The Meaning Of Respect

[highlander]

I have been thinking lately about the importance of respect. For me, this is an important thing. I don't know if all human beings feel this way, it is characteristic to an NT personality, or something else.

I think there is a spectrum. You see, I can appreciate a person for who they are. I can care about them. However, one of the most important things I can bestow upon someone is to respect them. The deeper this respect is - the more this *really means something*. For me to have deep admiration and respect for a person - I must tell you - is not something that I do easily or often. It almost in a way is as if I am giving away something of myself. I am humbled by this person. It has nothing to do with who they are. I have to have interaction with this person to feel this way. The feelings start to come quickly but it is only over time that the deep admiration or respect is felt.

Yet for others, I am not sure that this means so much. They care about other things more. They may not even notice.

Any thoughts on this? How do you feel about respect - either being respected or respecting others? How important is it to you?

 

[rav3n]

In my opinion, respect is HUGE to any NT types. Great thread!

For myself, there are levels of respect.

1. Someone who through their actions or verbiage, has lost my respect.
2. The common respect and courtesy to all other individuals, given at first interaction and maintained if they maintain their part.
3. The respect of someone who has said or done things that deserve a greater level of respect because of wisdom, balance, intelligence and other factors.
4. The admiration and respect for someone who consistently lives what they say (wisdom, intelligence, balance and other factors).

 

[Arclight]

I have been thinking lately about the importance of respect. For me, this is an important thing. I don't know if all human beings feel this way, it is characteristic to an NT personality, or something else.

I think there is a spectrum. You see, I can appreciate a person for who they are. I can care about them. However, one of the most important things I can bestow upon someone is to respect them. The deeper this respect is - the more this *really means something*. For me to have deep admiration and respect for a person - I must tell you - is not something that I do easily or often. It almost in a way is as if I am giving away something of myself. I am humbled by this person. It has nothing to do with who they are. I have to have interaction with this person to feel this way. The feelings start to come quickly but it is only over time that the deep admiration or respect is felt.

Yet for others, I am not sure that this means so much. They care about other things more. They may not even notice.

Any thoughts on this? How do you feel about respect - either being respected or respecting others? How important is it to you?

I have to agree with a lot of this.. and it's certainly an issue I am presently embroiled in battle of sanity over.

To me respect and value are almost interchangeable.. How many sentences could you replace each word for the other and still have the exact same meaning?

The most important things I can bestow upon someone is to respect them. The deeper this respect is - the more this *really means something*. For me to have deep admiration and respect for a person - I must tell you - is not something that I do easily or often. It almost in a way is as if I am giving away something of myself. I am humbled by this person

This resonates so loudly my ears are ringing..

Yet for others, I am not sure that this means so much. They care about other things more. They may not even notice.

This is even louder...


I think in my case.. respect is everything.. It's just that what people "value" is a difficult thing to synchronize.

"Respect" means to me.. That my rights, needs and wants end where yours begin. That your rights ,wants and needs end where mine begin.

A lot of people have died in the name of respect and/or disrespect..
It is an extremely serious issue that the human race faces daily as a whole and, as individuals.

I trip over people's respect daily and they trip over mine..

I am out of ideas

 

[sculpting]

There is something about this that makes sense.
I sort of see it in two ways-respect on the surface as a display-"respect your elders" for instance which mostly means not to say rude things or argue with them.

The other kind of respect is something deeper. It is like an emotional bond but without intimacy. It is almost an acknowledgment on my part that that person is of a caliber that I can rely/trust/count on them/integrity/admiration. Perhaps these are things I have to see/feel to have respect for someone. Respect means their opinion carries enormous worth and critique is of great value. respect involves depth, but it deosnt feel like it takes away anything from me, or opens me to weakness-thats an emo bond -...oddly more that by finding people I can respect, it gives me strength that I can seek to embody the characteristics they display as a goal. A growth path forward, a destination.

now I can be problematic as very often if i have a great deal of respect for someone, and I see they are incorrect or want to learn from them, I will challenge them and question them and push them if I feel they are incorrect. Thus i conflict over the two types of respect i called out above.

I had an ENTJ i worked for that i had enormous respect for to the point of hero worship. I utterly adored the guy in a man crush sort of way. Hehehe. i sat in a design review meeting for the final stage of a software release and called out the massive issues with our software in fron of about 40 folks-because nobody had told him how bad the software was. He fixed it. But I respected him so much, that I couldnt have not said anything-I couldnt have let him produce something he would not be proud of as I knew how high his standards were-so I was "disrespectful" in one sense out of profound respect. But it feels a touch emo-just a touch.

Like intense connection about something greater and not about me. Yup, i dunno...

 

[Poki]

I have a huge problem with respect. I dont believe respect should be given unless it is earned. I dont give hand outs here, its a character flaw, but a also a good thing. I also dont really respect a person overall. I respect parts of them and in certain areas. No matter how much you try, if you go about things in a un-cooth way, I will respect you for trying, but not for the way you go about things. My respect for pepople is like a constantly changing 3 dimensional wave built up over time.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I am the biggest fan of honesty, a derivitive of respect. I generally start out respecting everyone until they do something in which I can no longer do so, but in general if they can prove to me that their actions were correct in that context I can even forgive that. There isn't much that keeps me from respecting people, besides the whole meaninglessly killing people and mass murder. Justification for that is generally impossible.

 

[highlander]

The other kind of respect is something deeper. It is like an emotional bond but without intimacy. It is almost an acknowledgment on my part that that person is of a caliber that I can rely/trust/count on them/integrity/admiration. Perhaps these are things I have to see/feel to have respect for someone. Respect means their opinion carries enormous worth and critique is of great value. respect involves depth, but it deosnt feel like it takes away anything from me, or opens me to weakness-thats an emo bond -...oddly more that by finding people I can respect, it gives me strength that I can seek to embody the characteristics they display as a goal. A growth path forward, a destination.

Right - that's close to how I feel about it.

now I can be problematic as very often if i have a great deal of respect for someone, and I see they are incorrect or want to learn from them, I will challenge them and question them and push them if I feel they are incorrect. Thus i conflict over the two types of respect i called out above.

Agree here too. I sometimes feel if I don't respect this person, it is almost not worth disagreeing. Why invest the energy? Yet, some people see this disagreement as a lack of respect. I wish they would understand that if they didn't matter to me, I wouldn't risk or expend energy on the conflict.

 

[highlander]

I have a huge problem with respect. I dont believe respect should be given unless it is earned. I dont give hand outs here, its a character flaw, but a also a good thing. I also dont really respect a person overall. I respect parts of them and in certain areas. No matter how much you try, if you go about things in a un-cooth way, I will respect you for trying, but not for the way you go about things. My respect for pepople is like a constantly changing 3 dimensional wave built up over time.

I think most people feel similar to you - that is respect is earned. That being said - what is the problem you say you have? Is it that you may not communicate with people in a respectful manner if you don't yet respect them? I think they are two different things.

 

[jbking]

Respect can be a complicated thing at times. In my church group recently there was a discussion by the men about what is respect and there were a few answers:

Feeling a sense of value or significance. The notion that "I matter."

Acknowledging the other person's culture and values. This could be knowing traditions within their culture that show you understand how things are done.

Having the freedom to do what I want. Being trusted in any situation.

That said, I tend to give everyone a default amount of respect and depending on their responses, this can go up or down over time. For those that want to say respect has to be earned first, do you intentionally disrespect every stranger you see in the world? If not, isn't that showing them some respect that you don't get in their face and make their life miserable? Just something to ponder as while there is how much one respects in the world there is also the flip side of how much suffering and anguish can one inflict in trying to hurt others

I can also see respect as the intellectual equivalent of the feeling of love. While there can be that emotion of caring and feeling concern, respect is thinking of someone and wondering how they are doing and how they do things so well.

Loyalty and honor also have a place towards the high end of respect to my mind. Those who merit my loyalty and I honor tend to be those I highly respect. That doesn't mean I'll agree with all that they do but I can admire who they are and want to improve parts of myself by seeing a better model before me. Just a few more thoughts to add to the discussion here.

 

[FDG]

I don't care about this facet of relationships that much. I try to be relatively equanimous, that is, quite friendly amicable and hospitable with whoever I like. When it comes to notions such as "respect", they're generally tied to competence: if I need specific information and-or how tos I will try to contact someone which I respect as an expert on the subject matter.

I generally clash pretty badly with people that follow a philosophy such as "respect has to be earned". Unless, of course, they're referring to competence about a certain subject and-or activity.

 

[Qlip]

There are levels of respect. There is the very basic respect for someone else's existence. It involves things like giving physical space, aknowledging communication, recognition of feelings and basic needs, etc. Everyone deserves this, no matter how low on the totem you think they are.

People who highly value competency sometimes throw out the idea that people deserve even basic respect if they don't measure up. This is dehumanizing.

 

[Unkindloving]

My deepest feelings toward other people lie in love and respect. That being said, I've found it hard to feel both toward any one specific person. Neither warrants the other.
Respect is extremely important to me, but I don't know how I would define it.

It's interesting. A while ago my significant other mentioned my potential 'residual feelings' toward someone I know. I couldn't define it as such, and also couldn't describe the interaction well enough. The simplest response would have just been 'respect'. What he pinpointed was my only instance of feeling a true depth of respect for another person and their affect through that. Both love and respect are on the highest tier, yet they are still very different.

 

[highlander]

To me respect and value are almost interchangeable..

I think in my case.. respect is everything.. It's just that what people "value" is a difficult thing to synchronize.

"Respect" means to me.. That my rights, needs and wants end where yours begin. That your rights ,wants and needs end where mine begin.

Can you elaborate on what you mean by this?

There seem to be both commonalities and differences in how people define it.

Respect can be a complicated thing at times. In my church group recently there was a discussion by the men about what is respect and there were a few answers:

Feeling a sense of value or significance. The notion that "I matter."

This is a good illustration as to how someone feels if they are respected.

Acknowledging the other person's culture and values. This could be knowing traditions within their culture that show you understand how things are done.

This is the act of showing respect for another person for some specific reasons. It seems to be an Fe oriented view of respect. I personally would be unlikely to think about respecting someone for such reasons.

Having the freedom to do what I want. Being trusted in any situation.

Then this seems to be an outcome or side effect for the person who is respected.

That said, I tend to give everyone a default amount of respect and depending on their responses, this can go up or down over time. For those that want to say respect has to be earned first, do you intentionally disrespect every stranger you see in the world? If not, isn't that showing them some respect that you don't get in their face and make their life miserable? Just something to ponder as while there is how much one respects in the world there is also the flip side of how much suffering and anguish can one inflict in trying to hurt others

I think there is a connection between courtesy and respect. At the lowest level, you can treat people with respect, regardless as to whether or not you know them or anything about them. That to me is a notion which is pretty basic. It's something that we often fail to do but I believe is pretty important. I look at how customer service reps, airline workers, store clerks, etc. are sometimes treated and it's a bit sad. In another related example, we can observe how sometimes people act on the Internet. If you are rude to this anonymous person on the Internet or person at the check in counter at the airport, does it really matter? From a selfish standpoint in the short term, perhaps it doesn't but it does for the person who is being treated disrespectfully. Then again, in the long term, every time we are are mean, disrespectful, rude, or thoughtless, we give ourselves a bit more permission to be the same way again. We harden our hearts. So in effect, we damage ourselves as well.

It's one of the more disturbing things about human nature. People get away with whatever they can get away with. I can think of three factors that are at play: 1) Power 2) Anonymity and 3) Consequences for one's actions.

I can also see respect as the intellectual equivalent of the feeling of love. While there can be that emotion of caring and feeling concern, respect is thinking of someone and wondering how they are doing and how they do things so well.

Loyalty and honor also have a place towards the high end of respect to my mind. Those who merit my loyalty and I honor tend to be those I highly respect. That doesn't mean I'll agree with all that they do but I can admire who they are and want to improve parts of myself by seeing a better model before me. Just a few more thoughts to add to the discussion here.

My deepest feelings toward other people lie in love and respect. That being said, I've found it hard to feel both toward any one specific person. Neither warrants the other.
Respect is extremely important to me, but I don't know how I would define it.

It's interesting. A while ago my significant other mentioned my potential 'residual feelings' toward someone I know. I couldn't define it as such, and also couldn't describe the interaction well enough. The simplest response would have just been 'respect'. What he pinpointed was my only instance of feeling a true depth of respect for another person and their affect through that. Both love and respect are on the highest tier, yet they are still very different.

Love and respect are different but I think they are related. In truth, I don't know how I could love someone (romantic that is) that I didn't have deep respect for though I could have deep respect for someone that I didn't love.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I see two different aspects to respect. The first has a universal quality related to having "reverence for life". There is a way to have respect for any living being that involves seeing them as having worth, and viewing them from a position non-judgment, rather than from a position of superiority or entitlement.

The second, more specific type of respect has to do with the credibility of a person. If a person's judgments are reliable and credible, then they are a source of trust and confidence. I am not able to connect on a deep level if this isn't shared.

 

[ThatGirl]

Respect is also a very big deal to me. I have found people very rarely give or value it.

I most often operate from the idea that everyone is respected until they lose it. Maybe that is careless, but I think the overall respect for another's right to exist while making the same progress, choices, or mistakes as almost all others have or will, is greater than deep respect.

It is easy to respect someone who has earned it. Then again, respect that is based on such a shallow guideline can be broken just as easily if someone changes their stance. So it isn't lasting.

I too don't get along well with people who think respect must be earned, because that is more like....how do I put this?

You're saying that only what you approve of can be respected, and so that is not respect, its your standard. If the situation or your preferences change, so will my status, if judged that way. That isn't a respect for the person, it is showing respect for yourself. I am not the type to play into your own sense of self respect by trying to earn, or being upset if I lose something that is personal to you veiled under a universal connotation. I could care less about having your values pushed upon me, or if I have upset them by just being myself. Its rare I will try to earn the respect of someone who doesn't even understand the concept.

Don't get me wrong, the above has its place but not as the base for how respect should exist in the first place. Starting this way just shows a self centered view.

So the best respect is one that IS held for who a person is and their right to exist. In that I give a great deal to people. As a matter of fact, there are few people who have actually lost my respect in every way possible. I have told others before, that is the greatest criticism one can receive, it shouldn't be said lightly.

As far as people who have managed to acquire my deepest respect, it usually started based on who they were, then through time, consistency, and some pleasant surprises in showing maturity and self discipline, has actually been earned. It deserves more than just the human level. As I stated before it grows into a personal sense of my seeing in them things I personally value. Its a status, understanding of how they govern themselves on more than an instinctual level. Containing instinctual natures, but chosing to over come them in a solid and unyielding discipline.

These people could probably never really lose my respect, because even if disappointed or whatever, they would just default back into my respect for humanity. Even that would take an extreme circumstance, since it takes a long time to build from the base to a personal stance.

I can respect friends, or enemies in this regard too. Its weird.

People who have lost my respect are the bottom feeders of life. Who have no value on any level, and insist on being who they are despite constant consequences for everyone around them. They do nothing but destroy, deceive, they are not consistent, promise what they cannot give, disregard others, lack respect for themselves and so don't see how it could exist for anyone else. They see themselves as entitled or good people. As I said its rare, but it has happened.

 

[Such Irony]

I have been thinking lately about the importance of respect. For me, this is an important thing. I don't know if all human beings feel this way, it is characteristic to an NT personality, or something else.

Any thoughts on this? How do you feel about respect - either being respected or respecting others? How important is it to you?

It is very important to me. It makes me feel like I'm okay as a person regardless if the other person agrees with my thoughts, feelings, and values or even regardless of whether or not the other person likes me. You can respect someone without necessarily liking them.

There are levels of respect. There is the very basic respect for someone else's existence. It involves things like giving physical space, aknowledging communication, recognition of feelings and basic needs, etc. Everyone deserves this, no matter how low on the totem you think they are.

Definitely agree.

People who highly value competency sometimes throw out the idea that people deserve even basic respect if they don't measure up. This is dehumanizing.

You just said in the above sentence how everybody deserves a basic level of respect so I'm confused here. I disagree that someone who doesn't measure up doesn't deserve respect. What if the person tried their very best and had every good intention of doing a good job and was highly motivated to succeed but for some unforeseen reason, fell short. Shouldn't they at least be respected for making an effort or caring about wanting to do well?

 

[EJCC]

Respect, for me, is directly linked to (dis)respectful behavior. Behaviors I'd consider "respectful" are synonymous with "polite", "virtuous", "just" and "kind" behaviors. (Edit: I'm reading other people's posts re: respecting rights to basic needs, and I'm intentionally making my definition much narrower because I consider respecting basic needs to be a given, from a moral standpoint.)

I try to act respectfully towards everyone; a bit of an "innocent until proven guilty" mindset. The only people I don't respect are those who have proven themselves to be DISrespectful. Only then will I give up on acting respectful towards them. It's only fair; I wouldn't want to reward them for bad behavior. (I'm not sure if I relate to ALL of the "spectrum" discussion earlier in the thread, but I think there's a spectrum of disrespectful behavior, and a spectrum of responses they get from me.)

Usually on this forum, I ignore the people I actively disrespect, because on forums there's no obligation to reply to anything. I can drop out of a conversation whenever I choose. In real life, though, since I can't just walk away from conversations like that, I might start being snippy or rude to them. Only if I was seriously offended (e.g. by a comment that I believed to be morally wrong) would I say "I'm done here" and physically walk away.

I recognize that this violates the concept of "loving your enemy", and I suppose I see that as being valuable when it brings successful results. But otherwise... what's the point?