Conservative is not covered in Orthodox. Do not say that to a Conservative Jew. They will eat you alive. Or, probably not. They will kvetch at you. Which is probably worse.
Why are you hugging me.
Don't worry, no germs. I know how your people are about those. But I don't even care about catching your Jerms.
Well, we now know it's okay to be your neurotic self. You can accept this, and try to use that to improve your self image (Jews have the highest income and IQ on average) and inch towards a better quality of life.
And now you have self-deprecating Jew jokes to fall back on..... that's how Haight gets out of bed every morning.
Well if you converted now, you would still be neurotic, and it might be less okay to your Christian brethren and sisterhood. Or if you were adopted from a Jewish couple, the neuroticism would still be, and it would still be okay.
If you were a natural Christian, you'd have issues, and I'd call for the doctor, or the ER.