Wanting to write is a problem. I want to write something good, something interesting that will bring a response. But I can't. I twist this way and I twist that way, but all I get is a pain in my tummy.
The problem is I want to write with all my desires and fears. So I try to replicate what I have done in the past. And it still hurts.
Of course I know the problem and it is me. I am the problem. I have to get out of the way before I can write. But I can't get out of the way until I give up, until I hit rock bottom. But I am doing everything I can to rise. I know I should rise not fall to the bottom. Can I assassinate myself? No. Can I wallow in self pity until everything seems hopeless. Now this is a possibility. But the worst thing is I would like a friend who would help me get to rock bottom, but no friend would ever do that, and if they did, they would be no friend.
So here I am friendless, clawing my way back from extinction. And yes the horizon beckons me. But I truly don't want to fall off the edge of the Earth even to discover myself. So murder would seem to be on the cards. I am to be murdered by my other self, a self without remorse, a self that seems adrift from the social skills, a self that appears from nowhere, and disappears when it is over. If only I knew their name, I would call and call and call. Is that you, I would say, how about coming over. Oh, you think I am too bossy. Well, that is why I need you, to turn me down, to turn me off for a while, I don't know what you are going to say and it always comes as a surprise. So I wonder who you are and where you come from. But you are entirely out of my control and that is as it should be.
Results 1 to 8 of 8
Thread: The Magic Writer
02-08-2011, 03:03 AM #1
The Magic Writer
02-08-2011, 11:58 AM #2
i am not your equinine beauty
when i was a little girl, i was standing on the edge of a cliff overlooking a city. i was wondering, what if i had fallen?
cause at the time i didn't understand that i would die if i fell.
so i stuck out one leg, and as i kept looking down, i got dizzy, and the earth spun. i thought i would fall into the earth and keep falling until i had reached the center of the earth. and then i didn't know what would happen after that. i was afraid, so i put my leg back on the earth.
i think writers would like to be creative.
but sometimes they have fallen out of flow. no matter how much they call after her, she won't come back.but creativity is just like that. like a free, untamed horse that doesn't belong to anyone.
so if i were a writer, if i fell off the ends of the earth, would i finally see her again?
maybe. but what do you mean, maybe? what kind of answer is that?
"uncertainty".. she isn't someone that can be controlled. isn't there any method or trick? but if you keep falling, you might see her. maybe you will, maybe you won't. she isn't your equinine beauty.
but as i look over the edge of the waterfall, i want to hold my nose and jump, but the embarrassing fact is i don't know how to swim and i think i might drown.
but most of all that i might miss the river all together and hit the pavement..that fate will balance the scales of history.. is all that i desire..
02-09-2011, 01:36 AM #3
So although I resist for my own safety, I find them at some final moment, irresistible. But in saying that I feel sad as though my world is disappearing, I should wake up. Wake up! Wake up!, I say. The day is drawing to a close. Draw the curtains and light the fire and leave the ravening beast outside. But I can't help peeking through the curtains and see the red eye looking in, right in, until I am drawn outside into the dark.
02-09-2011, 01:32 PM #4
hey, i'll be good to you, if you'll be good to me (please?)
she took it! she's happy, so i'm hopeful.
and runs off. just like that. i feel a little disappointed, but i try again.
the next day i shyly give her another apple, which she takes. i ask her, "would you like to play with me?"
"i'm tired," i don't feel like playing with you
so i wait another day. but every day she doesn't feel like playing with me. i always give her an apple everyday. but she always says "later", "tomorrow", "someday"
one day i protest in frustration. she says i'm being too selfish and that i ask too much. that just because someone gives you a present doesn't mean they have to be nice to you. that i'm just blackmailing. so i keep my mouth closed for a bit.
one day, i just didn't feel like bringing the apple. she says, "you're being bad, so i don't want to play with you." so she sets off to run away again.
but i cry out, please don't leave me, won't you ever play with me? you can give me everything, you're the one you can bring happiness, why don't you? how come i can't be happy. i just want to be happy, i'm not being selfish, right? please, can't you just take me away from this place? i hate living here. it's unbearable.
so she sighs and says, "if you aren't good, i'll leave you here forever"
but she never gives me what i want. selfish beast. (but now i think i am the one who has turned selfish.)
Last edited by Lien; 02-10-2011 at 02:23 PM.that fate will balance the scales of history.. is all that i desire..
02-09-2011, 01:51 PM #5
- Join Date
- Mar 2009
Victor, do you like William Blake?
02-10-2011, 02:34 PM #6
"No,you will never know what true love is" --thebeast
i don't know how to resist the beast. i don't want to. i am endlessly in love with the beast. "she's the only thing that can bring me happiness. nothing else can make me as happy as she can make me."
so what if i was bitten myself and turned into a beast myself. and now i only want her love. so, please look at me. and i keep chasing until my body breaks.
so we may have our beasts, but can we resist the irresistible urge for blood? i wonder how. but without her, i don't know what else to live for, and i don't know how not to live without her blood. and i am not getting it. so i am growing thinner and thinner by the day.
deep down, i still believe true happiness is in her blood.
but my mind whispers this: vampires don't have blood.
but i never hear. my heart screams for blood.
"this is my your only chance. there is no other happiness, but hers."that fate will balance the scales of history.. is all that i desire..
02-20-2011, 12:25 AM #7
d e c a d e n c e
what's wrong with me? how do i get back?
get back where?
what am i missing? am i an anomaly? a mutation?
and i realize -
why don't i want anything? so i try to find a reason. i grab out for something. but it slips out of my hand, like water.
i live, without a reason for existing.
and when i think of the past, it's a blurry memory.
did i ever have a reason to exist? i can't remember - it's too long ago. the past is blurry, and i can't remember anymore.
then, i look at my hand and think to myself, am i real?
if i don't have a reason to exist, am i real?
but. it doesn't matter. to be fake or real, that's not what i care about. i'm concerned about something more than being real or fake.
i want to enjoy existence.
but, how do i enjoy existence? the real question is - why can't i enjoy existence? my mind draws a blank.
and i can't move from this space, until i figure out that question. i can't do anything at all.
i want to love.
i want to love you.
i want to love everyone.
i want to be interested in everything.
i want to be interested in everyone.
sometimes an irrational voice angrily asks, "who robbed me of my happiness?" but accusation doesn't sound anywhere near right. i don't remember anyone robbing me.
so. what's wrong with me? how can i fix myself, i think to myself.
so, i am on an journey, searching for a cure. and wow, i don't even know the first place to start.that fate will balance the scales of history.. is all that i desire..
02-20-2011, 12:31 AM #8
My Everlasting Crystal Heart
sometimes i think i writing could save myself. sometimes i think if i write, all my secrets will be inside-out and i'll end up going off the deep end. but maybe, is it that all i need to do, jump?
"how silly, it's not that easy," i sigh. my life is unbearable. and i can't accept that - it's unacceptable, to live like the dead.
so as long as my fighting spirit lasts, i search of what brings happiness - and when i should find it i should hold onto it with all my strength.
but sometimes, we can't tell when we are right in front of it.
and then, the answer flashes in front of me - it's always been here. everywhere. all it takes is effort.
so i would like to practice with you. i want to enjoy existence with you. ideally, i don't want to be selfish - i want to make your life exhilirant as well. and with my everlasting, fragile heart, i hope that my thoughts have reached you.
and if they do, i will hand you my everlasting crystal heart, and then you could hand me yours.
i'm a little anxious - but of course, it isn't about me.that fate will balance the scales of history.. is all that i desire..
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