ex after they'd broken up and while she was still in love with him hurt her, he said "i can only go by what people tell me. she tells me that she accepts our break up. she is a mutually-consenting adult who has the right to do what she wants." yet, when she rebounds afterwards and starts missing him, he will give her a shoulder to cry on, perhaps a charity fuck, but is sleeping with another woman all along and not disclosing that to her. when asked why not, he will say "she knows we are no longer dating. i don't discuss the details with her because they would hurt her." but you know what? the details would not only hurt her, THEY WOULD GUARANTEE THAT SHE WOULD NO LONGER SLEEP WITH HIM! i told him this and he simply shrugged. admitted that there is an element of him benefiting from the arrangement, but that all parties involved knew the score.
    I would not do it myself, but I find his behavior perfectly reasonable. Being honest does not mean to tell everyboby everything, it means to answer truthfully when asked.

  8. #38
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,938

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    That is only natural when one considers the intellect to be the principal characteristic of people in general.
    What about their degree of kindness and empathy, etc? I have friends (or perhaps more of them I would call "good acquaintances") than whom I am probably more intelligent...but I appreciate them for things like their kindness and reliability. I'd probably only look down on them if they were dumb and mean! I think my mom has a harder time with that, or she approaches it differently. And I imagine this could be an issue with some INTJs at least. It's a major difference between her and me.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  9. #39
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w6 sx/so
    Socionics
    IEE
    Posts
    1,570

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    I would not do it myself, but I find his behavior perfectly reasonable. Being honest does not mean to tell everyboby everything, it means to answer truthfully when asked.
    really? even when a pattern emerges of others getting hurt by omission?
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

    Johari.

  10. #40
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    9,133

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    What about their degree of kindness and empathy, etc? I have friends (or perhaps more of them I would call "good acquaintances") than whom I am probably more intelligent...but I appreciate them for things like their kindness and reliability. I'd probably only look down on them if they were dumb and mean! I think my mom has a harder time with that, or she approaches it differently. And I imagine this could be an issue with some INTJs at least. It's a major difference between her and me.
    Most people are fairly kind and 'empathetic'; there are few points to be made from that. I did not mean to say that intelligence is everything (creativity, humor, taste, hair color are also important), but it is the main criterion by which I measure a person. Looking down on people does not imply constant derision or any such thing, though.

Similar Threads

  1. [ENFP] The dark side of ENFPs
    By FinalFrontier89 in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 72
    Last Post: 05-05-2017, 09:06 PM
  2. The dark side of modesty/tact.
    By Fluffywolf in forum Philosophy and Spirituality
    Replies: 79
    Last Post: 02-20-2011, 01:19 PM
  3. Cults! - Fear of the 'dark sides' of religion
    By Ming in forum Philosophy and Spirituality
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 04-14-2010, 09:56 AM
  4. [MBTItm] The dark side of getting along very well with everyone
    By SilkRoad in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 20
    Last Post: 02-10-2010, 05:48 PM
  5. [ENFP] ENFPs: The dark side of seeing potential
    By BlueScreen in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 08-03-2009, 10:22 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO