Frustration and anger.

[INFtha14]

I hope this is in the right area.

I notice lately I've been having alot of building frustration and anger.
I think it's connected to alot of things. I'm disappointed in a few areas and I'm angry at others. It's little things that are frustrating me. I seriously think I might need a sabbatical. Lose myself to find myself kind of thing.

Apart of it is the daily things I have to deal with my mother and unfortunately feeling let down by the world/some people in it and a couple other things probably. I'm just angry... I want to cope with it better. It's seeping into my dealings with my mother. She's probably with as much love in my heart that I say this with but, a big part of my frustration.

Any tips on properly dealing with this rising anger/frustration? Has anyone felt similar frustration over stuff just not being the way you thought it was? Any tips that helped you? I know attachment to an expectation is not good but I'm still feeling frustration. I can't reason out of this one. How do I make peace with an expectation not being met/the present moment. Feeling like I'm tense and any meditation I do it helps but only last temperarly. How do I get that feeling to last like it used too?

I know I'd be alot happier and I want to be . In my young 20's and reality is hitting me hard in the face to the world works/"seems" soul-less. How cruel it's seemingly majority motive is and stuff.

How do I let this go and be truly content and accept this reality without becoming bitter and angry etc. I've been trying to incorportate Buddha's teachings and it's helping but I'm still feeling a rising anger/frustration that comes out with the little things that shouldn't make me so frustrated .

Thanks in advance .

 

[Qlip]

I understand this, I think. Especially the part where you say the world isn't what you thought it was. Frustration and anger usually stem from a lack of feeling of control. I guess we just have to find out how to allow things to be what they are, even if they aren't what we think they should be. In the end, I decided that no matter what the world was doing, I was not capable of letting go of my core ideals, even if it seemed that there was no place for them. The only thing you can do is learn to be content to contribute within yourself.

Buddhism is a good way to let go of this, especially in respect to people. Everyone is on their own journey, in their own cycle of reincarnation. There are things that they won't be able to achieve or become in their current lifetime. The only thing you can do concerning them is to acknowledge them and show compassion.

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

When it comes to anger, I subscribe to the "Eastwood" school of thought.

[YOUTUBE="aM8iT1UHnjI"]Gran Torino[/YOUTUBE]

 

[Moiety]

I know what you mean Duchess. It feels one can never have the things one wants in life. Everyone is mad and ignorant and their is no justice in the world.

Buddhism might be good, but only as the middle way that it is. One would need to severely brainwash oneself in order to lose the attachment to the fundamental things that make us who we are. If we had no desire, we wouldn't have the drive to go anywhere or do anything.

You just need to USE your desire in better ways. Don't settle for what you have if it gives you that much anger and frustration. People like saying you are responsible for your own happiness but then they also tell you can't control anything. Well fuck that. Bulldoze your way out of it.

Bitterness is NOT something you want to live with. You need to at least prove to yourself you are heading in a direction that enables you to feel less bitter. Don't accept things just because others tell you you should accept them.

 

[RDF]

@ the OP:

I would think that your problem is very much part of the realm of a good therapist. They should have tools for helping you detach emotionally from unrealistic expectations and subsequently find and attach to adequate compensations in the "real world."

If you want to do it yourself on a self-help basis, there are plenty of books on the market about redesigning your life/ambitions/goals, etc. Personally, I enjoyed "Shed Your Stuff, Change Your Life" by Julie Morgenstern and "Get a Life That Doesn't Suck" by Michelle DeAngelis.

They can help you break free of that feeling of being stuck in a box and help you re-prioritize. And in between practical suggestions for change, they often provide some interesting insight into how we get stuck in unproductive patterns of thought in the first place.

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

Sorry for not posting more relevantly earlier.

Anger is something everybody deals with. You can't ever expect to be content and happy with everything all the time.

It's about learning to keep your anger to a manageable level that you are comfortable with.

Trying to fight against your own anger is a losing battle.

Try and work with it.

 

[INFtha14]

I understand this, I think. Especially the part where you say the world isn't what you thought it was. Frustration and anger usually stem from a lack of feeling of control. I guess we just have to find out how to allow things to be what they are, even if they aren't what we think they should be. In the end, I decided that no matter what the world was doing, I was not capable of letting go of my core ideals, even if it seemed that there was no place for them. The only thing you can do is learn to be content to contribute within yourself.

Buddhism is a good way to let go of this, especially in respect to people. Everyone is on their own journey, in their own cycle of reincarnation. There are things that they won't be able to achieve or become in their current lifetime. The only thing you can do concerning them is to acknowledge them and show compassion.

So perhaps I should comes to terms with this then? (allow things to be what they are/content).

Learn to be content to contribute within myself . Hmm... like contribute in my own way?

When it comes to anger, I subscribe to the "Eastwood" school of thought.

[YOUTUBE="aM8iT1UHnjI"]Gran Torino[/YOUTUBE]

... heh. That guy is pretty scary.

I know what you mean Duchess. It feels one can never have the things one wants in life. Everyone is mad and ignorant and their is no justice in the world.

Buddhism might be good, but only as the middle way that it is. One would need to severely brainwash oneself in order to lose the attachment to the fundamental things that make us who we are. If we had no desire, we wouldn't have the drive to go anywhere or do anything.

You just need to USE your desire in better ways. Don't settle for what you have if it gives you that much anger and frustration. People like saying you are responsible for your own happiness but then they also tell you can't control anything. Well fuck that. Bulldoze your way out of it.

Bitterness is NOT something you want to live with. You need to at least prove to yourself you are heading in a direction that enables you to feel less bitter. Don't accept things just because others tell you you should accept them.

I definitely don't want to lose "attachment" to things I value . I just want to better manage it.

Settle for what I have? How do I know it's not just me needing an attitude adjustment? Also I was thinking about "expectations" and realized just how much I've been "holding" onto/valuing my own expectations. Perhaps I could try to let the concern for outcome go.

I guess this stems from where I work with kids and I love it but I'm being awakened to the unfortunate truth that even something that's suppose to be humane seems impersonal like a buisness. I actually care about those kids well being and others. They know it too as I've received quite abit of pictures and hugs from them.

Thanks.

@ the OP:

I would think that your problem is very much part of the realm of a good therapist. They should have tools for helping you detach emotionally from unrealistic expectations and subsequently find and attach to adequate compensations in the "real world."

If you want to do it yourself on a self-help basis, there are plenty of books on the market about redesigning your life/ambitions/goals, etc. Personally, I enjoyed "Shed Your Stuff, Change Your Life" by Julie Morgenstern and "Get a Life That Doesn't Suck" by Michelle DeAngelis.

They can help you break free of that feeling of being stuck in a box and help you re-prioritize. And in between practical suggestions for change, they often provide some interesting insight into how we get stuck in unproductive patterns of thought in the first place.

Detach emotionally from unrealistic expectations? *scratches brain*. Is that where I was saying above about not attaching value to the outcome/result? Letting go?

Thanks I'll try to see if my local libraries hold those.

Sorry for not posting more relevantly earlier.

Anger is something everybody deals with. You can't ever expect to be content and happy with everything all the time.

It's about learning to keep your anger to a manageable level that you are comfortable with.

Trying to fight against your own anger is a losing battle.

Try and work with it.

True that makes sense. Thank you.

 

[Moiety]

I definitely don't want to lose "attachment" to things I value . I just want to better manage it.

Settle for what I have? How do I know it's not just me needing an attitude adjustment? Also I was thinking about "expectations" and realized just how much I've been "holding" onto/valuing my own expectations. Perhaps I could try to let the concern for outcome go.

I guess this stems from where I work with kids and I love it but I'm being awakened to the unfortunate truth that even something that's suppose to be humane seems impersonal like a buisness. I actually care about those kids well being and others. They know it too as I've received quite abit of pictures and hugs from them.

Thanks.

If it's a persistent feeling then listen to your intuition. And I know exactly how you feel about expectations. My brother told me the other day I expect too much out of life. Even if that was true, I'll have to learn about that on my own. I mean, what other driving force do we have, if not our ideals? And aren't we happy when fighting for our own ideals. I know the glimpses of happiness I get in my life, are always very much about feeling like I know I'm following my own path.

 

[Qlip]

So perhaps I should comes to terms with this then? (allow things to be what they are/content).

Yes. Things and people do change, and there are times when you can help. But most of the time the only thing that you have input on is yourself.

Learn to be content to contribute within myself . Hmm... like contribute in my own way?

Well, I suppose I mean, live your life as you think the world should be, don't live in reaction to the things that are wrong around you, you'll wear yourself out and ultimately won't like yourself.

 

[Fidelia]

When you are in a situation that is not working for you, it causes anger and agression, either against yourself or against others. The solution is to face the futility of the situation you are in. It's only when you actually come to a point of grieving the loss of what you had hoped for that you are able to come to a still point and try something different. You cannot stay in a difficult situation without

1) being able to influence it (which it looks like it is very hard to do here)
2) getting prepared to leave it (so you have some hope of a time when the frustration will ease off.)
3) accepting that it won't change and making the appropriate decisions for your own life.

If you are staying in an unhealthy situation, you have to become unhealthy yourself to deal with it. If it is merely frustrating, you need to come to some point where you are at the end of your own resources and therefore exert influence on your role in the situation, rather than the situation itself.

I realize that this is easier said that done, particularly when the outcome you are aiming for is what's good and right and the lack of it will affect others negatively. I'm still resolving that within myself regarding both the public school system (which isn't made to protect individuals, but to keep machinery running), as well as a situation with my nieces and nephews where they've been removed from their only support system and their parents are not making decisions that have their best interests in mind. In both cases, it has serious implications and distresses me greatly. In the one, I have chosen this year to write instead of teach, in an effort to make a bigger difference and also to create career opportunities in the future outside of that system. In the other, I am trying to channel my efforts into productive means, rather than becoming despondent or angry. It's hard though, I know.

 

[Amethyst]

I've been extremely angry and frustrated recently to the point where I refuse to go out in public...but for entirely different and useless reasons.

What helps me a lot is just trying to see life with vague and minimal expectations. Mine for now is graduating from college and getting my degree, and everything will flow on from there depending on opportunities and what I do with them. Expectations from other people have made me bitter and a bit cynical, but I've been trying to release all of that tension and accept people for who they are, even if I dislike everything about them. I appreciate how they are entirely different from me and how they can provide another perspective, even if it's from a psychotic lunatic.

Don't sit through life though thinking that things are going to change for the better. Life is about action, and change. Try to make as much change in your life if you're miserable about it now, if possible.

Good luck.

 

[INFtha14]

Yes. Things and people do change, and there are times when you can help. But most of the time the only thing that you have input on is yourself.

Well, I suppose I mean, live your life as you think the world should be, don't live in reaction to the things that are wrong around you, you'll wear yourself out and ultimately won't like yourself.

ahhh got ya. Thanks :-D.

When you are in a situation that is not working for you, it causes anger and agression, either against yourself or against others. The solution is to face the futility of the situation you are in. It's only when you actually come to a point of grieving the loss of what you had hoped for that you are able to come to a still point and try something different. You cannot stay in a difficult situation without

1) being able to influence it (which it looks like it is very hard to do here)
2) getting prepared to leave it (so you have some hope of a time when the frustration will ease off.)
3) accepting that it won't change and making the appropriate decisions for your own life.

If you are staying in an unhealthy situation, you have to become unhealthy yourself to deal with it. If it is merely frustrating, you need to come to some point where you are at the end of your own resources and therefore exert influence on your role in the situation, rather than the situation itself.

I realize that this is easier said that done, particularly when the outcome you are aiming for is what's good and right and the lack of it will affect others negatively. I'm still resolving that within myself regarding both the public school system (which isn't made to protect individuals, but to keep machinery running), as well as a situation with my nieces and nephews where they've been removed from their only support system and their parents are not making decisions that have their best interests in mind. In both cases, it has serious implications and distresses me greatly. In the one, I have chosen this year to write instead of teach, in an effort to make a bigger difference and also to create career opportunities in the future outside of that system. In the other, I am trying to channel my efforts into productive means, rather than becoming despondent or angry. It's hard though, I know.

In regards to the bolded that's what I wonder sometimes. I was at work today and I was pondering the purpose of somethings. It does seem to provide "structure" for kids. It makes me kinda sick when I think about the system of "school". Sometimes I think I'd really be happy as perhaps one of those meditation teachers. I feel maybe that's where I'd make a difference in the way I want to?
It promotes just being/accepting things as they are etc. I've always loved meditation and have been generally doing it for at least 5 or so years. But I've lost my groove along the way of life.

I've been extremely angry and frustrated recently to the point where I refuse to go out in public...but for entirely different and useless reasons.

What helps me a lot is just trying to see life with vague and minimal expectations. Mine for now is graduating from college and getting my degree, and everything will flow on from there depending on opportunities and what I do with them. Expectations from other people have made me bitter and a bit cynical, but I've been trying to release all of that tension and accept people for who they are, even if I dislike everything about them. I appreciate how they are entirely different from me and how they can provide another perspective, even if it's from a psychotic lunatic.

Don't sit through life though thinking that things are going to change for the better. Life is about action, and change. Try to make as much change in your life if you're miserable about it now, if possible.

Good luck.

That's what I've been told. To focus on what's in front of me and what I can do right now.

Thanks :-D. Good luck to you too .

 

[Condor]

I hope this is in the right area.

I notice lately I've been having alot of building frustration and anger.
I think it's connected to alot of things. I'm disappointed in a few areas and I'm angry at others. It's little things that are frustrating me. I seriously think I might need a sabbatical. Lose myself to find myself kind of thing.

Apart of it is the daily things I have to deal with my mother and unfortunately feeling let down by the world/some people in it and a couple other things probably. I'm just angry... I want to cope with it better. It's seeping into my dealings with my mother. She's probably with as much love in my heart that I say this with but, a big part of my frustration.

Any tips on properly dealing with this rising anger/frustration? Has anyone felt similar frustration over stuff just not being the way you thought it was? Any tips that helped you? I know attachment to an expectation is not good but I'm still feeling frustration. I can't reason out of this one. How do I make peace with an expectation not being met/the present moment. Feeling like I'm tense and any meditation I do it helps but only last temperarly. How do I get that feeling to last like it used too?

I know I'd be alot happier and I want to be . In my young 20's and reality is hitting me hard in the face to the world works/"seems" soul-less. How cruel it's seemingly majority motive is and stuff.

How do I let this go and be truly content and accept this reality without becoming bitter and angry etc. I've been trying to incorportate Buddha's teachings and it's helping but I'm still feeling a rising anger/frustration that comes out with the little things that shouldn't make me so frustrated .

Thanks in advance .

From my own experience I've found when I was angry at others it was because they didn't do something I expected them to (or they agreed to) do. The questions ran through my mind - why did they do this? Why didn't they do that? And so on.

I realized that I couldn't control the actions of others, and they would most often behave in a manner to meet their needs, not mine. If they disappointed me it was for a reason that was valid to them. My anger response was irrational - in my mind. I learned I didn't want others to behave or act differently to appease me - I wanted them to be themselves. Most of the time that doesn't happen, people often try to do what others think they want rather than what they want themselves. This was my epiphany. I learned that I couldn't project what I thought others wanted and behave according to that model. I would get angry and state things like "But I thought that's what you wanted!"

Now I live virtually anger free. I have no expectations of others, only myself. It may sound cold and impersonal, but it really isn't.

Anyway, that was/is my experience. Best of luck.

 

[RDF]

Detach emotionally from unrealistic expectations? *scratches brain*. Is that where I was saying above about not attaching value to the outcome/result? Letting go?

Yeah, basically they're the same.

To "detach emotionally from unrealistic expectations" would be psychobabble for letting go of some big part of your own personal identity, like realizing that you'll never achieve something you've dreamed of all your life (for instance, realizing you'll never be a starring ballerina with the Bolshoi). That kind of "letting go" may entail a grieving process. Those sorts of issues are handled by contemplative books like "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser.

On a more practical level, you can use books like "Who Moved My Cheese?" by Spencer Johnson to handle sudden big life changes like a job loss.

"Not attaching value to outcome" is the language traditionally used for day-to-day attitude adjustments, i.e., a process of lightening up and freeing yourself up to see new possibilities even when things don't go your way. The book that I mentioned by Michelle DeAngelis ("Get a Life That Doesn't Suck") has a whole chapter on that subject.

If you want to go into it further:

DeAngelis says that it's good to have a desire for things (intention); but if we can avoid having an unhealthy tie to a single result (attachment), then we will be more open to opportunities that spring up that we might not have considered. Thus: Intention - Attachment = Possibility. Or you can turn that around: Intention + Healthy Detachment = Possibility. DeAngelis has a bunch of exercises for stimulating adaptability, flexibility, and willingness to try new things.

She also points out that if you always take one and the same problem-solving approach, you're going to get hung up on problems that don't respond to that one approach. ("When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail.") So she includes ideas for generating new problem-solving approaches.

Also, Condor's excellent post (just above mine) raises a related issue: You can also use healthy personal boundaries to "detach" from unhealthy expectations and assumptions of the people around us. We shouldn't be trying to mind-read others to see what they want, and others shouldn't expect us to mind-read them. If something goes unsaid, then you can't be held responsible for it. Just react to the words and actions of others exactly as they appear, and speak and act in a way that makes clear what you want: "Say what you mean and mean what you say."

Thus, good personal boundaries also represent a form of healthy "detachment" from ambiguous or unspoken desires or projections that--more often than not--confuse us and trip us up.

(Of course, one has to be realistic and take a balanced approach here: For example, children may not be able to vocalize the things they need. A little bit of empathy goes a long way. Note Condor's sig. )

Good luck!

 

[INFtha14]

From my own experience I've found when I was angry at others it was because they didn't do something I expected them to (or they agreed to) do. The questions ran through my mind - why did they do this? Why didn't they do that? And so on.

I realized that I couldn't control the actions of others, and they would most often behave in a manner to meet their needs, not mine. If they disappointed me it was for a reason that was valid to them. My anger response was irrational - in my mind. I learned I didn't want others to behave or act differently to appease me - I wanted them to be themselves. Most of the time that doesn't happen, people often try to do what others think they want rather than what they want themselves. This was my epiphany. I learned that I couldn't project what I thought others wanted and behave according to that model. I would get angry and state things like "But I thought that's what you wanted!"

Now I live virtually anger free. I have no expectations of others, only myself. It may sound cold and impersonal, but it really isn't.

Anyway, that was/is my experience. Best of luck.

Definitly I had to tell a close friend something because I realized it's what made them happy and that's what needs to be done to sustain what they have in their life now. Even if it hurts me because I feel the seperation of interests I told them that "it needs to be that way" though. It's like it hurt me more to realize they'd be miserable if she followed that way. I just want them to be happy.

On another issue involving someone else that is told to me at times involving some things I feel don't make sense that this person does. I've learned to just let it go much like you do. I only can deal with my stuff. They could be seeing in a whole other way and why that would make them happy. If so go for it.

Long story short a relative does some things involving my mother that I didn't necessarily agree with and still don't. I've learned "release it" and to just focus on doing what I feel is right/focus on me and what I can do. If they choose to help out, fine. If they don't, that's not in my control. If it ever becomes a problem enough though in the future (10 or so years from now) I'll have to kindly say something. But that's the future.

Right and it's really for the benefit of others. I've been trying to adopt that mindset actually though it' kinda hard but I'm trying . Feel I'm making some progress.
It's like everyone has their own path and if that's there way then all good. I've been on the other side of people who think they can judge your life for you even if it was a very good decision in my eyes and I don't want to make others feel that way.

Thank you for sharing condor .

Yeah, basically they're the same.

To "detach emotionally from unrealistic expectations" would be psychobabble for letting go of some big part of your own personal identity, like realizing that you'll never achieve something you've dreamed of all your life (for instance, realizing you'll never be a starring ballerina with the Bolshoi). That kind of "letting go" may entail a grieving process. Those sorts of issues are handled by contemplative books like "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser.

On a more practical level, you can use books like "Who Moved My Cheese?" by Spencer Johnson to handle sudden big life changes like a job loss.

"Not attaching value to outcome" is the language traditionally used for day-to-day attitude adjustments, i.e., a process of lightening up and freeing yourself up to see new possibilities even when things don't go your way. The book that I mentioned by Michelle DeAngelis ("Get a Life That Doesn't Suck") has a whole chapter on that subject.

If you want to go into it further:

DeAngelis says that it's good to have a desire for things (intention); but if we can avoid having an unhealthy tie to a single result (attachment), then we will be more open to opportunities that spring up that we might not have considered. Thus: Intention - Attachment = Possibility. Or you can turn that around: Intention + Healthy Detachment = Possibility. DeAngelis has a bunch of exercises for stimulating adaptability, flexibility, and willingness to try new things.

She also points out that if you always take one and the same problem-solving approach, you're going to get hung up on problems that don't respond to that one approach. ("When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail.") So she includes ideas for generating new problem-solving approaches.

Also, Condor's excellent post (just above mine) raises a related issue: You can also use healthy personal boundaries to "detach" from unhealthy expectations and assumptions of the people around us. We shouldn't be trying to mind-read others to see what they want, and others shouldn't expect us to mind-read them. If something goes unsaid, then you can't be held responsible for it. Just react to the words and actions of others exactly as they appear, and speak and act in a way that makes clear what you want: "Say what you mean and mean what you say."

Thus, good personal boundaries also represent a form of healthy "detachment" from ambiguous or unspoken desires or projections that--more often than not--confuse us and trip us up.

(Of course, one has to be realistic and take a balanced approach here: For example, children may not be able to vocalize the things they need. A little bit of empathy goes a long way. Note Condor's sig. )

Good luck!

When your a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Touche :-D. I like that one and it totally makes sense.

I find actually involving a couple family members that this has worked somewhat. I've been trying to do that more. Acting more in the present moment.

I heard somewhere to step back and try to think "what could these people really do right now? Are they in town? Are they at work?" This helps relieve that anger when I use to think of the past. Still there are times but I try to literally focus on the physical action of folding laundry/doing dishes/steaming the floor/vacuuming/soon to be shoveling (yuck!) and so on/just what needs to be done.

I'm seeing the idea of "What your resist, persists" presenting itself to me more and more in my life. That also helps me realize it's not helping anything by resisting things/situations.

Thanks also for sharing FL .

 

[Sniffles]

Duchess, let me offer my support and sympathy for now.

The past month or so has been real trying on me too, and I'm having to deal with pent up anger/frustration as well.

 

[INFtha14]

Thank you for the support/sympathy Peguy.

.

Sorry to hear your also experiencing frustration/anger as well .
It's hard because unfortunately anger/frustration can spin out of control if
unchecked . I think that's my recent issue.

 

[Sniffles]

Yes that's true. Here maybe this will help you cheer up. Watch Griswold take out his frustration and anger on the Moose.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEbz6kvnQDA

 

[INFtha14]

Poor moose . Thanks Peguy .

Funny I remember when we'd have a dart board at my house I'd specifically play darts to release frustration in a sensible fashion. It helped LOL! Just the urge of throwing something I guess.

 

[Sniffles]

There's always the classic hit the pillow with a baseball bat, or a 9mm glock.
[youtube="x5wQeBLQ194"]Hit the pillow[/youtube]